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The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT MENTAL PATIENTS)

Bachelorette-ali  Well well well. Here we are again. And to say this particular installment of The Bachelorette is over-dramatic is like saying I like Hostess products. You don't want to miss this one, cats and kittens.

Previously, Roberto had game on a tightrope, we white-boy danced to the Barenaked Ladies, and Methhead Frank was wicked jealous of Kirk, who swapped spit with Ali in the hot tub. And then there was Justin, who everyone hated, especially since he got on his crutches and went to Ali's house to woo her, and no one had gotten the idea first. 

Tonight! We're traveling around the world, starting in NYC, more white boy dancing at The Lion King, and Dolphin Boy LOSES HIS MIND (and his tattoo cherry.) All tonight, on The Bachelorette!

Ali-fedotowsky-bachelorette-chris-harrison
 

Hi Harrison! One group, 2 one on ones. How far would you travel to fall in love? Pack your bags, cause we're all going around the world with Ali, who has already fled to NYC. The boys are "woo"-ing all over the place. How much you wanna bet that the whole "Justin found out where Ali lives" crazy stalking was the impetus for this trip?

Ali's loving NYC. She states that traveling is the best way to know how you click with someone. I beg to differ, it's the day to day monotony that shows how you click with someone, not the ever-changing adventure of travel, but I'm not on this show, thank Jebuddah. Ali goes for a makeover, because NYC is fashion central, according to this show, and the stylists gives her a blow-out and a little makeup to "accentuate her own beauty." Oh retch. On the other hand, could you imagine if Vienna was the one in the makeup chair? they'd be shoveling foundation on like spackle, so maybe it's better that Ali is cute without makeup. I wouldn't want to see some of the trollops from The Bachelor without their masks firmly in place. 

Twilightzonemasks
 

The guys act like assholes on the plane. Sadly, there are no snakes to eat them all.  Ali lists some of the dudes' qualities including Dolphin Boy, who is looking more insane by the minute. Methhead Frank pretends to pick someone's nose as Ali voiceovers that he's the funniest dude she's ever met. Seriously? I know Jakey was a schmoe, but FRANK is the funniest person she's ever met? Remind me not to introduce Ali to my dad, she might pop her spleen laughing. 

Somehow, the guys are allowed in NYC and go up to their suite, as Makeover Dude tells Ali she's going to be in In Style for July. On newstands now! Ali thinks NYC is the perfect place to fall in love. Well it's better than LA, that's for goddamn sure. 

First one on one is Dolphin Boy. "Let's do what comes naturally." Oh gawd and all the fat little angels, let's please go to...

Commercials! PF Chang's is a fairly shitty restaurant, but I'll probably end up buying their freezer section foods because I am lazy and I don't "cook." THE MICROWAVE IS A COOKING VESSEL, PEOPLE. You put cold stuff in and food comes out. THAT IS COOKING. 

Dolphin Boy Flipper-speaks that he gets to show Ali his real self, and if she doesn't give him a rose he'll go to a bell tower with a shotgun. Psych. He'll be crushed. (Belltower.) The dudes make fun of him that he looks at Ali as a Disney princess, and Cape Cod Chris drops the word "unicorn" twice, which I take as a personal shoutout to MamaPop. 

We start the date on a helicopter, where DB loses his shit. He woos. Ali woos. Unicorns bray in disgust. DB crazies about how Ali wasn't living before but will be with him and his reality is passion for her. AND THEN.

He starts to "sing." It's AWFUL. Ali giggles nervously. AND HE KEEPS GOING. Ali looks terrified as DB says this is good stuff. Oh my god, Ali, come with me to the sweet, sweet embrace of...

Commercials! Clinique dark spot remover, in case you look like a pigeon egg. No offense to anyone out there with a pigeon egg for a head. But, you know, you might want to get that looked at. 

We're back, and hey! It's the Museum of Natural History! And they're there at night, in the fucking dark. With dinosaurs and stuff. Mummies. Ghosts. Ben Stiller. Terrifying. Ali loves dinosaurs. DB wants to scare the shit out of Ali and chases her through the museum. He impersonates a gorilla. GET TO THE FISH, I bet DB can talk to them! He thinks he has the rose in the bag because he'll keep her happy for the rest of her life. Or, you know...Belltower.

Penthouse! Group date card! Roberto, Jesse, Craig the Shmoe, Kirk, Jonathan, Frank, and Ty. "Let's play!" Justin sulks. Ooooh, Frank snarks and calls him "Wrestler" as in "Wrestler go home." Mean Frank needs a fix. He's getting the sweats. I would tell him where to score in NYC, but that would be irresponsible. (the parking lot on Delancey and Ludlow, Lower East Side.) I SAID NOTHING. 

On the date, DB freaks out Ali by doing the whole "I choo choo choose you" thing and that he's there to protect her heart. Ali thinks it's a leeeeeetle too perfect. Ali isn't falling for it. OH NO HE'S SINGING AGAIN. 

Williamhung  I'd transcribe, but it is SO BAD it should be a SNL skit at 12:50 AM when everyone's given up and gone to bed. Ali doesn't believe a SINGLE THING DOLPHIN BOY SAYS. He likes him, he's a great guy. She worries it's not real. She wants him to just be Dolphin Boy. Be GENUINE, Flipper! He doesn't get it. So...NO ROSE FOR YOU!!!! 

You remember in The Shining that Jack's eyes were always crazy, but he goes to Manson Lamps in a millisecond once the hotel gets into him? Yeah, that happens. BUT! Ali doesn't want him to leave either! WHAT? NO! Ali, those are Chris Harrison's LAWS. You do not disobey the Hairplugs! So in a total departure from the show's RULES AND REGULATIONS, DB goes back to the hotel for a second chance, without a rose. Up is down! Left is right! I need some pie!

Commercials, thank chrizzie. Hey guys, When In Rome is on Blu-Ray! Remember that movie with Veronica Mars? Yeah, neither do I. I hate rom-coms, have you caught on to that tidbit about me?

The dudes are off to the date. In Times Square, Ali's on a video billboard. "If you want a rose, you have to find me. I'm in the concrete jungle." Well, that's a neat challenge! Except it's The Bachelorette, so it sucks. The billboard is right next to The Lion King marquee, and there's Ali. Get it? The concrete JUNGLE? Can you feel the love tonight? I cannot. This is lame. Ali has a cold. I also have a cold. My kittens have colds. The cast of The Lion King, who are making bank coming in during the day for a put-in rehearsal, do not have colds. They sound great. Thomas Schumacher, Tony Award winning producer, has decided to put one of the idiots IN THE SHOW. Um. There's the...But these guys...THESE ARE THE WHITEST BOYS EVER AND THEY CANNOT DANCE AND THIS IS HORRIFIC. Except! EXCEPT! One guess who nails it. One. I'll give you a hint, it starts with Rob and ends with Erto. And now it's time to sing! And now no one can hear anymore, because we, the viewing audience have been rendered deaf by the "singing" of "Can You Feel The Pain Tonight."  Jesse is the only one who can sing somewhat decently, or at least near-pitch. Roberto can't hit the notes, but sings right to Ali with sex eyes and the game, it is brought AGAIN. So who will it be? 

Producer Man is picking Ali's date, and of course it's Robbo. He and Ali are gonna be in the chorus of the show tonight. Jonathan beats himself up over not getting the date. THERE IS NO COMPETING WITH ROBBO, YO. 

Commercials. I feel like I've recapped all these commercials before, so let's talk about what I have to do during this break. Do I go smoke? HA! I wish. No, I have to give three syringes of bubblegum flavored antibiotic TO MY CATS. My life. You want it. 

Robbo and Ali are learning choreography as the other dudes sulk. Robbo gloats just a little bit. They're on harnesses and flying around in the air entwined in each other as Jonathan makes a weather-related joke about sunny skies going to shit storms. Suck it UP, Weatherman, at least you're not covered in bubble gum flavored antibiotic, like I am right now. 

Stock footage of The Lion King. Julie Taymor is a goddamn visual genius. Sorry, musical theatre dork moment over. And there go Ali and Robbo! They're in the air, and his face is in her tatas! The boys are LOSING THEIR MINDS. It's AWESOME. They get to be in curtain call and everything. I nerd out for a moment. Good thing it's time for

Commercials! Uh oh. Lash Stiletto has a new sub-brand. Voluptuous. Lashes. Mascara. It's my Kryptonite. Sigh. Where's my effing wallet. I'll let you know if it clumps. 

Afterparty! Everyone is desperate to drink and get some time with Ali. People are getting emotionally involved. Methhead Frank isn't wearing his Cyclops glasses and it's terrifying. He grabs a rapidly declining Ali and drags her into a rainstorm, the perfect thing for someone who is getting sick. He tries to wax poetic as Ali coughs like a consumptive Bronte character. Frank is sated. They kiss. She teases him that she's gonna get him sick. Methhead Frank has gotten a kiss and a fix, so FRANK HAPPY NOW. 

Ding dong! One on one date card for Cape Cod Chris! It's his birthday, and he's stoked, as am I. 

Oh god, back on the group date, Craig the Schlub is macking on Ali and cockblocks Jonathan, who whines and moans and backs off. Kirk, who has game, says Ali is sick, and he wants to put her to bed. SLICK. She doesn't give out a rose, because she's illin'. We are zero for two with the roses tonight! There IS NO LAW HERE. Kirk snuggles with Ali in bed and Jonathan is LOSING HIS MIND. He pouts like an overtired 4 year old. Ali and Kirk smooch. Slick Kirk turns off the lights and leaves Ali's room. FIRE SAFETY! He blows the candles out first. Very good, Kirk. Smokey the Bear would be proud. 

Commercials! An SUV commercial for Jeep. Only men with mighty peens can drive such a vehicle. Or so sayeth the commercial, in so many words. 

So let's recap the last hour. No roses. Dolphin Boy is going (more) insane, Jonathan is going (more) insane, Methhead Frank has his game back (and hopefully his protective glasses) and Robbo is the man, but Kirk is hot on his heels. Oh, and Ali has tuberculosis. She'll never make it through the winter! Are we caught up? Because I'm pausing this beetch to go smoke. BRB. 

Dolphin Boy wants a second chance, but it's CCC's turn. He clumsily packs. Ali is dying of the consumption. She bails on the date, but CCC gets to go to her suite to hang out! This is true husband material, he thinks. He shows up with flowers and soup. Good show! CCC lived in NYC for a bit but then his mom got sick and he moved home. He still lives at home with his dad. He feels totally comfortable telling that to Ali, unlike some people who live with their parents, FRANK. 

DOLPHIN BOY IS MISSING. Jonathan makes a horrible and tasteless Amber Alert joke that I won't repeat. We see DB enter a tattoo shop, stating that Ali doubted his sincerity, so he's doing something drastic.

Swayze-centaur
 

Commercials! I wonder when we'll learn that Splenda is made with baby seals or something. It's too good to be true. 

The guys wonder what the hell is up with Dolphin Boy. He's getting a tattoo of a shield covering a heart on the inside of his wrist. As a person with tattoos, I hear that sweet sweet buzz of the gun and start jonesing hardcore. I have problems. 

Ali's all better! She and CCC go out on the town. A ritzy club is shut down just for them to devour shellfish and talk about CCC's dead mom. Sounds like an awesome time, you know, other than the death part. CCC says his mom comes to him in rainbows, and it's really sweet, but let's lighten the mood! Let's call CCC's dad for Chris's birthday! It's sweet, but I will take this time to reenact MY dad's reaction to his birthday, which was last Saturday. 

"One of these days I'm going to go into a Staples and start screaming "WOW, THAT'S A LOW PRICE!" until someone SHOOTS ME." 

Happy birthday, Daddoo. 

Back at the suite, Dolphin Boy lies and says he was at the hospital for a MYSTERIOUS BURN and his wrist is all wrapped up. Awesomely, Justin crows "FIBBER! I CALL FIBBER!!!!" and vows to get to the bottom of it. Awesome. Justin is going to end up being an asshole, I know it, but for now, I love him a little.

On the birthday date, CCC gets: Lobster, A call home, A rose, Joshua Radin (Ali's fave singer) singing and playing guitar with a rockin' gospel choir on the roof, and it was all possible because of the healing powers of the chicken noodle soup he brought Ali!!!! Good thing she's not a vegan, is all I'm saying. CCC considers Ali his girlfriend now. Oh good. Delusion. Always healthy.

Commercials. I spy a millisecond of Tom Cruise. Fast forward BEEP BOOP!!!!!

The guys are all against Justin. Probably because he's wearing a black shirt with a white tie. What's Dolphin Boy going to do? His integrity was challenged. He's now literally wearing his heart on his sleeve. Ali comes in for a cocktail party and apologizes for being sick. I hate that. It's not her damn fault she was sick. Don't apologize, Ali! Get a spine!

Jonathan crazies. He gulps a gin and tonic and shrieks over a basic chord progression on the guitar. To say he was out of tune would be kind, and I'm not a kind person when it comes to this show. What is with all the dudes with guitars singing horribly?!? WHY DO THE PRODUCERS KEEP GIVING THESE SCHMUCKS GUITARS? She FLEW in the AIR with ROBBO. TWICE. Your little guitar show ain't gonna cut it, pals. Jeez, let's go to commercials so I can calm down, this show is really getting my Irish up tonight. 

Andy-rooney  So the Amazon Kindle commercials are really cute. I'm still not getting one. I like BOOKS, thank you. I am an old fart with mountains of books and a houseful of cats and no Blu Ray or HDTV and I love Andy Rooney. There. Happy now, whippersnappers????

Dolphin Boy's going to drink enough to show Ali the tattoo. Justin is still sporting wood that DB is a lying liar who lies. He calls him out. DB is a lousy liar. He's about to snap on Justin. Justin, clothesline him with the crutches, man! DB is insane!!!! He's lying! He's lying! Fine, you want the truth? He GOT A TATTOO. HERE IT IS. All the guys state that DB is going crazier by the minute, and the tattoo is lame and Flipper is insane in the membrane. The dudes humor Dolphin Boy because they're terrified of him. And now it's time to tell Ali. 

DB chirps that he might have overcompensated before, but he wants to start fresh. Ali's glad he just bought her candy instead of going over the top. Uh oh. Here it comes! He's going to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge! He's gonna do it! Go for the sleeve! show her! Do it!  Nope. Cockblocked by Frank, who is thankfully wearing his glasses. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeheeheeheehee. The tattoo is now A SECRET. Well PLAYED, Frank!

Commercials. You know, I live ACROSS THE STREET from a Friendly's Restaurant. Even worked there when I was a teenager. Why don't I have a strawberry Fribble right now? WHY, JEBUDDAH, WHY? It's right there across the street, MOCKING ME. 

I think this show is starting to affect my brainpan in terrible, terrible ways. 

Harrison's Hairplugs are here to put some law and order back in this bitch. eight roses, two dipshits are outtie. CCC is safe. WHAT is with the black shirts and white ties?!?!?!?! Anyway, roses. Kirk gets #1. Methhead Frank. Craig the Schlub. Ew, really? Chris N, who I still couldn't pick out of a lineup. Robbo, OBVIOUSLY. Justin, who does a "who, me?" double take. Ty, of the original song and gee-tar. FINAL ROSE GOES TO DOLPHIN BOY!  That means Jesse and Weatherman are OUTTIE. Jesse goes out saying he can't wait to see his dogs. Ah, so Jesse's THAT sort of a person.  Jonathan is a whimpering, withering mess. He whispers to Ali didn't get a chance to know him. Sobby, trembling like my granny, gets into a cab and says he doesn't know how or when he's ever going to find love. 

Next week? Iceland! Volcanos! Frank's insane! Dolphin Boy is going OUT OF HIS MIND CRAZY. Ali? "All Flipper needs to do is act normal." GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, ALI.  Join me in recap-land, won't you? 

Kisses!







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Comments

Julie

Love this recap! There was nothing quite so amazing as DB screeching that song to Ali, and then saying "Wow, that was intense". LOL

That tattoo is fake, I'm just sayin. I've got more than a few of my own and they don't look PERFECT the day you get one like his did. Total fake out by the production team.

Tracy

I look forward to your recap *almost* as much as I look forward to the show. I catch myself wondering what you'll think about various parts...and you always deliver!

"Chris N, who I still couldn't pick out of a lineup." EXACTLY? WTF? Who IS this guy? Why don't we ever see ANYTHING about him. I hadn't heard him even speak prior to last night, and what did he say, like six words?

Hey You

okay. A. I dislike Kasey and think he is all kinds of teh CRAZY.

B. Are we calling him dolphin boy because of his voice because I am ALMOST positive he has a cochlear implant and so probably spent a good chunk of his life deaf, accounting for his voice. So maybe we could finda better name? Krazy Kasey?

C. I thought the weatherman reminded me of Tom Cruise in an Oprah moment.

Hey You

oh dear. I owe you an apology Miss Banshee! I just googled the crap out of Kasey and he is NOT deaf! He really just sounds that way, so yeah. sorry. Let the Dolphin Boy bashing continue.

Alyssa

Roberto FTW. Everyone else can just go home. He's the only normal person there. I just kind of wonder if Ali isn't too crazy for HIM.

Miss Banshee

@Hey You, no apology needed. And excellent Google-Fu! If he actually had a cochlear implant, OH MAN would I have felt horrible. Thank JEBUDDAH I don't have to start looking for lightning bolts. :)

Fairly Odd Mother

I was going back-and-forth between this wreck and RHONY reunion (you think you're an old fart? I don't even Tivo!), so I love that you are filling me in on the things I missed. How about when the producers made an obviously sick Ali stand outside in the freezing cold to talk to one of the guys?

Too bad she got rid of the Weatherman----he was so good for (unintentional) comic relief.




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