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Dancing With The Stars Recap: The WINNAH!

Dancingwiththestars  You guys, we did it. We survived this bloody show. I'm nevah recapping it again, so let's go out with a bang, shall we?

Of course, there is a problem immediately. Since I don't usually recap this, and because Tuesdays are CHOCK FULL OF MY OTHER DAMN SHOWS (Glee, Parenthood) I didn't notice that my DVR totally cut out for the 10-10:30 half hour of the show. So we're gonna piece this puppy together, have some pity on me, I have to recap Kate Gosselin again, for God's sack. 

Okay. So four bloody months ago, we started this nonsense. (There is a lot, I mean, a LOT of filler here, but we're concentrating on Nicole/Derek, Erin/Max, and Evan/Anna, because they're the only foolios that still matter here.) I have a feeling my Fast Forward button will get quite a workout tonight. Bergeron, let's get this party started. 


Oh lord, we've got EVERYONE back, except poor Chad, who got hurt in football practice and won't be dancing. Aw, I bet he's bummed. 

Bergeron and Brooke tell us that there will be two dances tonight for our finalists, and then a winnah will be crowned. Let's start with Nicole and Derek. They recap their dances and congratulate themselves, and then pretend they're worried about winning. Whatever, they're doing the tango. Let's dance.

It's ah-mazingly good. The lines are sharp and clean, they're in perfect sync with each other, I mean, just give them the mirrorball now, they're going to win. What do the judges think? 

Len? Intensity, passion, artistry, precise, this IS Argentine dance. Bruno? The magic  continues! He's standing in his chair again. He's going to get hurt one of these days. Carrie Ann? Artistry in motion. No scores, just ranking 1-3 this time. We'll be back after...

Commercials! I must try red velvet cake yogurt. It sounds like it could be effing foul, but I'll take that bullet in case it's awesome. I'm a giver like that. 

So Evan and Crazy Anna are next, and they totally biffed their "Footloose" freestyle. Anna cries backstage. What's their favorite dance? It's the tango as well. They got a perfect score on it. They watch their performance and critique. They want the top place, dammit. So dance, Robot and Sobby! 

BAHAHAHAAHHA! They're tango-ing to "Bust Ya Windows" and that will never stop being funny. They're good, they're totally improved, but they can't touch Nicole and Derek. Sorry, Robot and Sobby! Hope you are content with second or third place. Judges?

Bruno: You dance like a ladykiller! Slick and stylish. That's the way to do it. Carrie Ann? It's getting exciting! True redemption from last night. Len? This is the most fantastic season yet. The highest standards. Don't try this at home. Fantastic. 

Erin and Max were hott in the samba, and their sex act, I mean, freestyle, was fab. They're ALSO doing the tango, and they bicker in rehearsals, because Erin can't stop with the perfection freakout. Erin's worried about EVAN, and Max doesn't know why. Neither do I. Max? Is sick, tired, beat up, and done. I guess the romance is gone? No no no! Say it ain't so! They'll dance after...

Commercials! Ashton Kutcher seems like a cool dude, and I dig his marriage, but I've never seen any of his goof-tastic movies, and I don't plan on starting with the one with Katherine "Temper Tantrum" Heigl. 

Here go Erin and Max. Their lines aren't as sharp, the jump off the stairs that lands Erin's crotch in Max's face, although nothing new to them (ZING!) almost shatters Max's spine. Wow, I thought they'd be in second place, but now I'm thinking not so much. I'm wicked unimpressed. Judges?

Carrie Ann? You're amazing, you're making this rilly hard to judge. Len? This tango is the hardest thing ever to judge. Max snarks that they should try dancing it. Bruno's up and screaming! Something about improving that I can't decipher. Oh! Technique! It's vastly improved. That's what he said! I'm a-translatin' Bruno! I'VE grown through this season too! Huzzah! Wait, this recap, shockingly, isn't about me. Brooke?

Would they all have chosen the same dance again? Totes. It's time for ranking. Third place? Erin and Max! Second Place? Evan and Anna, First (duh) Place: Nicole and Derek, to the surprise of exacty no one, including my dead granny. 

Next? Shannon, Aiden and Buzz will dance next. I'm fast forwarding that shit, especially after seeing the sequin nightmare they're wedged on Buzz Aldrin, American hero. Gah.

Commercials! Despicable Me looks freaking awesome. I love it already, especially the Twinkie-looking minions. Whatever, I'm 6 at heart. 

So Shannen, Aiden, and Buzz all dance, and they're fine, and Buzz doesn't hurt himself. That's all we really need to know, isn't it?

Commercials are better. Even when it's a Mickey D's spot for Shrek merchandise. Trust me, it's better.

Oh god, we're recapping the whole season? OH MY GOD, the production number is to "On The Wings of Love" from the effing BACHELOR! See, I cannot escape Jakey and that sodding song, and the show's been off forever. 

We then recap the best fights of the season. There's Nicole, tantrumming, there's Aiden, getting his feelings hurt like a little baby, there's Jakey being a beetch, Max and Erin screaming at each other, and of course, Kate G wins the title of best fight by...being Kate Gosselin. Shocker there. 

More filler. We visit with the past seasons' contestants in the audience. Filler, filler, filler. When we come back, the first elimination, thank Jebuddah. 

Commercials! I am so freaking sick of Sex and the Freaking City that I don't even know any more jokes to make about it. That's how sick of it I am and the stupid movie isn't even open yet. GAH!

Okay, votes from last night tied in with the judges' rankings will eliminate someone. And the third place couple IS!!!! Erin and Max. Someone (Max) swears into someone else's mic. (Max.) Erin knew she was going to lose, she's gotten her life back after the stalker shiz, and that's what matters. Bergeron calls out Max to say that this season and this partner have been different and special. Kids, you can still have sex, yo. It's okay. You just don't get the trophy. All is well for the 14 remaining minutes of your relationship. 

So we're down to the final two. Does anyone really think Evan's going to win? Maybe it's been programmed into his motherboard that he's going to win. That's sad. Don't fool the robot boy! That's as sad as A.I

Commercials! Wipeout's back, everyone who loves the pain of others. And isn't that all of us, in one way or another? 

Evan and Anna are going to do the quick step, and Nicole and Derek are going to just have fun to "Proud Mary."

Now we REALLY get the filler with college dancers, which I will not be recapping for several reasons, the biggest one being that my DVR cut out and I CAN'T!!!!!!

So we're back half an hour later, and it's STILL FILLER!!!! So we didn't miss anything, other than Kate G scowling through another dance, so who cares?  Pammy is back now, doing what boils down to a group sex act. It's certainly nothing new. Niecy's back, shaking her jiggly bits as the band tells us that we're not ready for her jelly. It's adorbs. 

The stars who have been eliminated give their predictions for who is going to win. Evan! Nicole! Evan! Nicole! OH THE SUSPENSE as we blessedly go to:

Commercials! Marshalls and TJ Maxx are the bomb. Why anyone would pay full price is beyond me, but then again, I'm wicked poor, so it's not like I have a choice, is it?

Here we go! Nicole and Derek attack every dance like it's their last. Evan and Anna are supreme athletes. WHO WILL IT BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE? More filler. This time it's Nicole and Derek lovin' on each other and Nicole learning not to be such a perfectionist, and that's what the show has taught her. The clips of the judges all say she's the best dancer they've ever seen on the show. It's Derek's fave season ever. They wuv each other and hug it out. 

Jive time! Nicole and Derek SMOKE the jive, dude, even though Nicole's hair is stuck in her makeup something fierce. They shimmy to "Proud Mary" in a way that would make Tina Turner, well, proud. Excellent work. Judges?

Len: There can only be one winner, and it should be Nicole. Bruno? This has been the best season ever, and these two have been stunning. Crowning glory! Carrie Ann? You're incredible, Nicole. Carrie Ann's practically in tears. Brooke?

Final dance! Nicole is "so flipping happy!" Good on Nicole for not cussing on live teevee (MAX) they get all 10s from the judges. No surprise there. 

Commercials. The new-fangled cars these days have push-button technology. I have windows you have to roll down by hand in my Kia. aren't you jealous? 

Evan and Anna are next, and we're ALMOST DONE. We go to filler focusing on them. Evan's been doing Stars on Ice the WHOLE TIME he's been doing this show. Whoa, dude. I need a nap just thinking about that. Anna sobs that she'll never have another partner like Evan. 

Quickstep! And they're doing it to Cheap Trick!!!! Aw, I can't hear this song without thinking of Ten Things I Hate About You, which makes me think of Heath Ledger, and oh yeah, the dance. It's great! It's flawless. It's not going to win. Judges?

Bruno: You're SO improved, Evan! Carrie Ann? You have won the hearts of everyone here! Len? You've been a joy to watch. Elegance, style, fantastic. Brooke?

After ten weeks and 17 dances, Evan wants to do it all over again. He's bonded to Anna like whoa. Scores! Carrie Ann? 10! Len? 9! And Bruno! 9! Ladeeeez and jellyspoons, your second place winnahs. 

Commercials. I'm tired. 

And we give the mirrorball trophy to...Nicole and Derek, of course. No one is shocked, but Nicole puts a nice game face on. See?


Thanks so much for sticking with me on this one, guys. See you over at The Bachelorette

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Still. So. Mad. About. This.

She's a professional singer/dancer. It's her JOB. How was that fair? HOW?

/end old lady grumbling.


PS: Please don't say this is your last DWTS recap *EVER.* SNIFF.


"Robot and Sobby"
BWHAHAHAHAH! It's funny because that shit is spot on.

Heidi T

I know you didn't recap the parts with the people who came back and danced, but Buzz Aldrin dancing to The Imperial March in a bedazzled space suit and Jake and Vienna doing the seriously most awkward dance I have ever seen were the highlights of the night for me.

shannon r

I don't have a problem with a "star" having prior dance experience.

What I'm miffed about (does anyone still use that word? miffed?) is the blatant underscoring of Evan and Anna's last dance. I know I'm not a ballroom dancing judge, but there was NOTHING wrong with Evan & Anna's quickstep. It was obvious the judges knew what scores to give in order to ensure Nicole and Derek as the winner.

I really don't like the idea of having the couples dance on the results show for judges scores. If they dance, then the audience should have the opportunity to vote for those dances.

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