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Dancing With The Stars: My "Story" Is A Naughty One

DancingwiththestarsIt's story time on DWTS tonight, wherein our "stars" will tell a tale with their boogaloos. What will they create for you tonight?!??!? THIS is Dancing With the Stars! Aren't you just piddling yourselves with excitement? I know I am. Although it might be the energy drinks. Let's get started!

I'm not hopped up on goofballs this week, all the goofballs we will be dealing with are here on this bloody show! So last week Shannen and Mark were Shockingly! Eliminated! Which tells us that people still think Brenda Walsh is a bitch, all these years later, and it ended up being a good thing, because Mark had busted his knee up something fierce, so she'd have to be paired with another dancer anyway. So that's what we missed on the results show that actually MATTERED. Things that didn't matter include the withered remains of The Beach Boys, who could not even be saved by the magic of the Stamos, and a lot of other dancing that matters not. You didn't watch it, and I don't blame you.


Last week this tripe was the most watched show on television, which says a lot about the taste level of America, and boy oh boy are Bergeron and Brooke excited about that! You know, Bergeron concerns me. Anyone else think he's got a deep dark secret? Like Dexter-type secret? Maybe it's just me, but I'd be concerned about crawlspaces under his house. The man is too chipper. Perhaps that's because he feeds people to a WOOD chipper. I'm not trying to start a panic, I'm just a little suspicious, is all.

The judges want STORIES tonight! Tell a story with your dance, monkeys, no props or anything like that, let your mooooooooooooooovements tell the story. Okay, whatever. It's gonna be a heck of a night, according to Brooke. 

We start with some filler, wherein real dancers do a number that "ends in true love" Oh retch. Anyway, the pros dancey dancey and I guess this is to take up the space that Shannen left? OH, I get it. They're showing us different dance moves with the chyron so we know what things like the "two step" and "paso doble" are. We are also subjected to a chipper, ballroom dancing version of Iggy Pop's "Lust for Life" which sends me into convulsions of horror. Let us never speak of it again.

Evan and Anna are first up. Last week, Evan surprised Len by actually improving. Will he do more of the same this week? Let's see! 

They do the quick-step, which is very bouncy and boing-y and all I know is that I read on the innerwebz that Evan has two broken toes from rehearsal, so it's impressive that he's dancing at all, and he's actually doing it pretty well. He's still pretty gangly and all arms and legs, but he's really improving from week to week, which I think is a nod to Anna. Well done Anna. What do the judges think?

Len? Totally got the story that he was dancing on air that his lady was there, but he's got to work on his feet. Bruno? You dumped her! WHAT? That's what he said. I don't know. Carrie Ann, save us from this madness: She loved it. Fantastic stuff. Bergeron yammers about voting, and Brooke reminds us that Evan's toes are broken. Scores? Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Bruno 9!!!! How hard is this for Evan, Brooke asks? Well he trusts Anna completely. Another love connection? MAYBE!

Commercials! I don't have an iPhone, okay? I feel very small and insignificant, Steve Jobs. Are you happy now?

Next up is Buzz and Ashly, who will be waltzing today. Ai yi yi. Their story is that he's coming home to his daughter after a war and they waltz, got it? Oh who the fuck cares, no one is going to vote these two off, they got the most votes last week and they were the last ones in the judging. Unless Buzz punches her in the face, there's really nothing we can do to get rid of Buzz. Not that we'd want to, blah blah national treasure blah. 

They dance to "What a Wonderful World" and it's exactly like last week. Ashly dances, Buzz walks. He's good at that! Walk, Buzz, walk! This is so boring that I tune out for a bit to IM with Amber, and when I come back to the dancing, the judges are basically saying that they are charming and Len FINALLY says that it "wasn't fantastic" and was oversimplified. Which is better than last week, when he refused to judge them. Over to Brooke, where Buzz is pleased and shills the military, and whatever. Carrie Ann 5, Len 4, Bruno 4. NONE OF THIS MATTERS, your granny is going to call and get them voted through. Damn you, granny!

Commercials! EW! Don't use the same handtowel over and over! It's swarming with germs! Use Kleenex hand towels, they're fresh every time. Never mind deforestation or ya know, washing your towels.

Next is Jakey and Chelsie, and they quarrel because Jake wants to be perfect right away, and when he isn't, he throws a hissy. AMG, Jakey is SUCH a baby. WHOA! He calls Chelsie disrespectful. What? She's just trying to teach him! Bullshit. Jakey is clearly used to having his own way, which is why he picked Vienna and her three brain cells. Zing! But I digress. Point is, Jakey is NOT endearing himself to me, he's being a brat in rehearsals. Team Chelsie!

Oh god, they're dancing to "Walk Like An Egyptian" and and it just looks like he's hopping like the frakking Easter bunny and she's gyrating. I guess that's the quick step? What do I know from dancing? Enough to know that this is beyond cheesy. And clunky. And not very good. Judges?

Carrie Ann liked the storyline but they made it really tough for themselves, they need to be lighter on their feet. Jake needs to stand up straight, sayeth Len, but it was great entertainment. Bruno LOOOOOOOOOOVED EEEEEEEEEEEEET and makes a (surprise!) sex joke. He admits it's a hard and fast (dirty) dance, and that they did a good job. Whatever, it was super clunky. 

Over with Brooke, she asks them about communication and not fighting, and they're a LEETLE tense. Scores! Sevens across the board. Every vote counts! Except the judges! None of this matters! WOOT!

Niecy and Louis are next, dealing with the waltz as a metaphor for the struggle of intterracial couples, after the break. 

Commercials! What do you want to do when you're depressed? Nothing. So take Cymbalta and you'll be giving piggyback rides to your significant other unless you have a serious if not fatal reaction. Yikes!

And we're back with Niecy and Louis who were a revelation last week. They got praise across the board. This week they're being an interracial relationship in the 1960s dealing with prejudice. This makes Niecy sad! She's crying in rehearsal! Oh noes! And I think there's a nod to Louis's sexual identity in there as well, if I spy correctly. Anyway, they're emotional about prejudice and being able to love who you love. Damn right. 

they dance. It's VERY overdramatic. It doesn't seem to be as complex as last week, more flowy. Aw, they're so emotionally invested! I seriously think Niecy is on the verge of tears the whole time. it's very sweet, if not technically great. Judges?

Len: a story was told through emotion, but more technique needs to be broughten. Bruno loves the emotion, but they need to work on their feet. Carrie Ann: it's an important story to tell, but she didn't get the ending. It didn't really come through in the dance. She's confused. I don't think it's really that hard to confuse Carrie Ann. Over to Brooke! Niecy felt vulnerable and it made her very nervous. and Louis thinks everyone should be able to be married to whoever they love, dammit, and that's...not part of the whole dancing thing, but whatevs! I agree entirely. Sevens all around from the judges. Louis and Niecy are not giggling this week, this shit is serious. Serious Niecy makes me sad! It's okay, Niecy! 

Let's hear it for the band!  Hissssssssssssssssssssssss. Booooooooooooooo.

Commercials! You know, there are a lot of car commercials on this show. Fancy cars for fancy people. So I'd just like to brag that my 2002 Kia Spectra has windows that roll down by crank. RETRO! Suck on THAT, Mercedes!

Last week everyone was determined to make me call Chad "Ocho" but I still flat out refuse. CHAD and Cheryl were crap and got crap scores. So Chad is serious now and needs to refocus. He's determined but his technique is terrible, according to Cheryl. This is all very humbling to Chad, he interviews. He wants to be "damn near perfect." They do the paso doble in the guise of a bullfighter trying to get the affections of a woman. Chad's a little lighter on his feet, but he's still clompy stomping pretty bad. His heart is in it this week, though, unlike last time. Bruno: YOU RELEASED THE KRAKEN! He actually yells this. It doesn't matter what else he says. I love Bruno. Carrie Ann: he was focused like a laser, miles ahead of last time. Len: much better, work on your POSTURE, Chad. Well done. 

Commercials! My digital cable freezes, so I never get to know how a truck driver helps Walmart make a difference. My life is so empty now. 

Scores for Chad and Cheryl: Carrie Ann: 7, Len 6, Bruno 7. Chad interviews that last week was humbling, but he was pleased to be the cocky arrogant type this week, because he does it SO well. No argument there. 

Next is Pammy A. and Damian. Last week they were crowd favorites, but ended up in the bottom two! Shocker! Pam says that she cried, and learned that voting actually counts, so she's making Tommy and the kids vote this time. This week the sexy flamenco dancer Pammy is totally against the matador for his animal cruelty and they're kicking it up a notch.How are they kicking it up a notch? OH GOD CHARO IS HERE. She's teaching the flamenco to Pam and screaming. Please, please, don't put Charo and Bruno in the same room. The noise will make all our brains explode.

They dance! It's very high-energy and (shocker) sexy. Speaking of sexy, Damian can dance shirtless whenever he wants, is all I'm saying. At the end, Pammy stomps off all mad. Acting!  Carrie Ann? The anger was good, Pam knows her body. Len: Better with the nerves, good intensity, needs refinement. Bruno something something sex bomb is a good performer he wants to see more. The crowd cheers. Brooke? How much fun are you having? Pam makes a sex joke. Shocker. CArrie Ann 7, Len 7, Bruno 7. Remember they were in the bottom two last week so you've got to vote, OMG.

Last week, Aiden and Edyta stepped it up with the foxtrot, but Aiden went backstage and barfed. Nerves a go go! Aw, poor Aiden. He's ready to give it his all. Their story is the quickstep, and it's exhausting. Edyta brings in Aiden's wife and baby to chill him out for his birthday. It makes him work harder. We'll see after the ads if they pull it off. 

Commercials! Sarah Jessica Parker? I believe you and I use the same face wash the way I believe that you're gonna let me borrow your Manolos. 

And we're back! Aiden is a painter and his painting of Edyta comes to life and they quickstep, which looks SILLY and they're doing it to that GOD AWFUL "Hey There Sister" Train song that is on the radio ALL THE TIME and I HATE IT, and the "band" is making it 200,000 times worse. Oh yeah, and they dance, too. I don't know, I don't like the quick step, it's too hoppy and dorky. Len? It was too careful. Boos from audience! Aiden explains that his mic dropped down his pants. Oops. Bruno: something completely incomprehensible. I rewind. Nope, still got nothing. Let's please be moving on. Carrie Ann: Too bubbly, too light on his feet, which Aiden takes as a kick to his manhood. Over with Brooke: The quickstep was the hardest thing he's ever done. Does he feel pressure from the crowd or the judges? Edyta interrupts with Russian nonsensical babbling. MOVE ON. Carrie Ann 7, Len 6, Bruno 7. Why doesn't Edyta ever wear clothes? Seriously, she has CLEARLY shaved her bikini line down to nothing, that's for damn sure. Ugh. CLOTHING. Wear it.

Commercials! What do you see yourself doing after retirement? If you're my dad, you say "fuck that noise" in a week and go back to work. But my daddoo is pretty hardcore, so there ya go.

Last week Erin took to the foxtrot like a duck to water, but needed to trust Max. This week they're waltzing. Erin is a perfectionist and it's hard for her to just enjoy it. So to make things even more exciting, and totally kinky and inappropriate, Erin is going to be blindfolded so she trusts Max.  She's scared as hell, but she's giving in to Max. Sex. They are having it. Together. With each other.

They dance, and out comes the blindfold. The crowd goes berserk. She's definitely following him better. It's good, and she rips off the blindfold at the end, to the delight of the crowd. So much sex. They are having SO much sex. They're going to have sex onstage pretty soon. Bruno: Kinky! It could end in handcuffs. Something else dirty, seriously, I give up. Carrie Ann: Way to use the prop,(meaning the blindfold) way to tell the story. Maybe don't claw onto him SO tightly. Len: BORING! There wasn't enough waltzing in their waltz. Boo, yells the audience!

Commercials! Chili's starts smoking your babyback ribs four hours before you come in. Sadly, it's still Chili's, so it's pretty much ass, smoked or not.

We're back with scores! Carrie Ann: 8, Len 7, Bruno 8. How much trust did it take for Erin to trust Max? Not a lot, as they're boinking every night. You know it, I know it, everyone knows it. I call my dead granny. Yep, she knows it too.

Next is Kate Gosselin and Tony. Last week the jive was dreadful, and this week they're dancing to "Paparazzi" by MamaPop's favorite monster, Lady Gaga. In rehearsal, Kate is shutting down, and has no acting ability whatsoever. Enter the acting coach, who makes her cry. She's not allowed to show emotion in her life. She's totally disconnected. Enter a punching bag! Much better with the anger when she's whaling on the bag. Let's see what she can do on the dance floor.

Commercials: Yogurt. YOU know what it makes you do. 

Now Kate and Tony dance! She's better than last week, but there's NO emotion behind it. I feel bad for Kate, y'all. she's just not a performer. She's also dead in the face. Not smiling. Dead eyes. No expression. Carrie Ann stammers "That was odd," it was hard to watch, and the emotion didn't get to Kate's face. Len: you got through it, but it was just walking around. Bruno: One minute you are bitch from hell, next minute no. You are dancing, NOT walking. Hey, I just report this shit. Ugh. Thank jeebie that's over. Poor Kate. Over with Brooke, Kate says she tries to deal with her emotions and it's hard. Is Kate enjoying herself? Believe it or not, she's enjoying herself. I do not believe her for one single solitary second. Carrie Ann: 5, Len 5, Bruno 5. They need your help, with votes. DUDES. Carrie Ann isn't even pretending she has any time for Kate. She haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaates Kate. SOMEONE is letting their emotions get to their face, is all I'm saying.

Commercials!: Worried about your taxes? YOU SHOULD BE. Go to H&R Block or you'll be utterly SCREWED,  don't you GET IT?!?!?!? Yeesh, okay, okay.

FINALLY. We're almost there, kids. Nicole and Derek are next. They were perfect 10s last week, but now they're wearing sailor suits and look so ridic. They're doing a slapsticky version of the quickstep, and they're not taking the easy road. Nicole loses her temper in rehearsal. She thinks she looks like an idiot. Eyebrows tries, but she's really stressy and boo hooing. Here they go.

OKAY. Is THIS how the quickstep is supposed to go? It's goofy and jumpy but not clod-hoppy like all the others. They look like they're having super fun and it's freaking great. These two belong on a different show. They're just RIDICULOUSLY better than anyone else. The audience goes crazy. 

BUT OH WAIT. Len? They broke the rules, they had a lift, boo. It wasn't the quick step. They're cheating cheaters!!!  Bruno: Incredible performance, but he agrees with Len, they took too much artistic license. He doesn't say that, but that's what it translates to in human. Carrie Ann: they did a lift, so they're dead to her. Wow. Okay, so everyone loves it but the judges, who hate it because they broke the rules. Carrie ann: 8, Len 6, Bruno 9. Nicole's boobs look fantastic. I give them a 10.

We recap the performances, and you're on your own for the results show, cause no one came to the open thread, since the world was watching Idol, but I'm sure you'll find out who gets the boot when they end up on Reege and Kelly on Wednesday. 

That's it, folks! There's a performance by Reba McIntyre tomorrow on the results show, if, um, anyone is interested. Yeah, I didn't think so either. 

See ya next week!

. . . . .
Miss Banshee doesn't feel she needs to explain her art to you, Warren.

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Fawn Amber

I didn't get to watch last night, but I'll definitely have to after reading this, if only to see Maks and Erin...I heard on the radio that Kate was crying too but, no?

A perfect recap, as usual!!


"Please, please, don't put Charo and Bruno in the same room. The noise will make all our brains explode."

The mere thought of this had me in the corner, in a fetal position, shaking.


Two thumbs up!! For the recap, not the crap show. I agree, Max and Erin need to just own it.

cindy w

Max and Erin are TOTALLY doing it. And Kate is so horrible that I feel embarrassed for her when she dances. Yikes.


I never watched this show EVER until I read your recap last week. Your recaps are fab and I love them and they make the show hilarious in retrospect. I also give Nicole's boobs a 10. jealous.


I have zero interest in this show - last night it was DWTS or PBS talking about Mormons for 2 hours and I watched the Mormons. But I love this column - your commercial recaps are my favorite. The Cymbalta one slayed me.


"Let's hear it for the band! Hissssssssssssssssssssssss. Booooooooooooooo."

That right there? Why I would read you recapping something on the History Channel.

That band makes me want to pull out my fillings and reinstall them myself. I say Princess SparkleHead must DIE.


The whole time I was watching this last night (well, flipping back and forth between that and House Hunters and HH Int'l), I kept thinking, oh, I can't WAIT to read Miss Banshee's recap. She is going to have a field day with this - all of it!

I agree about the Kleenex ads - um, hello, put out a fresh towel daily - or two at a time, perhaps? And encourage your family to use soap, not just rinse under warm water, and the germs will be gone.

Aiden's daughter was SUCH a cutie patootie! Can we bar Vienna from attending the performance? I don't need to see her.

Why was Carol Brady in the audience last night, and why did they cut to her after Kate's walk - I mean, dance? Are they comparing or contrasting the two?

Suzy Q

Good lord, they had CHARO on? I missed that? She must be at least 138 years old by now.

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