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Tiger Woods Paid Rachel Uchitel... What? I Just Threw Up. Twice.

Rachel-unitel It's hard to remember all the women that Tiger defiled, but Rachel Uchitel was the first we would learn about. And while we were learning, back-room discussions were taking place on how much money it would take for Uchitel to keep the affair and all of the freaky things that Tiger loves hush-hush. The whole thing is just so romantic it makes me want to curl up with a Harlequin Romance novel and have a good cry.

Ahhh... hush money. The key ingredient and practically foundation of any budding relationship. It almost makes me completely forget that Tiger likes women to pee on him. I wonder if the confidentiality agreement and the fact he likes women to pee on him are in any way related? Huh. See, these are the things you'll never know because Tiger Woods has paid Rachel Uchitel TEN MILLION DOLLARS to be quiet.

Well, the only thing I have to say about this is, Tiger, I will totally pee on you. Every day if that's what you want, big boy. The great thing is, I do it, anyway. I'm sensing a beautiful relationship here.

It was orignally assumed that the deal with Uchitel was somewhere in the range between 2-5 million, but TMZ sources report the sum is closer to ten (give or take a mill). 

As I've said before, Tiger, you cheating on your wife is your business and her business, not mine. My entire problem with this from the beginning was the sickening "spin" placed on all of this, from the moment we heard the heroic story of you being rescued from your car by your loyal and loving wife (when it was more likely she was beating you with your own 9 iron HAHAHAHAHAHA while you desperately tried to escape in a drug-induced and desperate attempt for survival) to your admitting yourself into celebrity sex addict rehab country club/spa. 

Had the word from your camp been "none of anyone's business" from the beginning, I'd have had infinitely more respect for you than I have at this moment. You are in a machine, Tiger. A disgusting machine. It makes me sad.



Step 1

Denial. "No, no, nothing happened. Crazy talk over here. If anything, we're all heroes."

Step 2

Pay off anyone who knows the truth. Money talks.

Step 3

Uh oh, we can't contain the situation. It's time to blame a disease and check-in to the Four Sea... I mean, "the sick people center. *wink-wink*

Step 4

Say this word for word: "I'd like to apologize to may family for (insert offense). The fact is, I have (insert sickness here - just add "ism" to whatever you did). There is no way for me to undo the hurt I've caused (insert name here or "my family"), but now I'm finally getting the help I so desperately need. That being said, this is a deeply personal matter and I'd appreciate your giving us the space to heal. (Reach over grab wife's hand.)

Step 5

Go yachting for 30 days, everything should be cool.

And why, Tiger? To protect not only your image, but your value. To convince us you are something you're not so that we will buy stuff because we want to be like you. And then when we learn of your dirty secret, you tell us it's not your fault, that denial is a sickness and bla bla bla. Not that you're a liar, but you're diseased. That's not holding yourself responsible.

My problem is with the very defined set of steps used to get celebrities out of trouble... and it works every time, so why fix it what isn't broken? It's up to us to change it. To make it not okay. To turn our backs unless we get real honesty and accountability, not spin, pay-offs and and country club vacations.

Remember, the number one reason that this enormous spin machine is in place? Because we pay the bills. We deserve more from our icons. Not for our dollars, but for our hearts.


MayoPie writes nonsense all of the time on his blog.

« The Greatest Relationship Advice Column in the History of the World By Donald Trump, Celebrity Cheaters Edition | Pop Culture Main | Madonna is a Hypocrite »



I just can't believe that woman is set for life financially for being a whore. Sick. Imagine what that kind of $ could do for helping homeless/sick/refugees/orphans/etc. But now it goes to extensions, purses and waxes. I hate everything.

Suzy Q

It's kind of ironic that the ad under this post is for "How to Survive Cheating."

Does the general public really accept these blatant attempts to get back into their good graces? I never believe these guys.


The "you might also like"'s are pretty good, too. Below a nekkid David Duchovny, we have Frances the Badger and the relatively normal Garner family. Plus, in addition to the "How to survive cheating ad," there's an "Only in Vegas" ad. How delish.

Apryl's Antics

If you don't mind, can we just take turns peeing on Tiger Woods? I'm sure after a while you'll get bored of it and will want back up.


OK anyone else a little freaked out about the Duchovny pic?


Yes, I'll have the tea with a side of penis please.

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