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Kids Do The Hills Better Than The Hills Does The Hills

The-Hills-2010 So I watch The Hills.  SO WHAT?  It's not like I'm proud of it or anything.  It's not like I like the show so much that I followed one of it's spawn across the country and now also watch them every week in The City.  SO WHAT if I did?  It's for research, is what it is.  Yes.  And this research has shown me that The Hills is a really, really stupid show.

And because I'm such an expert on The Hills, I can tell you with much certainty that the "cast" are all infants.  Temper tantrum-having, delusional, toddlers with no boundaries and loosey-goosey morals.  That sounds incredibly judgemental, but hey.  They put themselves on tv and act like my four year-old, of course I'm going to send them to time out, where their crime is being douchy and their punishment is being chastised for their douchiness.

Heidi-Montag-Spencer-Pratt

ANYWASTEOFTIME.

There is a group of kids who have "done The Hills".  And you know what?  It is SPOT ON.  Actually, better than spot on.  These children, who can barely speak English yet, fit more information and action and entertainment into two minutes and 55 seconds than the real "cast" does in a half an hour (or 20-odd minutes plus commercials). The real show follows this standard layout:

Thumpy music

Sweeping shot of the shore

Different thumpy music (I almost said 'humpy music'...heh...)

Sweeping shot of some stupid restaurant

Two sentences with a lot of staring off into the distance and/or scowling

More different thumpy music (God, so much with the thumpy music)

Some stupid night club

Two more sentences with more eyeballing

Thumpy music

The End.

There are, what, eight main characters?  And they feel like we, as viewers, can't remember these eight people's names from week to week.  WAIT.  From scene to scene.  Their names and relationship to someone else in the show.  It's all so confusing, MTV.  So glad you're here to keep it all straight.

It's moronic, really.  I shake my head at the show.  Shake my head and wonder how this kind of stuff has warranted an entire five seasons of television.  I'm pretty sure they could have shoved everything into two or three episodes and called it a week.  But, then, I watch.  I watch and I judge and I enjoy.  Makes me feel better about myself.

This bunch of toddlers got the show exactly correct.  A whole lot of unnecessary drama (I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH), a bunch of inter-group dating amongst all the Slutty McSluttertons (male and female), and me completely confused as to where these people get all their money, because there isn't a real job anywhere to be seen.  And at least these kids are cute while acting like airheads.  Wait.  At least these kids are ACTING like airheads.  For the "cast", that trait comes naturally.

Spencer: Horrible Person

Heidi: Plastic

I like it.

Watch.

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. . . . .
Jen O. has really worked up a thirst for some Guid-O-Juice after Fist Pumpin' For Love all morning.






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Comments

Sarah Lena

THIS MADE ME LAUGH SO HARD. Audrina staring at the ceiling did me in. Also, I have a hard time not loving this show. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?




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