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Dancing With The Stars Recap: The Semi-Finals

Dancingwiththestars  Well well well, here we are again, with yet another installment of Dancing With the Stars, and it's the semi-finals! Only four couples left, so let's go dancing, cats and kittens! 

Last week, Niecy sadly went home, and we're down to the semi-finals. They're the most important dances yet, and joy of joys, we get two dances tonight. Happily, we ALSO get the final installment of Alyssa Milano's failed show, and you know what that mean, babes. 90 minute show! Hot diggity! 


Bergeron interrupts the applause and says that each of the couples has landed in the top at some point, so it really is anyone's game. Wow, Bergeron, I thought you were going to say something important, but it seems I was, as I often am, completely wrong. 

Erin and Max are first. Max is sweaty and hot, and says that after eight seasons on the show, it's possible for him to win with Erin. Erin is super-focused, as always. They're going to do the Viennese waltz, and I'm sure there will be no sexual tension whatsoever. I mean, why would there be? They've been shagging since week 2. 

Waltzing! As always, they're very good and the waltz is very boring. Len likes it though. Bruno? Fluidity of lines has improved drastically. Carrie Ann loves watching them, but Erin seems nervous and needs to get over it by the second dance. Over to Brooke! Does Max's determination make it easier for her to work? She was crazy nervous. Scores? 9s all around. But they need your votes, yadda yadda. 

Bergeron makes a premature ejaculation joke about Bruno's score-giving. It's gross and I can't believe I told y'all even a hint of that. Please, please, let's throw to...

Commercials! From the author of The Notebook, you can get another craptastic Nicholas Sparks-based movie on DVD and the always elusive (to me) Blu-Ray. I'm sure it's a fantastic bit of technology that I have no clue about. 

Back we are, with Nicole and Derek! Last week she got a perfect score, but Derek is hurt! Oh no! His back is a mess, his neck is worse. It makes rehearsal vair hard. Derek says that no matter what, he'll dance. It's the Argentine Tango, and here were go!

Well, it's not a perfect score dance, that's for one. It seems (for amazing dancers like Nicole and Derek) to be very slow and calculated, and both of them are definitely babying Derek, who seems off his game, but what can I say? They're still the best dancers of the lot, even when they're "off."

Judges? Bruno: Nicole you were like a divine temptress! Carrie Ann? Nicole, you brought me to tears. Oh lord, Carrie Ann is seriously crying. She and Nicole hug. Len, put a stop to this madness. More delicious than his granny's apple pie. Were they watching something else? Because I thought that it was the worst they had done. Shows how much I know about dancing. F-ing whatever. Scores? 10s all around. Wow, I know NOTHING about dancing, do I? What the hell am I doing talking about this show, anyway? We'll ponder my lack of talent as we go to...

Commercials! Toy Story 3! Buy all the merchandise with your Visa Check Card with Mickey Mouse right there on the card! How thrilling! So you hear that, parents? BUY DISNEY PRODUCTS or Buzz Lightyear will laser zap you in the eye. Or something. Buy stuff, that's what commercials are for, and that's why we're here.

Did I mention that this is the second to last show? Because it is. Just one more to go, then it's Bachelorette timez for you and me, my beloved little squirrels. But now! We dance!

Last week Chad and Cheryl were in the bottom two for the first time. He feels like he let Cheryl down. Do you know what I heard on the radio today? That Chad is the new dating show dude on VH1, in the footsteps of Bret Michaels and of course Flavor Flav. I have no idea if this is true or not. But I thought he looooooooooved Cheryl? Whatever, let's waltz.

The waltz continues to be boring and the band continues to suck, but these are not new things, right? Of course not. I know the band works very hard and the dancers work their asses off, but the waltz is still boring and the band is still out of the worst wedding you've ever been to. There's no way to candy-coat it. 

Carrie Ann? Chad just nailed the waltz! Where did that come from? Len: Chad's the only one with no dance experience and he was fantastic. Bruno? Respect. The judges are always so tough on them, and they really brought it this week. Scores after...

Commercials! "Plaque buildup in arteries" makes me so very glad that I'm getting older. Oh the places you'll go! Like the cardiac unit, mostly. Can you tell I have a birthday coming up?

Scores! 9s all around. See, this is getting extremely boring. Everyone is good, everyone needs your votes, everyone's getting 9s and 10s, blah blah blee. I can't pretend to be excited about this anymore. Bring on Evan and Crazy Anna. 

Last week, Evan continued to be stiff and robot-like. No surprise there. Anna's trying to figure out what makes him happy. His nephew and coffee. Evan cracks a smile! Whoa, man. 

Well, it's carrying over to the foxtrot, because Evan's on fiyah! He's jumping and leaping all over the place, really light on his feet, it's goofy and totally adorable. Well done! This of course, coming from me, means exactly nothing. Judges?

Len: We saw a fun side to Evan! Overall it was great. Bruno? Something something incomprehensible totally lost on me and then something about Judy Garland and Mickey Rooney! WHAT? Carrie Ann: They listened to her and they improved. Well that's thinking a little highly of yourself, Carrie Ann. 

Over to Brooke, Evan talks about his nephew, namedrops iPhones, and we're off to the races judging wise. Carrie Ann? 10! Len? 9! Bruno? 10! Oh the palpable excitement. 

Next is the Latin round with solo dancing! Ooooh, that could be TERRIBLE, I can't wait. Huzzah! 

Commercials! The Motorola Backflip. For those of us too poor for iPhones, I guess. Hey, I don't have one of those either! Who wants to buy me a fancy new electronic toy? IS IT YOU? (I didn't think so, carry on.) 

The Latin round! With Star Solos! And Erin and Max are first. We get a montage of awkward, skinny Erin growing up and going to dance class. She's always been a perfectionist. She always wanted to be a sports broadcaster, like her dad. She was only 24 when she signed with ESPN. And then, the stalker came into the picture, and the internet videos. She screamed and screamed when she found out. Being on DWTS is showing her and women everywhere that challenges can be overcome. Well that's nice. On with the passe double. 

Okay, Nicole is wearing this garbage bag that releases into a totally sheer top and hotpants with a cape attached to her ass. It's vair vair classy, except the part where it isn't at all. Whatever, this isn't Dancing With the Classy. Bruno? He curses. It's bleeped out. Yay for censorship! Carrie Ann? Really awesome, great choreography. Len doesn't like the modernness of the dancing. It's too flashy for him. The other judges are horrified at Len. Off for scores. 

Brooke? How was the solo? It was fine, she got the nerves out in the first round. Scores? Carrie Ann? 10! Len 9, Bruno 10! Max isn't happy about the 9 from Len. Max is a grouchy man who whoa! Just took off his shirt for no reason. Such an enigma, that Max. Whatevs, time for...

Commercials! Stern father gives his blessing for a marriage over Folger's coffee. Ah, if only crap coffee had that kind of power for realsies. 

Bergeron prattles uselessly about voting. It's time for Nicole and Derek. Nicole was born in Hawaii, which must have been pretty sweet. There were 14 people living in a little house, (not on the prairie) but there was a lot of joy. She moved to Kentucky when her mom got married when Nicole was 6. she was always a perfectionist. I feel like I'm writing a book report. She's happy she could buy her mom a house back in Hawaii. This is all very touching. Can we get back to the freaking dancing? There's Diddy! For some...reason? Whatever. Let's Cha Cha Cha. 

And we're doing the cha cha to a sad, sad imitation of Prince! Oh good. Blech blech blech, this band, they make the blood spurt out of my ears. The dance is insanely good, but all I can concentrate on is the bloody band and how wretched they are. 

Carrie Ann? You do everything so naturally! Len? The solo section was good, but it was too modern and not the cha cha. She obviously has to be in the finals. Bruno? Nicole is sexylicious! Wow, that was some good criticism, glad I recapped that. 

COOOOOOOMERCIALS! My mother informed me today that I'm not invited to see Sex and the City 2 with her and her office pals. I'll try not to cry too much. Gag.

Scores! Carrie Ann? 10! Len? 9! Bruno? 10! It's Derek's birthday and it's a great night. Did they make Prince proud? I think so, unless we're talking about the band, which is obviously a big fat fail. 

Chad and Cheryl are next. Chad was brought up in a rough area, teachers told him he'd never amount to anything, so when Cheryl tells him he sucks and to do better, he does. He always knew that sports were his way out. He loves his kids and brings them everywhere. I am getting really sick of doing these bios. Anyway, everyone is shocked when he does so well dancing. Everyone is v. v. impressed.

Let's samba! And let's take off Chad's shirt for some reason! Sure, why not? It's very sexy, but Chad's still the weakest out of all the dancers. Let's see what the judges think. Can they keep up at this point? 

Len? Everyone has to take their shirt off when they samba. Bruno? Something positive sounding, but not English. Carrie Ann? It's a joy to watch him dance. Scores? Carrie Ann? 8, Len 8, Bruno 9. OUCH. That's not going to cut it fo' sho. Get voting! 

Commercials! Sarah Polley and Adrien "My Sekrit Husband" Brody in a horror movie? Well, Sarah was awesome in Dawn of the Dead, so count me in for that one. 

Final dance! It's Evan and Anna. Let's get his bio out of the way. He started to skate at age 8, because his granny always wanted to be in the Ice Capades. That is frakkin' adorable. He wanted to quit skating when he hit his awkward stage and grew like, 3 feet taller, all arms and legs, but his mom didn't let him. His biggest flaw is how crazy shy he is. He's wicked driven though. 

Oh man, they're passe double-ing to Evanescence. What ever happened to them? Evan solos in a - dare I say it? Really sexy way. I KNOW! Weirdness. I don't know what to make of that. 

Bruno: Screams. Did he just say Evan has balls? Carrie Ann loved it and is shrieking and falling out of her dress. Len? Save us. Evan was fantastic. Well I can't disagree with that. Brooke? How do they feel? Evan wanted to give his all to Anna. Scores? 10s all around. Yippee! Okay, we're out of time, so next week? You, me, DWTS finals? BE THERE OR BE SQUARE, YO. 

PS: My mom wanted to let everyone know she disapproves wholeheartedly with Brooke's dominatrix outfit. Duly noted, mom. 

. . . . .
Miss Banshee kinda loved the dominatrix outfit.

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Suzy Q

The only bad thing about this show ending is the end of your recaps.

BTW, it's "paso doble" but I kind of like passe double better. It has a deeper meaning.

Also, I would smack the CRAP out of anyone who went to my father to ask permission to marry me, a la the Folger's commercial. Of course, that person would have to break into my sister's house (she's armed!) and talk to a box of ashes, but still.


just allow me to say that Nicole and Derek? HOT.

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