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Troll Dolls: The Movie. Seriously.

Wizard-troll-dollRemember those hideous looking Troll dolls from the '60's?  Troll Dolls, Leprocauns, Dam Dolls, Gonks, Wishniks, Treasure Trolls, or Norfins?  Ugly little bastards, is what they were.  An ugly fad that never seemed to go away completely.  They made comebacks in every subsequent decade, for some reason, but they never got any cuter.  But they were just dolls.  Dolls made to scare the bejesus out of kids for no particular reason. 

Their decades-long trendiness is apparently enough to warrant a movie deal. 

DreamWorks Animation has signed a deal with Troll doll manufacturer Dam Things to develop an animated film based on the toys.  DWA will join up with brother/sister writing team Adam Wilson and Melanie Wilson LaBracio to come up with some sort of story to make this into a movie.  Because really?  There's nothing there right now.  All they've got is some ass ugly dolls.  Ass ugly dolls does not a movie make.

Troll-dollTroll dolls are horrible.  I think they're supposed to be kids toys; my sister had many when we were little.  But I don't think I'd ever buy one for my kids.  No matter how hard they begged.  They have the face not even a mother would love and gravity-defying technocolor hair that should be killed with fire.  They're also naked.  Toys shouldn't be naked.  And a movie based on whatever plot they can twist from all that gloriousness?  I can say with 100% certainty that my kids would be scared shitless.  I'm not even sure I want that guy over there to be looking at me with that face.  Why was this a good idea?  Why?  Why is this happening?

I'll tell you why this is happening.  It's happening because of Toy Story 3.  DreamWorks is totes jealous and decided to weeze the juice of Pixar's success with bringing vintage toys to life with CGI.  It's happening because Toy Story 3 had an opening weekend that crushed Shrek 3D's opening weekend by more than 50%.  I feel this will do nothing but end badly.

DreamWorks picked a toy from the distant and recent past, bought up all the rights, and will worry about storyline later.  From what I hear, DWA "look(s) forward to working alongside Dam Things to build on the mythology of the Good Luck Trolls while delivering the sense of adventure, heart and comedy that DreamWorks Animation is known for."  Basically, they'll just figure it all out later.  No one goes to the movie for the story, right?  As long as it's in 3D (oh, it is SO going to be in 3D...), people will come.

There is no way this is not going to suck. 

Good luck, DreamWorks.  How convenient that you have the rights to Good Luck Trolls right when you're going to need it most.

[source]


. . . . .
Jen O. isn't ashamed to admit that her disapproval of this movie stems from the fact that Troll Dolls are scary.






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Comments

diamondcait

The only good thing that came out of this post is your use of the phrase "weeze the juice". Kudos on that!

tonya

They could save some of their CGI budget and just hire Teresa's daughter from RHONJ.

jillian

Yeah, I don't know how hard it is to figure this out: the Toy Story movies aren't successful because they are about vintage toys. They could have been about rocks. They are successful movies because they are GOOD movies -- with good stories, and characters people care about. DUH.

incognito

Bleah. I don't understand troll dolls. But then, I always thought Cabbage Patch kids were ugly as sin.




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