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The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (At PSYCHOS!)

Bachelorette-ali   Last week we met the schmoes "vying" for Ali's "heart." This week we get our first group date. The excitement (nausea) never stops, so let's get started!

Hey cats and kittens! Last week, we survived 25 psychologically questionable dorks introducing themselves to Ali, our ever so typical perky blond ex-Facebook employee. This week, we're down to 17, which is FINE BY ME, getting these toolboxes straight has given me a pain that never ceases. 


Ali-fedotowsky-bachelorette-chris-harrison
 

 Harrison beckons the gentlemen to the living room! In the end only one will win, and this week there will be 2 individual and one group date, 3 dudes will be safe. If you don't get a rose on the one on one, you go straight home. Thanks Harrison! Back to your unmarked van with ye. 

Methhead Frank's chosen first for the one on one. Oh my god, his meth eyes are even more prominent with his glasses off. He's like Cyclops from X-Men. Put the glasses back on before you burn us all! Good news? We could get rid of Frank right now, but god doesn't like me that much.

Ali giggles that she's keeping an open mind and she got a second chance at love (drink) she wants to know if Frank's the one, and blah. 

Frank and Ali are off in a '57 Chevy, *gasp*, and the other guys watch and pick Frank apart like vultures. Frank is cruising for a brusing if he gets back from the date alive. These bastards are ruthless. They're also "Woo" ing aaaaaaall the time, and I was going to go ahead and say drink for that, but you'd be in ICU by the first commercial. DO NOT drink when the dudes "woo" please. They go (slowly) down the highway, and Frank says he's honored Ali picked him. everything's perfect! What could go wrong? Producers?

The car breaks down. Of course it does. Ali giggles like, OMG, and Frank says that he guesses he's walking back to the house. I would ask Frank point blank if he knew enough about cars to even ATTEMPT to open the HOOD, but that doesn't happen. What will they do?  OH THE SUSPENSE! perfect time for....

Commercials! Marmaduke. Oh Luke Wilson. What did we ever do you?

We're back at the dead car. Ali says they're walking to the date and abandoning the car. Frank's so high that I almost believe they really DO walk to Hollywood and don't go in the production van, which they obviously do, because that is preposterous to anyone who has ever even had a layover in LA, much less lived or visited there, so yeah, they hop in the unmarked van. Don't lie, Ali, it makes the baby Jebuddah cry.

Hollywood is as gross as I remember it to be, so of course Ali and Frank love it. Ali loves that Frank was uncomfortable but went along with it anyway. He thinks they're a couple already. Frank is delusional, and high as a kite, so, you know, status quo.  

Back at the house, Justin is still the villain du jour. He's a liar! Because he didn't say he was a professional wrestler! Craig R is angry! Craig R is a shmoe. I still like Justin, and he holds his own, as he did last week. 

Back at the Scooby Van, (the production van, which looks like the Scooby van to me, and if that is true, I want a dating show with all the production dudes from this show. Because that's awesome.) Ali and Frank are breaking into a fence containing a a rockslide and hopefully someone will get horribly mangled and all sorts of dead. Oh, they're at the Hollywood sign. How romantic, watching the smog over LA from such a height. 

Ali wants to know all about Frank. And the bets start flooding in as to if he'll spill that he lives with the 'rents. I put a $20 on "no fucking way." So Frank started screenwriting and quit his job to go to Paris for a month. Now? He's in retail and he writes. AND HE LIVES WITH HIS PARENTS. You forgot that part, Frank! A career will always be there, love won't. Drink, please. Ali often loses track of that idea and loves that Frank would remind her of that. They smooch. Drink. And go to...

Commercials! Visa debit. The easiest way to spend all your hard earned dough on Toy Story paraphernalia. 

The gearheads from the crew have fixed the car, and the kids will finish their date necking there. They picnic on top of the Chevy and drink. Ali teases him with the rose. Frank lies that he wasn't thinking about the rose. he thanks Ali for flattering him with the first date. She says there's nothing normal about ol' Frank. She means boring. She says she isn't normal either. WHAT? Ali, I hate to break it to ya, babe, but you're the most normal chick in all the lands and into the seas. Sorry for the reality check, but there we are. You? Are painfully, agonizingly, mind-numbingly normal. At least Frank has a massive drug addiction. Get addicted to pills and then tell me you're not normal, Ali.  

Back at the house, the boys are drunk. They get the group date card. "Picture us together." Craig of the bad toupee is now the villain and rightfully so. Everyone is bickering, and it sounds like chickens. Chris L from Cape Cod is wisely staying out of it. Everyone hates Craig Hairplugs. He needles all the dudes. There's going to be a fight, seriously. Roberto wisely stays out of it. Jonathan says Craig Hairplugs is no good. This is an ongoing theme, so get used to it. Jonathan NEVER ONCE shuts up about Craig Hairplugs the entire show. I think Jonathan the Weatherman is in love with Craig Hairplugs. Make out! 

Back on the date, Frank says it's going to be hard seeing her with the other dudes. Ali's done with games, and she's crazy about Frank, and he's obvs getting a rose, so drink as Ali gushes and will you accept this rose knowing that I'm going on other dates? He'll handle it knowing that they have a connection. they smooch again. Drink. This is the best first date Frank's ever had. Ali was unsure before, but she wasn't expecting the level of romance that happened. Frank makes her believe everything she's looking for is possible. Vom. And...

Commercials! Ah HA! An ad for a mascara that I've already tried! Lash Stiletto? Clumps. The more you know, kids.  

Malibu! Ali's still yakking about Frank. she has to impress 12 guys today. Poor baby. The schmoes WOAH the way to a bikini'ed Ali. I hope they all drown. Poor Justin is hopping down the stairs to the sand on his crutches. They're doing a men's photo shoot for a Sexy Guy Calendar. Sold in your local stores! I'll be sure to go to Spencer's Gifts and get one right now. Poor Justin is still hopping. No one cares about Justin. They get into hair and makeup and Ali gets to watch them get photoed. She giggles and drinks. I haaaaaaaate her.

Craig Hairplugs is a douche, sayeth Jonathan. Every dude is wearing ridic banana hammocks. They all worry about their peens and the size of them in of course, competition with the others. Because this is a high school locker room. I dry heave. Ali drinks and laughs. Jonathan is freaking out with insecurity. Of course he's getting a banana hammock. He says no and whines. Steve interviews that Jonathan's a pussy. Jonathan has no abs OR shoulders , but he wears the hammock. he gets brownie points with Ali for toughing it out. Craig the Douche douches all over the place. The dudes hate him. Kirk especially in this particular moment. Tyler V loves Ali. Where he suddenly came from or why we care is a mystery. The guys are all twitterpated. Ty southerns that there are 11 other dudes and you have the make things happen, so he plays a guitar that magically appeared (thank you, producers,) and sings to Ali. Well played Ty! Ali is googoo eyed about it. The other guys are furious that Ty has STEALTH MUSICAL GAME. Ali is smitten. Jonathan wants to warn Ali about Craig Hairplugs. Justin can't play in the water because of his cast and everyone ignores him and jumps in, including Ali. That's a sweet and touching image to go to...

Commercials! There's 40 gigs of fanciness in the new Buick. My Kia is burgundy and only has a few scratches. Jealous? I know. 

Date's not over yet! There's still a rose to give. Justin needs to bring his A-game. Ty thinks he's got this in the bag. But he's TAINTED! DIVORCED! Ali needs to know, Ty agonizes, and he tells her. Ali gets meth eyes. His divorce wasn't too bad, he wasn't perfect, and learned about give and take, he's learned enough to be a good husband now. Ali is pleased that he was honest. Good play #2, Ty! WHAT is with his necklace? He definitely bought it at a mall kiosk. 

Craig Hairplugs is poison, crows Jonathan, and please, we get it. Jonathan does martial arts, and will smack Craig down. Jonathan doesn't look like he could smack my granny down. He will call Craig out! By tattling to Ali! Jonathan is wearing a white jacket, I feel it's important to note, because it's awful and I'd make fun of it as much as Craig Hairplugs does, and he cockblocks Ty, who takes it gracefully. Jonathan blubbers that Ali looks amazing, he's all googoo. He's a good judge of character and there's a schmuck in their midst. Ali is salivating to know the gossip. It's Craig Hairplugs. She wanted to know. She takes it in stride when Jonathan says Craig's crazy and wants to get in a fight. Ali hugs Jonathan. and he feels relieved that he said something to Ali. He gushes about her more. He's gone beyond speech in the English language. Seriously, there's like, quacking. Craig calls out Jonathan and he's not spilling. Craig is a douche, and keeps calling Jonathan "Weatherman" and needling him. Wow. Everyone is drinking a LOT. Hairplugs is an egomaniacal jerkoff. Shots for everyone, because that will make everything better.

Doorbell! The Four remaining dudes, one date. Cufflinks arrive for Jesse, who's going on the one on one. My boys Roberto and Chris from Cape Cod get no dates, but I think that's a good sign. It means she already has a good impression of them.

Justin's going to cockblock and go after Ali. She seems pleased. She's confident about him. The guys are pissed. He'll do anything for her. Dolphin Boy snarks! At least I think he does. I really can't understand Dolphin Boy at all. Ali is totes into Justin. They snuggle and flirt. The boys are ripshit and drink some more.

Rose time! She's giving it to Ty of the great game. Well done, Ty! Justin is disappointed. Justin thinks Ty is fake. Jealous much? Jonathan is here for Ali, and if she keeps Craig Hairplugs, that means Jonathan is done. 

Commercials! Johnny Depp in Wonderland! Buy the dvd. Hey! I saw my first blu-ray this weekend! It was all vair exciting, in a "oh, so it's just another dvd" kind of way. I got in trouble for that comment. 

Jesse is hot, (he seems a little slow to me, but who am I to judge? Oh wait, I get to judge as much as I want.) Ali wants to get to know him better. He's stoked, but he packs his bags just in case. he's wearing the cufflinks. And a suit. Not just the cufflinks, although that would be awesome. They're at the airport. Private jet, fantasy day. Woot. 

Ali cannot walk in her heels, but neither can I. And they're going to Vegas. Long way from Missouri, waxes Jesse. he's never been on a private jet, she's terrified of flying. We went over this with Jakey in Bachelor-ville. She still hates flying. She grabs Jesse's leg and they're off! Ali is wigging. but says she feels safe with Jesse and she appreciates that. She's pulling out the stops and it's ANOTHER fancy car. A Ferrari, I'm told. Sure why not. Got in trouble for that one too. She's off and crazy and Jesse's turned on by the hot chick driving like a lunatic in the hot car. Vegas!

I'm sure they're not having the fun that MamaPop had in Vegas, but they're going to a fancy place called Liquid to go swimming, and they have the pool all to themselves. Ooooh, Jesse is really tattooed, nice. They eat oysters. Jesse thinks it tasted like shit with lemon, and Ali laughs. Okay, that was funny. They frolic in the pool, and Ali has more surprises in store. But if he doesn't get a rose, he's staying in Vegas in the unmarked van. 

Commercials! Alton Brown wants me to drink grape juice, and I listen to Alton. You should too. Grape juice for everyone! 

Ooh, Jesse looks hott in a suit, and they're off to dinner and hopefully a rose. Ali trods down the stairs in a toga. It looks like a losing ProjRun design. They're in a suite for dinner. Ali wants to know if there is there a connection beyond "nice guy?" I don't think Jesse's too deep, dudes. He calls out the rose, which may be a good or bad idea, proclaims everything is amazing, he's going to loosen up.

Back at the house, the guys whine. OH GOD, Jonathan's whining about Craig again. Craig is being horrid, and the guys egg him on, woo-ing. Dudes, the bullied kid is gonna snap. I start humming Pearl Jam's Jeremy.  

Back on the date, there are only 3000 people in Peculiar, MO. Less in Ali's town! this is beyond thrilling, really guys. The point is that Ali is totally giving him the rose, because he's genuine and "a solid guy" and everything is awesome. Seriously, that dress is awful, it's heavy and bejeweled and icky. One more surprise! It's some dude playing the piano just for them to dance. How nice. The singer is fair to middlin. I guess we're supposed to know who he is? I don't care in the slightest, and I assure you, you don't either. This was the best first date of Jesse's life, he proclaims.

Would *I* like to be on an upcoming season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette? I'd rather be eaten by wild chihuahuas, thanks. 

At the house, the remaining dudes wax non-poetic about the rose ceremony. Frank's safe, Jesse's safe, Ty is safe. Who's going home? Ali's in another toga. This one's short but still bedazzled and tacky. She promises dates with the shunned. Chris gets some one on one because he didn't get a date. He's a knucklehead. They both say wicked! So do I! Go Red Sox! They have Massachusetts in common. Chris is def. a Mass. boy. Come to the Cape, he loves it there. he's toughing it out even though he didn't get a date. They hug. Chris's dad said to find the common ground, and they did. Roberto is next. Will his game be as good? She apologizes. Ali looooooooooves Roberto. They giggle and blush. He travels, he plays baseball, and wants to play catch with her. Ali thinks he's easy to talk to and gets a great impression from him. Baseball is part of his life. They play catch and it's adorbs. Roberto is totes safe. Solid. Game. And I ain't talking baseball. 

Oh god, the boys WITH roses are kvetching, especially Frank. DOLPHIN BOY! She does the "no date, so sorry" speech to him, and Dolphin Boy gets cockblocked by Frank, who already HAS a rose, and the guys are pissed. Frank calls Ali his girlfriend. Um, back off, Frank. They smooch. Everyone is furious. Drink. Everyone. Drink. Please. These dudes are so catty they should have gone to my all-girls high school. John C and Roberto bitch about Frank. 

Commercials! Tom Cruise and Cam Diaz. Stupid new spy movie. I don't care so very much that I actually pass out for a second.

MORE bitching about Craig Hairplugs from Jonathan. OMG We GET IT. There's gonna be a fight. especially if the drinks keep flowing, which they do. Ali grabs Jonathan. and he WHINES MORE about gossip, and the other dudes. Craig is dangerous. we get it. Ali gets it. My dead granny gets it. here's Craig! He's a cokehead, dude. He's also plowed. Does he really like Ali? He's not making eye contact, he seems uncomfortable. His body language is FAIL. Craig is FAILING. he hasn't asked a single question of Ali. Craig stammers. Ali drops the "someone called you dangerous" bomb. Craig is WILD eyed, and too drunk to make sense. He faaaaaaaaaaaails at life. There's totes gonna be a fight. Craig didn't even compliment Ali. So let's recap: He's drunk, high, psycho, ugly, everyone hates him and he has no game. So glad he's still there, rilly. 

Commercials! Taylor Swift shills for Sony. Screaming fans. Whatever, I tend to get yelled at when I make fun of Taylor Swift, so...oh wait, I don't care. Girl can't sing. Yeah, I said it.

Fight! Fight! Fight! Craig calls everyone out and says that someone told Ali he was dangerous. He wants to know who it was. He calls out Jonathan. He says it doesn't matter who said it basically saying that it was him. I AM SO BORED SOMEONE KNOCK SOMEONE ELSE OUT. Jonathan tells him to grow up. Craig is a douche. Someone hit someone. Now. The other guys are LOVING this. I demand fisticuffs!

HARRISON! Thank BABY JEBUDDAH. It's time for the rose ceremony. Jonathan says there's no god if Craig gets a rose. But first! 

COMMERCIALS! Pristiq will cheer you up if you have depression, if it doesn't make you suicidal. Ya know, Fifty-fifty. 

Finally! Rose ceremony! Ali needs to stay true to herself. Harrison, says three are going home. here's Ali in her tacky toga. she's feeling connections, but some people have to go! Roses! Dolphin Boy gets #1! Hunter, Roberto, of course, Chris L, Justin, much to the chagrin of all the dudes, Steve, Kirk gets a rose, so does John C. Craig the schlub gets one, Chris N, and Jonathan gets the last one! that means Craig the douche, Tyler V, and Chris H are going home! Tyler's bummed, Craig is drunk, and we don't even get an exit interview with Chris, so forgettable he is.

Next week we party with the Barenaked Ladies, Ali slaps someone, much to my delight, and goes bungee jumping with Roberto! Ah, it was the love of the bungee that cemented Jakey and Vienna! Will it do the same for Roberto and Ali? Either tune in or just wait for my recap (more likely) to find out!







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Comments

Suzy Q

I tuned in (but was not turned on) just in time to see the Dental Douchebag and the Wimpy Weatherman duke it out at the No-K Corral. What the fuck is UP with these guys? WW looked like he was actually pissing in his panties, whilst the Douche strutted around all, "Wanna piece of me? EH?" like he flunked out of Fonzie School.

I doubt Jesse can even spell "Vegas" despite the many signs on the road. If he has a total of three working brain cells, I'll eat my cat.

I notice that Ali is drunkity ALL of the time, but I also realized I can't blame her. She's dull and really needs something, anything, to make her sparkle. If it's champagne (and wine and more wine), then so be it.

Emily

Point the first: Your recaps = sunshine and awesomeness.

Point the second: FOUR dudes named Chris? Don't they know it's hard enough to follow who's who anyway...what with all the drinking we have to do?

Angela

Someone else pointed this out to me and if, by chance, you still have the episode on your DVRs you should check out the crappy editing... Just before Chris comes out to say "This is the final rose of the evening" there is a shot of the Weatherman and the Hair Guy... Weatherman is ALREADY WEARING A ROSE... then Ali calls his name, he gets the rose and the camera pans back to the rest of the guys - most of whom do not have roses yet.

I'm sure it's not the first time it's happened, but it certainly was the first time I noticed it (after it was pointed out, of course :)!!

Life of a Doctor's Wife

I tried to watch this episode and it made me realize that I have newfound respect for your ability to not smother yourself with a pillow every week!

I did, however, catch that delightful scene with Craig the 47-year-old-"34"-year-old and Ali, where she told him he sucks and has bad body language and doesn't give her enough attention. That was funsters!

As usual, love love love your recaps.

Txtingmrdarcy

I think that Ali should have taken the rose from Jesse and pinned it on Jamie Cullum (the singer. you do want to know him, he's vair sexy and british, and does a mind-blowing cover of "Please Don't Stop the Music."). Even though he is totes already married. It would be worth a shot.




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