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Top Chef DC Recap: Episode 2, Out of the Lunch Box

Top-chef-cleaver It is week two of Top Chef DC and our chefs are back in the kitchen - and this week they are pissy.

Who wants to see if I am physically capable of doing a three minute "Top Chef" recap?

Mattin_rabbit_hat_mattin_roll_MamaPop

Well, of course you do, Mattin. Who else?

Marco pierre white cleaver

Take it easy, Chef White! I'll Hurry! I'll Hurry!

Quickfire:

They brought in Sam Kass from the White House. So "Top Chef" thought that a bi-partisandwich quickfire would be clever.

They thought wrong. Or maybe I'm just tired, but I don't think bipartisandwich is funny, or clever, or something anyone should ever say out loud again.

The chefs pair up by a knife pull for this quickfire. Each team has 30 minutes to make a sandwich (I told you already - we're not saying that again) and the winning team gets immunity. But there is a catch! The chef teams have to wear red and blue sewn together aprons. This is the potato sack race of quickfire challenges.

Timothy says "Who got high and came up with this idea?" Who indeed Tim?

Picture 6

Angelo has a sandwich shop in New York City. He says if he loses this challenge it will be so embarrassing that he will have to close down the shop.

Overdramatic much, Angelo?

Tracey has a big crush on Angelo and is excited to have her arm around him for 30 minutes. When I type it out like that it sounds sweet, but when she said it she sounds somehow lecherous.

Alex is scared that Tim is going to cut him.

All of these sandwiches look good. I must be hungry.

Tracey and Angelo won.

Angelo has won everything so far. The other chefs are not amused.

Elimination Challenge:

Playing along with Michelle Obama's "Let's Move" initiative that strives to end childhood obesity, the chefs have to make a school lunch. he challenge is to make a school lunch on a DC public school budget - $ 2.68 per child.

If it we me, I'd buy a big fucking pallet of macaroni and cheese from Costco. This is probably why I am never on Top Chef.

So each team 4 gets $134 to feed 50 kids. and then Sam Kass takes away $4 from each team, because in real life that pays for labor and supplies.

How close am I to a three minute recap? For a person who is known for writing blog posts that could be hosted on twitter I sure do suck at recapping Top Chef in under three minutes.

Top-chef-mattin_sad

No, Mattin. I didn't say I suck. I said I suck at writing three minute recaps.

Whatever, Angelo is on my nerves. Amanda is on my nerves. Tracey is creeping me out. Marco Pierre White is threatening me and Mattin is pouting. Can you tell I got up at 5:00 am to write this recap?

Kelly assures her team that the children will love pickled onions on a pork carnita. Ok, parents, how many of your kids will eat pickled onion?

*crickets*

I don't think Kelly is a parent.

Picture 11

The teams have trouble with their budgets. I'm not surprised at all. The propaganda is working. I want to run right over to the hill and start lobbying for more money for school lunches. 

Kelly is on my nerves.

The Tim, Andrea, Kevin and Alex team seems to be working really well as a team. Tim says they are clicking on all eight cylinders. I think that is a really strange thing to say but at least those four are playing nicely as a team.

I kind of want to see Tamesha and Amanda get into a fist fight. That would be awesome.

Back at the house Arnold and Lynne have a sit down with Kelly to complain that she is taking too much credit for the work of the team and

Picture 12
 

OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FRIG IS ARNOLD WEARING?

Picture 13

MY EYES! THE GOOGLES, THEY DO NOTHING!

Back in the kitchen:

Angelo is sad because when he put peanut butter in the foam gun the valve was broken.

Um.

1) What the hell is a school cafeteria doing with a foam gun?

2) Hello, DC public schools. Everything is broken.

3) Peanut butter foam sounds disgusting.

Other than that the cooking was uneventful.

Let's just skip straight to the judging, that is where the action was.

The two teams on the bottom are the one with the fighting girls and the team with half immunity. Oh shit! Angelo's team is on the bottom! Of course Angelo and Tracey have immunity. Did Angelo throw the game to get rid of his toughest competition? Everybody seems to think so. I mean, the dude made a celery stick with peanut butter in it. My six year old can cook that.

Colicchio even asked Angelo straight up if he would have made peanut butter celery if he didn't have immunity. Angelo says "I can't answer that right now," but obviously the answer is hell no.

Now the other team jumps in. Stephen and Amanda both step up to tell Kenny and Angelo how much celery and peanut butter sucks as a vegetable. While I agree with them, I think keeping their own pie holes shut at this juncture would have been wiser.

Fortunately for humanity and also for entertainment value, while Amanda is "oh no you di'inting" about how peanut butter is the great Satan of foods Ed brings up a good point, I mean while we're throwing stones does sherry wine have a place in a school cafeteria? Amanda defends herself, "They weren't drinking it. I wasn't serving it by the glass. I really like chicken braised with sherry" But lo - My girlfriend Gail Simmons smacks her down. "I love vodka, but I'm not cooking with it."

Cheers Gail. I always knew I liked you.

Gail simmons glass of wine

That shut Amanda up.

Finally.

Also - Tom said turd. Heh.

Picture 12

As for the winners - Kelly won. I guess I was mistaken about the pickled onion thing. I'll be damned. I apologize to Kelly for being such a doubter.

Picture 13

Who went home?

Picture 15

So sad Jacqueline (or however Bravo is spelling your name this week). We hardly knew you, I guess textural issues two weeks in a row are unforgivable.

I think they should have stripped Angelo's immunity for playing dirty. Can you censure a cheftestant? I watch too much Bravo. (West Wing fans holla!)

Stay tuned next week, when I - again - attempt to write a "Top Chef" recap that you can read in three minutes.

[most photos via Bravo.com, some I just took of my TV]

. . . . .

Goon Squad Sarah really sucks at keeping things brief when it comes to "Top Chef".







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Comments

Beth

Nicely done recap!

Trying to figure out if Angelo thinks Tom is a recent arrival from a turnip farm or something. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, my friend, the blood on the floor will be yours :)

anna

Why didn't anyone bring up peanut allergies? Even more so than the dubious nutritional value of celery, that's something to worry about.

ALSO: West Wing!

I was watching it on Bravo, until they decide to betray me and skip the fifth and sixth seasons. Then I realized my boyfriend has all of West Wing on DVD and I am now borrowing my way through it all.

tonya

I was also wondering how the hell she thought kids would love pickled onions, but alas, I was wrong.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@anna Yes! Peanut allergies. They can't serve that in a cafeteria!


Can they?

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@Beth - EXACTLY! Tom is wise beyond anything Angelo knows.

Amalah

Alice Deal was the middle school my kids would have attended if we hadn't hightailed it to the 'burbs already. I'm pretty sure our current public school spends more than $2.68 per kid on SNACKTIME. For the PRESCHOOLERS. Goddamn, DC.

Angelo and Amanda are beyond obnoxious. Everybody else is still just a big indistinguishable chef-shaped blob to me, though.

Peyton

I kind of feel like Top Chef should have sent them to a different public school in D.C. Alice Deal is in Northwest, just north of the Tenleytown Metro stop. That's a pretty affluent area of D.C. I think the kids in other areas of the city might have benefitted more from a visit from the Top Chefs.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@peyton I totally agree. Some other areas could have really used the free lunch and nutrition lesson.

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

@Amalah I'm positive my preschool spent more than $2.68 per child because the parents bough the snacks and it often cost me $ 60 to feed 14 kids a snack.




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