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Prince of Persia is [Adjective]

Jake-prince-of-persia  I took the kids to go see The Prince of Persia this weekend as a further extension of the anger I feel about how they stole my life, and to say the movie was generic is to say [generic analogy].

 The movie, I think, is supposed to be a summer blockbuster. I can tell because there are lots of swarthy, dirty men with swords running around without shirts on, trying to stab each other. Also it has slow motion snakes. Slow motion snakes are what summer blockbusters are all about. It's just science. And there is a lot of insipid dialog that makes me wonder if maybe the writers grew up in a shed chained to something, because humans don't actually speak to each other that way. But who cares? I'm not here for the talking. Let's make with the parkour and the arrow near-misses, and the princess with the big cans who is written like they want her to seem sassy and strong, but since writers don't know women at all, she comes off as bitchy and then demure. Summer blockbuster women only work that way though. Again...It's just science.

It was about this time in the movie, just after the appearance of Princess Sassytits, that my 10 year old leaned in and said 'This is like Lord of the Rings! Only shorter!" and that thrilled him because it meant we wouldn't be sitting in the theater for 10 hours and could get back home to play Wizard 101 or whatever. And my 15 year old said "Hey! This is like Transformers. Only without the robots!" and I think that analogy is a lot more accurate because in it, there's a thing that the bad guys want that will destroy the world and they send everyone evil ever after it, but the plucky hero, with the help of someone with big boobs who will fall in love with him later, evades them and saves the world from [whatever]. 


He's totally looking at her cans. Also? I question his Persian heritage

Perhaps it's more like Lost, only shorter and without all the tedious thinking and sub-plot...or main plot. I guess what I'm really trying to say is everyone runs around a lot for reasons that only tangentially make sense other than to move the story forward. "Hey let's go to the snowy mountains because [something]" and then "Hey let's got to the rocky crags because [another something]" and finally "hey let's go to the bluffs overlooking the desert so we can [something, and then have a dramatic back-lit kiss over the wide desert vista as the sun sets]". I didn't really need to pay 40 bucks plus popcorn to see a bunch of people I don't care about run around and then fall in love. I could've just bought a couple of hits of Ecstasy and then spiked the punch at the senior center for a lot less.

Also, I'm not sure from where in the Middle East any of the actors hail, but let me be the first to express my surprise to learn that not only is an English-speaking sector, but also that apparently it was at one point a colony of the British empire, because they all had THAT accent. Weird. And I know what you're thinking. "That's why it's called acting." but seriously...they couldn't find ONE person of Middle Eastern descent to act in this movie? Maybe they were all busy being harassed in customs and missed the audition.

So we left the theater feeling nothing more than a few hours older and still with no earthly clue how to spell "Gyllenhaal" and wondering if it is part of Jerry Bruckheimer's master plan to make movies so ridiculously pointless that by going to them you get smarter from thinking about other things. Seriously. When was the last time I had two quiet hours to just sit and think. I mean, sure...there were slow-motion snakes...but without a plot that needed any sort of attention to follow I was able to undertake deeper, more intellectual pursuits. Like how to make a bra that you can unhook WITH YOUR MIND.

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Jen O.

I literally have no desire to see this movie. Not even if it was free. Not even if it was free and I got some free nachos and a hunky man-date to sit beside me and oogle during the show. Not even it was free + nachos + man-date + it had a million previews, which are usually the best part of any movie-going experience. Not even then.

Rob O.

Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay, McG - they're all from the "bombs, boobs, and well, what else matters?" school of moviemaking. I didn't piffle away a single cent on Transformers 1 or 2 (although I did see the first one as an in-flight movie but dangit, the 'fasten seatbelt' light was lit, so what could I do?) and I won't be wasting any money on this junk either.

I'm with you - if audiences aren't capable to handling that Persian citizens would look like, well, Arabic people, then why bother making the movie? It's supposed to be about Persians in some vague sense, right? And if they're not gonna give a hooey about getting the appearance or accent somewhat correct, why bother making anything else about the movie geographically-correct? Just call it "Prince of Burbank" and be done with it.

Of course, I'm also the antaginistic jerk who is always reminding friends & family that Jesus would NOT have looked like a Doobie Brother...


"Jesus would NOT have looked like a Doobie Brother..."

I am so stealing that line.

I am also pretty sure He wouldn't have spoken with a British accent either. Could be wrong here, but the Crusades came much much later, right?

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