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Fox Will Digest "Commando" and Then Evacuate Its Bowels All Over Us

Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando movie poster  Every once in a while a film comes along that captures a moment in time so perfectly that the only way it's memory could ever be soiled is if the a-holes at Fox decided to remake it 25 years later effectively doing away with everything likable about the original and substituting in barf, garbage, and skanks. I'm actually not sure about the skanks, but that word goes great in a list that starts out "barf,garbage and....". Any way, Guess what they're remaking NOW? No seriously. Guess. If you're confident with your answer, or read the title of this post, click the link below to see if you win the prize. Which, in this case, is more of my genius writing.

Commando? Really? The terrible/wonderful Arnold Schwarzenegger movie that starts off with him petting deer and having a playful, possibly pedophile-themed tickle-fight with a pre-breasts Alyssa Milano and ends with him in warpaint killing everyone in the goddamn world? THAT Commando? I don't follow the logic here. The original film is so definitively "80s action movie", that trying to reshape it to make sense for modern audiences would be like trying to get a cow to grow a pork chop instead of a steak. Now I'm no large animal veterinarian, but I don't think that is possible. I am, however, a brilliant reviewer of films so I can say beyond a shadow of really caring, that this remake will suck. Unless it doesn't, in which case don't come back and be all "Pfft. You said it would suck!" because I'll be too busy counting all my money to care. (I'm expecting a big Lotto win tonight.)

The original also had David Patrick Kelly, who if you don't know, was the quintessential 80s action movie, coked-out bad guy. You know..."Luther", from The Warriors? And "Luther" from 48 Hours? You've seen him. Think of an 80s action film and then imagine a ferret chasing a string. Merge those two images and Voila! David Patrick Kelly. (He's not all bad. He starred in an after-school special. ON DATE RAPE!)  Also it had Dan Hayada as a bad guy, so pretty much every evil character actor ever was in this film. All it need was James Spader in a baby blue sports coat choking a baby seal and you would have had 80s, bad-guy Nirvana. 

Daniel-Patrick-Kelly-Commando

 Seriously. Where's the 8-Ball?

So what about the remake? How is this gonna go down? Smooth or like a drunken prostitute who's misplaced her prosthetic leg and has an inner ear infection and also has terrible depth perception and wears a retainer and has an uncontrollable bite reflex? I bet it'll be like the second one.







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Comments

Washington "Using The Trees" Cube

You gain huge ointy points in my book for mentioning David Patrick Kelley: the dwarf actor from HELL. "Wahrrrriooorss...come out to playaaaaay" :::clicking Coke bottles:::: He also showed up in bad guy stuff in several Law and Orders. He's like Dennis Hopper's bad acid clone.

...and isn't part of the joy of watching these old Schwarzenegger films, hearing him utter short (but pithy) quotable lines like "I'll be back," or "I lied." I still love his lines in Predator. "If it bleeds, we can kill it."

...and speaking of pork chops out of cows. That got me thinking about mutant films like "O Lucky Man," where human heads were put on hog bodies. There's a new film out in that genre called "The Human Centipede" about another (in a long historic line)"mad doctor" who kidnaps girls, straps them down in his basement laboratory and tells them he is going to surgically join them mouth to rear end to create a human centipede.

Yanno. If I wrote for MamaPop, I'd be writing about movies like Human Centipede where you have to think about mouth-ass connectors and I'd probably be getting big fat "0" comments for my efforts, but man...and OH...the actor who plays the mad doc? "Dieter Laser." Is that not perfection?

Leave the oldies alone. They are classic.




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