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Dancing With The Stars Recap: Sexytimes And The Swing Marathon

Dancing with the stars  Hey cats and kittens! Last week we finally got rid of Kate Gosselin, and this week we have a DOUBLE dance: tango or samba and then a swing marathon. Whatever, it's still just an hour and a half, so I'm happy! Thank you, Alyssa Milano's new show!  Let's dance, daddy-o! This could actually get a little fun, but then again, I'm on a lot of caffeine! Exclamation points!

This show is still number one in the ratings, holy crap. Now that Kate's out, we're down to the "real contenders" is basically what Bergeron implies. The "stars" clodhop down the stairs, as they always do, and it seems the theme is nudity! All the girls are in skimpy little see-through thingies. and all the boys have their shirts open except Damian, who, with Pam Anderson, is the most conservatively dressed! Wha? Bergeron, please explain. He doesn't.

Jakey and Chelsie: Samba! Last week Jake didn't wear pants, and this week he's barely wearing a shirt. He's totally into the samba. He's revved. He's pumped. He MAY be on crystal meth. He wants to close the gap between the rilly good dancers and, well, him. It's tough, the samba is not easy, and they want to compete with Evan and Nicole. 

They dance! Wow, Chelsie's buttcrack is like...outside. This is prime time, people! Oops! Jake trips over a stair. Poor thing can't get through one week without biffing. They're pretty good otherwise, but Jakey takes an extra step in there that even *I* notice, and that's saying a lot. Judges?

Len: More confidence, more polish, except for the tripping over the step. Remember the rhythm. Bruno? It lacked bounce and rhythm, and there's a joke Jake tries and fails to make about needing a dollar in his waistband to gyrate correctly. Leave the comedy to me, darling. Carrie Ann? Let the music carry you, Jakey. You're so in your head that you're tripping over yourself. Brooke?

How about that step, Jakey? Yeah, we get it, he tripped over the stair. Jake says Chelsie is good enough to win the whole thing. Scores: Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. They're okay, but not thrilled with the scores. Also not thrilled? VIENNA, remember her? Jake's fiancee? She's in the front row and doesn't realize that the camera is on her. She's making a great bitchface until Bergeron starts talking in front of her and she realizes she's on film. Oopsies! 


Evan and Anna are doing the samba, and there's lots of hips.There's ALWAYS something wonky about Evan's hips. Does skating do that to people or is he just hip-deficient? Inquiring minds want to know. But the big drama happens next.  During swing practice Anna drops Evan on his HEAD and he ends up in the hospital with a mild concussion. Goooooood job, Anna. However, a very stereotypical Dr. Hans Von Germanguy thinks he'll be fine to dance vith da stahs. Please, they got that dude from Central Casting. 

Anna, of course, is not wearing clothes. It's in her contract. But! SOMEONE has listened to me and slicked back Evan's hair. Is this place bugged? Hello?! I want a big box of money! Anyway, Evan, also, has his shirt totally unbuttoned. Is there an ab requirement for this show, because I'm not complaining, especially now that his hair is SO much better. Evan does fine, even though Anna smashed his skull in and he has white boy hips. Can't be helped, apparently.

Bruno is...picking his nose. When he's done, he says that samba requires a different hip situation, meaning (I think) that as always, Evan has zero rhythm. "Boo!" says the audience. Carrie Ann: You fought and lost against the samba, even though you're fun to watch. The hips and bounce, man! They never came together. Len: I don't want to be nasty, (ha) but it was terrible and too cute, and this dance does not suit you at all. Ouch! Brooke? How was THAT for criticism? Evan says that it was great criticism, they were right about his hips. Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. How are they going to come back from that? Just keep working. And they need votes! Vote that Evan keeps his hair slicked back for the loveagod. 

Commercials! Oh man, Lucky Charms. I talked about Lucky Charms on the Roundtable once, and how they put LSD in the marshmallows. A stoner told me that in all seriousness one day in the dining hall of my college dorm. He was the best. Looked like Jeebus! Well, I don't think Jeebus had a coke nail. Anyway, I want Lucky Charms. For the sugar, not for the LSD. What am I recapping again?

Niecy and Louis! They're going to do a "funny Argentine tango." Niecy almost breaks something laughing when Louis says to put her foot on his shoulder. She keeps kicking him during rehearsals. Niecy's having a hard time, but she'll do anything to please the judges. She's totally manically laughing the whole time. 

Tango! Niecy has great gams, and they are totally shown off in her dress, which is cut uptothere. There's a lot of posing but not much movement, and Niecy's bodacious tatas almost fall out of her dress at the end, but it's really entertaining. There's something with Louis stealing a cookie from Niecy at the end. That's not sexual innuendo, there's an actual cookie involved.

Carrie Ann? Nice to see you DANCING, Niecy. There's a new attitude and she's in the zone. Can't believe they did the lift, but they didn't need the comedy. Len liked the comedy! Lacked a bit of intensity but it was good. Bruno? Stay away from my lunchbox! WHAT? There was a lot of footwork, wasn't as sweaty and carnal as they could have been, but it was good! Yay! Everyone cheers for...

Commercials! I know I'm wicked old because I get excited about Extend-A-Cleen Scrubbing Bubbles. Where did my youth go? 

Let's get to the scores! Carrie Ann? 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. Niecy was happy that there was comedy and food in the act. She knows the scores don't count. 

Samba with Erin and Max! In rehearsals, there's more pressure because they're getting better. Erin is SO competitive. She over-analyzes everything. They bicker. I wonder how much they bicker in BED BEFORE AND AFTER THE SEX THEY ARE HAVING. Max says Erin's sending him to the lunatic asylum. Hey, the bin is a nice rest, Max, don't knock it. Um, anyway, they dance!

Samba-licious! There's nothing wrong with Erin's hips, that's for sure. Max takes his shirt of and the crowd goes berserk. Is it warm in here or is it just me? Phew. Len? Smackdown. You're getting another 7 tonight because you show up and give a proper dance and she's capable of way more. He blames Max for that. Bruno is up! He's yelling! Arms were spot on, it was exciting! Does he say something else? Who knows? Carrie Ann: The samba is wicked hard and you NAILED IT. Bergeron calls Erin and Max lovebirds and sends them to Brooke. She's all "what's it going to take to make Len happy?" Erin can't help it, she's a nervous wreck out there. Carrie Ann 9, Len 7, Bruno 9!!!! Max lifts up Erin in celebration. Oh just MAKE OUT for the loveajeebus. Let's please go to commercials before everyone gets naked. 

Commercials! The Nissan LEAF is an electric car, and if you don't get one, Al Gore and Ed Begley Jr. will eat your eyes.

Oh good, it's Chad and Cheryl. What atrocity are they going to pull out this week and how much will Chad sexually harass Cheryl? Seriously, he's not good and he hasn't been getting better, and he's STILL pulling in the votes. Instead of rehearsal, they go to Cincinnati so they can get an ego boost. The tango is all chest and hips, and Chad's totes into that. He has to lead, and manhandle her. Chad's loving life. Maybe this is what he needs?

The Argentine Tango! It's better. Way better. I just don't see...there's just no fire in Chad, but he's got the moves down pat. He's way better than he's ever been, that's for sure. Maybe because he was leading? Maybe because he's groping Cheryl, which he wants to be doing ANYWAY? Something has improved drastically.

Bruno? Powerful! He proved he can do it! Carrie Ann: You nailed it. It was arrogant and sensual, really nicely done. Len? You grow or you go. You grew tonight. Yep, I think Chad "grew" if you know what I'm saying and I think you do. It really was very good. Not his erection, the dance. Hey look, it's...

Commercials! I know MamaPop has covered this situation, but the no-bun chicken sandwich thing at KFC makes me physically ill to even think about, and this is coming from someone who would live on Hostess products and Mickey D's if it wouldn't kill me. 

Let's get scores for Chad and Cheryl: Carrie Ann 8, Len 8, Bruno 8. Highest score for them ever! Chad's pleased and gives a mumbled something or other about how it's good and he's happy. I think that's what he said. I can't recap what I can't decipher, dude.

Nicole and Derek are next. Last week they got 10s and a 9. They're back in the groove. But this week is not the Brazilian dance party Nicole was looking for. The samba is technical and haaaaaaaaaaaaaard. Nicole feels the pressure of staying on top, and the nerves are WAY getting to her. Derek tries to calm her down to no avail. 

Here they go. Nothing wrong with Nicole's hips, that's for damn sure, but she's used to that with the Pussycat Dolls, I assume. I've never had the...pleasure...of seeing them perform. (Hot damn, I'm polite.) Anyway, it looks technically sound and the crowd jumps to its feet. 

Carrie Ann? That was ridiculously good. She can't find anything to criticize. Len? The difficulty and performance was great but the gyrations and the lines were bad, and by bad, he means sloppy and slutty. Boo! Bruno? You. Are. One. Siiiingular Sensation! (he's up on the chair again, he's like a rhesus monkey, I swear) and they have nothing to worry about. Brooke? What's the pressure like, Nicole? She's just trying to catch her breath.

Carrie Ann? 9 Len 7, Bruno 10! Did I need to mention that Derek's shirt wasn't buttoned? I didn't think so. 

Pammy and Damian were in the bottom two AGAIN last week, and she wants to KILL the tango. They run into a lot of problems in rehearsal with the lifts. They just want to do better than the sodding bottom two. They'll dance after...

Commercials! Mike Rowe wants you to drive a Ford. Of course he does. Because Mike Rowe is the most manly American man ever to be a manly American man, and that's what Ford stands for. Or something. I drive a Kia. It's like a toy!

Pam and Damian, everybody! Pam's wearing a brunette wig and is WAY more conservatively dressed than most of the women were tonight. Okay, I confess, they dance and stuff, but I am far more concerned with figuring out what song has been musak-ed. Finally, I realize it's my beloved DEPECHE MODE as done on what, an accordion? It was driving me BATTY placing it. Oh, dancing. Len? it was better. Bruno loves her as always. Pam always lives the part. Something about plucking a rose. Bruno, you keep me in Advil, that's for damn sure. Carrie Ann? Good, but wanted more in the lower body. 

Let's hear it for the band! Let's not! Depeche Mode with accordion? Just...my inner goth is weeping. Brooke? You have such a fighting spirit, Pam! She likes being on top, passion, fire, WE GET IT YOU'RE SEXY. Jeez. Scores? Carrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 8. Getting better, but they keep ending up in the bottom two, so you have to vote! 

When we come back, the swing marathon that almost had everyone in traction during rehearsals! That should be awesome. But first...

Commercials! Adopt a shelter pet through Petfinder dot com on your iPhone! I'm adopting babies (kitten babies) through Petfinder! Huzzah! Let's all get new pets! Woot! (I'm a little excited about the kittens.)

Swing marathon! Which isn't a marathon, it's competing for points and the judges will nix the couples along the way. Rehearsals are a disaster, especially the flips and speed. It's survival of the fittest. Derek flips Nicole and she bellyflops on the floor. Owwwww. Chad's giving Cheryl a pep talk like they're going after a touchdown. It's cute. Jake says he and Chelsie have got it in the bag. We'll see. Get on with it, you have five minutes. I WAS PROMISED THIS EPISODE WAS ONLY 90 MINUTES.

They all dance. Jake and Chelsie are out first, HA! Chad takes off his shirt. Niecy and Louis are out next when a flip goes bad. Evan and Anna are out next for some reason I miss. This is hard to recap. Chad and Cheryl biff and are out. Pammy and Damian are out, then there were two! Nicole and Derek or Erin and Max? And it's Nicole and Derek for the win! 

Quickly! The judges yell and laugh and make positive noises towards Nicole and Derek and we're out of time and OMG VOTE AND BYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!!!!!!!

Phew. See you next week, kiddos. Is it the Lucky Charms, or is this show getting more entertaining? 

. . . . .
Miss Banshee needs to switch to decaf, like, for realsies.

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The recap was hysterical! I can understand why you were cracking yourself up writing it!


Bruno gets pints for appearing on the Soup in tidy whities last week.


whoops -- points. I don't think he drinks pints. They are too hetero.

cindy w

Yes, the show IS way more entertaining now. You know why? The black hole of despair known as Kate Gosselin is gone. Finally.

Mighty Hunter

Okay, so, really? I hate the very IDEA of Dancing With The Stars, which probably tells you that I never ever ever watch it and never ever ever will.


I love your recaps and you are fucking hysterical and I'm not even saying this because someone put me up to it. I totally loved this and laughed the entire time I was reading this which makes a few people at work wonder what I'm working on but I don't care.

Suzy Q

I work at a professional job. I went to lunch today with the two top dogs and two same-level co-workers. All of us are women. They ALL watch this show and were talking about it...except me. However, thanks to Miss Banshee's wonderful recaps, I was able to keep the eye-rolling to a minimum. Thank you, Miss B, for making an unbillable work lunch bearable by replying (in my mind, of course) to their critical analysis of this superbly stupid show.

nic @mybottlesup

i haven't been able to comment until now because i haven't been able to read through the entire recap without running to my toilet to pee.

i luff you.

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