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Dogtooth. A Film For Crazies.

Dogtooth  Dogtooth is a film from Greece that won some award at Cannes that I could totally read if I cared what French people had to say ever. And from what I can gather from the trailer, everyone in Greece is huffing paint fumes and doing 8-balls of cocaine pretty much all the time. 

Since I have no idea what the actual plot of the movie is, allow me to not do any research and just make a bunch of stuff up based on the crazy-ass trailer which you'll see in a minute. In Dogtooth, a family becomes trapped in their house by a killer cat, who isn't really all that murderous, but actually has been framed by some guy who covers himself in fake blood. Then some kid tries to cut "the predator we call 'cat'" in half with pruning shears. Then there is a bunch of screaming and then a dance party and then some maybe incestuous lesbianism followed by a tooth check.  And then everyone is in the backyard and they are barking at each other and beating each other up and then there's a girl screaming at knitting needles and then a plane flies into the World Trade Center and then another girl cuts a guy with a knife because of course she does. And the trailer ends with a guy beating up a woman with a VCR and telling her he hopes her kids "have bad influences and develop bad personalities." I think when they find their mom bludgeoned to death with an outdated piece of video hardware, that will be a step in the right direction.

Say what you will about "avante garde" cinema, because I'm already drunk and not really listening. I think we can all see the point the filmmakers are trying to get across is that cats, while naturally adorable, are dangerous killers and need to be attacked without provocation. Also screaming at inanimate objects for prolonged periods is how the terrorists will win. I don't know. I feel like I should maybe hold my breath for too long and wait until I start to get tunnel vision and stars in front of my eyes, and then watch this again Or like maybe someone is playing an elaborate hoax on me by getting me to write about this thing. I keep expecting Ashton Kutcher to jump out from behind a pile of douchebags* and tell me I'm being Punk'd©.

Time-Out (London) calls this movie "ingenious and shockingly blunt satire" and to that I say "pip-pip" and "cheerio!" and I tip my top hat while rubbing my monocle on my tuxedo coat, because that's what you do when you are a fancy gentleman who is trying to fake like he knows what the fuck he just watched. "Yes, yes Old Boy! Frightfully Ingenious Satire! (*looks around nervously*)" Remind me to look up "satire" in the dictionary later. And by that I mean "cruise for porn".

Here's the trailer. Buckle up. It's about to real up in here.**


 * A pile of douchebags is the best possible thing for Ashton Kutcher to hide behind, because it's like the perfect way for him to blend in. He's like a tiger! Only instead of stripes to disguise himself in the shadows of tall grasses so he might pounce on a passing springbuck unexpected, he has aviator sunglasses and a smug look and makes snide mouth-noises..

** I checked and this is for sure the most current and hip slang out there, yo.

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Sounds disturbingly like the dream I had last night. :0

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