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Dancing With the Stars: The Finals! (A Very Zippy Recap)

Dancing-with-the-stars  The two night extravaganza begins tonight, oh joy of joys, so let's git toe-tappin'!

So it's down to Nicole and Derek, Evan and Anna, and Erin and Max, all vying for that preeeeeecious shiny mirrorball trophy. It's pretty bling-tastic, shame that Chad is out of the running. This eppy is only an hour long, so we're recapping in REAL TIME, here, people. Let's put this puppy to bed. I'm too old and tired for this Mickey Mouse shiz, and so are you.  

Over two nights, we're going to see four dances from each couple, and that's a lot of damn dancing, so let's go right to Erin and Max, shall we? 

OH MY, it's Bruno, there to teach them how to samba. He screams a lot about Erin's ass and how her lines are cleaner. Erin has had enough shenanigans and monkey business. She's hardcore into the competition now. 

They samba! Everything is very shaking and shimmying and holy crap, I'd sell a kidney for Erin's abs. I'd sell YOUR kidney for Erin's abs. They schmooze with the judges, shimmying up to them at the end. That was fun. I bet they do that samba to celebrate simultaneous orgasms. WHO SAID THAT?

Len? Demands must be met! Clothes must be kept on! Great improvement from their last samba. Bruno? Hotter than a hot thing. He rambles incoherently in a positive manner. Carrie Ann is pleased too. Scores after...

Commercials! When you're depressed you don't care about birthday parties, biking, or your laundry. Try some Cymbalta and you'll be back to your old laundry-lovin' self in no time! 

Erin and Max's scores: Carrie Ann? 10! Len? 10! Bruno? 9! Max isn't happy with the 9. He's GRUMP-TASTIC at Bruno. Last chance to vote, yadda yadda. 

NEXT! Evan and Anna in rehearsal. And here's Len, to drop some schooling on them. They STILL have no chemistry, because Evan is a robot, dude. With tragic bangs. Please keep slicking your hair back, Evan. 

Waltz time? Snore. And they're dancing to a wretched version of "Piano Man." I'm sorry, but after NPH and Matthew Morrison singing that on Glee last week, everything else pales in comparison, especially the worst wedding band ever. They waltz, and it's nice. They're not going to win, though. Robots don't win DWTS.

Bruno? As good as always, good to see them romantic and sweet. Carrie Ann? Lots of problems with the last waltz, this one was a huge improvement. Len? Overall a wonderful job. Scores after...

Commercials! Ah, Eclipse. You're opening on my birthday, and you're darn tootin' I'll be there with bells on, dragging my companion kicking and screaming. Happy birthday to ME! 

Scores! Carrie Ann 10! Len 9! Bruno 9! Told you they weren't going to win. They're happy with the scores though. Bullshiz. 

NEXT!!!!! The highest score-getters of this or any season, Nicole and Derek. The rhumba was a mess last time, and Carrie Ann's in rehearsal getting them to be emotional and let go. Nicole's gonna live the dance. Fine. Go.


Lady in Red from the worst wedding band ever, and it's especially awful. What is also awful is Nicole's bedsheet - I mean, outfit. She does some insane splits though that would have me in traction. I dunno, it still looks clumsy to me, but Nicole is more relaxed, that's noticeable. 

Judges? Carrie Ann: You needed to get vulnerable, and it worked. Couldn't forgive the lift at the end, though. Automatic point off! Len? Some lovely stuff, occasional lack of confidence. Bruno? Sensuality! Romance! Extreme beauty! Bergeron cuts him off. After the break, of course, will be scores. Damn there are a lot of...

COMMERCIALS! Hey it's George Takei shilling for a fierce teevee that I covet. Hi, George! You're the man AND the diva AT THE SAME TIME. How do you do it, George? I love you!

Scores? This isn't going to be good. Carrie Ann: 9, Len 9, Bruno 10! Curse that lift! 

Okay, we're on to the next dance, let's go! Bergeron, speak to me! It's freestyle time, which can be a blessing or a curse. Time for Erin and Max. 

Max wants to set them apart from the rest of the pack. They're going for a contemporary freestyle, which Max is worried about because it's not his style. It's vair passionate, though, which Max says is "their story." Mmm hmm. Dirty.

Dance, fools! Oh my, there's a bed. And gyrating...and if this isn't proof positive that these two are sexing each other every chance they get, I don't know what is. The technique is clumsy though, lots of tossing around on the bed. So very dirty, these two. 

Len? It was okay, he didn't love it. Bruno? You put your heart and soul into it! Some of the steps were incredible. Carrie Ann loved it, especially because it's out of Max's comfort zone. 

Brooke? That was unlike anything else on the show, ever! Scores! Carrie Ann 9, Len 8, Bruno 9! That sucks! They don't care at this point. 

Evan and Anna! The freestyle is freaking them out. Evan's not scared to take a risk. Anna is a wet blanket. Lots of lifts, it's going to be sloppy, according to Evan. Uh oh. Anna's pissed. PISSED I tell you. "Whatever, it's your freestyle," she snarks. Anna looks HAGGARD. Evan drops rehearsal for skating. Anna sighs. It's all vair dramatic and sobby. 

Commercials! Oooooh, Alice in Wonderland on DVD. Yes please.

Dance, Robot and Sobby! Oh, they brought in a choreographer and everything was fine. Great, just frakkin' dance. AMG, they're dancing to "Footloose" and Evan is wearing tight pants. It's all extremely cheesy, but good for nixing that "Evan's a cyborg" thing. They're still not going to win. 

Judges? Bruno? Footloose or screw loose! Something about a tarantula. Huh? Carrie Ann? That was...odd. Len hated it. Oooooookay then! Brooke? Tough week, tough choreography, how are you? They wanted 100%. 

Scores: 8s all around. Dismal. Evan says they gave it their all, Anna Russians something about Footloose. Whatever, Nicole and Derek and then we're done. I WILL recap the finale tomorrow, so look for that on Wednesday AM. Because I'm a giver.

Commercials! Hey, why don't you stick with ABC for the sodding Bachelorette? I'm recapping THAT, TOO! Tonight is brought to you by massive amounts of caffeine. 

Nicole and Derek wrap up the show with rehearsal footage. Flippy hoppy more flippy, someone's going to get hurt. Hey, did you notice that no one got wicked hurt this season? THERE'S STILL TIME!!!!! 

Dance, my squirrels! Okay, it's very goofy and fast and seriously good. They're in perfect sync. Untiiiiiiiiiiiiil the last lift, which they biff, but they bring it back. It's a pretty klutzy move though at the end of an amazing routine. Carrie Ann? Crazy octopus! Len? I saw fun, entertainment, fantastic. Bruno? Dazzling! You pushed the bar SO high. The slip at the end was no biggie. (It was a biggie.) 

Brooke? She didn't go with the easy out of hip hop. She's pleased and grabs her own boobs. Sure, why not! Scores! Carrie Ann? 9, Len 9, Bruno 9. See, I told you that the biff was a biggie. 

Whatever, we're almost done, see you tomorrow for the finals! And we're DONE with our in-real-time recap! I'm exhausted, but now it's time for The Bachelorette, so keep your eyes open for THAT recap this afternoon! 

I need a NAP, Bergeron. Can America vote to make that happen?

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Apryl's Antics

Holy crap. I'm exhausted. George Tekai is the man. I bet he takes Cymbalta.

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