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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Hairless Cats Edition

Real-housewives-of-new-jersey-season-2The more deeply into Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 2 we plunge, the more odd a dichotomy it becomes. On the one hand, as a record of trash culture, it's at once fascinating and kind of horribly wonderful. On the other hand... as an on-screen example of parenting in motion, it's a far more uncomfortable experience.

To bring you up to speed from last week - and let's be clear: if you're not watching this show, you're depriving yourself of something as spiritually and intellectually nourishing as... um... I don't know. Church? Public service? Teaching Yankees fans how to read? - I've decided that the Housewives' real names are too confusing to keep straight. Subsequently (and this is mildly adapted from last week, per the helpful input of both MamaPop's readers and the voices in my head) please be aware that Teresa = PuffyChucky, Caroline = Sharon Osbourne, Jacqueline = Mom, Dina = Captain Zentastic, and of course... Danielle = PROSTITUTIONWHORE!

Got it? Good. Now pick up your No. 2 pencils... and let the recapping begin.

• Hi, Mom! Whatcha doin? Playing in the basement with her kids, of course. She appears to be affectionate, involved and engaged in her children's lives. Therefore, she is clearly out of place in this show and should leave, because all screen time devoted to her could be better dedicated to, say, PROSTITUTIONWHORE!

• Speaking of whom... Mom sends flowers to PROSTITUTIONWHORE's! daughter to congratulate her on her modeling success. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! reacts by ignoring the celebration of her daughter's success and focusing instead on how the flowers make her feel. She chooses to respond by calling and leaving Mom a voicemail saying thanks. Which Mom screens and ignores because her husband Chris (reminder: this is the season of Chris Taking No Crap From Anyone) has told her PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is a bad influence on their lives.

Can we pause here for an aside? Thank you. Look: I'm married, so I'm well aware that any husband dropping a "you can't be friends with her" ultimatum on his wife is basically gambling with his life. That said... he's not wrong: PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is about as toxic as they come. My point? I have no idea. Back to the show.

Of course, one call isn't enough to satisfy the ego and drama-seeking of our pal PROSTITUTIONWHORE!... so she calls Mom's cell and proceeds to respond to the congratulatory bouquet by bitching her out for not being a friend. You know the Golden Girls theme song? This is the opposite of that. Thank you for not being a friend. Traveling down the road and back again. Your heart is warped; you're a freak and a psychopath.

• Um... does anyone else have the feeling that things are starting to go horribly wrong with this show? PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is going so far around the bend it feels like she's almost beyond mockery, and instead is starting to become a figure worthy of pity.

I don't think I want to live in a world where I can't feel good about making fun of PROSTITUTIONWHORE!

• Thank god... PuffyChucky (the artist formerly known as HalfAForehead) shows up - she's about a million months pregnant, btw - at Captain Zentastic's house. Bravo briefly cuts away to a shot of one of Zentastic's hairless cats staring at the two of them, unblinking. It's terrifying.

(There's a joke about hairless cats waiting to be made here.)

(But not by me.)

• PuffyChucky on PROSTITUTIONWHORE! "She's evil." This may be the smartest thing she's ever said.

• Mom meets with Sharon Osbourne, who asks the million dollar question: "Did PROSTITUTIONWHORE! ever acknowledge the birth of your young song?" Mom hems and haws... and then realizes that her alleged great friend PROSTITUTIONWHORE! never sent a card, a balloon, a note, a voicemail, anything to congratulate her on this event, despite knowing all that Mom had gone through trying to have another kid.

• Congrats to Mom: you've just figured out that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is toxic. Welcome to the select group I like to call "the rest of humankind."

• Back to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! who's talking to her older daughter about her modeling gig and upcoming Fashion Week thing, and who then turns to her younger daughter and says, "You're next!" Apparently she intends this as something other than a threat.

• PuffyChucky takes her daughters shopping. They're all spoiled rotten, and destroy the store, and then the to-be-in-Fashion-Week model daughter starts throwing out her modeling poses and... Creep Factor: 2500. I'm having all kinds of viciously uncomfortable Jon-Benet Ramsey flashbacks, and the whole thing just feels dirty and gross. Meanwhile, PuffyChucky blows two grand on kid clothes without batting a (huge fake) eyelash.

• Captain Zentastic meets with her Zen friend who's clearly very spiritual because she wearing lots of big chunky jewelry and looks vaguely funky. The Zen pals recommends that Zentastic have an in-person talk with PROSTITUTIONWHORE! about the fact that she doesn't want to be friends anymore, which seems patently insane and stupid to me, but given the fact that I don't wear big chunky jewelry I can only presume that means I don't understand the deep feminine strategies involved. Damn my penis.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! meets with her realtor, and bemoans the fact that if she sells her house she'll be left with well under a million dollars. She's looking for sympathy; meanwhile, I'm kind of hoping one of the Bravo cameramen gets fed up and throws something at her head.

• PuffyChucky lets us know that she and husband Joe have sex every day. Sometimes twice.

• Did I just die? A little bit. I'm pretty sure I just died a little bit.

• Aaaaaaaaand it's time for Fashion Week. PuffyChucky and Joe are driving into the city with spoiled daughter Gia. Joe starts teasing her... she starts crying... he keeps teasing her... she keeps crying... and then he gets pissed off that she doesn't like it when her feelings get hurt when he keeps calling her ugly, so he starts getting even meaner. Joe appears to be the dark horse in this week's "Worst Parent on Real Housewives of NJ," although the lead still belongs to...

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, who takes her daugher into the city to prep for Fashion Week. The daughter is having some trouble getting down the catwalk strut, and PROSTITUTIONWHORE! instantly devolves into a super-catty, competitive bitch beneath a thin "supportive mom" guise. I want to fucking strangle her. Does that make me a bad person? I don't think I've ever wanted to strangle a reality TV person before, but PROSTITUTIONWHORE? Your parenting skillz are pissing me off to an unprecedented level.

• It's at this point that it dawns on me: this show is fun when it's just obnoxious rich New Jersey women being bitchy and funny and awful to each other. When we start getting lots of coverage of their kids, and we see how their on-screen insanity translates into what we can only imagine must be a truly difficult life for those children? It stops being fun, and we start feeling sad for the kids.

Dear Bravo: STOP MAKING US FEEL BAD FOR THE KIDS. FEELING BAD FOR KIDS ≠ FUN.

Love, MamaPop.

• Back to Cap'n Zentastic, whose New Age friend is going to burn some incense to... um... I'm not sure what's going on here, but the house is crawling with those demonic hairless cats and frankly I'm a little freaked out by the whole thing. Somewhere during the course of this show we've left New Jersey and entered Hell.

• Real Housewives of Hell would probably be pretty badass. Just sayin'.

• Backstage at Fashion Week! PuffyChucky's daughter is still upset over her dickhead father being mean. PuffyChucky, to her credit, tells her that her dad is irrelevant and to just do her thing and have fun. Which she does.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! shows up at Fashion Week with her daughters. Her eldest starts feeling a little more confident, which is nice to see. Once again, I'm marveling at how smart and together these daughters are, despite the burden of having been raised by a raving lunatic.

• PuffyChucky's daughter successfully completes her fashion walk. Joe, to his credit, is beaming with pride. PuffyChucky is ready to explode, both figuratively and literally.

• Then... Christine (she's earned a right to her own name, at this point) gets ready for her Fashion Week walk. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! can't stop talking about how jealous the other housewives must be. HATEHATEHATE her. "I think if I'd been given the same opportunity my daughters have been given, I think my life would have turned out a lot differently." Of course. It's all about you, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! It's all about you.

• Unfortunately, Christine then comes within - oh, 30 seconds? - of puking on-stage during the post-walk pose-off on the catwalk. Looks like eating all those raw oysters right before the show might not have been such a good idea.

• Aaaaand... that's a wrap. Next week? PuffyChucky has a kid while Joe hopes he doesn't throw up the hamburger he just ate. Such is the miracle of life.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Alright, people. Question time. If you could kill any member of this cast with a harpoon, why would it be PROSTITUTIONWHORE? This question is worth 20 extra credit points. Actually arranging to kill her with a harpoon is worth 40 extra credit points.


. . . . .
TwoBusy is still not going to make that hairless cat joke. Not gonna happen.






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Comments

fridita (just a grrl)

You know...after careful consideration, I think I would I would kill PROSTITUTIONWHORE! I would kill her JUST FOR BEING A PROSTITUTIONWHORE! Arrangements could be made. It's a dangerous world. I am of Sicilian descent & have cousins back in the old country who...No. Nothing. There is no mafia. It's just something made up for books & movies. I would kill PROSTITUTIONWHORE! myself with an overturned table. A really big table.

KBO

One, this recap rules. I'm not going to bother reading anyone else's.

Two, Danielle and Teresa are the worst parent either. Both so delusional and terrible. Oddly, point to Danielle, as her daughters seems perfectly lovely while Teresa's daughters seem destined for terrible, spoiled, entitled mean-girlness.

Speaking of, Christine is gorgeous. I wonder if that's all from dad, or if Danielle might have looked good now if she hadn't partied her brains out and then had plastic surgery to make her look like a bad drag queen.

tonya

I would kill her for talking on the phone like it's a walkie talkie.

Cheryl

Hey KBO, I thought I was beginning to understand the story line and now you've gone and added new names to the pile. Eek!

I have connections in the harpoon industry. I'll get back to you on the when and where.

TwoBusy

@Fridita EXCELLENT answer.

@KBO Thank you kindly, and yes -- I think you're right on all counts. Danielle's daughters (despite their train wreck of a mom) are both beautiful and preternaturally mature, while Teresa's daughters are basically doomed to become Real Housewives of NJ: The Next Generation.

@Tonya Also a viable reason for killing PROSTITUTIONWHORE!

@Cheryl Dude, if you can hook me up with harpoons (and not just the tasty beer kind)... damn, I'm getting all excited just thinking about it.




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