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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: Shush, Shush... Keep It Down Now; Voices Carry Edition

Real-Housewives-New-Jersey-Mom-Jacqueline MamaPop would like to  extend our deepest thanks to the good people at Bravo. Why? For looking beyond the cheap tricks and easy ratings gimmicks of "reality TV" to provide us, instead, with the probing and thoughtful study of the Real Housewives of New Jersey — each episode a near-sonnet to the truth and beauty of life in America's suburbs.

Oh, wait... I'm sorry. Apparently I was momentarily confused, as clearly I was referring to Bravo's massively popular Real Housewives of Bizarro World. Because RHoNJ? Is as nightmarishly horrifying a collision of ego, money, bad taste and borderline psychosis as you're likely to find on television. Which, for all intents and purposes, also defines its appeal. 

With that, I bring you Real Housewives of New Jersey - Week 6:

• PuffyChucky pulls out her driveway in her homunculus/husband's gorgeous Maserati, bringing her Troll Doll daughter to an audition. And what do you find at an audition? STAGE MOMS. Of which she instantly establishes herself as the Queen — as soon as she finds out that other kids are going for the same role(s), she launches into nonstop bragging about what a special special girl the Troll Doll is, how natural an actress she is, how many other wonderful things she does, etc. "I'm so not a stage mom," she points out. Instant cut to: another parent rolling his eyes in disbelief.

• Long, boringboringboring scene of Sharon Osbourne's family getting their event center place (The Brownstone) ready for a.... snnzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

(drifting off)

(falling asleep)

• Awake! PROSTITUTIONWHORE! flashback! We relive the highlights of last week's show, when PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and her posse of stabby ex-cons showed up at a cancer benefit at The Brownstone, f-bombed everyone and everything, and then stomped out promising to visit violence on anyone who crossed them. Just an awesomely uncomfortable experience for all concerned.

• Quick flip to the RHoNJ nail salon, where Mom goes for a pedicure, and runs into... Kim G, aka PROSTITUTIONWHORE's! rich friend/benefactor from last week's cancer benefit fiasco. Who sits down next to Mom and wants to start talking about PW, much to Mom's dismay. You can actually see Mom squirming in her seat, and when her baby starts squealing in the next room she practically begs the salon staff to bring him over so that she can use him as a barrier between herself and Kim G's conversation. Honest to god: she's holding him up like he's a cross and she's trying to ward off a vampire.

• Kim G will not be dissuaded. She reveals that she was actually quite embarrassed by the way that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and her stab posse acted at The Brownstone, and tries to talk Mom into having a conversation with said psycho to clear the air. You know: like rational people do.

• I'm thinking that Kim G is probably sitting at home right now and watching herself... and realizing that this is exactly the position that Mom was in at the beginning of the season, before she finally woke up to what a complete raving lunatic PROSTITUTIONWHORE! truly is.

• BLAM! We flip over to Kim G and PROSTITUTIONWHORE! getting beautified somewhere else in prep for a... something. I don't know. Anyhow, Kim G tells PW that she wasn't comfortable with her ex-con bodyguard/mantoy/Richie Sambora lookalike referring to Sharon Osbourne's oldest son as - and I quote - "a faggot." PROSTITUTIONWHORE! initially reacts defensively, then points out that she didn't say it (valid point for PW) and that it doesn't count anyhow (aaaaaand the point is swiftly taken away) because the son in question isn't actually gay. And besides which: it's his parents' fault for putting him out there on the floor knowing full well that she was wandering the grounds of The Brownstone and wanted to do bad things to them. So, really, it's kind of like she's the victim here.

• Meanwhile, a room full of (quite possibly gay) stylists are standing behind the two woman, listening to this conversation and silently weighing the idea of speaking up about how grotesquely offensive they find it... versus the massive tip they'd be kissing goodbye for doing so. They decide to stick with the tip.

• Subtext fun: PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is reacting to Kim G's concerns exactly the way Mom predicted she would — she denies everything, then gets irrationally defensive and pissed off. Kim G picks up on this, so she claps her hands - magically making all the tension go away! - and they're off to...

• It's PROSTITUTIONWHORE's birthday party! Everyone: Happy birthday to you... happy birthday to you... happy birthday, dear PROSTITUTIONWHORE!... happy birthday to you!

• And suddenly, PW is crying because Kim G is making her feel bad because... um... Kim G dared to say that she was uncomfortable with her son's best friend being called a faggot. By PW's stabtastic ex-con fashion accessory.

• Captain Zentastic sighting! She's talking to her daughter assistant (thanks to Erin for the correction!) about PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and all her accompanying insanity. The daughter assistant points out "It's like high school drama." In the words of Col. Hans Landa, that's a bingo. Nevertheless, Zentastic decides that she needs to talk to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! Perhaps she sensed the vibes that Kim G was putting out at the salon earlier in the show. Or maybe her unholy collection of cats sensed the vibes, and then passed the message along to her through pheromones.

• PuffyChucky and Troll Daughter go in to talk to TD's agent, who tells them that the girl needs to lose her New Jersey accent. PuffyChucky is baffled by this suggestion, but agrees to have her daughter meet with a dialect coach. Poor, poor Troll Doll. Your road to stardom appears to be blocked by cawfee and dawgs.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! wanders around her house and yells at her dog about how the other housewives are too involved in her life. Keep in mind: this is the woman who drove in circles around Sharon Osbourne's party with her two daughters in the back seat of her Range Rover while they begged her to just go home and not to burst in and make a scene... and who just last week showed up at a pediatric cancer benefit and instead of trying to offer help and hope to the family in question spent the evening badmouthing the Osbourne family, dropping f-bombs left, right and center, and then finally stomping off with a bunch of ex-cons and Hell's Angels threatening violence against anyone who got in their way. In other words: perhaps not the best judge of what does and doesn't constitute rational behavior. Also: she's yelling at her dog.

• However... it turns out that Mom's awful daughter is sending her hateful text messages and setting up hate pages on Facebook. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! wigs out, of course, and decides that it means she's being threatened with physical violence... but whatever: Mom's daughter is way, way, way over the line. PROSTITUTIONWHORE decides she'll let the cops handle it. Subtext: until they don't, at which point she'll bring her stabby friends into the picture.

• Flash to: Mom and PuffyChucky meeting for lunch, where Mom is terribly upset about the accusations PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is levelling against her daughter. Although - REVELATION - apparently even before PW and Mom stopped being friends, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! called Mom's daughter a whore. Which seems kind of ironic.

• Anyhow. The daughter shows up at the restaurant, and Mom asks: "Did you threaten her? Did you send her a text saying, 'I will kill you'?" The daughter denies making the threat, although she admits that her temper got the best of her and she sent off an angry text message after the children's cancer fiasco at the Brownstone.

• Back to PROSTITUTIONWHORE!, who's trying to soothe her troubled mind by taking her ex-con Richie Sambora suit shopping. Her rationale: she can make Kim G. feel better about him by dressing him up.  Ex-con RS starts having flashbacks to the last time he wore a suit... when he was in front of a judge. Awesome.

• Suddenly, her phone rings. It's Captain Zentastic! Asking her to get together to talk! Cue massive PW apprehension, which instantly segues to active paranoia. "You'll be there if I need you, right?" she asks Shiv Sambora and his huge, mumbly "I'm hoping I can parlay this TV time into a bit part in post-Sopranos mob shows" pal, whose name can't possibly matter enough for me to learn it.

• Mom's daughter has a conversation with her several-years-older boyfriend, who points out that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! is "a 16 year-old trapped in a 47 year-old's body." I suddenly like this guy a lot. He also gets appropriately pissed off when he learns that she (the daughter) put up a Facebook post saying that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! had sent the cops after her... after the shit hit the fan. She protests that she should be able to say whatever she wants on Facebook with no reprecussions. Her dumbness astounds even him. Her dumbtacity. Her dumbitude. Knight-and-Day

• Looooooooooooong commercial for the new Tom Cruise/Cameron Diaz film. It looks... what's another word for suck?

• Promo for next week: A housewife leaves the show forever! Fuck. Now I'll HAVE to watch it.

• Aaaaaaand we're back to the Sharon Osbourne family, as they cook dinner for... zzzzzznnnnnggggggccccchhhhhhhh

(asleep)

(drooling on myself)

(it's a puddle. the longer this lasts, the bigger the puddle of drool that's going to be left on my chest. this is disgusting.)

• Meanwhile... beneath a full moon (oh, Bravo, you artsy swines), Captain Zentastic prepares for the drinks with PROSTUTIONWHORE!, who - for her own part - is expecting an apology. For... uh...

(thinking)

(thinking)

• Nope. I've got nothing.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! calls her friend the ex-con, who is WAITING IN THE FUCKING PARKING LOT OF THE RESTAURANT, READY TO COME RUSHING IN IF PROSTITUTIONWHORE! NEEDS HELP.

• Which isn't terrifying at all.

• Back to dinner at the Osbournes, where Mom's daughter tells her dad Chris (of The Season Where Chris Doesn't Take Crap from Anyone fame) that PROSTITUTIONWHORE! called the cops on her. Chris: "Don't go online and say anything to her." The daughter: "But she said I needed to lose weight in my arms." Chris laughs and massages his knuckles. He's also turning red. I think he's getting angry. We wouldn't like Chris when he's angry.

• Meanwhile, they bring up PROSTITUTIONWHORE's hypocrisy — in Season One, PuffyChucky's HomunculiHusband made some kind of anti-gay slur during a dance class, and PROSTITIONWHORE! rightfully called him on it. Flash back to last week, when her pal/bodyguard Richie Shankbora calls the Osbourne son a faggot, and she doesn't even blink. What was her excuse? Oh, right. He's not gay, so it doesn't count.

• PuffyChucky: "That's a slur. Look it up in the dictionary, girlfriend." (She decides against doing the finger snaps. Too bad — would've been way, way cooler with finger snaps.)

• Aaaaand back to the restaurant, where PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and Captain Zentastic get ready to meet. I have a suspicion there will be shushing. Perhaps even energetic and forceful shushing.

• Meanwhile, Richie Shankbora sits out in the parking lot sharpening his shiv. His shank. His... fuck it. I hope he's wearing his new suit, however.

• Anyhow, Captain Zentastic talks to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! and tells her: "I am done with this, and I want no part of anything. This is me setting my boundaries with you, and I need you to respect that. Anything to do with me, my daughter, my husband, my business, my foundation..."

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! interrupts, and then they go back and forth, and then... they start shushing each other. "Next time you shush me, expect me to speak louder" PW hisses in a post-meeting vid clip. That one might've sounded tougher when she said it in her head than it did out loud. Nevertheless, tensions are mounting, the argument is gaining steam, and...

• TO BE CONTINUED? They interrupt the showdown between PW and CZ mid-argument so they can stretch it into next week? WHAT THE FUCK, BRAVO?

(pissed off)

(pissed off)

* (a day later: still pissed off)

••• ••• ••• ••• ••• •••

Alright. So... the promo promised us that next week one of the housewives will be leaving the show FOREVER!. Where does your money lie on this, and why? MamaPop wants to know, yo.


. . . . .
TwoBusy is proud that his own burgeoning showbiz career will not be hampered by a New Jersey accent.






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Comments

Skye

I'm putting my money where your mouth is. It's gotta be the Osbourne freakazoid who's so boring that any scene with her or her family causes you to doze and drool. What kind of fool keeps boring people on a reality show set in Jersey fachristsake?

thedutchgirl

I'm betting on Captain Zentastic. (She was, by the way, talking with her assistant at the table. Her daughter isn't on the show this season.) She's a real snooze this season with her anti-drama stance.

Silver

I bet it's Kim G. The way they did on that Very Special episodes of 901210 or whatever where the peripheral character that we'd maybe met once or twice before accidentally shot himself with his father's gun? Kim G's outta there.

Sarah Lena

You are my hero.

Fairly Odd Mother

It's gotta be Captain Zentastic and her whole "I need to get rid of negativity even though I surround myself with the freakishly scariest cats known to mankind". I'm sure she gets shit from her husband who refuses to be on the show and maybe she's realizing he's the smart one in the family.

TwoBusy

@Cheryl - Honestly, I'm thinking you may be right... Sharon Osbourne has really removed herself from the spotlight this year (and cast it on her ultraboring family instead), and I wouldn't be surprised a bit if she decides to withdraw entirely from the proceedings.

@thedutchgirl - First, thanks for correcting me about the Assistant... I've made adjustments in the post. Secondly, you make a completely reasonable point, although knowing that Zentastic is enough of an attention whore that - prior to appearing on RHoNJ - she allowed her wedding to be shown on some VH1 weddings-from-hell show... well, let's just say that I'd be a bit surprised if she decides that she's lost her taste for the spotlight.

@Silver - I like your idea, although that would undermine Bravo's claim that it was one of the (titular) housewives who's leaving. That said, killing off Kim G would almost certainly qualify as the greatest plot twist of all time.

@Sarah Lena - I also aspire to be the wind beneath your wings.

TwoBusy

@Fairly Odd Mother - I think he got his fill of seeing himself (looking bad) on TV during their VH1 wedding thing.

Speaking of which - EVERYONE!!! - watch a clip of the VH1 thing here: http://tinyurl.com/263g6ap

April

Richie Shankbora? I almost died after choking on a gummy bear when I read that. Heh.

I don't know who's leaving, but I hope it's not PROSTITUIONWHORE! As awful a person she seems to be, she is also v. entertaining.

Shannon

I believe it was Bridezillas that Dina, aka Zentastic, was on. Pretty appropriate.
I'm casting my vote for Dina being the one to leave. Her husband has never been on the show and now her daughter is off. I don't think that Caroline, aka Sharon, will be the one to go because 2 of the other 3 are her family and she has made it very clear that they stick together. I'm not entirely sure that she wouldn't try to take the rest of them with her if she left.
LOVE your recaps, by the way!

Christina

Hysterical post.
I think Dina (Zentastic) is leaving. She has barely been on the show this season. Both her husband and daughter are no where to be found and so far she has not been at very many events/gatherings.
Personally, I like the Osbourne's...they remind me of my NJ Italian family, LOL. And I did look into getting married at their place (years before the show). It was booked. It has always been a very popular place to get married (in NJ we book at least a year in advance).
As far as PW goes, WOW, just WOW. She is really scary and off her rocker. I hope those daughters run for their lives.

TwoBusy

@April - Correct: PW is the warped and morally corrupt little engine that drives the show forward. I can't imagine it without her.

@Shannon - While she may have been in Bridezillas, the clip I attached in my comment above was from a VH1 show. Check it out (and try to hunt down the episode itself... fairly horrifying/truly entertaining). And glad you're loving recaps — thanks!

@Christina - I kinda wish we could flash forward to 20 years from now and see PW's daughters as these incredible, bright, successful women who occasionally go back and visit their whacked-out mother, who's still wandering around her now-decrepit NJ mansion (which she STILL hasn't sold) like something out of Grey Gardens.

JellyBean

Dina to go for sure. No storyline, no husband or daughter on the show. They just show her stupid cats all the time. I think they are grooming Kim G to be her replacement, which will also give purpose to Danielle staying around since no one else talks to her. Plus Kim G knows the Manzos, is rich, etc.

JellyBean

The shopping scene with Richie Sambora was hilarious, esp when he started to undress in the store to try on a shirt. Kept thinkinig about Sharon Osbourne's earlier quote "you can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig".

TwoBusy

@Jellybean - I hereby declare you the high seer of all things RHoNJ. Your swap Dina-for-Kim G scenario is sheer JEEEEEENYUS.

There is but one RHoNJ. And Jellybean is its prophet.




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