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Real Housewives of New Jersey Season 2 Premieres; Life Awesome Once Again

Real-Housewives-New-Jersey Quick: name the top five events in human history. Whaddya got? Alexander the Great discovering the New World? The evolutionary leap of opposable thumbs? The Boston Red Sox winning the 2004 World Series? Bruce Willis blowing up the killer meteor from beyond in Armafuckinggeddon? All worthy choices, but push 'em down — because as of right now, all five spots are officially taken by the relaunch of Real Housewives of New Jersey.

(ooooooohhhh... are those goosebumps on your arms? because those are goosebumps on my arms.)

When last we left our good friends in hell New Jersey, they were enjoying a relaxing dinner together punctuated by a discussion of friends, family, literature, and... oh, right: PROSTITUTION WHORE!

Next to the moment when one of Flava Flav's would-be Flavor of Love paramours - in the middle of a group toast - squatted down and... uh... unburdened herself on the floor, this may have been the single greatest moment in reality show history. It's a tough act to follow — but by God, the good housewives are up to the task. The Season 2 Premiere, in a nutshell:

• Jacqueline - brunette, sister-in-law of two of the other housewives, only friend to WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE - shows up überpregnant at the hospital in her spiffy Range Roger. And voila! The child is born! Man, that was quick.

• Apparently, the baby is the NJ savior, because it (sorry: he) has managed to help mend the rift between Jacqueline and SIL Caroline that arose as part of the table-flipping Season 1 finale brouhaha.

• Dina - blonde, sister of Caroline, SIL of Jacqueline - owns two cats that I can honestly say are the fucking ugliest animals I've ever seen in my life. She claims to believe in the power of positive energy and to have gone to great lengths to fill her home with the same, but apparently chooses to counterbalance that positivity by living with these two mutant... things... that that clearly ooze malevolence. I'm betting that by season's end, they kill someone.

• WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE arrives at a meeting with a... uh... priest in her own spiffy Range Rover, looking unnaturally tanned and with skin stretched tighter across her face than the cover of a standard snare drum. At first we can only presume that she's meeting with the priest to discuss some kind of exorcism of the evil spirits within her, but then she starts yelling at the poor guys about people throwing tables at her and calling her a whore. Danielle, let's be careful about misquoting others. The phrase is prostitution whore. Please use it correctly.

• Teresa - brunette, table flipper, owner of a hairline that mysteriously starts halfway down her forehead - is doing something Italian with tomatoes with her parents. She's apparently pregnant again, as her ginormous horndog husband Joe is incapable of not jumping on her, and is embracing her earth mother status by explaining how making tomato sauce while having your period is a bad idea. This may be science; I'm not sure. Meanwhile, one of her kids starts talking about how she really really really doesn't want to marry a Jewish guy. Antisemitism is so cute when it comes from a little girl who clearly thought it up on her own and wasn't influenced at all by older family members.

• Caroline - the Sharon Osbourne of the group - is out shopping with her husband. GOOD LORD... we meet her husband! Albert! Apparently, he's lost some enormous amount of weight, and is now happy to show up on camera shopping for expensive suits (and let's be clear: $9k for a complete suit? Is not cheap). That said... he seems like a nice guy. And, therefore, is out of place on this show.

• Back to Jacquelyn, who is having a heart-to-heart with her husband Chris... in which he tells her that he doesn't want her to be friends with WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE. Yeah. That's gonna work. Apparently Chris is still working out the fine details of this whole "being married" thing.

• Meanwhile, Teresa fishes for sympathy by pointing out that she doesn't have a nanny. She also mentions her husband's concern that something I've already forgotten will turn their potential-son-to-be gay. Ha ha ha. See? Is funny. No reason to be offended. Good work.

• WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE goes to visit her boutique-owning friend, where they sympathize over the fact that everyone misunderstands Danielle as a woman of evil which is clearly way off-base and then they call each other Sicilian bitches and laugh and then drink the blood of newborn lambs.

• Meanwhile, Jacquelyn's 19yo daughter discusses the idea of moving out of her parents' ginormous house and moving in with her 23yo boyfriend. At which point Jacquelyn brings up the "are you on birth control?" question to everyone. Which, from a parental perspective, is the smart and sensible thing to do and the right question to ask. Meanwhile, her husband Chris sharpens a verrrrrrrrry large knife and looks angrily at the 23yo boyfriend, who talks about working at Blockbuster. Chris doesn't seem terribly amenable to the idea of shacking up. And that knife does look awfully large and sharp.

Apparently, Chris has decided that this will be the Season Where Chris Doesn't Take Crap From Anyone.

• Break for a commercial for Sex and the City 2. Please kill me. Please kill me. Please kill me.

• Back to Caroline, who's throwing an event at her house - fundraising, $1000pp, no big deal - and she and her husband task their kids with grabbing their dogs and picking up all dog... stuff... on the grounds. Hilarity ensues. Or not. Whatever: an excuse to show multiple shots of dogs taking dumps on a lawn. Bravo, Bravo. Well played.

• At exactlythatsamemoment!!! WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE is gossiping with her pedicurist and discovering that she's not being invited to Caroline's big to-do. Oh, please, God, let her show up uninvited.

• Party night! And WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE packs her kids up in her big bad white Range Rover to go for a drive! Maybe they're going out for burgers or something. I bet Danielle wants a burger. Maybe with bacon.

• Ooooooh... mean girl subterfuge: Danielle's boutique-owning friend shows up at the to-do and claims that she doesn't really like Danielle.

• Danielle is driving in circles. One of her daughters recommends that she calm down. Can I mention here that Danielle's daughters seem WAY too level-headed and cool to have a mother this insane? I guess that happens sometimes. I guess that happens a lot of times, actually. Whatever. They deserve a mother who isn't a raving lunatic.

• That said, thank God this show has a raving lunatic. Especially as we head into the last 5 minutes of the premiere. The crowd demands blood!

• Teresa makes a colorful comment about how Danielle puts the... well, let's just say she takes a multisyllabic word - contradiction - sounds it out... and then does something terrible to it. Wow. Teresa continues to impress tonight. We can only presume her hairline is so low because it has so little brain matter to cover.

• Wait! Wait! WOMANOFEVILDANIELLE actually listened to her kids! Instead of crashing the to-do, she goes home! Wow. Common sense is pretty much the worst thing that could happen to this show. Am feeling nervous. Verrrrrrrrrry nervous.

• Wait! Wait! Sneak preview footage of upcoming shows! Featuring fights and screaming and profanity and knife fight threats and lots of police involvement!

Phew.


. . . . .
TwoBusy is just as surprised as you are to find himself loving this show.






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Comments

Dawn

I don't watch this but there is seriously something wrong with that woman's eyes in the still. 'She's comin' right for us!'

Kristine

Hehe. "mean girl subterfuge"
I can't wait to see what gets flipped next. I hope it's a pony.

Txtingmrdarcy

Is it wrong that I think that the Red Sox winning the series was better than Alexander the Great discovering the New World?

Or that I was so busy fixating on that that I didn't NOTICE that you said Alexander the Great discovered the New World?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

JellyBean

Loved it when Danielle questioned why Caroline had to throw a big fundraiser for the sheriff when she is supposed to be "thick as thieves" with her family. Loved it when Teresa had to shush her young daughter when she started to disparage Jewish people on camera. Plus, who needs 180 jars of tomato sauce? And if my husband tried to tell me who I could and could not be friends with he would be in a world of hurt.

Sweetney

Two opposable thumbs up! Will this be a regular recap? Here's hoping...

Marinka

This is the best recap of the episode that I've read. It's also the only one, but that's not the point.

I too thought it was weird how Gia came up with the "Jewish person" on her own, despite the elders having taken her to diversity training about our Chosen Friends.

And don't forget Theresa commenting on Danielle's hole. And being unable to find the right tunnel to compare it to. Seriously, how long until Theresa has a book of sonnets out?

Skye

Twitter has already sucked the brains right out of my head. I may have to stop stalking you because somehow Twitter led me here and WTF? You actually have to watch this crap in order to write about it? Wow. My respect for you has just jumped by leaps and bounds. You're one tough man.

(If folks hadn't posted about the things they agreed with and what you missed reporting on, I'd actually have thought you'd made it all up.)

Jen O.

I think you're experiencing Stockholm Syndrome with this show. It held you hostage for the duration of it's time slot, raped your eyes and ears with Money Trash talking Ghetto Trash, and smacked you in the face with flying folding card tables or whatever. It freed you when it was finished ramming your brainmeats with drivel and now you think it loves you. It doesn't love you, TB. It hates you and is going to rape you again next week. Same bat time. Same bat channel.

A) I need a nap.
B) I watch The Hills, The City, and Jersey Shore, so I know what I'm talking about here. We're victims. It's not our fault.
C) Thank you for recapping this. I think it loves me, too.

TwoBusy

@Dawn - Perhaps it's because her eyes move independently of one another (a sure sign of demonic possession).

@Kristine - A pony! Dude, I would be freakin' THRILLED if they tried to flip a pony. Or tip a cattle. Or engaged in any kind of Green Acres-style behavior.

@Txtingmrdarcy - Right on all counts.

@Jellybean - Apparently Teresa's family needs 180 jars of tomato sauce. Because they're Italian, in case you hadn't noticed. And apparently that's what Italians do: make pasta sauce, flip tables, fuck like rabbits, and disparage Jews. No? I'm misinformed? Look, if I can't trust RHoNJ for my stereotyping news, who can I trust?

@Sweetney - That's the plan, man.

@Marinka - Really, when you start on a note this high and pure... why would you go anywhere else? Beyond which: a book of Daniellian sonnets would surely be a best-seller. In Hell.

@Cheryl - Judge not, kind Cheryl. This show may be - in the words of Caroline - Garbage... but it is fine and delicious garbage at that.

@Jen O - Possibly the most disturbing/beautiful/true comment I've ever received at Castle MamaPop. Thank you for emoting. And yes: RHoNJ has enough love for all of us.




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