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Dancing With The Stars Recap: Cha-Cha Chumps

Dancingwiththestars  Dudes, it's a sad, sad thing that absolutely no-one watches the results show, because when Jakey got eliminated last week? He BAWLED like a BABY. Or so my mom told me. I don't watch the results show either. It was hilarious, according to Mom Banshee. Anyway, it's yet another week of DWTS, and we're down to six couples! Let's get this nonsense started, shall we?

Tonight, there's something called the Cha Cha Challenge! And teams! This show is STILL #1 in the ratings! Whatever, let's go, I'm passing out from not caring very much.


Bergeron and Brooke intro, as they do every week, as the couples stompy clomp down the stairs. After the individual dances, there will be two teams that will each dance and get a combined score added to their individual scores. Confused? Me too. Math is hard. 

Erin and Max: Last week Les told Max that he was wasting everyone's time not giving Erin the credit she deserves for being so good. And to keep his damn clothes on. So what do they do instead? They bicker about Max wanting to get naked as a joke and Erin thinking it's stupid. Max stomps out of rehearsal like a widdle baby. Erin drapes herself on the floor and waits for Max to come back and sex her right there in the rehearsal room, which he will, because these two are at it like rabbits, I swear to Jebuddah. 

Quick Step! Whoa, they rip off their clothes to reveal...that is a very pink ensemble Max is wearing. The dance seems more challenging this week, and Erin is REALLY keeping up. In heels no less! I can't even walk a straight line in heels. Anyway, they do SUPER well. And they're very pink. Extremely pink. No one gets nakey, so they did the stripping schtick without actually getting naked. Compromise. Valuable in every relationship. They must have come up with that during makeup sex. Judges?

Len: Makes a balls joke. Len! My goodness. This is prime time television! In non-ball related judging, this is Erin's best dance ever. Woo! Bruno? Other than Erin's tense shoulders, they were incredibly good. Carrie Ann? That was gorgeous. Body contact and communication between the two were stellar. They go up to Brooke, who asks if it was a good idea for Max to take his pants off. There were pants underneath, so Erin wasn't worried. Scores: 9s all around. Next!

Chad and Cheryl. Last week the tango showed that Chad could actually dance instead of clodhopping and groping, which had been his technique before. He's aiming for 10s. Cheryl is tough on him in rehearsal, bringing in a ballroom pro who relates dancing to football for Chad. He REALLY wants the waltz to be perfect. We'll see after...

Commercials! Nine is on dvd and Blu-Ray, and I have a question. WTF is Blu-Ray? I have an eleven year old television and a 10 year old DVD player. I know not of your new technology, I am but a simple cavewoman.

Bergeron yaps, and we don't pay attention, because it's Bergeron and we never pay attention to Bergeron. We go to the waltz! Chad's lighter on his feet, I'll give him that much. This is the first time he looks like a regular dude trying to dance instead of a football player hoofing through a dance. It's not great, but it's really improving. DAMN I'm nice tonight. Someone kick me in the shin or something, I'm losing my snark. 

Bruno can't believe Chad's such a gentle giant. Don't clench your hands, though, all your tension is there. Carrie Ann: There's nothing sexier than a man learning to be tender and graceful. Len? You became a contender tonight. Chad and Cheryl go berserk. Brooke? Happy birthday to Cheryl! What did Chad get her? A MONDO DIAMOND NECKLACE BLING LIKE WHOA. Um, scores? You tell me, I'm blinded by the bling. Carrie Ann 8, Len 9! Bruno 8. Vote, you crazy diamonds!

Commercials! Werther's chocolate and caramel candy goodness. It's been so long since I've had processed sugar or corn syrup I think I would lose my MIND if I got my hands on some candy. Let's find out! It'll be like SCIENCE. Science with CANDY. 

Nicole and Derek are next, and last week Len was way unimpressed. So this week they're doing a very pure waltz. They're dancing to "You Light Up My Life" which is dedicated to Nicole's dear auntie, who has Down's Syndrome and is awesome. Derek's in trouble with Nicole because he never compliments her. That's because you're so GOOD, Nicole! Dance, monkeys!

Ugh, Nicole has those stupid hankies tied to her wrists like she just escaped from some light bondage situation. Ahem. ANYWAY. They're very good and graceful, are you shocked? They're the team to beat, folks. Saying Nicole and Derek danced well is like saying I like cake. It's a "no doy" situation. 

Carrie Ann? You're so good, but you need to not meld into one person. Huh? Len, help us. He makes another sex joke. Len, have you been drinking tonight? Bruno, save me! You made a couple tiny mistakes that were only noticeable because they're so freaking perfect. They'll get their scores after....

Commercials! OH SHIT, Y'ALL IT'S MOTHER'S DAY THIS SUNDAY. I mean, Mom? I totally bought you a card already. And one for my Granny. It's covered. No worries. (Shit, you guys need to REMIND me of these things, c'mon, dudes!) 

Scores? Carrie Ann: 9, Len: 9, Bruno: 9. They were really hoping for tens. Oh well. Oh, and  I'm ASSUMING Nicole is Hawaiian? Because her family leis them after the dance and Derek smells his flowers instead of bitching that they didn't get 10s. He DOES wear a lovely bitchface with that lei, however.

Pammy and Damian! They have to work on technique. So they're getting out of the studio and going to the wildlife center that Pam loves. Shoveling monkey shit is going to help their technique? Okay, whatever floats your implants, dearie. Pam needs to work on her hips, so they tie a scarf around themselves to keep their hips close while they waltz. Sexay! There's a whole bondage theme going on tonight, isn't there? Or is my mind just in the gutter? Don't answer that.


They waltz. I've got to hand it to Pam, for someone with bazongas as huge as hers, she's really not showing them off in these dancing outfits. She's positively demure next to some of the other ladies. (cough ANNA cough) Anyway, they're sweet. Judges?

Len: Quiet, understated, ANOTHER boob joke, whatever, Len's drunk. Bruno? The pure essence of romance. Carrie Ann? Loved the tone, very nice, good good. Everyone's doing vair vair well this week. Brooke? Pam has the acting part down, she needs to work on technique. Scores? 8s all around. They've been in the bottom two TWICE, so vote, dang it all!

Commercials! Every kiss begins with Kay. This Mother's Day, get her jewelry, because she's your MOMMA, THAT'S WHY. (Shit, y'all, I have got to Hallmark up in this bitch for my mama and granny, don't let me forget!)

Last week Niecy and Louis tried to get the yukks by being wacky during the tango, but they ended up in the bottom two. The quick step is HARD. No more goofing off in rehearsal. According to Niecy, they're like a divorced couple who have to get along for the kids. They bicker. It's still funny and I still love her.

Here we go! Wow, they're super graceful and really good. Niecy isn't relying on making it funny, which makes her lighter on her feet, methinks. She looks fab.

Bruno? You never looked more flawless. Carrie Ann? Best dance yet. Light on your feet, dainty, perfect. Len? Lift your ribcage up, very well done. Niecy takes the ribcage comment and makes a boob joke. Jeebus, this entire theme is kink tonight. Or maybe it IS just me. Yipes, it is, isn't it. DON'T ANSWER THAT!

Commercials! The real power of the Home Depot is that it turns grown men into awed children in a toy store. And women into petulant children with bad sensory overload. Plus? It's smelly. Sexist generalizations? Perhaps, but I'm also right.

Scores? Carrie Ann 9! Len? 8! Bruno? 8! Niecy is blitheringly excited. Don't let them be in the bottom two again! Vote!

Last week, Evan and Anna weren't in the top 2 for the first time. All the judges hated it. Evan looks chagrined in rehearsal. The confidence level is way down. The tango has to be sharp, not ballet-like. Anna chatters that the man does not submit to the woman in the tango. It's NOT just me! This show is all kink! Please, let's dance before I embarrass myself and my family with my dirty mind, please.

They tango. Could this be? IS ANNA WEARING CLOTHES? And are they tangoing to "Bust Ya Windows?" What is going ON here? This is like the Twilight Zone. The creepy show, not the trance you go into when Edwaaaaaaaard is onscreen. Anyway, they dance, and it's good. Judges?

Carrie Ann: You have the eye of the tiger! So sexy! Power, control, GRR! Len? You're good on wood. Is this Match Game '76? All the sex jokes! Bruno? You. Were. Outstanding. Brooke? What changed? They had the most fun. Anna? He just listens to me, it's all good. Heh.

Carrie Ann? 10!!!!! Len? 10!!!!! Bruno? 10!!!!! Holy crap, I actually got excited there for a second! But that could be the caffeine. Okay, it's definitely the caffeine. 

Team Gaga against Team Madonna in the Cha Cha Challenge when we come back! Now THAT is a throwdown I can get behind, and I will, after...

Commercials! So the premise of Shrek 3 is like "It's a Wonderful Life" only animated and with Mike Myers and Eddie Murphy collecting paychecks? Oh, and it's in IMax 3-D! Now I REALLY won't be seeing it! Huzzah!

Bergeron intros the Cha Cha Challenge, which will begin with Team Gaga: Nicole and Derek, Pam and Damian, and Chad n' Cheryl. They all goof off in rehearsal. Pam rips an organ or something internal trying a split. Chad's perfect on the field, on the floor? Not so much. They try to get everything in sync and it's a disaster. Let's see if they can pull it off!

They're dancing to "Telephone!!!!!!" Pam's counting the steps with her hand, hee. She's SMOKING. She pulls off the split! Here are Chad and Cheryl. Chad's not as good as he was on the first dance, but he's SO much lighter on his feet. Nicole and Derek blow it UP. The group in-sync stuff is okay, not as sharp as it could be, but it also isn't a trainwreck, which it clearly could have been. They all hug at the end. Damn, that was pretty good. Judges?

Len? Nicole rocked it. Bruno? The end group sequence was great. Chad turned up the heat, as did Pam. Carrie Ann? Chad struggled, but the sexual energy was fantastic. Carrie Ann almost cusses. Watch that potty mouth on live teevee, Carrie Ann!!!!! Over to Brooke. How was working in a group? Great! They just wanted to have fun, they're not worried, they've got "Pow, Wow, and DAMN," according to Chad. Whatever you say, big man. Scores! Carrie Ann? 9! Len? 9! Bruno? 9! Everyone is thrilled. Team Madonna is next. that's Max and Erin, Niecy and Louis and and Evan and Anna . Evan really needs work, as he has NO hip action. Everyone is shilling AT&T as they text each other. Evan whites very whitely as he practices shaking his hips. Oy to the vey. Erin and Max bicker like the couple that they are. A couple of people having sex with each other. A lot. A LOT. OF SEX. 

Commercials! Dear lord. Okay. The Tooth Fairy with The Rock is on dvd if for some reason the level of your drug use has reached such a tragic degree that you would want to watch The Rock in The Tooth Fairy

Oh, and YES, my precious little squirrels, I WILL be spending my summer recapping The Bachelorette. You better come with me in that little adventure. DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE. 

Team Madonna is dancing to "Holiday" and Evan is STILL stiff in the hips. Anna's going bonkers, to make up for it. Niecy is singing, hee! She and Louis are definitely the weakest of the three pairs, I'm very sad to say. Erin and Max blow it UP as the last one on one couple. Sigh. I think this is Niecy's swan song, y'all. And that? Will make me SO sad. Team Madonna? Not as good as Team Gaga, and that's not just because I'm part of Gaga's Little Monsters. 

Judges? Bruno? Something tooooooootally incomprehensible. I rewind. Nope, I got nothing. Carrie Ann? She and Len are arguing and talking so fast! Somebody say something I can understand! This television doesn't have closed captioning! I can't recap jibba jabba!  Len? He thinks everyone should be commended. That means they didn't do as well. Over to Brooke? How did you enjoy this week? Evan thinks they just had a lot of fun. Niecy got to show her jiggly butt! She loved it! Yay! Scores? Carrie Ann? 8! Len? 8! Bruno? 8! That's not surprising, Team Gaga was WAY better. 

As we recap the dancing and Bergeron begs you shamelessly to vote, let me tell you something. Trying to recap Bruno? I rewind and rewind and rewind, people. I try to lip-read. I get reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally close to the teevee. NOTHING HELPS. I think the man is speaking Klingon. 

Tomorrow Train is performing, as is Cirque du Soleil, but you don't care because all of you will be watching Idol. Don't worry, my mama will tell us what happened. Stay tuned for Alyssa Milano's new show because it is because of THAT that this show is only an hour and a half, so it's like a big present from Alyssa to ME. 

See ya next week, cats and kittens! 

. . . . .
Miss Banshee was kicked out of dance class when she was seven years old.

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Fawn Amber

Fantastic recap, as usual. Cannot wait for the Bachelorette - although Ali is already kind of grating on my nerves in the commercials, even. But I can't wait for teh recaps!!! Woot!!!

Now I'm off to Hallmark because DAMN I forgot.

cindy w

I am hoping that Niecy does NOT go away this week, because I love her. I have a feeling that I'll probably stop watching the show after she's gone, because I really just can't get all excited about anyone else.


okay, I'm dissapointed that you did not mention the ... snake thing around Brooke's neck. I realize that's not part of the dancing, but what was it? I was so distracted the whole time! Awesome recap as always.


Another great recap but I am SO SUPER EXCITED for Bachelorette recaps! I may even watch the show!!!

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