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The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT MAN-CRYING!)

Bachelorette-ali  Hello, cats and kittens! The nausea doesn't stop, and we're in for MAJOR DRAMZ so let's get started on Zee Bachelorette! 


Jealousy runs rampant! The Barenaked Ladies perform! Ali looks constipated! All tonight on The Bachelorette

Ali-fedotowsky-bachelorette-chris-harrison
 

Harrison takes a break from doing lines off the craft service table to announce the dealio for the week. One group date, two individual dates, one will get a rose on the group, if you don't get one on individuals, you're screwed. And my man Roberto gets first date! John C, who has gotten zippo so far, is pretending to be jolly about getting hosed again. It's not working. 

"Love is a balancing act" quoth the date card, and it's a helicopter ride for Roberto and Ali. The dudes are SEETHING. Ali goes through her "I'm scared of flying, OMG" schtick again, but Roberto plays it perfectly and snuggles her the whole time. Well played, Roberto! Off over LA they go. 

Ali thinks Roberto could be the one. He's MANLY, RAWR. He wants all the adventurous dates. Well, adventure they shall have, for to get to their dinner date, they have to walk a tightrope across two buildings. Stupid and cheesy, but hey, so is this show. 

Back at the whorehouse, the dudes are bummed. So they drink. Enormous honkin' surprise there. Justin is "at a deficit" because of his cast. Sulky sulky whine whine whine moan whine.

Back to the tightrope. Roberto is being SUAVE, baby. He's holding her hand and being super supportive. They pretend like they could fall even though they have more safety harnesses than an infant car seat. I'm not going to front, they are REALLY high up. So what does El Robbo do? He turns ON THE ROPE and smooches her. GAME. He has it. Ali is smitten. Miss Banshee is pretty smitten too. Once they're over at the other building and out of the safety harnesses, Robbo snuggles Ali and says he wants to watch lots of sunsets with her. Is it getting hot in here? Good thing it's time for...

COMMERCIALS! The last time I mentioned that I had never been to a Wendy's people went blind from horror, so I'm definitely not saying that I still haven't been to a Wendy's. I care, people. ABOUT YOU. (And anyone who wants to bring me some Wendy's, cause hot damn that looks good.)

An emergency test signal comes on next, and I totally miss who is going on the group date. "Come Rock My World" sayeth the card. Is Bret Michaels going to be there?!?!!??!  Dolphin Boy thinks it's karaoke. PLEASE let Dolphin Boy sing, that would be awesome. I still want Bret Michaels. 

Back on the date, Robbo brags that he knows like, a million languages, (Spanish is his first language, but he has no accent. He should turn that shit on, yo.) Ali is falling apart emotionally to the point that she worries that she's not sure she's pretty enough for him. Hey Ali! Get that backbone back in place, you're not Katie Holmes! 

They snuggle and smooch. Ali asks Robbo in Spanish to kiss her, and he's totes into that. This? Is a good date, people. What could possibly go wrong? I dunno, let's ask the producers! 

Surprisingly, nothing explodes or breaks and Robbo doesn't say he's wearing a lacy thong, and he gets the rose, big shocker there. There's the thing about Robbo. He's so good that it's hard to make fun of him, which is no fun. BUT!  Coming up? Justin breaks out of the house to find Ali! Stalkerlicious!

Commercials! The all new Sonata will protect you from teenage drivers being idiots on the road. My Kia has kitty litter all over the back seat! Beat THAT! 

Methhead Frank is going on the group date and is super-confident because of their smoochy type date last week. Chris L thinks they're in a rough neighborhood, possibly on gang territory. Not many gangs in Cape Cod, ya know, so I'll give him a marginal pass on that one. John C hears a band! Jonathan recognizes the Barenaked Ladies! Kirk used to listen to them in high school, which makes me feel old. But we must press on! They're all going to be in the video. Woo-ing commences. The song is about a bunch of guys and one chick. How unexpected. The BNL play the song and it's very radio friendly and ballad-y. Frank finds deep meaning in the song. Methhead Frank probably finds deep meaning in sandwiches. The remaining Craig (the Schlub) also finds it meaningful. I find none of this meaningful, because I've heard a radio-friendly ballad before. 

Craig snarks on the Weatherman Jonathan because he has to kiss Ali in a scene in the video. "Just think of it as a weather report! With kissing!" Thanks, Schlub. You're kind of a dick, and let's leave the yuk yukks to the recapper, shall we? Good lawdy let's go to...

Commercials! Oooooh, a "reinvented red" lipstick from Maybelline. God I'm such a sucker for a new cosmetic. Funny, since I work from home in my jimjams every day. And by "funny" I mean "sad."

Frank's going first, much to the delight (not) of the other dudes. the Schlub is cranky about this. Methhead Frank "acts" and rubs lotion ON ITS SKIN OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN. Sorry. Oh. And THIS is where the freaking editing fairies came in. Remember the slapping situation in the previews? It's scripted. Bah.There's no real slap at ALL. Motherfucker. John C gets NO LOVE, randomly, and thanks, editing fairy, I wonder who's going home tonight? Jonathan has to kiss Ali in front of 50 people. He apparently does stage kisses all the time? What? No matter what kind of community theatre production of Guys and Dolls Jonathan has done, he BIFFS the kiss with Ali. It's awkward and terrible. The guys are all giggling like Beavis and Butthead and Jonathan CRIES. Ali takes the reins and kisses poor Jonathan. Deluded Weatherman is deluded, and thinks it's real. There is speculation that this is Jon's first kiss. Rough crowd, dudes. I know *I* enjoy it immensely.

Frank is JEALOUS. Even though Ali's "in bed" with Kirk during the video and TOTES kissing with tongues, Frank is all whiny that he got the real first kiss. Ali and Kirk are GOING AT IT. All the dudes walk out, dejected. Frank feels vair, vair small. Tiny. Especially his rapidly shriveling....well, you know. Manhood. PEEN. FRANK FEELS LIKE HIS PENIS IS VAIR VAIR SMALL. Which it probably is. I am so unkind! Lay off the meth and maybe your peen will grow back, Frank. Just saying. 

Commercials. Telescopic Explosion Mascara! I've tried THAT one too! It clumps. When I find a good one, y'all will be the first to know, I swear, promise, wrote it in your yearbook. Rilly. 

Ali thought the group date was great, and they go to a wrap party at a swank penthouse. Jesse smarms that the view is nothing compared to Ali. Retch. And one on one time goes to my man Chris from Cape Cod! The other dudes compare notes about who kissed Ali during the video. Frank is psychotically jealous. 

Over on the one on one, Cape Cod Chris spills the Dead Mom story cause her signature is his belly tattoo. CCC feels exposed. Ali thinks it's okay that he feels uncomfortable, and they're getting along grand until Weatherman Jon cockblocks to whine about his biffed kiss. He talks over Ali. No game. He asks for a real kiss and the Schlub cockblocks. This does not sway Jon, who is totally delusional. 

Back in the whorehouse, Steve wants that date. WANTS IT. Too bad it goes to Hunter. "Home is where the heart is." Steve from the Cleve is getting nowhere fast and he's pissed. 

Over on the date, Kirk drags Ali to the hottub for more smoochage. It's getting hot and heavy, and Methhead Frank's head is going to explode, dude. Ali waxes non-poetic about Kirk, who is pretty but dim, in my not so humble opinion. Jon the Weatherman sees and he and Methhead Frank are LOSING THEIR MINDS. So all the guys (save Justin re: cast) jump into the pool and ruin Kirk's moment. Not for long though, because Kirk gets the rose. Kirk makes Ali feel funny in her girl parts. Frank makes me feel funny in my "STRANGER DANGER" parts. 

The video they filmed plays, and the theme is that she's running away from all the dudes. I'd run too, Ali. It's very symbolic to Ali, because she has run away in the past. Deep, man, deep. Like a very small puddle. 

Commercials! Remember the time when ice cream "threw you into a tizzy?" Yeah, I think I recall that, it was called "five minutes ago." Breyers, don't be coy. Hand over the ice cream and no one gets hurt. 

At the whorehouse, Justin hatches a plotty scheme. He recalls Harrison's sage advice to use the time you have, and crutches down the road to find Ali's house. Now I have walked on crutches, and dios mio, that's gotta hurt. Gotta give Justin props for this. He's a lunatic and a stalker, of course, but still, props. 

He interrupts Ali's interview about her date with Hunter to put the moves on. He's the real deal. He's here for her. She giggles. It is a total win for Justin. Ali is wicked flattered and loves that he brought family pics with him. He's a mama's boy, and granny's boy, and his dad was MIA until he died. So a father figure is super important to him. Ali melts. Justin hopes that Hunter doesn't slay him for getting in on his time, but what must be done must be done. Justin ain't PLAYIN. 

Hunter packs, and okay, he's....not attractive. Methinks we've got our first one on one dumpage. As he packs, Justin gets a ride back from Ali and says "mission accomplished." This will not end well.

Commercials! Ah, Eclipse It's a birthday prezzie from underage cute boys to ME! 

Back at the whorehouse, Hunter opines that he's going to Ali's house. Too bad Justin's already been there, mahahahahhha! Sucker. Justin is smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Hunter is overly confident, considering that Ali says straight out to the camera that this is make or break for Fuggo Hunter. They're hanging at Ali's and barbecuing. Hunter is boring. He bores me with making hot dogs. He bores me by talking about his parents' divorce. Nothing but boredom. Good thing Ali's at home, she can just take a little snooze when things get too boring. They're even boring in the hot tub. Ali is NOT feeling it. They boringly talk about boring things. Ali thinks something is off. Yeah, he's as dull as dishwater, that's why. Hunter says he moves slowly, and might be blowing it. Yeah, I'd say that's pretty much a given. 

Commercials, take me away! Oooh, it's Rollback Time at Walmart. Speaking of boring. Followed by a sleep aid spot. Hunter is a sleep aid. This whole segment is a snooze-fest. Someone wake me up when everyone starts yelling at Justin. 

Back at the whorehouse, Justin says he'd give up his career for Ali. The other dudes call bullshit. They don't believe he'd give up wrestling for anything. Dolphin Boy calls him out. Justin's already talking kids. Justin's getting emotional. The dreaded Man-Cry is in the house! Dolphin Boy is conflicted re: Justin's intentions once he sees the man-cry. 

Oh god, we're back in the most boring date of all time. Hunter's not used to moving this fast. He wants to break down his walls. Ali doesn't care. She really doesn't. There's no body contact. Ali lays down the law. She wanted to see if they could be comfortable together. She wants to find her husband. She's dumping him. Consider yourself dumped, Hunter. Anything he can do to change that? Nope. There's no romantic connection. Mostly because Hunter is BORING and UGGO. He also keeps calling her "darlin" which rings so false. Off to the unmarked van with him! Hunter's sad. We don't care. MOVING ON. Back at the whorehouse when a teamster picks up Hunter's suitcases, Justin is pleased. All the dudes are pleased. Kirk thinks Justin is gloating. Shut up, Kirk, you're all gloating. 

Commercials! Hey, Garnier Fructis! I use that shampoo! Well, I DID until one of my kittens (Toby) knocked it on the floor and because someone (me) didn't close it properly, it spilled all over the entire land. (The land being my bathroom.) Anyway, it's a nice shampoo if your cat doesn't dump it on the floor. 

Justin totally biffs and almost spills that he went to Ali's. He feels way way confident. Pride goeth before a fall, Justin! Schlubo doesn't think Justin should be so cocky. Ali explains that he didn't see her husband when she saw Hunter. She's stepping up the game! And she wants more time with Cape Cod Chris! They both love oysters and lobsters. They talk about something called "flip cup" which sounds fratty, so I'll leave that one be. While this is happening, Methhead Frank is going more and more insane. Seriously, this whole ep has been shots of Frank losing his shit.  Justin cockblocks CCC and says that things have been challenging at the house, because people have been calling him out. He says again that he wants a wife and a best friend, and that's why he's there. Then OMG Y'ALL. 

Ali totally compares Justin and her to JAKE AND VIENNA. It's AWESOME. No one understood Jakey and Vienna and now no one understands Ali and Justin. What's more awesome is Steve from the Cleve is suddenly macking on Ali with champagne, Of course he can't get the cork out. Dudes, this is not hard. I used to work parties. I can uncork in milliseconds. That sounds filthy. Forget I said anything. 

Oh Ty. Ty doesn't trust Justin. He messes up the title of "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." Oh Ty. So cute. So dim.  Anyway, no one trusts Justin. It's Vienna all over the place. OH SNAP, Justin catches them talking about him. Whoever has anything to say to him? Say it now. OR GET THE RATED R TREATMENT! Goddy, I wish he would say that. There's no use. Ty and the rest of the Get Along Gang hate Justin. Dudes, I rooted for Round Heeled Slut Vienna and I now root for Rated R Justin. I was right before, dudes! Mark my words!!!!!! 

That just completely screwed me, didn't it?

Commercials! That's better. If I see that "going from President of the USA to his parents meeting on a train rewind thing ONE MORE TIME, dudes. It's INESCAPABLE. 

Then my cable conks out for a moment, then another, then another. Uh oh. Okay, so it's 9:40 and I have no picture whatsoever. Let's play pretend! In my pretend Bachelorette world, Justin clotheslines all the douchey guys especially Craig the Schlub with his crutches in true WWE fashion. Oh man, it's now 9:42. I'm in trouble, ain't I? Let's try changing channels back and forth. Shit, that doesn't work either. Um, I guess it's time for the rose ceremony? Being that it's now 9:43? HALP ME SOMEONE!!!!!

I call my mommy. So this is now HER recap. Take it away, mom!  Frank yaps about guys who aren't there for the right reasons, and that the roses mean more and more. Ali's wearing a duvet cover. Ali spills to Roberto that Justin came to Ali's house. She thought they knew. They didn't. Oopsies. What does Robbo care? He has his rose already! He spills to the dudes, who go like bloodhounds to Justin. Justin, to his credit, cops to it. He wants to prove to Ali that he's there for her. Everyone is pissed. Justin calls upon the wisdom of Harrison's hairplugs. He said to do what they had to do. Dolphin Boy thinks it's creepy. Schlub thinks Justin's looking for attention. Justin is getting choked up. AGAIN.

Everyone is still bitching. My mom wants to go to bed. Justin man-cries in silhouette. He's used to playing the villain in wrestling, not really being one. Everyone continues to bitch. Everyone thinks Justin's going home. My mom really really wants to go to bed. 

There's a commercial with a cute dog. Thanks mom.

 Okay, here we go. Here's Harrison. "Hairplugs!" my mom crows. Yes, mom.  9 roses. Here's Ali. Kirk and Roberto are safe. Two are outtie. The duvet cover that Ali is wearing troubles my mother. Ali says it's easier and harder for her all the time, and she knows that there's tension in the house. First rose: Cape Cod Chris. Jesse. Chris N. Ty. Dolphin Boy. Craig the Schlub. Methhead Frank. Jonathan. Last rose. Justin! Off? John C and his incessant whining, and Steve from the Cleve and his inability to uncork. Heh.

Everyone thank my mom for all her help! We'll be back next week without (hopefully) technical difficultly.

...

Miss Banshee would like to thank her mama for making this recap possible. Go to bed now, mom.  







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Comments

Laurie

Dude plays in flip cup tourneys in VEGAS. She was so there with him.

You are awesome, by the way. Stellar once again. You have me from the beginning every week but the Get Along Gang made me cry-laugh.

Fawn Amber

Methinks Justin has a secret. He's just too TOO. Kirk went up a few notches with me last night. Poor Hunter. Poor, poor Hunter. Roberto is still my pick, and CCC is rising.

Lovely, hilarious recap - Love!

Therese

I think ABC should pay you royalties as I never watched the Bachelorette until your recaps. Now I watch so that I can laugh and think to myself, "Oh, I can't wait to see what Miss Banshee has to say about that!"

Life of a Doctor's Wife

Love love love. Even your commercial recaps make me laugh. Stranger Danger - OMG so funny!!!

Becky

I have to agree with Therese that I didn't really watch these shows much before - now I have to so I can hear/see all the people you're talking about.

I'm really confused why she's keeping Jonathan around - does she find wimpiness sexy? The poor boy cried he was so nervous having to kiss her.

And Dolphin Boy's voice sends me over the edge - I almost have to mute it when he starts talking.

Great recap!

PomJob

You really need to get out more. First Wendy's, now flip cup?

Did anyone else lose their poo when the hooded man walked in to remove Hunter's bags?

MB - you missed that the previews show Dolphin Boy singing next week. Score!

thedutchgirl

Great recap, as always! I have only watched the most recent Bachelor and now the Bachelorette, and your recaps make it all worthwhile.

If you are interested, RealitySteve has great spoilers. And he's always right.

Neil

I felt bad for the Barenaked Ladies. How much you want to bet that the video is never seen in public?

Miss Banshee

@erin I stay away from spoilers, and I def. wouldn't put one in a recap. What's better than seeing me be TOTALLY WRONG and make an ass out of myself because I make a bad call?

Laugh at me when I'm wrong. I'm a punk, I can take it.

PS: I still had to wiki "Flip Cup"

Fairly Odd Mother

Your mother helped you with the recap, and I read this aloud to my mother. We've got the intergenerational thing going!

Team Justin here---any guy who can crutch (CRUTCH!) a couple of miles to see a girl is a trooper. A trooper with arms of steel. He probably has great abs too. Unlike some of those dudes.

thedutchgirl

@missbanshee (my day is made because you replied to me!) I understand avoiding spoilers. It is more pure that way, I think. I'm a person who reads the ends of books too, because I have no self-control in that regard, so I can't help myself.

thedutchgirl

Also, yes, I changed my display name. Not confusing at all.




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