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Through The Snoozing Glass

Sneak-preview-of-alice-in-wonderland-2010--tim-bur-lrg  I don't want to be another reviewer who despises Alice in Wonderland just because Tim Burton made it. I want to despise it for all the right reasons. But unfortunately, I really found nothing terribly offensive about it. Nothing terribly interesting either. It was like a doctor who keeps all his tongue depressors in a fish tank set at 98.6 degrees. You know something is happening to you, but you aren't sure what. (By the way, that doctor is totally going to lose his license if he doesn't cut the shit. Fish are not inherently sterile animals no matter what you say, Doc. That doctor doesn't know what the hell he's doing...Unlike this reviewer.)

Of course, I HAVE had enough of Johnny Depp over-acting in wacky outsider roles. I mean...Jack Sparrow was a lot less funny by the time the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie came out. In other news, I just spelled "Caribbean" correctly on the first try without looking it up, so you can tell how serious a professional I am. But let's take it back to Jump Street, because I really want to stress to you that I KNOW Johnny Depp is a good actor, maybe one of our best, but he needs to dial back on the wacky unless he plans on spending the rest of his career playing clowns, or guys in drag, or Madonna. (Yeah, I know those last two things are pretty much the same. (zing!)) Burton and Depp have such a long-standing collaborative relationship, you would think Tim would pull him aside and be all "Maybe this time, you could just be a regular guy.". Before anyone gets all fired up, YES I saw Gilbert Grape and Chocolat and From Hell so don't go getting a huge nerd boner all over me because YOU saw a movie where Johnny Depp played someone normal. Just get over yourself, Know-it-all. I SAID he was a great actor. Sheesh!

I also have a problem with 3D. Not in real life... I mean at the movies. In real life, it's super-important for not getting your penis stuck in things to be able to detect depth, but in movies it's still kinda like that first day after you got a Rubik's Cube and you're spinning it all over the place and maybe you figured out how to get one side so you've convinced yourself that you're a genius and goddamnit! you KNEW it all along, and then you can't get any more sides so your genius dreams begin to evaporate until at last you are hiding under the covers on your bed, frantically peeling off the stickers to prove to everyone that you're right and they're wrong, and you should be in special ed. but not for slow kids...for the super-fast ones. 

Yeah 3D is like that. 

Hollywood thinks they've tricked us into wanting all our movies to feature weirdly out-of-place rack-focus shots that emphasize how close something is to your face. Oh yes, of course, Mad Hatter...by all means...please dramatically roll out those sheets of fabric at the spear-carrying killer. Because there's no way he getting through THAT impenetrable barrier. I'm SURE you didn't do that so the one person in the world who just became magically un-blind will go "Ooooo!!" It was all part of the story and not just to add five bucks to the ticket price, artificially enhancing the size of your box office like one of those penis pumps you can get on the internet but that totally don't work and when your Mom stops over unannounced to drop off your laundry, POW! Busted trying to stretch your cock! Mom! I told you to call first! Good job. I'm sure that duplicate house key I gave you is JUST as necessary as 3D. 

Alice-in-wonderland-2010-red-queen.0.0.0x0.440x595

This makes me kinda hot. Curiouser and Curiouser. 

The shining star of this otherwise "Meh!" re-imagining, was Helen Bonham Carter or Helen Carter Bonham as the kids who don't ever look things up for accuracy are calling her these days. She's brilliant as the Red Queen. Really brilliant. Like I'm not angry-that-I-went-and-saw-a-mostly-mediocre-movie-and-dropped-an-extra-five-spot-to-see-unnecessary-3D at all, simply because she was so good. The Alice they got whose name is exotic and Polish and I don't feel like typing "i-m-d-b" in my nav bar so you'll have to do all the heavy lifting when it comes to finding out what it was, was good too. Mia something...(*shrug*)

So if you love all the dimensions equally, then maybe it's worth it to see Alice in Wonderland in the theater. If however, you claim to love all dimensions the same, but really like Length and Width more than Depth,  then maybe wait to rent it. I think the longer you go without seeing Johnny Depp dressed as Oompa-Loompa Madonna, the better.







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Comments

Alyssa

Yeah. Sometimes I feel like I don't get Tim Burton. Like I'm some really un-intellectual movie goer because I just don't see how continually taking kid movies and making them ridiculously creepy but boring as hell makes him a good director. Even now I am afraid this post is making me sound stupid. Like maybe I'm missing the gene that makes you "get" Burton movies and everyone is pointing at me and laughing. I liked "Nightmare Before Christmas" but "Willy Wonka..." made me want to poke my brain out. "Alice..." looks like it's going to be more of the same. And I'm with you on the 3D thing. Not worth my $$$$

Cobblestone

How come nobody is discussing what a total DISASTER the White Queen is???!!!

Helena looks amazing but really - it is the same 4 words delivered in 18 different ways.

Johnny-as-nutball - I am a total sucker for it every time.

As for 3D, they need to start doing something other than "lumbering animal closing" in and "flying dragon/bird" soon or it will be just like Matrix isnpired Chinese wire work - except more expensive to watch.

jodifur

This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I have absolutely no interest in this movie. I don't particularly like Johnny Depp (I hated the Pirates series), I don't like Tim Burton, and the actual story of Alice in Wonderland is just kind of creepy. (Especially if you know the backstory, but I will spare you.)

Anyway, I'm glad I read this and no longer feel as if I need to see this. I'll go back to wondering why I'm the only person on the planet who does not want to see Avatar.

Jen O.

I love everything about Alice in Wonderland (except it's creepy origins, like @jodifer said). I own the books, the Disney cartoon, the Syfy re-working "Alice", the 1985 made-for-tv version on VHS and DVD (which is by far the best adaptation). Most of my childhood is made up of Alice in Wonderland quotes.

I don't care if this is the worst movie ever to pollute film. I'm required by law to see it.

Plus it has Mr. Depp, who is one of my boyfriends, in it and I want to be a super-supportive girlfriend.

jodifur

@Jenn O. I vaguely remember that TV movie. I actually think I liked it. They combined through the looking glass too, didn't they?

Darla

@jodifur...I'm with you on Avatar. I did go see it because my teen nephews and nieces wanted me to go with them, and it was okay. I did not LOVE it like others do though, and I really feel like it is basically the same story we've seen many, many times, just with great special effects. It was just okay to me--not a best picture-glad it didn't win. Sorry if that makes some upset...

Jen O.

@jodifer - Yes, it was a two part special. It had every star worth his/her salt in 1985 - Sammy Davis Jr., Jonathan Winters, Beau and Lloyd Bridges, John Stamos, etc, etc.

Karen

Jodifur, we need to start a club. I am not a Tim Burton fan; I think he peaked with "Beetlejuice" (did he direct that or am i just thinking he did?). Okay, I'll give him Planet of the Apes, but I was really just watching that because the ape makeup was so incredibly well done.

But his latest stuff just leaves me cold. I mean, Helena Bonham Carter as the Red Queen, awesome. But did we HAVE to distort her head to make the point that she's a bad person? Seeing bodies distorted like that gives me the heebie-jeebies, and I suspect Tim Burton LIKES giving people the heebie-jeebies, just because he can. He's like a juvenile kid in a paint factory.

And Johnny Depp is forever on the sleaze list for me.

And no, I have no interest in seeing Avatar. Please, can we just have real, undistorted, un-CGIed actors for once?

chiefy

Yeah I really like length and width, but depth is kinda so-so. At the movies I'm all like "who needs it?" but then out in the 'real world' every once in a while I use it, so I guess it's alright.




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