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Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: This Little Piggy Edition

Real-Housewives-New-Jersey-DinaEach week, as I watch Real Housewives of New Jersey, I can't help but think of Harlan Ellison. Wait! Wait! Don't run away! Stay with me here for a minute!

I realize you're thinking: dude, you've lost your mind. And you may not be wrong. But as I study and analyze the violent spirals of drama and insanity that envelop these women - especially Danielle, our rancid and fascinating PROSTITUTIONWHORE! - like the black buzzing halo encircling the lord of the flies, the phrase that keeps leaping unbidden into my mind is one that Robert Bloch (author of Psycho, among other things) once used to describe übergenius short story writer Harlan Ellison: "He's the only organism that thrives in hot water." 

Am I comparing Ellison to PROSTITUTIONWHORE! in any serious way? Crimony, no. One is among the finest American writers of the 20th century; the other is... uh... a PROSTITUTIONWHORE! That said, they both seem irrevocably drawn towards situations defined by heat and conflict, the likes of which generally motivate people to run as quickly as they can in the opposite direction. Kind of like the title monster from Predator.

Danielle-real-housewives-new-jersey Predator

And on that note... allow me to grab the conch and present to you this week's Real Housewives of New Jersey:

• And we launch with... energetic shushing! I'd completely forgotten - or blocked out, more accurately - that Bravo had completely fucked us over last week by breaking up the big PROSTITUTIONWHORE!-slash-Captain-Zentastic showcase showdown into a two-episode fiasco. And yet... here we are, back in the restaurant. And they're shushing each other!

• Am I the only one who sees PROSTITUTIONWHORE! trying to trash Zentastic in the cutaway "here's what I was thinking" sequences they intersperse into the "live action" - her Jersey accent getting thicker and thicker with each newly-spewed bit'o'invective - and starts having flashbacks to Lorraine Bracco in Goodfellas?

• Anyhow. They howl at each other - grabbing the attention of pretty much everyone in the restaurant - and then Zentastic tells her, "You're crazy." At which point PROSTITUTIONWHORE's head spins around and she starts vomiting green goo.

• I'm no rocket surgeon, but when someone calls you crazy and you react by going completely bugfuck in a public setting? That may be an indication that they're not completely off-base.

• We switch to Casa PuffyChucky, where the PuffyChucky and Mom families are heading out for a day at a local farm... which, I realize, I've actually visited with my own family. And yes: I'm HORRIFIED to discover my life overlapping with that of the Real Housewives in any way, shape or form.

• On the way to the farm, Mom calls PROSTITUTIONWHORE! a pig, and then almost apologizes. This seems unfair to pigs, which are intelligent, sensitive animals who also happen to be delicious.

• Soon enough, they get to the farm and are amazed by the fact that pigs have giant balls. This is why we watch TV: to be amused by wealthy New Jersey women cackling over pig balls. Awesome.

• Meanwhile, Chris looks angrily at everyone - including his crappy older daughter's boyfriend - and we're reminded that this is the Season Where Chris Doesn't Take Crap From Anyone. He dances around inviting the boyfriend to a guy's poker game for a while, and then ultimately decides to issue the invitation. We can only hope the boyfriend will accept and show up — whereupon someone will call him Spider, words will be exchanged, and then... bad things.

• Aaaaaaand it's a Sharon Osbourne scene. Thankfully, it does not involve her family. Instead, her sister Captain Zentastic (who pulls up in a Mercedes V12, btw) and Mom are getting together to talk about PROSTITUTIONWHORE! They are all united now in their hatred and distaste, and Sharon more or less glows with "I told you so" satisfaction.

• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! gets together with Kim G and a couple of other "friends" (note the crafty use of quotation marks to indicate the tenuous nature of any friendship involving PROSTITUTIONWHORE!), and starts dishing on the restaurant showdown. And then... uh... she whips out a LOOOOOOONG email from Captain Zentastic, sent post-showdown, and begins reading it to the ladies.

• Um.

• Why? Why would you ever do that? Why why why? Oh, Zentastic. Every time I think that your deep spiritual thinking is leading you to become a more capable human being... you pull something like this. On a stupid scale of 1-10, this is a solid 17.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! on Captain Zentastic: "She is disgusting. She's a disgusting pig."

* Pigs are really getting badmouthed in this episode.

(don't think about bacon)

(don't think about bacon)

(don't think about bacon)

• The next day (I'm guessing here, but let's go with it) Kim G shows up at the house of Mom, perhaps following up on their EXTREMELY uncomfortable salon conversation of last week's episode. And, of course, she wants to talk about PROSTITUTIONWHORE's take on the showdown. Mom reacts with lots of nervous laughter, then once again uses her child as a human shield against both Kim G and the conversation itself.

• Eventually, Mom wears down and starts to dish on PROSTITUTIONWHORE!... basically giving Kim G a sneak preview of what she's going to experience as a friend of PW. Meanwhile, this conversation is interspersed with flashbacks that parallel Kim G assertions about what happened/what she said in her conversation with PW... with video footage of what she actually said. There's a bit'o'disconnect. Just sayin'.

• Chris goes shopping in prep for his poker night, and expresses some reservations about his daughter's boyfriend, who's been invited for the first time. They talk about "the initiation." Mom: "They've been known to hogtie somebody... make them sit in the corner." And with that, I'm starting to imagine poker night as some kind of Animal House/Blair Witch Project mashup. Am unreasonably excited by this possibility.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! meets up again with her New! Improved! Housewives but not Real Housewives friends!... and they start talking about men... and she flashes back to her skeezy boytoy of last season... (taking a moment to reveal that it's PuffyChucky's fault that she hooked up with him repeatedly...) and then explains to a roomful of shocked women: HE TAPED OUR MOMENTS OF INTIMACY! AND THEN TRIED TO SELL THE VIDEOS!

• This is also, somehow, the fault of the other Housewives. I don't really understand how, but PROSTITUTIONWHORE! logic is kinda twisty. Like a Gordian knot, or a pretzel. Possibly both.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE: "All I know is he's gross and disgusting, and it's going to take a lot for me to feel open again."

• Please join me in a moment of prayer, in hopes that whatever ethereal powers may be can somehow help PROSTUTIONWHORE! learn how to love again.

• Coincidentally, the gross and disgusting ex-boytoy then shows up for Chris' poker night. Colorful discussions ensue.

• Mom: "If some guy's text messaging while you're having sex... honey, you're not that good." That was a haiku, Garth!

• Mom interrupts the poker night to tell the boytoy the terrible things she's been saying about him behind his back. His response: "I didn't tape her. She taped herself doing all these crazy things and then sent them to me." In 999 out of 1000 scenarios, if you saw a scumbag guy like this make that claim, you'd instantly call bullshit. But when he's talking about PROSTITUTIONWHORE? You just shrug your shoulders and say, "Yeah, I can see that."

• HomunculiDad interrupts the poker game to suggest how they should treat Chris' daughter's boyfriend: "We should tie him to a tree, pull his pants down, wait for a deer to come along..." I don't know whether to be repulsed or impressed by this stream of consciousness. I decide: Probably both.

• Speaking of which... did y'all see this about PuffyChucky and HomunculiDad? Wow. Despicable_me

• Commercial for Despicable Me. Am I the only one unreasonably excited for this movie? I saw the preview this weekend when I took my kids to see Shrek 4, and cackled something like four times in two minutes (which is more than I did during the entirety of Shrek 4). That's a damned good ratio. 

• Aaaaand we're back. PROSTITUTIONWHORE! goes lingerie shopping with her girlfriends. "Nothing white. I'm no virgin." Just in case the sex tapes didn't make that cle.... sorry. She just flashed her ass, and something in my brain popped. I think I'm broken now.

• 14-minute commercial break. Thank god.

• Aaaaand back to the poker game. The stupid daughter's boyfriend shows up and looks a little nervous. Before we can get too deeply into the fun... the daughter mouths off and gets kicked out of the house in very, very ugly fashion.

• Meanwhile, PROSTITUTIONWHORE! goes to town with her new, improved girlfriends and hooks up with her old stabby pal Rickie Shankbora for... um...

• Um.

• Okay: here it is: it's a "learn how to pole dance and be sexy for your man" class... thing. The hostess asks Kim G: "Ready to get on the pole?"

(brain popping again)

• And then PROSTUTIONWHORE! takes her shot at it and... um... that's right: she looks like a pro. Can't imagine why.

• PROSTITUTIONWHORE! drops some stripper pole knowledge. "Always engage. And then suggest. Just like the old days!" This may be her proudest moment as a housewife.

• Meanwhile, Captain Zentastic is at home stroking her hairless cats. #notametaphor

• Captain Zentastic announces "Danielle is dangerous, especially to those who believe she is a changed person." And then Bravo announces: "Dina chose to stop filming and avoid further contact with Danielle."

• Houston, we've lost a housewife.

•• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• •• ••

So. What did we learn? We learned that some of y'all are smarter than me, in having made the call last week that Dina would be the housewife to leave the show. Will Kim G replace her? It certainly looks that way, based on the sneak preview offered of next week's episode. 

We learned that poker games in gigantic, heavily-leveraged mansions in New Jersey are potentially dangerous and/or uncomfortable places to be.

We learned that it's bad to be called a pig, but that pig balls in and of themselves are hysterically funny.

We learned that Kim G on the pole is a bad, bad, bad idea.

And we learned that in the end... all PROSTITUTIONWHORE! wants is to learn how to love again.

. . . . .
TwoBusy is sharpening a stick at both ends.

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Game, set, match to Dina. She pulled the ultimate popular mean girl move of honestly not caring, to the point where she doesn't even give a fuck about Bravo's money. To a narcissistic, down and out, psycho/sociopathic social climber like Danielle, this is the ultimate slap in the face. In one fell swoop, she is able to display her wealth, apathy, and aloofness.

One could also argue that she just served Bravo, because not only did she quit, but she had the balls to go on Andy's show afterwards and basically say, "Yeah, Danielle is so crazy you can't pay me to even talk about her anymore, let alone be in the same room with her. I'm over your obviously-manufactured drama." Very few reality stars are willing to do that.

Basically, I'm Team Dina, all the way.


Dammit I am so not happy to see Dina go. I was really hoping it was going to be Kim G who has now proved herself to be a snakeinthegrass hell bent on conspiring with PROSTITUTIONWHORE! And I bet you a pound of mootzahrrrrell that Sharon's going to weigh heavily in on THAT one.

Let the catfights...ummm...resume!

Sarah Lena

First of all: it's really, really hard to believe anything Danielle says about "being taped" when we IN REAL TIME know that Hustler now HAS a tape that is apparently filmed in the first-person.

(I'm not proud to admit that I perused the stills. A lot. And I realized that 1) there doesn't appear to be anyone else in the video and 2) Ashley TOTALLY CALLED HER ON THE SQUARE TIT STUFF. Most websites that showed the stills had to use some odd pentagram shape because it is so weird-looking.)

Secondly: there is not nearly enough of the Ham Game in this show. Where's the ham? They buy, like, eight pounds of pork in every forsaken episode.. could we just fling some around a little bit? For me?!


@KBO - Love love LOVE your analysis. Brilliant stuff. I may have to quote you next week.

@Silver - Kim G is clearly trying to play both sides of the fence, which inevitably will come back to bite her in the ass & cause friction. In other words: a PERFECT addition to the show.

@Sarah Lena - (cackling like a madman)


I have to say, them laughing at the pig balls is the highlight of the season for me.

And oh, Kim G. I suspect your backhanded "friendships" will be catching up with you soon...and I cannot WAIT to see Sharon Osbourne lay the smack down on that one.

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