Gleecap - Hell-O

 The triumphant and much-anticipated return of Glee brings with it my less triumphant and far less anticipated Gleecap! Today’s recap features a special guest, so please give a warm welcome to Mighty Hunter, who was not actually watching this episode, but came along for the ride. 

For those of you who’ve forgotten what happened months ago, Will found out Teri was only fake pregnant and dumped her; Finn found out Quinn’s real baby is Puck’s; the glee club won sectionals; Ken left Emma, who ended up in Will’s arms at the end of the episode. 

Walking the halls of McKinley, Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes think their days of being high school pariahs are over now that they’ve won sections, until they get TOTALLY slushied. [Mighty Hunter: Was it grape again? They really need to start mixing up the flavors a bit.] I think it was blue-flavored, actually. It looks as though the status is still very much quo, despite the victory.

Speaking of status quo, Will is in Figgins’ office bitching about the fact that the glee club is still expected to place at Regionals or the program will be cut. Further proving that the more things change, the more they stay the same, Sue has been reinstated as the coach of the Cheerios due to some creative blackmailing, it appears.

Football season is over, and Finn is playing basketball now with new girlfriend Rachel cheering him on in a shirt that says "Team Finn." The basketball team is about as good at the football team, as it happens. Finn VOs that he's "kinda depressed," but mostly he seems weary. I imagine that's to be expected when you’re dating Rachel. For example, she has made His and Hers relationship calendars with all their dates filled in so Finn will stop forgetting about them. Finn's also not really over Quinn, who’s now dating Puck. That relationship appears to be going about as well as you might expect: Puck has a no-fatties rule and would like Quinn to stop super-sizing her meals, baby or no baby. Finn muses to himself that he wishes he could be more like Coach Tanaka and just really let himself go.

In the halls, Sue cuts off some dude's ponytail and says she's donating it to Hurricane Katrina victims so they can plug the holes in their FEMA trailers. Yep, she's definitely back. And how did she get there? Well, naturally, she roofied Figgins, got him into bed and took a picture. Flinging off the covers to reveal a full track suit, she threatens to send the photos to his wife and the school board. After that little flashback, Sue tells Will she wishes to resume all of her obligations, including her self-assigned duty to get Will fired and bring down the glee club and blah blah, haven’t I seen this episode before? She also tells him he has enough product in his hair to season a wok. 

Determined to get the kids revved for Regionals, Will is making them all bring in a song that has "hello" in the title, because that’s the name of this episode. [Mighty Hunter: PRINCE! No one will bring in Prince. Which is a shame.] After practice, Will makes moony eyes at Emma in her office. He wants to kiss her, but she's all "hold on hold on, i have to clean up first." Her OCD (or rather CDO, in alphabetical order, as it should be) is totally getting in the way of their make outs. Will decides they need to date, and asks her to his place so he can cook her dinner. Will says she didn’t know he cooked, and he says there’s a lot she doesn’t know about him outside of school, and he can't wait to show them all to her. I envision a sex dungeon with a gimp mask, because I'm a little disturbed. In this scenario, by the way, Will is totally the bottom and Emma's got the whip. *goes and writes some fanfic* Okay, back.

Back in her office, Sue berates her moles, Santana and Brittany, for not successfully bringing down the glee club and, in actuality, going to the other side. I think Sue should maybe have a good think about placing such a dastardly deed in the hands of two girls with the collective IQ of yogurt. Sue decides to employ them in a capacity they’re more suited to—cock teasing—and uses the open head cheerleader position as incentive. She instructs them to go after Finn in order to devastate Rachel and make her quit glee club. [Mighty Hunter: That? might actually work.]

 

In the auditorium, Will gives Finn some sort of pep talk, and I totally heard it at the time but immediately forgot it because they all sound the same to me at this point. [Mighty Hunter: Maybe because they are? "Your real friends are here."] Yes, and also: “You’re a leading leader who leads!”  This one, actually, was I think about Finn embracing his inner rock star, inspiring Finn to sing, "Hello, I Love You" by The Doors with an awful instrumental track that sounds like a MIDI. Still singing, Finn walks down the hall behind Quinn and Puck, who are bickering. Then he plays basketball—still singing—as everyone cheers him on in the bleachers. In the locker room, cheerleaders feel him up and dance around him in the locker room. [Mighty Hunter: Sounds like a VH-1 video. It would be totally different on BET. Or CMT.]  Yes, that's true: there would be more oil and mud, respectively. More importantly, though, Finn's singing seems—mercifully—to have improved.

After the song, Finn feels like he’s pretty hot shit and, to add to the pile, Santana and Brittany ask him on a date...with both of them. As this is basically how 60% of all pornos start, so how can he say no? After these brief messages, Santana and Brittany give Finn a big boner, walking away hand in hand as Rachel approaches. She behaves all Rachely, chasing away Finn's aforementioned boner. He dumps her, saying he wants to play the field, maybe find out who he is or whatever. You know, read some Jack Kerouac, backpack through Europe, take up tai chi, stuff like that.

Like she does every time he rejects her, Rachel tells Finn exactly who he is, and that only she really knows him. She adds that while she may know him, he doesn't see her at all as anything more than the geeky girl who has a crush on him, because he's more concerned about his rep than being with the one who accepts him for who he is. Hey, Finn? TOLD.

Back in the choir room, Will asks for one of the kids to show their "hello" song. [Mighty Hunter: PRINCE!] And it's “I Hope It Gives You Hell” by All-American Rejects, which I do not believe contains the word “hello,” at least if Hooked on Phonics did indeed work for me. [Mighty Hunter: I predict Leonel Richie at some point. Which will make me stab my eyes out.] This song right now is kinda making me want to stab my ears out, actually. Will rolls his eyes and Finn feels uncomfortable because this is a TELLY TELLY TOLDY TOLD song about him, but everyone else dances and sings along. 

Will chides Rachel for not doing a song with “Hello” in the title, to which she responds that she was focusing on the first syllable. This makes Will do his whole, "TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY OR GLEE CLUB IS OVER DUH DUH DUUUUUHN" shtick. [Mighty Hunter: You know, that threat is starting to lose its power.]

Appropriately chided, Rachel goes to the bookstore to look at sheet music where she picks up a book of...you guessed it...LIONEL RICHIE. Jesse St. James, the star of Vocal Adrenaline, approaches and blatantly hits on her. That name is tailor-made for porn, by the way. Jesse's pretty dreamy, but clearly very assured of his talents, which makes him an ideal match for Rachel. He regales her with his various qualities, telling her he’s not long for Ohio. Jesse plans to go to the University of California at Los Angeles—maybe you've heard of it? It's in Los Angeles. "I like to give impromptu concerts for the homeless," he smarms. "It's so important to give back." Vom. Of course, we all know that all bookstores in podunk towns have grand pianos, so Jesse sits down and starts playing and singing "Hello." Rachel gets a wicked case of the googoo eyes as she sits beside him and harmonizes. 

This scenario smacks of so much sabotage, I feel like they should be singing a Beastie Boys song next. Maybe the string quartet that is magically ALSO in this bookstore knows that one? After the song, Jesse asks Rachel out on a date for Friday night.

At the diner, Brittany and Santana bitch at their waitstaff that their nearly empty plates of food were terrible, so they would like to send them back for more, please. After this treatment, I'm fairly certain the cooks will put a lot of themselves into the next round, if you know what I mean. While they're talking as though they’re alone, they're actually on their date with Finn, patently ignoring him. [Mighty Hunter: Are they going to make out? Let me know if this happens.] They explain to Finn that a date with them entails dinner on him in exchange for watching them make out. [Mighty Hunter: SCORE.] However, they now would appreciate it if he would just wait in the car and leave his credit card. Then Brittany says to Santana, "did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?" and I'm pretty sure I peed a little. 

In his apartment that not too long ago was also inhabited by his fake-pregnant wife, Will dances with Emma to “Hello Again” by Neil Diamond and tells her it's the perfect song for the two of them. Like, he's making it their song. Which...okay, you can't do that, dude. Your song becomes your song on accident, you don't just DECIDE it's your song. Aaaanyway, they kiss and make out on the couch, and Emma freaks. She needs to use the bathroom. When he presses her for what’s wrong, she says she hasn’t “been intimate” in a very, very long time. Like, as in EVER. Emma’s a virgin. [Mighty Hunter: Clearly, if she's calling it "being intimate."] Will says they can take it slow and suggests they watch a movie, but the only ones he has are Armageddon and Bad Boys, because those are the only ones Teri left behind. Teri is apparently a Bruckheimer fan, because her character wasn't already loathsome enough.

The next day, Finn tries to get back together with Rachel but she's all, "Sorry, I've moved on.” [Mighty Hunter: WITH THE ENEMY!] Yeah, and Finn's trying to explain that it's CLEARLY SABOTAGE but she's not hearing it, so Finn runs to Will and says, "we have a problem."

In Sue’s office Santana and Brittany do crunches as they report their failure to Sue. [Mighty Hunter: Is there spanking? PLEASE LET THERE BE SPANKING.] There is no spanking, but they do tell Sue about Jesse from Vocal Adrenaline.

And speaking of...Vocal Adrenaline is practicing, performing AC/DC's "Highway to Hell." Jesse is fucking awesome, and Idina Menzel plays director Shelby Corcoran. Squee! When they finish the number, which is of course flawless, Shelby basically tells everyone to suck less and go drink a Red Bull. Will, who is there watching, approaches and tells her about the relationship between Jesse and Rachel, indicating he thinks Jesse's been sent as a spy. Shelby says something about how sometimes attraction just happens and, before you know it, she and Will are making out on Will's couch. Before it gets too PG-13, Will stops her. She asks if he's gay, since most of the choir directors she makes out with are. Putting the kibosh on makeouts, they have coffee in the kitchen while Will tells Shelby about his love life: still married, but separated; dating Emma; making out with some woman he just met. You know how it is. Shelby suggests Will take a little breather and be alone for a while. 

The following day, Rachel waltzes into the choir room and is met with a lecture her about Jesse. Mercedes, Tina, Kurt and Artie tell her under no uncertain terms that she has to stop dating him or they kick her out. [Mighty Hunter: And she leaves in a huff? And slams the door?] Well, not before Kurt tells her everyone is replaceable, even her. Which, BTW, oh snap! But then, yes: flounce. [Mighty Hunter: She'll be back. Call it a feeling.]

Later, Rachel is called into Sue's office to join the McKinley High Old Maid's Club. One of the women tells her to, "have a seat, boyhips." Sue, clearly trying to make Rachel insecure about being single and push her toward twoo wub with Jesse, encourages the women of the group to share their stories of how they ended up FAT, UGLY AND ALONE because they missed the boat on their true love in high school. Upshoot: go after that forbidden love or you will end up—according to one particularly unattractive club member—making out with your cat and watching Ghost Whisperer. And nobody wants that visual, but thanks to Glee, we gots it.

At Will’s apartment, Emma is setting the table in her delightfully, adorably meticulous way, when Teri walks in. She’s just there to pick up the rest of her Bruckheimer DVDs, and as she picks them up, she sees the Neil Diamond CD is out. When Emma tells her that “Hello Again” is their song now, Teri eagerly bursts her bubble. "Hello Again" was Will’s and her prom song, and if she doesn't believe her, Teri suggests she look it up in that year's Thunderclap.

On Vocal Adrenaline’s stage, Rachel is having a secret rendezvous with Jesse. She expresses her worries that he's just playing her, and he assures her he’s for real. Jesse tells her she only knows Jesse St. James, her competition, but he'd like to introduce her to Jesse, the guy that's nuts about her. And totally fictitious. They make out, as Jesse looks over Rachel's shoulder to where Idina stands in the wings. She gives him a little "atta boy" nod. PREDICTABLE SHOW IS PREDICTABLE.

The following morning, Emma walks into her office where Will is waiting for her. He says that, when he came home the night before, it looked as though a ghost wearing her perfume had set up a really awesome date and suddenly fled. Emma’s holding a yearbook under her arm, and she shows Will that he picked his prom song with Teri as their song. She tells will he's not really over Teri and certainly not ready for a relationship. When he protests, she asks, “how is compromising yourself for my crazy any different than doing it for hers?" A fair point—she is a pretty damn good guidance counselor, that Emma. Perhaps, she adds, by the time Will figures out what he needs, she'll have figured out how to get a little messy. She then asks him to leave so she can close the door and cry.

Rachel tells Finn she has ended her relationship with Jesse, which is of course a lie, and snarks that he may go tell everyone since he's so good at that. Finn apologizes for telling on her and says he wants her back. Rachel demurs, telling him they can’t date because it would cause drama with the glee club  [Mighty Hunter: Doesn't she mean MORE drama?], and they need to focus on regionals. However, Finn says he's not giving up that easy. [Mighty Hunter: Heart of gold. Head of straw.]  

In brand spankin’ new show choir costumes, the club sings The Beatles’ “Hello Goodbye.” I gotta say, I was not really impressed with the music this episode at all. Was that just me? Anyway, it’s clear—when they sing together, anyway—that Rachel still has feelings for Finn. With equally unresolved feelings for each other, Will watches with puppy dog eyes and a sadfaced Emma looks on from the back of the auditorium. 

And then? Then there was this:

[Mighty Hunter: And... No Prince. I feel cheated.] We all were cheated, really. Ryan Murphy, I demand that you get on the horn with Prince's people and offer to endow the city of Minneapolis with the money to build a new Kingdom Hall in exchange for access to Prince's entire catalog.   

Next week: ALL MADONNA. 

Comments

[Suzy Q]

MY cat only lets me make out with her on Tuesdays.

Sue Sylvester doing "Vogue" was the best thing about last night. I agree that the music was...not so good. And, there was too little Puck.

[Bethany]

I wanted to know more about Quinn--where is she living? With Puck?

I felt like there was a lot packed into this episode.

Loved Idina Menzel and can't wait to hear her sing on this!

[Tracy H.]

Maybe I just really missed Glee, but I loved last night's ep. Was not disappointed! I could always use a little more Puck though. Love Britney's one-liners!

[Alyssa]

I too admit I may have had low expectations because I'm just so squealishly thrilled to have Glee back in my life, but I loved it. Kurt's answer to how he answers the phone: "she's dead. This is her son"? I laughed for hours.

I did not like how neatly the twists at the end of the first part of the season were wrapped up at the beginning. I expected to get to watch Sue working a little harder. I also wanted MOAR Kurt, Mercedes, Archie, Tina, Puck and Quinn. I also want Rachel to stop looking like she's in pain when ever she sings. And for them to stop trying to introduce feasible reasons for the kids to start magically breaking into song. Will's lecture to Finn before his Doors song? LAME. This is a musical tv series. We expect random musical outbursts, don't patronize us with your useless little pep talks.

Other than that, LOVE!

[Major Bedhead]

I loved it, but I think I was just so happy it was back on that it didn't matter. And there were some great one-liners in there. Dolphins are gay sharks. Sometimes I forget my middle name. Hysterical.

I did think it felt rushed, though, like they're trying to pack too much into each episode. To me, Glee has a bit of a soap opera thing going on, in addition to all the music; it's ok to let story lines play out over a few episodes.

Sue Sylvester doing Vogue was, quite possibly, one of the best things I've seen on television in a long, long time.

[Sofia]

Is that Jane Lynch singing? 'Cause I'm pretty sure it is. That was awesome.
I, too, was surprised with how good Finn sounded :D Hopefully this bodes well for future episodes :D

[Jessi]

Well, face it: Hello in the song title is the stupidest assignment ever. And when Will fusses at Rachel for NOT BEING SERIOUS because there is what? A Hello song requirement for regionals? Seriously? Why is this necessary?

[Katie]

I have OCD, and I cannot stand the way it's being represented on Glee. Emma would be in a hospital, or at the very least in some serious treatment. The Glee writing staff treats it like a joke. It isn't funny. It's creepy. the world is already misinformed by OCD, and I wish the show would drop it.