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Parenting Lindsay Lohan [Celebrity Kids Gone Bad]

Lindsay-Lohan-Rolex-Thief Hey, it's Tuesday!  Guess what time it is?  That's right, it's that time for a series I just made up in my head: Celebrity Kids Gone Bad, wherein we play the hypothetical game.

What would you do if you woke up tomorrow morning and BAM!  You're suddenly Lindsay Lohan's parent?

Lindsay Lohan has her share of shortcomings.  And mine and yours and an entire amphitheater of people's shortcomings, but unless you're Lindsay or Dina "ShoeHan" Lohan, you don't know what it's like to parent such a beastly, terrible, child gone horribly, horribly wrong. We've spent a decade watching her grow up; first she was an apple cheeked tween starring in kid-friendly movies and now, though it seems but a day has passed, she's starring in her own "Fully Loaded" series, only Herbie is nowhere to be found. 

Let's take a stroll through the life of Ms. Lohan in photos, shall we?

She went from this:


to this:


to this:


to this:


to this:


to present:


Child stars are unique in that they inherently grow up in the spotlight and every move they make is, potentially, caught on camera.  On one hand I feel bad for child stars; on the other, there are plenty of child actors who are able to keep their lives private and out of the lens of the paparazzi.  They have access to money and means to keep their lives their own, and in this vein, Lindsay chooses to make her escapades public.  I can't feel sorry for her claims of paparazzi following her against her wishes and I can't take her tweets seriously about being frustrated with the media because she has given and continues to give media fodder, which keeps the tabloid cycle on an endless loop. 

Recently she tweeted:

Lindsay-lohan-tweet-bitch-please Bitch, please.  She is currently partying her arse off in Cannes, basically thumbing her nose at the courts, which have mandated she complete several alcohol abuse classes or face jail time. 

But where have her parents been?  She's of legal age, but this bitch has been partying her ass off since before she was an adult.  Her father tweets incessantly and calls a press conference about Lindsay whenever he feels an itch for some publicity and her mother seems to want to be her best friend, glosses over Lindsay's activities and situations by saying "all kids do this."  No.  All kids don't do this.  I was a kid and I was never a meth-abusing (allegedly!) Oompa Loompa faced drunken mess. 

So, knowing Lindsay's history (as I'm sure you do since there's always something new), what would you do if you woke up tomorrow morning as Lindsay's parent?  Is there a way to stop the madness?  Calm her down?  Do you think she's past the point of intervention?  Could Candy Finnegan come in and work her magic and get Lindsay to sober up for good?  How would you stop this trainwreck?

Or is it that she's a lost cause now?

What do you think, parents and non-parents?  What would you do? 

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Half Assed Kitchen

She needs to be locked in a room with nothing but cotton candy and looping broadcasts of Team Umizoomi so she can get her childhood back.


For starters, I wouldn't allow my other children to visit her or be in her care.


Do we wake up as ourselves, but her parents, or do we wake up as Michael and Dina? *shudder*

Apryl's Antics

I would call Superman and ask if he could do that thing where he flew really fast around the Earth in the opposite direction to make time go backwards and stop at when Lindsay was about to go on her first audition and say "Fuck this. We're going out for ice cream instead."

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