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Summer Movies 2010: You Gotta Know When To Walk Away. And Know When To Run

Knight_and_day_poster  Knight and Day, the Tom Cruise / Cameron Diaz action movie that asks the question "Why the hell am I sitting in this theater?" opens today and it's only real competition is Grown Ups, that movie about Adam Sandler and his friends acting stupid for the millionth time,  which looks equally horrific so maybe this is the weekend where we all just stay indoors. What do you say? I'll rent Memento. It'll be awesome.

I wish I had a movie I could not-review this weekend but even putting the effort into making up stuff about the current dung hill (barring Toy Story 3, Get Him To The Greek and Cyrus of course) of films appeals to me the way that grilled cheese sandwich does that is sitting in that puddle of brown stuff in the back of my  fridge...and sure maybe that puddle has only a 40% chance of being soy sauce...but technically it's still edible, I suppose. What I'm trying to say is my interest in the films out there this weekend falls somewhere between  "not at all" and a State-funded Czarist documentary on fraudulent insurance claims of the 1700s in Russian. 

We have had a horrific movie season so far this year... with a lot of retreads, a lot of 80s nostalgia, and a lot of some other thing that is as crappy and unwatchable as my grandparents humping. Because grandma died 5 years ago. So that's an old man and a corpse having sex, just to be clear. Not watchable is my point.

Seriously. You would think I'd be able to at least go see The A-Team and write incredibly insightful witty things about what a tool Bradley Cooper is, or I could call Liam Neeson "Qui-Gon Jinn" and we could all laugh and laugh and laugh...but even my jokes about this summer's crop of turds seems hollow and empty and forced. A reminder that for every "your mom" joke there a dozen movies that are so distasteful that even thinking about them makes me sleepy. Why the hell did they release them all this summer? All at once. Jonah Hex? Are you kidding me? A fifth-rate comic book movie starring Megan Fox and a horse-mounted gattling gun and a protagonist that is so horribly disfigured that Rocky Dennis would be all "Whoa, Dude. Maybe you should get that looked at. It's making me uncomfortable to look at you."? I'm serious. I've never watched so much porn on the internet because I had no interest in the theaters before.

Marmaduke? Killers? Shrek Forever After? Sex and the City 2? Ugh. Looking back at the list is like a cancer patient looking back at the things they've survived so far. I hate to be so negative because no one likes a gloomy Gus, but please Hollywood...for the love of all that is holy ...PLEASE get us a good movie soon. We're dying over here.  

Here's the trailer for Knight and Day...just to prove my point. I like how the girl (Diaz) is always screaming and confused. It's like we're out on one of my first dates. Also the implication that girls are noisy and stupid is terrific because that's exactly the kind of message I want to send to my daughter. "Whenever life gives you lemons, scream and cry and wait for a man to save you." Perfect.  The Father of the Year Committee will be taking nominations until October...just in case you were interested.







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Comments

Holly

I agree- there are lots of horrible movies out right now. I will say though that my family is so very much looking forward to The Last Airbender. We all love the show and have high hopes for the movie. M. Night better not have screwed it up.

Karen

While I agree with much of what you said as far as choices so far this summer - which ugh is right - I got to see a sneak of this movie last weekend. And let me be completely candid - this was the best Tom Cruise movie he has starred in, in a long time. (I don't count Tropic Thunder b/c he didn't star in that. But if he gets a sequal movie off that, I'm going to cry.) Anyways, this movie was funny - not Oscar worthy - but funny. It's probably worth a matinee.

DianaCLT

I've seen 2 good movies this year, and they were both meant for my kids: How to Train Your Dragon, and the newest Shrek. Looking forward to Toy Story 3.




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