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Dancing With The Stars Recap: Take Me To The Movies

Dancing with the stars logo  Hey, the movies! The movies sounds good! Much better than this bloody show, so let's do that, please. No? Fine, be that way. THIS Is Dancing With the Stars!!!!

Here come Bergeron and Brooke, welcoming us to "Movie Night," wherein we will not be watching movies, sadly, but will be enduring dancing to SONGS from the movies. Clever. Not. We have the stars and their partners stagger gracelessly down the big staircase, and Bergeron says that we're down to eight couples, (Aiden and Edyta were axed last week) and we get right into the rehearsal footage.

Niecy and Louis are doing the Jive to "La Bamba." Niecy wokka wokkas that she does nothing to stay in shape, and Louis scolds her for goofing off instead of spending her energy dancing. Niecy wokka wokkas some more. I don't care if the schtick is old, I love her.

They jive! It's very fast and Niecy looks like she's really working to keep up with Louis, which is no easy feat. It's a RILLY hard dance. They're adorable.

Len? Personality was finally there, there was bounce in Niecy's bazooms, but not her feet. Bruno? This dance has to be sharp sharp sharp, but her jiggly parts were great. Carrie Ann: You were having fun! It still needs to be sharper, though. They're off to chat with Brooke.

Niecy is doing this for the big girls, and she's tired and hungry. She reminds us that Louis messed up, not her. I missed that. I watch again. Still don't see it. Like I said, it was a fast dance. Judges? Sixes all around. Kinda low, yes?

Chad and Cheryl are back, and Chad is still sexually harassing her. Cheryl is like a drill sergeant, though, and doesn't play around. She says that if she's not laughing or cuddling him, he thinks something is wrong. Cheryl is under a lot of pressure and doesn't want any more shenanigans, dammit. They'll quick-step when we return from...

COMMERCIALS! Is the "new" Domino's pizza REALLY better, or is it just a little less ass-tastic than the old Dominos? Because if it even resembles that cardboard w/ketchup of the past, I'll take a pass, thanks. 

And we're back. Aw, they're quick-stepping to "the Bear Necessities," that's cute. Too bad Chad still dances like a truck. He IS improving, but he's SO heavy on his feet. I think that's the best they've done though. Judges?

Mowgli and Baloo dance in The jungle book 2 disney cartoon


Bruno? Jungle fever! WHOA! Form was terrible, everything was terrible. Carrie Ann? Uneven, and the body contact was really lacking. Chad makes a sex joke. Len? Lively, posture is better, they did their best, well done. How diplomatic of you, Len! Off to Brooke. 

Lots of tension in rehearsal, eh???? Asks Brooke. They're FINE, they both say. Chad knows that he has to stop joking around so much. Sixes all around from the judges again. Really? I thought Niecy and Louis were better. What do I know?!?!?!?! (Not much.)

COMMERCIALS! I miss this round of commercials to take a call from my vet, who tells me my surviving cat does NOT have leukemia! Drinks are on me, y'all!

We return to Erin and Maxim, who are quarreling in rehearsal in a way that only two people who are HAVING SEX WITH EACH OTHER do. They are past the honeymoon stage, for sure, and their tempers are short, but adorable. They'll have lots of makeup sex after this. 

They're recreating the John Travolta/Uma Thurman scene from Pulp Fiction doing the jive, and Erin is adorbs. It's RILLY fast. Someone's a little ahead of the other, and I think it's Erin anticipating the moves before they happen. 

Carrie Ann liked it! She thought Erin was off the beat, a little too fast. Len? It got really hectic, but they did a good job. Bruno? She brought the "Uma magic (?)" and this was the best so far. Of course, that's what I THINK he says. You never know with Bruno, he could be talking about dolphins for all I know with that accent. 

COMMERCIALS! Now if the new Sun Chips bag is biodegradable, does that mean you can eat it, too? Because if you could eat the bag along with the chips, that's a level of sloth I could get behind. 

Oh Bergeron. Just throw us to the scores. Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 8. Brooke asks what the hell is going on between those two, and Erin bickers with Max playfully and they are having SO MUCH SEX. Everyone knows that. I consult my cat. She agrees. 

Jakey and Chelsie are next, and we are reminded that the tango suuuuuuuuuuuuuucked. Someone told Jakey he looks like Tom Cruise. HA! Maybe if Tom Cruise was a blonde and stood on a stepladder or an apple box. ANYWAY, they're doing the cha cha, and they're going to be dancing to the Risky Business song. Jake is so white it's PAINFUL. 

They dance, and oh my god, Jake's in his underpants. Chelsie thankfully throws him a pair of pants and shimmys while he gets blessedly dressed. They cha cha, and Jakey is still a weeeeeeeee bit heavy on his feet and stuck in his head. He trips AGAIN. It's better than last week though. 

What do the judges say? Len: Jakey comes out 100 percent, but he biffed. AGAIN. Bruno was very excited about Jakey not wearing pants. It was cheeky and funny except for the biff. Carrie Ann loved it, the whole thing, even the misstep. They're pleased. Jake and Chelsie are pleased. Brooke reminds us that Jake was a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Jake makes an airliner/aerobatics joke that is terrible and goes over like a lead balloon. Carrie Ann? 8! Len? 7! Bruno? 8! Brooke reminds us that the scores don't count, so vote, damn your eyes!

COMMERCIALS! Okay, Kelly Ripa, I'll buy that you OWN those Electrolux appliances, but I bet my last dime you never use them. Truce?

We're back with Pammy and Damien, who got their best scores last week, and are now doing the quick step to "9 to 5" which I love as both a song and a movie, and gives Pam a chance to show the girls a little more than usual, if that's possible. She's exhausted in rehearsal. Turns out the quick step is QUICK! 

9 to 5 movie poster dolly parton dabney coleman lily tomlin

They go. But they're not in sync. The quickstep doesn't match the song, there's something really weird happening. They do a move on a table and chairs that would have me in the hospital, though, so good on them. Bruno? Characterization is always spot on. Good posture, need more movement, but it was good. Carrie Ann? She can see Pam being on Broadway! Len? He couldn't STAND the theatrics. Too much standing about, too little dancing. Bergeron makes a Grinch joke. Shut UP, Bergeron.

COMMERCIALS! Yogurt. Eat it and your intestines will be clean as a whistle. Hopefully not in public.

Back to Brooke and Pam/Damien. You used a lot of props, which Len hated. They don't care! Scores! Carrie Ann: 7, Len 6, Bruno 8! How does that feel? Okay. They're working on it. Pam just loves learning all the dances and Damien loves dancing with Pammy. Duh. Vote so they're not in the bottom two again.

Kate G and Tony are next, even though they should have gone home weeks ago. They're going to be massacring "Don't You Forget About Me" from The Breakfast Club. Kate is a COLOSSAL BITCH in rehearsal and has NO motivation. Tony works SO hard, y'all. Kate's feeling better about the dancing for some unknown reason, but she's still a bitch.

Breakfast club movie ally sheedy molly ringwald emilio estevez judd nelson

Foxtrot time! Oh Goddy God. Well...Tony's good! Kate's...there. Walking around. Like she's on a GREAT DEAL of Klonopin or Xanax or something very sedating. It's sooooooooooooooo boring. Would it KILL Kate to smile?

Carrie Ann? Nothing ever becomes fully formed. It's the embodiment of the teacher from Peanuts. Wah wah wah wah. Len calls Kate out on walking around instead of dancing. Bruno? Darling, you were catatonic. Everything that improved last week was back to sucking this week. Bergeron tries to lighten the mood, to no avail. 

Maxwell is performing tomorrow on the results show, which my mom will be watching for all of us, in case you were curious. Thanks, Mom!

Kate blames her kids visiting on her lack of energy to Brooke. Oh, that's nice. Whatever. Scores? Fives all around. Tony was proud of her, even though she's infuriating and terrible. Very nice, Tony.

COMMERCIALS! Okay, if I was unemployed for three months, I would not start building cities out of toothpicks, and a museum in Spain would not be interested in it. That is not an A-Ha moment. The "Take On Me" video. Now THAT was an A-Ha moment. 

Nicole and Derek are next. They were a little off last week, which makes Nicole cry. This week they've got to remember to enjoy it and kick some booty. They're dancing the tango to "Pretty Woman" so they're off to a field trip to Beverly Hills to spend an obscene amount of money. Derek is sporting a LOT of wood as Nicole tries on clothes. Nicole is here to BRING IT tonight. 

And bring it they do, light on their feet and they really look like they're having fun, unlike last week. It's not as frantic as they sometimes are. Is that good? We shall see. The crowd loves it.

Judges? Len? Best dance of the season. Bruno stands up in hs chair and attacks Len, screaming the whole time. I'm pretty sure he liked it. Carrie Ann is very enthusiastic as well. They're off to Brooke. How happy are THEY? SO happy. They were really tough on themselves and it paid off. Carrie Ann? 10! Len? 9! Bruno? 10! Don't forget none of those count, so we have to vote. Or...YOU have to vote. I'll be dancing with my clean-bill-of-health-cat and celebrating that this show is only an hour and a half this week. It's like Christmas and my birthday all in one!!!!

COMMERCIALS! I have no idea whatsoever as to why Russell Crowe is Robin Hood, but I have a terrible feeling I will be seeing that movie. I mean, I saw the Costner one in the theater when I was what, 12? I was young and stupid then. I guess I'm OLD and stupid now. 

Evan and Anna are closing out the show, and I really must plead with the stylists to do SOMETHING to the MONSTROSITY that is Evan's hair. It's overly long and flat and wants to be cute on a 13 year old emo kid, but Evan is a tool (a nice tool, but a tool all the same) and it looks ridiculous. They're dancing to "Don't Want to Miss A Thing" from Armageddon, oh holy hell, let's rhumba. 



Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, we couldn't get through the WHOLE show without SOMEONE being naked, and that person is Anna. She has one side of her dress all normal, and the other side...doesn't exist. Oh, they dance, and it's okay. The dress is SO distracting. 

Bruno: Exquisite ballet-like movement. His hips need to follow through. Carrie Ann? There was something very emotional about the movement. He's still disattached a bit at the hips. Len thinks they did a great job. Meh, it was okay. the DRESS, PEOPLE. Brooke? How hard is it to skate during the week and dance in rehearsals? He only rhumba'd once on the ice this week. Hee. Anna chatters about exploring America. Scores? Nines all around. They're pleased, it was a challenging week. Anna crazies in the background as Brooke reminds us to vote. 

AND THAT'S IT! 90 minutes! Blah blah results show, no one cares, thank YOU, Alyssa Milano sitcom, for cutting this mofo down to an hour and a half! I forgive you for "Charmed!" Almost. I'm not THAT insane. 

See you next week, cats and kittens!

. . . . .
Miss Banshee couldn't dance her way out of a paper bag, so she really has no room to talk.

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Fawn Amber

Excellent, as usual.

I cannot believe Kate Gosselin is still there. Who is voting for her, other than Jon and his people??? Good lord, they cannot have that much pull.

I thought Pamela looked quite pretty, for a change. It was nice to see her covered up.

Chad is starting to irritate me. Cheryl is so obviously not interested. Nor are we, Chad.

Suzy Q

Don't watch this stupid show, but read your recaps. Bravo!

Also, Snarky Amber did a post reviewing Domino's new pizza. Check it out, yo.

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