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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: You Say Shiv, I Say Shank Edition

Real-Housewives-New-Jersey What kind of a person goes to a pediatric cancer benefit with the intent of starting a knife fight? Thanks to Real Housewives of New Jersey, we now know the answer.

This week's episode is significant in that it marks a transition for our ol' pal PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, who made the not-insignificant evolutionary leap from "whacked out TV mom who everybody hates" to "legit fucking nutjob who should probably be tasered. Repeatedly." It's a proud moment for her, and - really - a proud moment for all of us watching uncomfortably at home.

But before we get to that... a quick update to bring you back up to speed, just in case you're not quite as enraptured with this program as I've apparently become: PuffyChucky just had a brand new baby daughter; Mom is fighting with her own 18yo daughter, who is exercising her constitutional rights as an 18yo daughter to leverage her adult-ish freedom of choice to make lots of big, stupid decisions about her life; PROSTITUTIONWHORE! has agreed to attend a charity fundraiser for a friend's child who is fighting cancer... which will be hosted at the event hall owned and operated by the family of Sharon Osbourne (aka her arch enemy); and Captain Zentastic is just kind of floating around the periphery, being goofy.

Okay. Now: let's stretch out a bit before we begin. Limber up, get the blood flowing... this is a long haul, and I don't want anyone getting injured. You! Over there! With the hair and pants! Don't think I'm not noticing you half-assing the warmup. You won't have anyone to blame but yourself when you suddenly pull up lame with a charley horse halfway through. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Don't... DON'T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE.

Everyone ready? Excellent. Let's begin.

• The show launches with PuffyChucky all aglow with postpartum grooviness, and ready to head home with her new baby. On the drive back from the hospital, her homunculus husband Joe suggests that it might be a good idea if they have a bunch more kids. Perhaps unsurprisingly, she's not terribly receptive to the idea and responds: maybe you should get snipped. Joe laughs it off, clearly indicating that his virility will not be challenged by the likes of her. Underlying message: he's 0-4 on the "having a boy" thing, and he's not gonna stop (with PuffyChucky or otherwise) until he produces an heir to the throne.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! meets with a friend to talk about the cancer benefit (warning: linked site has music. In case you're reading this at work and don't want to get busted for being unproductive. Not that I would know anything about that). The friend gives her props for "having the courage" to go to The Brownstone (the place owned by Sharon Osbourne's husband, and the site of the benefit) and agrees to serve as her guardian angel — in essence providing her with safe entry to the event.

• Quick segue to the home of the Sharon Osbourne family, where the kids get lots of screen time hugging their friends. BUT WAIT! The newest friend is the son of the woman that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! was just eating dinner with! A spy! A spy in the house of love! I don't know what that means, exactly, but I'm going to go with it.

• Okay, so it turns out he's not a spy. Apparently, all parties are completely above board in knowing who's friends with whom, and they're all comfortable and mature with the fact that because A hates B and B is friends with C that means C and A can't really be friends because...

• It dawns on me: this is high school politics, only with bigger houses, gaudier outfits, a few more f-bombs and significantly more fake boobs.

• I find this revelation profoundly depressing. It's yet another example of how the Sharon Osbourne/family scenes are bringing this show down this season. I'm starting to actively dread the moments when she and her children are onscreen, which - given the narrative arc of this episode - means that I'm probably going to squirming uncomfortably for the next 45ish minutes.

• I hate squirming. Not a good squirmer.

• Meanwhile, Captain Zentastic comes over to the PuffyChucky's Casa de Grotesque to see the baby and catch up, while PuffyChucky's obnoxious daughter (not inaccurately described last week by loyal MamaPop reader JellyBean as a "Troll Doll") continues to practice her catwalk moves. Creep factor on a scale of 1-10: 8.

• The topic of conversation quickly turns to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! Who? Oh, right. "Ho-bag-slash-prostitution-whore-slash... psycho... sociopath?" Well said, PuffyChucky. Well said, indeed.

• A dinner scene featuring... OH GOD IT'S JUST THE KIDS. Mom's obnoxious spoiled rotten daughter is out to dinner with Sharon Osbourne's daughter and two guys and they're talking about their lives and the choices they're making and ochchchchccggggggggggggggggg

(choking on my tongue)

• (am now dead, which is preferable to the boredom of watching this scene)

(it's not working. the scene's still going.)

(dear Bravo: given the choice between watching the RHoNJ kids or choking on our own tongues, 9 out of 10 MamaPop readers prefer death)

• YES! Back to adults. Mom goes to visit her terrible daughter's boyfriend's mother. Who says kind things about the daughter and... well, it's all far more reassuring and far less awkward than she feared. Which from a parenting standpoint is good, but from a TV perspective is kind of dull. Here's how dull it is: they open up a bottle of wine, starting getting giggly and sauced... and it's still dull. They're friends, they're getting along, they're lying on each other's laps (kind of)... still boring.

• The RHoNJ kids boringness (is that a word?) (it is now) is so contagious that it's spreading beyond their own scenes and starting to infect the rest of the show. It's like Dutch Elm Disease or something.

• Dear Bravo: if the contagion in question was some kind of 28 Days Later thing, it would be awesome. I think I speak for America when I say that I would love - LOVE - to see these women killing and eating each other. But a contagion of boring? Anti-awesome. THEY ARE KILLING YOUR SHOW.

• A commercial for... uh... Marmaduke. Somebody spent millions of dollars to make a movie of Marmaduke.  That somebody needs to get punched in the groin. Marmaduke

• And we're back to Sharon Osbourne. Actually, no — we're back to her husband and her son talking to each other about PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, where they're discussing how they shouldn't let her drama affect their business, and how OHMYGODI'MSOFUCKINGBOREDWITHTHESEPEOPLE.

• Somebody had better get stabbed at the charity dinner. I'm just sayin'.

• Back to Chez PuffyChucky, where the Troll Doll is having a 9th birthday party - a spa party, of course, replete with a ride in a giant pink limo - alongside about a thousand other little girls. Before they leave, however, HomunculiDad shows up with her gift, which is... an ATV. Exactly what every 9-year old girl needs. So what do they do? They put the Troll Doll and one of her (many) younger sisters on the ATV for a quick ride. Because, of course, nothing is safer than a 9yo and a 7yo riding an ATV without helmets.

• Can I point out that the Troll Doll is dressed like PROSTITUTIONWHORE! as this is all going on? Stupid, ruffly, completely inappropriate outfit... Creep Factor: 25.

• At the spa. "Girls! We're all gonna get facials!" (cue fifty 9yo girls SQUEEEEEEEING like mad)

• I'd like to point out that I hope to be dead before my own girls start acting like this. Seriously. If they start squeeeeeeeing, just find a train and push me in front of it. Please.

• Back to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! Her fabulously rich friend shows up, as does her ex-con friend, who looks appropriately skeezy. He's Richie Sambora with a shank. Shiv. Fuck — how did we resolve this last week? I can't remember.

• PuffyChucky on the idea of getting a tattoo: "Would you put a bumper sticker on a Bentley? I don't think so." It's nice to see someone with such a healthy self-image.

• Commercial for the new Ashton Kutcher/whatshernamefromGrey'sAnatomy movie. Oh, wait... advertorial. Something. A behind-the-scenes... thing. Whatshername seems really excited about Ashton. I think she's "acting" as she says this.

• Back to Sharon Osbourne's house, where she's sharing large drinks (warning: may contain alcohol) with Mom and PuffyChucky. She's talking about shaving her face. Um... I've got nothing here.

• And now they're talking about PROSTITUTIONWHORE! They seems to regard her as an unpleasant odor that seems to follow them around. What's kind of amazing is the fact that Mom - who as late as the first half of last week's episode was something of a PROSTITUTIONWHORE! apologist - is now totally turned against her. She's a fickle one, apparently.

• Fickle is a word that sound far dirtier than it actually is.

• Aaaaaaaand now it's fundraiser time at The Brownstone. Great cause - raising funds for a friend's daughter to help cover some of the costs associated with her fight against cancer - destined to be marred by bad behavior. Am feeling self-conscious about my eagerness for PROSTITUTIONWHORE! fireworks. When did I grow a conscience?

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! starts trash-talking the Osbourne family right from the get-go. The Osbourne son greets them at the door and says something about "You're gonna find a big surprise." What he means: this event is sponsored by a local hunt club, meaning everyone is pretty casual... and Team PROSTITUTIONWHORE! just showed up in a Bentley dressed like they're headed to the prom. What they interpret: a declaration of intent that they're going to be attacked from the moment they enter the place. Cue instantly offensive defensiveness! Real-Housewives-New-Jersey-Prostitution-Whore

• Paranoia: not just for breakfast anymore.

• A brief pre-fireworks interlude, where Team PROSTITUTIONWHORE! talks to the family of the girl with cancer. They're on the verge of tears, clearly overwhelmed by the fact that so many people have come together to help them. The moment is kind of jarring, as it's strange to see real people with real emotions in the midst of all this absurd drama.

• Back to the trash. PROSTITUTIONWHORE's! large entourage of ex-cons and Hell's Angels - who are at the event uninvited, at the behest of PW - demand that a table be put together for them, and immediately start making a huge scene. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is literally walking around The Brownstone and telling people that she and her entourage are being harassed, treated poorly by the staff and family, and are being kicked out by the Osbourne family. Which isn't actually true, but clearly truth shouldn't get in the way of self-aggrandizing drama.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE's! ex-con friend is working himself up into a frenzy. He's getting more and more profane, and looks like he's getting ready to shank someone. (Shiv? Shank? Shiv? Shank? Where does the MamaPop style guide stand on this?) Meanwhile, the superwealthy friend is starting to look a little... uncomfortable at this whole thing. I'm getting the feeling she was hoping for a little bitchiness and drama, not a large group of ex-cons potentially starting a brawl.

• Quick flash to Mom on PROSTITUTIONWHORE!: "She's not a victim. She's a nutjob."

• Retort from PROSTITUTIONWHORE!: "I... uh... I, I, I have a good grasp on reality."

• Reality: "Not so much."

• Aaaaaaaand scene. Nobody got stabbed, which is moderately disappointing. Although the sneak preview of next week shows a one-on-one dinner between PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and Captain Zentastic, which will apparently involve energetic shooshing. Not a metaphor, btw.

••• ••• ••• ••• •••

So. What did we learn? We learned that Sharon Osbourne's family is really boring, little kids are allowed to ride ATVs without helmets in New Jersey, and that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! isn't just TV villain bad, but a legitimately terrible person. Can we petition the NJ government to have her children removed to a less whacked-out environment? And how much of a colossal fuckup must her ex-husband be that he allows his two kids to be raised by this creature? The mind boggles.


. . . . .
TwoBusy wishes to point out that no troll dolls were harmed in the creation of this post.






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Comments

tonya

Kate "G" (Ali G? I don't remember) - PROSTITUTIONWHORE'S wealthy friend is clearly just there to stir the pot a little. Talk about creating a mountain out of Chris' very small comment. Paranoia, check!

Miss Banshee

You (not YOU, TwoBusy, you're not the shanking type, I THINK) SHANK someone with a SHIV. I, uh, don't ask me why I know that, plz.

Excellent recap! I'm so proud of my home state.

JellyBean

It was a baby cancer fundraiser. Pediatric cancer fundraiser sounds too "medically" and all that.

TwoBusy

@Tonya Exactamundo... they came in paranoid and looking for a fight, and it's incredible how quickly and energetically they pushed things beyond the bounds of common sense. Awful, awful, awful people.

@MissBanshee Score one for Dirty Jersey!

@JellyBean You are, of course, entirely correct.

Skye

@MissBanshee & @TwoBusy: Both a shank and a shiv are nouns. You can however shiv someone as long as you do it on television. It doesn't count as a verb unless it's in video format.

I hope I've cleared up the confusion for y'all. If you add this to MamaPop's guidelines, I'd like attribution and maybe some cash.

@TwoBusy: once again, thank you for watching so I don't have to.




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