The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT ICE SNAKES!)

 Tonight! We go to Iceland, where it is cold. Dolphin Boy goes more insane, and we see another side of The Wrestler. Sadly, it's not his tushie side. That and SO MUCH MORE tonight on The Bachelorette!

 Ty can't believe he's going to Iceland. Now that they're here, though, he's ready for love. Dolphin Boy thinks that Iceland is the best place to show off the tattoo of crazy. Robbo is here for Ali. I am here to wait for the Icelandic Tourism Board to call me, or else, the country will be simply "the place with all the snow." Everyone's here for Ali, blah blah, we get it. 

 

Speaking of Ali, she gives us the tourist lowdown of Iceland, including the erupting volcano that disrupted air travel all over the place. Didn't seem to affect their travel, though, sadly. I would have loved to have seen how these guys would have handled 48 hours in JFK airport. THEN their true colors would have come out. Hey ABC! New show! The Bachelorette: Stuck At Customs. It'll be a hit!

The guys meet Harrison and wax brilliantly that it's cold. In Iceland. Well, no one said this was a battle of the minds. This week: Group date, 1 on 1 and a 2 on 1. The 2 on 1? Two dorks enter, one dork leaves. JUST LIKE THUNDERDOME. THAT would be awesome! HEY ABC!!!! The Bachelorette! Beyond Thunderdome! YES. Anyway, The one on one? Write a love poem, with an Icelandic word, and she chooses the wiener. Um, winner. How adorable. 

The boys are all wearing hats, which make them even HARDER to tell apart, dammit, but Dolphin Boy is right there being crazy. His poem should be grand. I wonder if he'll write it in blood. Then we learn about the guys! They can write! And read! But not Icelandic, so there are wacky hijinks with harrassing the locals about their native tongue. CHRIS N! You're from Orlando! I've NEVER seen your chyron before! Well, that probably means nothing, since you say absolutely nothing of importance. Anyway, when we return, there will be poetry. Oh, thank Jebuddah for...

Commercials! Oh Wipeout. They run this commercial every break, and I never ever know what to say. I wonder if this show is on in other countries. This is how Americans are portrayed, people. I shudder. 

We're back! It's cold. IN ICELAND. *headdesk* Craig the Schmoe schmoes all over the place, and I don't care what he has to say and neither do you. Seriously, why is this dude still here?  Ty thinks Ali looks cute in her boots and hat. I'm a fan of her mittens, personally.

Schmoe is first. He thinks his poem was outstanding. He made up his Icelandic words. Wocka wocka.

Dolphin Boy: Literally Flippers so badly that he needs SUBTITLES. It still makes no sense, even with the subtitles. I am so glad the rumor that DB was partially Deaf was false, because MAN, I would have felt like an asshole. Nope, this is REALLY how he talks. Like a bottlenose dolphin. Just not as bright.

The other guys Dr. Seuss terribly. Chris N nightmarishly biffs and the other guys cringe. Thank you editors, we get it. He's going home tonight. That isn't a spoiler, that's just because I've watched television before. 

Then there's Kirk. He has game. More game than anyone else. He has the whole World Series AND the Super Bowl.  He goes right up to Ali, and he's totally got the date, because I've seen the previews. Frank was pretty good, but Kirk was first, and so he gets it. Duh. I crave Ali's adorbs hat. I actually would love to be in Iceland right now, because it's 90 degrees outside and I hate it with every fiber of my being. CALL ME, Icelandic tourist board! 

Commercials: I'd tell you what happened, but my kitten Finn? Is, hand to Jebuddah, kneading my face and nursing on my top lip. Is this in the REALM of normalcy? It's cute as hell, but more than a little weird. His breath is pretty bad too. 

Hey, we're back! Ali's stoked about her date with Kirk. They laugh about how weird it is that their first date is in Iceland. They go clothes shopping for sweaters and buy the same outfit. Oh retch. They frolic with Icelandic geese. Blah blah, she can see herself with him. Kirk is in the top three, unless he has a DEEP DARK SECRET. Oh please, little Jebuddah in his denim diapers, let there be a deep dark secret. 

Kirk's history! YES! Okay, he hasn't ever dated a woman for more than a year. SERIAL DATER. That's good!  Ali is put off by that. Even better! She wants to know more. Yes please!

The group date card comes and everyone goes but Dolphin Boy and the Wrestler. The Wrestler is pumped. DB not so much. They will be in the Thunderdome date. Methhead Frank is called "Frank the Tank" by one of the guys for some reason that I do not understand, as I think my granny could take Frank in a fight, and she's been dead for quite some time. 

Commercials! The Nissan Altima is a fine car. I had a ciggie fly back into my Kia the other day and burn the back of my driver's seat. And my monkey shirt. And my back. Good times! Don't litter, people. It bites you in the ass. Or burns you in the back. One of those. 

Ali feels Kirk is hiding something. No roses for people who are hiding things! Five years ago he got wicked sick. Didn't know if he was gonna make it kind of sick. After 40 specialists, they found out the frat house he was living in was full of mold and asbestos. It (the illness) prioritized his life. So when Ali said that she was looking for someone who would insipire her to be a better person, it touched him. What it doesn't do? IT DOESN"T TELL US WHY HE'S NEVER DATED ANYONE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR. But the plan works, and he gets the rose. More schmoopiness. WHY ARE YOU A SERIAL DATER, KIRK? The world may never know. 

Back at the hotel, Frank confronts DB on his crazy. Frank's meth eyes are concerned. He gives DB a pep talk, but DB is batshit insane. If he goes home, it'll destroy him. The foreshadowing is beating a dead horse with a hammer, screaming "DO YOU GET IT?!?!?!?"

Commercials! The Droid looks pretty fierce. Hey , my birthday is next week! Who wants to get me a Droid?

Today the six dudes are going to the volcano to get thrown in one by one. Just kidding. (Maybe,) They go horseback riding, and Ty is the man when it comes to horses. We get amazing views of Iceland. Cape Cod Chris is a nightmare on a horse, which Ali laughs about. 

There's a cave. CCC and Ty aren't too excited about that. CCC wonders if snakes are next. Hee. ICE SNAKES. This week on SyFy! (It's just a matter of time, people.) 

Oooooh, back at the house, Justin is off crutches and into a walking boot! It's his "first ace." Dolphin Boy's tattoo is ace #2. Ace #3, which is left unsaid, is of course, that Justin has a semblance of sanity and doesn't talk to gnomes that live in his head. Ace #4, is, of course, Ace Frehley. 

Ty is aces back on the date, but CCC goes down the hole first. Ah, in a nice play, he gives Ali his gloves. Excellent. the rest of the boys go down into the cave and explore, and I have SEEN The Descent and this is DEEPLY UNCOOL. I would be wigging out. Cave monsters! Cave monsters eating your FACE!!!! 

 _{Oh noes! Not the ice snakes! OWIE!!!!!}

Oh MAN. Ali makes a comment about Frank lagging on the date, and that it's his choice if he wants to be an ass, she's got plenty of peen to concentrate on. SNAP!

Commercials! Laugh your ass off on Wednesdays on ABC. Or do what we do around these parts and watch Top Chef. Whatever floats yer boat. 

HOT TUB TIME MACHINE! Naw, it's a hot springs. The Blue Lagoon is not full of a pre-teen Brooke Shields, but an AWESOME place. Ali drops her snowsuit and is in a bikini. Slick, Ali. I mean, producers. The dudes cannot get out of their clothes fast enough, even though the shrinkage must be EPIC. The boys see the rose and start plotting. CCC is jealous of Ty. And he should be, for he and Ali have swum out together and are cuddling in the water. Next for cuddling is CCC, and they speak of past relationships, and how CCC has changed for girls, but isn't now. The remaining guys are seething. Frank's meth eyes are getting bigger. He's going absolutely apeshit. 

Back at the hotel, the Wrestler and DB are practically lightsaber fighting with their peens. Kirk brings in the date card. The Wrestler is outdoing himself in smacking down DB verbally, just as they teach in wrestling school. (I know this to be a fact. Don't ask me why.)

Ali asks Frank why he disappears on group dates and tells him to step the fuck up. Word. Frank sees the light. He needs to be more visible. As for the rose, it's frozen solid. "Like the Beauty and the Beast rose!" Ali squeals. Not really. Don't talk to ME about Beauty and the Beast lore, missy. Oh, the rose obviously goes to Ty. COME ON, CCC and Robbo! Frank knows the deal now, it's your turn! You gotta step UP on the group dates!

Commercials: Juno and Leo diCaprio. Inception. Lots of explosions. It's The Matrix, basically, but you know, with Juno and Leo.

It's the Dolphin Boy/Wrestler showdown! Justin's bringing his A-game. Ali's stoked that Justin's off the crutches. They're off in a ubiquitous helicopter to see a volcano that I will describe once I get a phone call. Now the helicopter is landing ON the volcano. Holy crap. They get wicked close to the damn thing. Justin is looking to push DB over the edge of both the volcano and his last wisps of sanity.  

Commercials: Hebrew National hot dogs. When you don't want any butt-parts in your wiener.

Dolphin Boy yaps about how beautiful everything is and how he's getting a rose. They go into a cave and everything is made of ice. Justin is here for the win. They chat. He's always up for a challenge. DB sits pitifully in the snow and paranoids that Justin's going to talk shit about him the whole time. In contrast,The Wrestler's got GAME. He's talking about all the right things. He is SUCH a wrestler. Oh god, he IS an asshole! I was duped, people. I thought he was just fun, but he's in it for the game. Douche. I was suckered. 

DB, on the other hand, is still insane. He's about to show the tattoo, but he really needs to blow his nose first. STOP SNIFFLING. He shows her the tattoo. She yells "Your mom is going to kill you!" She's totally freaked out. There's no kiss going on. She's edging away. He's doomed. DB thinks it proves his sincerity. Ali thinks it proves how certifiable he is. It's time, in the middle of the snow and wilderness, for the decision. 

AND IT'S JUSTIN! "Something just wasn't there" with Dolphin Boy, and he's left by the helicopter for the ice snakes. HISS!!!!!!!

Ali's 100% convinced she did the right thing, but she feels like shit leaving DB  on the glacier. It IS pretty rough, dude. Ice snakes are notoriously tuff. Justin, in an interview, laughs evilly. Oh, the producers are CREAMING themselves over this. It's great. 

Commercials! I get hysterical phone calls about the show, so we're skipping. 

Off to the cocktail party! Ali still feels bad. Frank doesn't feel bad, so he whisks her away. See, he LISTENS and he stepped up his game! Well done! He says that Ali's smart, and he's glad she called him out on his sad-sack-ness on the group date. Methhead Frank is back on track. They smooch. 

The Schlub is nervous. He lies to Ali that he loves the group dates. But he got something for her. He has drawn a tattoo on his wrist in ballpoint pen. Okay, that's mean and really, really funny. I will call him Craig for the remainder of this recap in honor of this joke. 

Chris N the Enigma! Is bombing. If he doesn't finally get the axe tonighht I will be SHOCKED. But he will, because: Television. We've met.  

CCC's number one priority is opening up. So he thinks he'll be fine doing anything as long as he's with the woman he loves. He'll collect trash in SF. He'll just be lucky if he ends up awesome like his dad. Aw. 

Robbo takes Ali out in the snow. Ali would never approach him, he's too hot. He blushes. They smooch. Robbo is the MAN, if Ali isn't too intimidated by him. Or, you know, deep dark secret.  

Harrison! Time for the rose ceremony. Well this is easy. Chris N is out, right? I think it's just one dude leaving and it HAS to be him. He's got to be a producer's cousin or something to have made it this far. 

Commercials! USE SUNSCREEN. DUH. that's really all these commercials need to say. 

Harrison puts on his concerned face and wants to talk about Dolphin Boy. Ali thinks that DB was in love with the idea of being in love. Harrison zings Ali with the "You're afraid to fall in love" and she cops that she IS afraid. She thinks she'll get there. She's not sure. She thinks so. Maybe. Hopefully. Kinda. Oh get off the FENCE, Ali! Listen to Harrison!! Man, Harrison needs to be the new Dr. Drew. I love you, Chris Harrison!!!!

Ali's afraid that she's going to choose someone who will leave her. Ah, there's the rub. And I feel Ali in this one. That's a scary ass thought. But then again, that's why we don't go on GAME SHOWS to find a HUSBAND, do we, my beloved little squirrels?

Commercials! Colossal Lashes with collagen. It's okay, it's not the greatest mascara, it's a little smudgy, but it doesn't clump. Oh, and your lashes don't look like they do in the commercial, shocker. Um. Not that it's one of the thousands of mascaras in my makeup bag. 

Rose Ceremony. Kirk, Ty and Justin are safe. Four roses, five dudes. They should just let Harrison do this, shouldn't they? He's the goddamn guru. Come ON, WE ALL KNOW THAT CHRIS N IS OUT. Let's GO, I have things to DO! Frank is #1 for stepping up his game. CCC is #2 for being a good lad. Robbo is #3 for being HAWT. And the last rose goes to Craig, because we don't know anything about Chris N, I mean, he could be a stagehand for all we know. That was the biggest non-shocker in all the lands. Sorry dudes, I don't even have witty things to say, he was THAT boring. Off to the Icelandic unmarked van, which is tragically not a dog sled, with him. He thinks Ali missed out on a lot about him. Yeah, that you actually work for craft services? Please. You were a placeholder, dude. Easiest rose ceremony ever. Have fun with the ice snakes. 

It's just going to get harder, quoth Ali, and their next stop is ISTANBUL NOT CONSTANTINOPLE. Next week, BIG FUCKING DRAMA! Someone's getting yelled at! Someone's leaving on his own! Someone's not taking it like a man! (I was spoiled for this, which DESTROYED ME, so you won't hear a peep from over here.)

 THESE RECAPS ARE A SPOILER-FREE ZONE PEOPLE!!!!!!! Seriously, NO SPOILERS in the comments. 

See ya next week!

Comments

[Dawn]

DB needed to go in the WORST WAY but I actually felt bad for him standing 'all alone' on a glacier. It really was quite pitiful.

And I'm liking CCC. A lot. My first thought was Justin was the holder of the deep.dark.secret! But maybe it's Robbo since he is waaaaay to hot for there proceedings!

[Fawn Amber]

OK. No spoilers. Sigh.

I could not live without these recaps. Like, for serious. I love you.

Was I the only one cackling maniacally at the sight of pitiful DB waving at the helicopter as it left him on the mountainside? Just me?

The first thing I thought of with the caves was The Descent as well and HELL NAW HELL NAW HELL NAW you wouldn't catch me going there. I have goosebumps just thinking about that shit.

[Dawn]

Gah, that would be 'too hot' and 'these'. I apparently need some sort of pick me up and just had a slice of red velvet cake so if the Red 40 doesn't do it, I don't what will.

[Kat]

You don't think that the producers totally made Justin say all that "Rated R" crap? I could practically hear them coaching him so that people would doubt him and label him "He who is not Here for the Right Reasons." That championship belt metaphor was SO. FUCKING. SCRIPTED. I think they're editing him for drama. I want to know the rest of his conversation with Ali that they muted with voiceovers.

Then again, I do have a bit of a wrestler problem. Maybe he is a douche.

Much love,
~k

[Kat]

You don't think that the producers totally made Justin say all that "Rated R" crap? I could practically hear them coaching him so that people would doubt him and label him "He who is not Here for the Right Reasons." That championship belt metaphor was SO. FUCKING. SCRIPTED. I think they're editing him for drama. I want to know the rest of his conversation with Ali that they muted with voiceovers.

Then again, I do have a bit of a wrestler problem. Maybe he is a douche.

Much love,
~k

[thedutchgirl]

Thanks for the outstanding recap! It was far better than this episode, which was a total snoozefest. DB was PAINFUL.

I'm anxiously awaiting next week's drama-filled episode. Also, I'm a geek.

[Suzy Q]

Ice snakes? Haaaaaaaaaaa! I only saw about 4 minutes of this dreck last night, so this recap did me good. As will a glass or three of wine later.

Also, have you tired the new Maybelline mascara in the green tube that's supposed to help your eyelashes accomplish their full glory which God intended? No, I don't remember the name of it; I rely on YOU, Miss B. I need to know before I run out and buy it, which, yes, will be difficult since I can't remember the name!

[Suzy Q]

tired, tried, whatevs.

[Tracy]

Dude! I can't believe you didn't say anything about how blotto Ali was at the Blue Lagoon! I was laughing my ass off, and I thought, I can't wait for the recap tomorrow! It was classic.

[Dawn]

Between the drizzzzzunk Ali at the lagoon and "I like Mexican food", this was the best episode ever. Can't wait for next week!