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Top Ten Reasons Why I Should Be MTV'S New Twitter Jockey (or as Many as I Can Think of Until I Run Out.)

Mtv-original-vjs Do you want to be the modern day, virtual equivalent of Martha Quinn? 

Do you know who Martha Quinn is? 

Never mind. Proving that it is solidly on the social media tip, MTV is holding a competition to choose a Twitter Jockey - a TJ, if you will. 

This lucky person will serve as a 2010 descendant of the original VJs -- or video jockeys. Because MTV used to play videos. Yes I am old enough to remember the original VJ's. Shut up. 


 Upon learning of this contest I went directly to the application form. I'm off from work this summer and have more time to obsess about things like this. And I figured if there's anyone who can be a Twitter Jockey it's me, considering the hours I've lost sharing my deepest thoughts and daily irritations with Twitter for the past three years. 

So you can imagine my surprise when the TJ application blocked me at the first click. 




I could not proceed with my surely winning application. This website did not understand that I was way past 21, nay, nearly twice that number. Nearly. Hello. So as befits a woman of my age and station -- i.e., what a person like me does when she's had her wine, watched Top Chef and has gotten pissed off by a website -- I began to make a list of all of the reasons why MTV would do well to consider me for the TJ role: 

1. I am very well versed in the intricate communication tool that is Twitter and I have been obsessed with music and television since I was a small child. Add that to my current Internet fixation and we are all set. Twitter. Music. Television. Twusicvision. Done. 

2. I know off of the top of my head that the first video aired on MTV was "Video Killed the Radio Star" by The Buggles. I was young, to be sure. Very young. But I was alive, and more to the point I knew this without Googling it.   

This song is an earworm nightmare. I'm warning you. 

3. Of course no one may care about this ancient historical trivia when there is so much Xtina, Katy Perry and Gaga news to impart, but I can rock that too. My point? I'm versatile. I only confused Jay Sean and Sean John for comic relief for my college students. It's a hard knock life, man, but I try. 

4. I have Twitter followers, almost 2,000. Of course most of them are life coaches and male organ enhancement spammers, but not one single one of them is related to me. I even block the worst bots, so I have some integrity. 

The point is I have followers, dammit. Some of them even talk to me. I can get more, MTV. Call me. 

5. Some of my best friends are mom bloggers. As Olivia Newton John once sang, you have to believe they are magic, MTV. They will help you achieve further world domination. To them I am your portal. 

6. I follow Diddy unironically. Just last night, Diddy was all, "Mindfuck someone tonight. It'll make you feel better. :) GO!" and I seriously considered doing that until I decided I was too tired. Diddy walks me through things -- Michael's death, Biggie's birthday, the veracity of Joaquin's rap career. I may even @ him sometimes, okay? But it's not like everyone knows where the Ciroc party's at on any given Saturday, suckers. When he says "Let's Goooooooooooooo" and tells me to "BELIEVE!" I am inexplicably there. Diddy may be my life coach, sadly. Or beautifully. Whatever. 

Picture 1  

7. MTV says it is seeking a social media maven. Whereas my Twitter bio states that "I am not a social media maven," that was also done solely for comedic effect. I've always been bothered by the word "maven" and what it implies, and I have to admit that I still don't really know. But if it's a maven you want, I can maven. I'm sure we can work something out. 

8. I am way less annoying than that curly-haired guy in the Staples commercials who yells "WOW! THAT'S A LOW PRICE!" until I want to go all Elvis and shoot my television. I think that should get anyone past the first hurdle for any entertainment-related job at this point.  

9. I am open-minded. I will not openly mock Drake when I learn that his Twitter handle is @DrakkardNoir.

I think I just lied. 

10. Hm. Number 10. I think I may have cashed out at nine. Fill in the blank with some pandering statement. I have great references! I would be less embarrassing on a red carpet than Ryan Seacrest!  I love New York and will tweet for $100,000! 

The truth is, I even tweet for free, and I would never make it through the series of hurdles MTV is making its wannabe TJs jump through for the chance to tweet out Ke$ha-fied news and information for 100 grand a year. There will be a series of "online challenges," to gauge "influence, popularity, engagement and trust," two weeks of challenges in New York for five finalists, then a live tv finale in August where the contestants will "square off live on the air in a series of elimination rounds" and a first gig at the MTV Video Music Awards. 

Too much. I am already twitchy at the thought. Part of the beauty of the Twitter revolution is that it absolutely is not televised, and all business can be conducted in one's pjs. That's it for me, anyway, but definitely not for one lucky TJ who I'm sure really wants her MTV.

. . . . .

Laurie is not a social media maven.

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I TOTALLY knew that was the first video on MTV! And I am ABSOLUTELY NOT clicking on that video. No way.


I know this is going to sound like a stupid question, but you did check the little box that said you were over 21, didn't you? Because I went to see if it'd do the same thing for me and didn't see the box the first time. So. Just wondered.


I got Martha Quinn to sing happy birthday to my friend Janet one time. And it wasn't even her birthday. Mwah hah hah.


Remember when Martha Quinn played one of the Brady boys' wives in one of those Brady Bunch reunion movies? I wanna say it was Bobby's wife, but it may have been Peter's.


What is Martha Quinn up to these days? I always loved her best. Those early VJ's were always and forever my favorites except for Dave Holmes.


All the VJs who are still alive are jocks on XM/Sirius radio. Mark Goodman and Nina Blackwood do classic rock, Martha Quinn and Alan Hunter do the 80s.

And I can't believe how quickly their names came to me. Scary.


I love how TJ is the new VJ. I remember back in the day when they did the Search for the New VJ and America voted for that tall freak named Jesse or something, so they kept that guy around for a few months and kept the guy the actually liked around for a few years. Still cracks me up.

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