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Clash Of The Titans: What's Kraken, My Brother?

Clash-of-the-titans-poster  Yes, I went and saw Clash of the Titans. It was in a moment of weakness. I pretty much went defiantly before the film and said "Yea, though ye shalt howl and scream, I shall not waver" in my best bad British accent and dared it to try and be as good as I remember the old one being. And YES, I watched the 1982 one prior to going and I understand that monsters who are more closely related to Gumby than to mythological terrors of old are maybe less-than-awesome. But it did have Burgess Meredith. Let's see you top THAT, Sam Worthington. Did he or didn't he? That's what we call a "teaser" in the business.

Now since the original Clash of the Titans, there have been some advances in modern film-making, I'm told. For example, we no longer need to put Harry Hamlin in a tunic. Ever. Instead. we have Ralph Fiennes and Qui-Gon Jinn* doing a fine job of acting below their potential for the sake of some easy money. Not that they didn't do okay, it's just that...well, they had to read off a script that pretty much must have read like Ikea building instructions. This script hung on to common sense so loosely that at any moment, if a kitten on a surfboard had passed through the top of the frame shouting "Meow-a-bunga, Dude!" I barely would have batted an eye. Following the story arc on this pig took the kind of intestinal fortitude one normally reserves for tiny Japanese men at hot dog eating contests. 

They made Liam Neeson really shiny though. I like when my Zeus is shiny.

As for Sam Worthington's artistic vision of Perseus, I think I speak for everyone when I politely ask for him to pick an accent and stick with it. Having a hero from ancient Greece talking like he wants to go on walkabout while skinning a salt water croc and screaming "NOoooorrrr!" like Clair from Lost, is a little disruptive to the suspension of my disbelief. I mean, I'm talking about a movie where blood turns into giant scorpions and a giant Rancor-squid tries to eat a whole city. It shouldn't be to hard to just put the old brain in neutral and be all "What-the-fuck-ever, man. You say that guy is made out of magic and wood...than that guy is made out of magic and wood", but when a guy in a tunic sounds like he's in a commercial for Outback Steakhouse, my mind just goes "Nuh-uh."

Clash-of-the-titans-remake-kraken
This thing was much cooler when it was trying to eat Luke in Jabba's Palace

So uneven acting, bad script...And I really can't emphasize enough how bad it is...shoddy plotline involving characters I don't give a shit about...this movie should suck, right? And yet oddly...I don't think it did. I think that even though the action sequences look like they were filmed inside the belly of a tornado and the fight scenes make the Tilt-A-Whirl look like a ride in a hansom cab, this was practically enjoyable. You have to be able to shut off all knowledge of taste, and aesthetic, and logic in order to enjoy it. But if you can, than you probably will. Like having sex with your best friend's mom, you won't have any desire to discuss it after, but you will probably enjoy it.

*I need to get myself checked for massive exposure to dork radiation or something. I totally spelled "Qui-Gon Jinn" right on the first try without checking. 







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Comments

mamapajama

Booo on Sam Worthington, for getting the electronic owl, Bubo, banned from the the Clash remake. He said it would "degrade the integrity" of the movie to have that "stupid owl" in "my" movie! Booooo on ya, mate!

Txtingmrdarcy

Bubo wasn't banned! He makes a cameo appearance!

I should have said *spoiler alert*. But really. Are spoilers that important with this particular piece of cinema?

I thought not.

AtelierGal

Having been emo the entire day, your post got me roaring with laughter. Nice job with the review :)

Mamapajama

I know Bubo made a cameo, but he was supposed to be in much more of the movie until the movie's "star" made such a stink about it, the producers religated Bubo to a joke of a cameo. Read it in EW.

Jen O.

You spelled Qui-Gon Jinn correct the first try? Nerd.

bella

This. My thoughts exactly. Although I feel like Cloverfield makes more sense now that I've seen Clash of the Titans. They woke up the Kraken!




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