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HAHAHAHA! Tell The "Fat and Ugly" Joke! It NEVER Gets Old!

Shrek-4-mike-meyers  So the new Shrek Movie opens today and while that might sound like awful news to most people, I'm looking at it as a God-send. I'm going to use the existence of this film to prove, once and for all, the parentage of my children. I'll say "Do you want to see the new Shrek movie?" and if they say "Yes"...they're not mine.

Shrek Forever After is the FOURTH one in the series it turns out...a fact I was made aware of when they reminded me that I had in fact seen the third one. It must have been awesome if my mind set up a barrier that prevents me from remembering it. What was it even called? Shrek 3: Childhood Traumas Revisited ? The last time I forgot something so entirely I was waking up from a bad series of decisions I had made involving roofies, a long, slender pipe, and an adolescent mountain lion that was chewing on a severed hand. Shrek 3 is like a ghost that is haunting my good taste in movies and this ghost keeps sneaking up on me and taking a crap in my pillow, but it's a ghost crap so I just wake up having had a long series of bad dreams about a sewage treatment facility I'm running despite being under-qualified.

Let's look at the players. Mike Myers, who made The Love Guru and The Cat in the Hat, Eddie Murphy who brought us every family-oriented, kid-friendly, murderously-bad film ever, and Cameron Diaz who just annoys the ever-loving shit out of me for reasons that may or may not involve the shape of her head and her love of sassy haircuts. Plus Antonio Banderas, who is actually a good actor (Spy Kids franchise never happened...Spy Kids franchise never happened....) as a Spanish-accented cat sword-fighter who ran out of hard-elbow-to-the-ribs "pussy" jokes a long long time ago. 

Shrek-forever-after-gay-donkey

No way are they about to make a gay joke. Not Mike Meyers! 

In fact, that's my problem with the whole franchise. According to science there CAN'T be anything funny left for these people to say to each other. They'll slog through variants of the same old jokes and cash in their paychecks while we stumble out of the theater with a loud buzzing behind our eyes and a strong suspicion that what we just watched gave us cancer of the face. And it's in 3D, so we'll get dinged a $3.75 surcharge to experience this misery in an extra dimension. That's like paying someone about to kick you in the balls extra, just so they'll wear golf cleats and be a little extra "stompy".

Now in all fairness, and in the spirit of full transparency... I haven't seen the film. Nor do I plan on it. When I asked the kids what they wanted to do, the older one shrugged and sent a probably snarky text message about what a lame-o I am to Twitter so all her friends will think I can't WAIT to hear Mike Myers do a bad Scottish accent and when I asked the younger one, he said "Yeah!", so I was all "Do you REALLY want to go or do you just want popcorn?" and he was all "Popcorn!" and then he ran around in a tight circle, ate 6 Oreo Double-Stufs© and then passed out on the rug. 

Okay. THAT one is definitely mine.







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Comments

Jen O.

Don't be alarmed, but there is a Shrek ad at the top AND at the bottom of this post. I think it has you surrounded and is ready to attack. QUICK! Throw that mountain lion at them and RUN.

Karen

I'll cop to liking the Shrek films. Especially the first and second. My family and I agree that the third, while amusing, is only worth watching for the music and the frankly adorable ogre babies at the end.




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