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A Love Letter to Andy Rooney

Andy-rooney  Dear Mr. Rooney,

Can I call you Andy? Will you rant on 60 Minutes for five minutes about how the "kids these days" don't have any respect for their elders? I would love it if you'd rant about me, can we make this happen?


I love you, Andy. I love that you're forty thousand million years old, and pissed off at everything. You come on 60 Minutes right before The Amazing Race, and I never miss your growling, whiny mug every week. But this week you did a piece on The Kids And Their Music These Days and I was literally rolling laughing. Because there is nothing funnier in the world than you, my beloved Andy Rooney, bitching about how you've never heard of Justin Bieber. 

Andy? I know you hate everything made after 1950, and that's grand with me. I hate most things too! I especially hate that small woodland creature Bieber. I don't know if I'll ever forgive Canada for that one. But Andy, my dove, as you sit behind your cluttered desk, (I have a cluttered desk too, Andy! We are meant to be!) and grouse about staplers or something, there is a wonderful quality of joie de vivre that I find irresistible. 

Andy? I hope, and expect, that you will live forever. Someone so curmudgeonly has no right to die, and I'm sure you would host your segment from the great beyond, and it would go something like this:

"You know, I've never been a fan of this 'death' thing, and no one ever asked me, to my knowledge, if I ever wanted to participate in this new-fangled thing called 'dying at 8390 years old,' which I am, I mean, I'm Andy Rooney. I'm a simple man who likes simple things, and being a ghost is just not something I took into consideration when I was born. I wasn't too happy about that either. 

No one has any respect anymore, and you know, all I wanted to do was drink my Ovaltine and lecture the masses about this stapler I had in 1962, and how I couldn't find it. But then after I died, I was hovering above my desk and found my stapler! Fat lot of good it'll do me now. 

Anyway, I guess I can haunt the heck out of Anderson Cooper now, I mean, who goes to the places he goes to and still manages to look so good? I know I looked like a raisin cookie, but that comes from great experience, not like that Cooper fellow who just goes around being handsome, and thumbs his nose at anyone who thinks differently. I guess I was wrong, this whole 'haunting thing' could work out for the best. I can finally find out what the heck a 'Justin Bieber' is and scare him into wetting his Care Bear sheets."

Would it go something like that, Andy, my love? I hope I did you proud. Your raspy grump lulls me into a daze every Sunday, and I love you for it. 

Live forever, my sweet Andy. And never stop complaining. You are a national treasure. 




. . . . .
Miss Banshee has always had a thing for older men.







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Comments

Alyssa

what a douche. I know who Lady Gaga is and I have dozens of Ella Fitzgerald songs on my ipod. What he really meant to say is, "I'm not an average American, I guess... that must mean I'm better."

Suzy Q

This guy takes Cranky to a whole new level. He is the King of Crank!

ljpock

I too like Andy Rooney. There's something about an old cranky man that isn't afraid to embrace his crankiness that is quite entertaining.

Washington "Never Heard Of Her"  Cube

I think he's more on the right track when he says he's not attuned to sound and music, rather than it being an issue of ageism.

A few years ago, our little mixed age group was having a discussing and I mentioned Al Jolson, and one of the teens of the group said, "I've never heard of him." When I explained who he was, she said, "Oh, that's not my generation." I said, "ELIZABETH! That's not MY generation. Generation has nothing to do with it. It's a question of knowing history. I know who Napoleon was, and Cleopatra, and they weren't my generation."

Oddly enough...I stayed up late the other night to watch a Doris Day-James Cagney film on TCM called Love Me Or Leave Me in which Doris portrays a famous singer from 1910-1030 called Ruth Etting. I had never heard of Ruth Etting, but the next day, I went on a goggleathon to learn more about her.

Another aside: A friend emailed from her job today saying for some odd reason she was obsessing over the woman who was the first to commit suicide from the Hollywood sign. We all get into weird fixations. But this is a healthy curiosity about life and history, I think.

I guess what I'm saying is: You can be 13. You can be 80. But both of you can still know who Lady Gaga is. If you want to know. It just depends on where you set your personal parameters.

and a P.S. (and a rather heartbreaking one.) I don't watch 60 Minutes anymore, and I haven't in many years, but when Walter Cronkite died (WHO????) and I saw footage of his funeral service in New York, Andy Rooney got up to eulogize his friend. He started talking about meeting and having a relationship with Walter during WWII when they were both stationed in London. He didn't get very far into the story without totally breaking down and it was hard to witness. He couldn't go on. They led him away from the podium. I don't know why I threw that out there, but I guess to ponder friendship, and longstanding friendships, that when they end, can break your heart.

and another P.S. I was listen to Al Bowlly sing "Red Sails in the Sunset" on You Tube the other night. WHO????

JellyBean

I saw a profile on Cronkite after his death. He & Rooney were close friends and used to take regular walks together. I love Andy Rooney but put him & me in a room with some scissors and I won't be able to resist attacking those eyebrows.

Amy H

I love "Old Man Eyebrows." One time I was on a tour in England and the 900 year old tour guide had the most amazing eyebrows. I think they would have kept rain off his face if he needed them to. I don't remember a thing about that tour but I will never forget those eyebrows.

Also, Andy Rooney cracks me up. He is so angry. I love that about him. I also thought his eulogy to Walter Cronkite was heartbreaking.

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