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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Ed Hardy T-Shirt Baby Edition

Danielle-Real-Housewives-of-New-JerseyCan we all agree that the "real" in Real Housewives of New Jersey, Season 2 is an entirely subjective term?

Not to intimate that they're engaging in fictional scenarios, because each week they're validating the whole "truth is stranger than fiction" thing, but can we agree that Surreal Housewives of New Jersey would be a far more accurate title?

Objections?

The motion carries.

On that note - and with a helpful reminder to check here to catch up on all the family-friendly action of last week's episode - let's share the wonder, the majesty, the deeply-felt emotion and, above all, the gracious manners and etiquette that only New Jersey can offer.

• PuffyChucky - apparently 14 months pregnant - makes her way slowly up the stairs to her ENORMOUS! GROTESQUE! BED! WITH! LEOPARD! SKIN! PILLOWS! to awaken her husband Joe. Because she's feeling pressure and has the runs. The... what? Yes: the runs. God bless you, PuffyChucky. No matter what ugliness your life brings, you just let it all hang out. I'm going to throw out an early prognostication by declaring her a leading candidate for this season's MVP.

• Meanwhile, as she's about to pop and give birth on her ENORMOUS! SHINY! MARBLE! FLOORS! husband Joe is wandering shirtless around the house and verrrrrrry slowly drinking some coffee. Joe? In retrospect, perhaps not the best possible move. You look like a shaved ape. I don't mean that as a negative thing, necessarily - god knows, I'm in no position to criticize - but still: I'm kind of wishing that I didn't have an HDTV right now.

• PuffyChucky: "A man gave birth. I saw it on TV." God, I love her.

• Sharon Osbourne and family set up their son SomethingSomething with a one-day opportunity to run a car wash, which will help him...somethingsomething. Are they teaching him a lesson? I don't know, and I'm too bored to pay attention. BOREDBOREDBORED. The family fakes enthusiasm convincingly. My wife: "That was totally contrived." She's right — they're inventing scenarios so that their kids can get camera time. Boooooo.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! takes her beautiful, intelligent daughters out to dinner. And uses this family get-together to start discussing her older daughter Christine's burgeoning modeling career. "Which I can help her with." Christine's response: "If I make it in the industry, I'll be happy. But if not, I'm not going to put myself down. And there's other things I can do." PROSTITUTIONWHORE! rolls her eyes and then looks angrily at Christine. "We're all on the same team," she says. By which she means: you're going to do what I tell you to do. Oh, PROSTITUTIONWHORE!. I almost feel guilty for how much I'm looking forward to your rude awakening on the day when Christine stands up, walks out the door, and becomes something spectacular... hopefully taking the younger daughter with her, leaving you alone with your ego and waaaaaaaytootightfacialskin.

• First ad break. Some kind of vaginal... ring... thing. Am suddenly very aware I'm not the target demographic here.

•Back to PuffyChucky, who's at the hospital and ready to pop. "I'm 3 centimeters dialated." Note to self: ask Canadian MamaPoppers to translate... I think that's something close to a yard.

• "I tried to shave my chucky yesterday." MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

• "I want a lot of diamonds. And then the pain will go away." MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

• OHSWEETMERCY they just jammed a fucking needle about a foot long into PuffyChucky's spine. On camera.  She howls, cries... and then asks if her makeup is all messed up. MVP! MVP! MVP! MVP!

• Meanwhile: Mom's awful bitchy spoiled daughter (Ashley. Of course. She's named Ashley. How Falcon Crest apropos.) stops by to apologize to Mom... and then proceeds to say, in essence, it's all your fault. Mom is very forgiving, though, so they catch up, and then Mom offers to send Ashley to a Life Coach to help her... uh... well, presumably make less fucking stupid decisions. Ashley's response: "I have a plan. I'm taking the spring off, then I'll take a couple of semesters at Community College, and then I'll go to school." What for? Zoology. Or so she can manage a band. Something like that.

• Dear Mom: you have the sympathies of the MamaPop nation. Can I say that? I'm not sure I'm allowed to speak for MamaPop nation. Fuck it: I'm seizing the conch here.

• PLOT TWIST: Sharon Osbourne's son decides to make his car wash business some kind of... strip... thing. He goes to SCORES - which is apparently a famous strip club - and meets with the GM. Big product placement score for SCORES. (See what I did there? That's what we in the blogging industry like to call "Lazy Writing.") Lots of pointless PG-13 shots of SCORES girls giving lap dances follows. Was that an attempt to keep me happy, Bravo? Not sure how I feel about this. What's the word I'm looking for... oh, right. Pandering.

• Ad break. Plugs and then ads for the Sex and the City 2 movie. Would I rather watch this movie or chew off my own arm? This is known as a rhetorical question, as clearly auto-cannibalism is my first and only option.

• Thank God... PuffyChucky is back! Screaming! Giving birth! Apparently there's... like... 200 family members in the room. And voila! The baby arrives. "A push and a half." Wow. That was easy.

• The baby's name is Audriana, and she's red and puffy and instantly beloved.

• Back to Mom, who's trying to talk to husband Chris. She pops open a bottle of wine, and then they sit together on a couch surrounded by candles and... says she wants to talk about their daughter Ashley and the whole life coach thing. He looks unhappy, which means either that he's disappointed he's not getting laid or that this is exactly what he expected in The Season In Which Chris Takes No Crap.

• Chris opens a giant safe, which is full of giant guns and ammo. Somewhere in America, a handful of hardcore NRA types who watch this show just creamed themselves with joy. Can I say that in MamaPop? Nobody tell Tracey. Let's keep this between you and me.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! meets with a friend for lunch, and finds out that another friend's 15yo daughter is fighting some very rare form of cancer. She immediately agrees to participate in a fundraiser to help raise money for the girl's treatment. Which is the good and right thing to do. She plunges right in... honestly, this is a very sobering moment, and a tremendous opportunity for her to redeem herself.

Unfortunately, it turns out that the benefit is being held in some big restaurant/function hall that's... owned by Sharon Osbourne's husband. This could get awwwwwwwwwkward.

• Captain Zentastic makes her first appearance (10:35pm) to talk about her friend who makes jewelry and is a psychic and is a complete fucking fruit loop very helpfully offered her some advice to talk to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! so she can get some kind of... uh... closure. She shares this plan with Sharon Osbourne and Mom, who look... skeptical? Yes. Skeptical. I'm pretty sure we can say they're skeptical. Even Mom seems to have turned against PROSTITUTIONWHORE! at this point. Captain Zentastic seems surprised that they don't think it's a great idea. You'd think her psychic friend might've clued her in that her friends would react that way.

• Mom comes to visit PuffyChucky with a gift from her baby to the new baby Audriana. Unfortunately... and really, there's no easy way to say this... Mom's baby is wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt.

(weeping hysterically for the future of mankind)

• Loooooooooong ad for the new Ashton Kutcher/Katherine Heigl movie, which looks like Mr. and Mrs. Smith except for the fact that it's going to suck.

• And we're back. And it's Sharon Osbourne's son working at the car wash. BOREDBOREDBORED. Oh, wait... he's bringing in strippers. If my wife hadn't already gone to bed, she'd be throwing things at the TV right now. 

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! meets with an old friend. "Our common ground comes from the fact that he went to prison." This isn't especially reassuring.

• Apparently she's looking for an escort to join her when she goes to Sharon Osbourne's husband's place for the cancer benefit. One skilled in the ways of shiv-making. Or shank-making. Shiv. Shank. Tomato. Tomahto. I can never keep these things straight.

• PuffyChucky shows off new baby Audriana to Captain Zentastic, who gushes appropriately. Unfortunately... Audriana is wearing a baby hat with a giant pink fake flower on it that's approximately 3x the size of her head. In retrospect, perhaps she is meant for a future with Ed Hardy t-shirt baby.

• PuffyChucky asks Captain Zentastic to be the godmother of Audriana. She accepts. Weeping. Lots of warmth and family-type joy there, which is a nice way to finish the show.

• Wait! Not done yet! Sharon Osbourne's husband reveals to his wife that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is coming to the benefit. Sharon... flips out. Well, actually that's unkind. She's livid, but she (very correctly) points out that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is fundamentally incapable of not causing a scene, and then bites her lip and accepts the inevitability of the fiasco to come.

Next week: the fiasco fundraiser.

••• ••• ••• ••• ••• •••

Okay. So... all things considered, a very solid episode. PuffyChucky making a STRONG play for MVP status, some unexpected gun handling (not a metaphor) by Mom, some deeply weird new age goofiness from Captain Zentastic, and PROSTITUTIONWHORE! setting up what may well turn out to be spectacular if spectacularly ill-timed misbehavior in next week's episode. With her Ritchie Sambora-looking shank dude. 

This week's question: shank or shiv? Why?


. . . . .
TwoBusy is ready to start watching networks that don't feature quite so many ads for vaginal ring products.






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Comments

tonya

PuffyChucky explaining that she attempted to shave her Chucky the day before put a visual in my head that I would rather burn my eyes with acid than recall.

I do love that her vanity has no bounds...giving birth, does my make-up look okay? MVP indeed!

Cristie

I laughed even harder at this than I did at the show. Eloquently (especially the nicknames) hilarious. Thanks.

bitchilla

Love it. But bring the nickname "half a forehead." It makes me laugh!

April

I vote for shank because it's a verb as well as a noun. You can shank someone with a shank. I don't think you can shiv someone with a shiv...or maybe you can. Thoughts?

JellyBean

Puffy Chucky name must live on! Ok, so who brings a skeezy felon (in much need of a haircut) to a fundraiser for a little girl with cancer (I thought she was 5, not 15)? How about don't go, but instead raise funds privately for the girl instead of make a scene at the fundraiser. With that said I am very much looking forward to next week's episode.

JellyBean

Does anyone else think Puffy Chucky's daughter Gia (the model) looks like a troll doll? Last season she was cute, this season, troll doll.

KBO

Okay, I need to watch it *gulp* again, but when they were talking about the cancer benefit, didn't the dad say she had "baby cancer". I swear he said "baby cancer". Is that real? I know if I laugh hysterically it will end up being real and then I'm the asshole.

KBO

Okay, I need to watch it *gulp* again, but when they were talking about the cancer benefit, didn't the dad say she had "baby cancer". I swear he said "baby cancer". Is that real? I know if I laugh hysterically it will end up being real and then I'm the asshole.

JellyBean

@KBO - I believe baby cancer was the term used. I doubt it is the official medical term so go ahead and laugh.

Cheryl

Once again, from the bottom of my heart, I am so grateful you watch this so I don't have to.

TwoBusy

@Tonya - Yeah, that revelation was something of an unexpected treat. She's a special kind of lady.

@Cristie - Thanks!

@bitchilla - For what it's worth, my wife agrees with you about the HalfAForehead nickname. That said... it's hard to say no to the Chucky.

So to speak.

@April - According to a guy I work with, shank is the noun; shiv is the verb. "I made a shank in the machine shop, and then I shivved Omar with it while he was waiting in line for mashed potatoes." I'm not sure whether to believe him or not, but I'm sure as hell happy that there's at least one person at my job willing to talk shivs and shanks with me.

@Jellybean - You may be right about the age. I thought I heard 15, but - as you might expect - I was taking notes frantically, and it's quite possible I got that wrong. Guess we'll find out next week. And yes: you are very much on target with the troll doll observation. In fact, in your honor... that girl will henceforth be known as Troll Doll. So let it be written... so let it be done!

@KBO - Yeah, I heard "baby cancer" too, and it made me profoundly uncomfortable. I have no idea what the hell he was talking about, but I'm pretty sure I didn't want to do any research to find out. *shudder*

@Cheryl - It's a public service, like maintaining sewer systems or picking dead animals up off the highway.




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