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True Blood Recap: Bad Blood

True-blood-sookie-jessica-1Ah, at last. The long-awaited premiere of the third season of True Blood...when all of our shapeshifter/vampire sexual fantasies come true.

We pick up in the French restaurant where Bill's super romantic marriage proposal was interrupted by Sookie's bolt to the bathroom and Bill's kidnapping. Sookie runs outside looking for Bill and sees no sign of him. She tells the waitress who comes out to help that someone has taken her boyfriend. The waitress rolls her eyes and mutters in French that it's always something with these fucking vampires. Ma'am, do vampires get kidnapped from your establishment a lot or...?

Sam is driving away from Bon Temps with a note from his adoptive mother listing the names of the people who gave him up.

Jason goes home after Andy sends him away from Eggs' body and freaks out, which seems appropriate. Guzzling a beer doesn't drive away the image of Eggs' head being blown apart.

Back at Merlotte's, Tara is still sitting next to Eggs' sheet-covered corpse and sobbing. Blood soaks through the sheet, which makes Tara cry harder (would he still be bleeding at this point?) and Lafayette comes over and tries to comfort her.

Jessica gets home and finds the roses that Hoyt has left for her. A twinge of happiness mixed with regret flashes over her face before she remembers the task at hand and drags the trucker that she attacked into the house.

Bill is in a car with his kidnappers, four skeevy guys who identify themselves to Bill as the "Fuck You Crew." Bill does not ask for a business card. Bill's phone lights up with a call from Sookie. One of the guys grabs the phone and throws it out the window and promptly stabs Bill so that they can begin feeding on him.

Back at the restaurant, Sookie is giving a report to Deputy Kenya, who is very obviously not too concerned about Bill's disappearance. This is mostly because he's a vampire but also because Kenya is convinced that Sookie's hesitation over Bill's proposal infuriated him, at which point he tossed some tables around the room and left. Kenya obviously has some prejudices against vampires and the beautiful ladies that date them, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, Bill's car being gone might give her theory some weight, objectively speaking. Sookie begs Kenya to file a missing person's report, but Kenya insists that they follow protocol of a 48-hour waiting period, before begrudgingly offering Sookie a lift back to town.

True-blood-arlene-1At Merlotte's, Arlene is giving a report about Eggs' demise to Sheriff Bud Dearborn while Terry sits down with Andy to comfort him after his first kill. Terry tells Andy that he is still capable of goodness and Andy must cling to that with everything he's got. Apparently, killing a person really does a number on you. Terry adds that he loves Andy and that they should tell each other that more. Aww, I like Terry. Especially when he uses his post-traumatic stress disorder for good. Tara overhears Arlene talking to Bud and saying something about how much she appreciates law enforcement and how they protect us from killers like Eggs. Tara starts to freak out at Arlene and Arlene, in a most unhelpful manner, says, "I'm sorry you fell in love with a serial killer." Hey, it happens to the best of us gals, right Arlene? Tara insists that Eggs wasn't responsible for his actions. "Why?" retorts Arlene, snottily, "Because of slavery?" Tara storms out, calling Arlene a fucking redneck. Lafayette informs everyone that he and a bottle of tequila will be following Tara out. "I hate when they make everything about race," whines Arlene. Way to make yourself sound even more like an ass.

Jessica is trying to bring the trucker back from the brink of death with little success. He begs her to take him to a hospital but she tells him she can't. "You're a fucking whore," he gasps. Jessica agrees. She hears Sookie pull up outside and quickly stashes the trucker on the basement steps. Sookie bursts in and notices the bloody tears smeared across Jessica's face, which Jessica brushes off as nothing. Sookie blurts that Bill's been kidnapped and Jessica replies that she thought they were just going to dinner, which...I understand that Jessica is a little distracted but how is that a useful response? Like, yeah, the kidnapping wasn't part of our plans until next weekend! We jumped the gun on that romance! Sookie explains that Bill proposed and Jessica, still not grasping the reality of the situation, starts to squee until Sookie reminds her that she can't really announce her color scheme (blush and bashful) until her intended is decidedly alive and well and present. Sookie begs Jessica to call her if and when Bill comes home, even if he commands her not to and leaves. Jessica turns her attention back to the trucker, who appears to be dead or at least very, very close to it. Jessica panics and says, "Maybe this will work," biting her wrist and resting it on the trucker's mouth.

Meanwhile, the Fuck You Crew is still going to town on the Bill Compton Smorgasboard. One of the guys is so ecstatic with V vibes that he starts twisting his nipples, which makes the other crew members in the front seat beg for some. They conclude that they best way to do that is for the nipple twister to suck some and spit it into his friend's mouth. "That's gay," he replies. But his buddy retorts, "And playing with your nipples in a car full of guys ain't?" Well, when you're right, you're right and the nipple twister obliges. Bill, starting to grow weak, informs them that if they're under any orders to keep him alive, they're about to fail.

True-blood-andy-1Jason is cleaning up from his freak out when Andy appears, startling him. "I didn't want anyone to see me so I parked in the back and climbed in the window," says Andy, because that sounds like a much less attention-grabbing tactic. Jason asks how Tara is doing and Andy tells him that she's a mess. Jason sobs and wails that he's killed a man, but Andy cuts him off. "NO! I killed him!" snaps Andy. But instead of passing on Terry's therapeutic psalms gleaned from What to Expect When You've Shot Your Sister's Best Friend's Semi-Demonic Boyfriend in the Head, Andy tells Jason that they need to work out the gaping holes in their story, beginning with why Andy shot Eggs in the back of the head from 20 feet away when he was supposedly in Andy's face threatening him with a knife. He thinks that if they get their story straightened out, they might be okay because Bud is older and tired and doesn't see holes like he used to. In the meantime, Jason has to act like everything is normal and normal for Jason, Andy reminds him, is going out and getting tail. "That's the old Jason," Jason protests. "I want to be the new Jason." I guess after your kill someone and agree to let someone else take the blame for it, you start reevaluating your life and looking to make some changes. Andy, frustrated, tells him that he can go about not getting laid later, but for now, the rule is, "Conscience off. Dick on." Andy reminds Jason that he wasn't there and leaves to, presumably, climb back out the window. Surely, with these two working together, nothing will go wrong and this scheme will go off without a hitch. Cough.

Sookie goes to Fangtasia and is greeted by Pam, who basically purrs at her. "I'm in no mood for lesbian weirdness tonight, Pam." Sookie wants to see Eric right away and storms down to the dungeon where he is having sex in that super speedy vampire way with Fangtasia's new exotic dancer, Yvetta. Sookie meekly makes her presence known and Pam, gazing at the naked dancer, unconvincingly apologizes for letting Sookie interrupt. Eric (and his naked butt ohmygodthankyouHBO) saunters up to Sookie with a little schwing in his step and puts his hands on his hips. Sookie, maintaining pretty remarkable composure despite being practically face to face with Eric's Nordic Wand of Immortality and Orgasms. Sookie tells him that Bill's been kidnapped and she's sure that he's responsible, but Eric informs her that he's been with Yvetta for the past six hours. "Six hours?" asks Sookie. Eric smirks and asks if Bill's stamina is not up to snuff. He says something about how he's duty bound to find Bill even if he wants what's his and runs his eyes over Sookie's body. At least, that's what I think happened. His mouth was moving and he was saying words but I heard was, "Wang wang wang wang my wang is out here is my wang this isn't awkward at all wang wang wang." Sookie turns to leave and reminds Eric that he owes her $10,000. (The $10,000 is for infiltrating and finding Godric, right? I can't remember.)

Bill has managed to steal a pair of gloves from one of the Fuck You Crew members and sneakily unchained himself. He lunges forward and breaks the neck of the driver, allowing the car to go careening over a hill, killing his kidnappers. Bill manages to crawl out of the wreckage and hisses, "Jessica!" Jessica jolts awake in her sleeping hole, but doesn't realize that Bill has called her. Bill's vampire tutelage is really sub par. If they're going to be all out of the coffin and whatnot, perhaps they should put some standardized tests in place or something. Anyway, the trucker is lying next to Jessica in the sleeping hole where she hopes he will wake up as a new vampire.

True-blood-lafayette-1Tara and Lafayette rest at Sookie's house with the tequila and some pills. Tara is definitely calmer and Lafayette informs her that a steady diet of tequila and klonopin will keep those thoughts away until she's grown up enough to deal with them. Lafayette should really be a doctor. Sookie comes home and Tara starts to cry when she sees her. She tells her Andy shot Eggs and Sookie's face falls. She tells Tara that Eggs came to her earlier begging for her help to remember what he had done under Maryann's control. She apologizes, but Tara flies into a rage and lunges at Sookie, screaming that she signed Eggs' death warrant. Lafayette grabs Tara and yells, "What the hell is wrong with you? That's Sookie Stackhouse, your best friend!" Tara's eyes aren't completely black like they were when Maryann would get a hold of her, but they're wild and frightened and don't look like her own. Lafayette drags Tara to leave, apologizing to Sookie over his shoulder.

At Fangtasia, Eric is on the phone, questioning someone about Bill's kidnapping. He's clearly starting to panic and Pam tells him that he's losing it. She tells him that he must inform Queen Sophie-Ann about Bill's disappearance, but Eric asks her what she thinks the Queen will say about how he lost the one vampire that can link the two of them to the sales of V in their region. "Pam, sometimes I seek your counsel. This is not one of those times."

True-blood-sam-1Sam is sitting in a motel room in Arkansas when he hears a knock at the door. It's Bill, who found Sam because he has some of Bill's blood from when he healed Sam's dagger wound at Maryann's wedding/sacrifice/orgy thing. Bill is shirtless and staring longingly at Sam. I start to get the sense that this a dream sequence, especially when things take a turn for the porno and Sam takes his shirt off and agrees to join Bill in the shower. Just as the two lean in for a kiss, Sam's phone rings, waking him up. It's a local official who has some leads for him in his search for his biological family. The parents moved on years ago and she doesn't have any new information on them, but their son, Tommy, works at a garage in town and is known for ripping people off by selling them bald tires.

Jason and Hoyt are back at work with the road crew. Hoyt is telling Jason about his mom's possessed revelation about his father's death and how feels like the truth has set him free from her. Jason disagrees and muses that if you really want to fuck someone up, you tell them the truth about themselves. Hoyt brings the conversation back around to his predicament and how he's lost his girlfriend and his home at his mom's all in the last few days. "I need a place to stay," says Hoyt, pointedly. "I reckon you do," replies Jason, clueless. "Jason!" snaps Hoyt. "Can I crash at your place?" he asks, finally, exasperated. Jason furrows his eyebrows, startled, and replies, "Of course. But that's kind of a nasty way to ask." Hoyt apparently forgot after all these years of knowing him that Jason has about three brain cells.

Lettie Mae arrives at Lafayette's house to look after Tara as he's leaving to go to work. She thanks Lafayette for calling her and looks up and thanks God for giving her an opportunity to take care of Tara again. Lafayette tells her to quit looking up to a god that let all of this happen and to keep her eyes on her daughter for once. Harsh, but good advice and the dose of reality that Lettie Mae needs, instead of constantly blaming all of her failures on demons. Lettie Mae apologizes to Lafayette for shooting a gun at him, to which he replies, "Bitch, the you and me bridge is never fucking going to happen." Lettie Mae is kind of a joke.

Sookie is talking to Sheriff Bud about Bill, but Bud impatiently informs her that he has "real" people to look for. Sookie is deeply offended and explains that she loves Bill the same way Bud loves the "real" people in his family, which makes him worth following up on.

Sam goes to that garage where his brother supposedly works. A guy with a "Tommy" name tag on his shirt tells him that his brother is some other Tommy who left town months ago. Sam suspects that the guy is lying, but leaves, mentioning that his name is Sam Merlotte on his way out. Tommy's ears perk up but he doesn't stop Sam.

Lettie Mae has invited her reverend over to talk to Tara and he concludes that Tara leaving Lettie Mae and finding sinful comfort in the arms of a man is the root of all of these troubles. But this is all part of God's plan to you back to your mama, he explains. Tara claims to be feeling better and Lettie Mae says that she's so glad that Tara is back and nobody will get to her again. "Just you and me," she coos, in a way that seems very, very sinister.

Bill emerges from the ground where he has spent the day healing from the car wreck. I instantly flash to the time that he did that same thing and promptly had sex with Sookie in the graveyard and how gross I thought that was. Shudder.

Jessica wakes up and is horrified to find that her plan didn't work. The trucker is dead and beginning to stink. Hoyt calls and Jessica admits that she misses him. He giddily starts talking like they're back together but Jessica quickly explains that she's too busy and hangs up on him.

Queen Sophie-Ann shows up at Fangtasia with the magister that oversaw Bill's trial. Sophie tells Eric that they need to talk and he should probably close up for the night. Eric offers instead to speak with them in his office, but Sophie informs him that she bugged his office awhile ago. Sophie orders everyone out, except for Yvetta, who she stares at longingly. The magister demands that no humans be present because he needs both of them at full attention. Are older vampires just total horndogs or what? The magister explains that Bon Temps is rumored to be poised to become the V capital of the world, which is a travesty since vampire blood is sacred and any use other than procreation is wasteful and wrong. Sophie emphatically agrees in a way that is so obviously full of shit, but the magister ignores it. He asks how many vampires have disappeared since sales of V have gone up and Eric fumbles, "Uhh, none?" The magister leaves but warns them that he expects results and wants this whole V business taken care of.

At Merlotte's, Arlene is at the kitchen waiting to pick up an order. She asks Lafayette if there's something different about the chili, and correctly guesses that he added cinnamon. Lafayette is surprised that she can tell since he only added maybe half a teaspoon. Arlene's face falls and she says, "Oh, shit. I'm pregnant again." Ugh, totally. Very early in my pregnancy, someone had a grapefruit in my house and I nearly choked them for bringing such a repugnant smell within 40 feet of me.

Jason calls Hoyt over to his table where he's working on maintaining normalcy by chatting with two lovely, young veterinary students, who are planning on focusing on dog psychology. As luck would have it, says Jason, he is a dog (though not like how Sam is a dog) and asks them, "What am I thinking right now? Like, in my brain?" They correctly guess that Jason is wondering about the sexy events yet to happen in the evening and the girls agree to go back to Jason's house with him and Hoyt. Hoyt protests that he's not quite ready for all of that, but Jason quickly explains that if they're going to be roommates then there's going to be a certain amount of pussy overflow that Hoyt's just going to have to deal with. Well, alrighty then.

True-blood-eric-queen-1Back at Fangtasia, Eric and Sophie discuss how it's obvious that the magister doesn't believe them. But the IRS is breathing down Sophie's neck. Eric makes some smart remark which enrages her and she pins Eric against the wall, ordering him to sell off all of the V by tomorrow. Eric informs her that Bill's been kidnapped but Sophie does not care. Eric reminds her that he's the one vampire that could tie them to their crimes, to which Sophie replies, "Let him rot."

Pam shows up at Sookie's and asks why she killed Maryann, since she was such a terrific decorator. Indeed, Sookie's house still has that rustic, shabby chic going on, what with the branches and trees and nests and whatnot. Pam delivers a check to Sookie for more than $10,000 for her excellent work. Pam shudders when Eric calls her and Sookie realizes that Bill must have the same power over Jessica.

Terry finds Arlene in Sam's office and coyly asks about her plans for the evening. Arlene, unsure of how to say, "We were possessed by I thought I just got us both blindingly drunk the other night and date raped you and now I'm pregnant. Surprise!" instead tells Terry that she has to focus on her kids and rushes past him. There really ought to be a Hallmark card for situations such as these.

Pam pays a visit to Lafayette and informs him that he has to move all of his V supply by tomorrow. Lafayette impatiently informs her, "Naw, hooker, look. I can't sell all this shit by tomorrow." Besides, he needs to take care of Tara. Pam whooshes over and pins Lafayette to the wall, informing him that failure is not an option and that she'll back tomorrow to pick up the money. Also, she notes for the record, she is not a hooker. "That was a long time ago." Sure, Pam. Sure.

True-blood-sookie-jessica-1Sookie goes back to Bill's house and asks Jessica if Bill called her the way Pam called Eric. Jessica finally realizes why she woke up so suddenly last night, adding that it came over her and made her feel sick, just like that time she drank Kahlua. Ha! Sookie notices the foul smell of the rotting trucker and Jessica quickly says that it's a possum under the house. Sookie tells her that they need to go find Bill where he called her to, postponing yet again Jessica's cleaning session. Ew.

Bill stumbles toward a house in the woods and knocks on the door. An old lady answers, hoping that it's her son visiting her. Bill tells her that he's badly in need of assistance. She invites him in, noting that he looks hungry. "I am," says Bill. He gathers that the old lady does not have a phone, putting those funds instead toward her oxygen tanks. Bill releases his fangs and lunges toward her.

Lettie Mae thanks the reverend for coming over and helping Tara and he says that his church members are like family. Lettie Mae hugs him in a way that is a tad too sensual for him and he pulls away, uncomfortable. Tara cheerily tells Lettie Mae that she's going to take a shower. She goes into the bathroom, turns on the water, and locks the door.

Sam follows Tommy home from the garage. After Tommy goes inside, Sam rummages through the mailbox to find a bunch of past due bills addressed to Tommy Mickens, Sam's biological brother.

Jason is trying to make things happen with the veterinary students, but every time one of them makes a move, he gets visions of bullet holes in their heads. He admits this to them, which freaks them out and they scramble out of the house. Make a note: telling your hook ups that you picture bullet holes in their heads is not a turn on.

Bill glamors the old lady and tells her that he was never there and never did anything to her. He finds out from her that he is now in Mississippi, which seems to make him nervous, especially when he hears some wolves howling outside.

Lafayette comes home to find Lettie Mae thumbing through an issue of Men's Health. He asks where Tara is and Lettie Mae tells him she's taking a shower. "ALONE?!?!?" shrieks Lafayette. He rushes to the bathroom and starts trying to break down the door. Sure enough, Tara is inside swallowing bottles of pills. The lesson here is that Lettie Mae is evil and/or dumb as rocks and absolutely no help in an emergency.

True-blood-sookie-1Jessica and Sookie drive to the place where Jessica felt Bill call her to and find his car. Jessica whooshes to Sookie's aid to pull a body out of the car. They can't find a wallet or any ID on him, but they do find a tattoo or a brand. They look up the symbol to find that it stands for something called "Operation Werewolf," which is a really super secret name.

In the woods, Bill finds himself surrounded by werewolves who growl menacingly at him. "I should warn you...I've fed," says Bill, as his fangs shoot out.

This episode felt really...weird. A lot of the campier, cheesier aspects seemed really played up and I remarked that it kind of felt like True Blood fanfic, what with the odd sex dream that Sam had and the sudden overt lesbianness of Pam. I don't know. Perhaps it's just premiere awkwardness.

Anyway, I do want to draw your attention to this little piece of awesome from Jessica's blog. And, yes, Jessica has a blog. For right now, it's just a few random tidbits and one post where she talks about her life as a vampire. But this video was hilarious if for not other reason than her impersonation of Bill saying, "Sookeh!" and "Jessicaaahhh!"

Jessica's Blog: True Blah

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I have to admit, the dream sequence between Sam and Bill was the hottest thing I have seen in a long time. They never even touched, and I was sweating. Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot! I have never understood why everyone thought Beel was so cute. He is nothing compared to Eric, but during that dream, I got it, finally. Rest of the episode, what rest of the episode? I just replayed that scene over and over last night before I went to bed.

Suzy Q

Eric's Nordic Wand of Immortality and Orgasms is welcome anytime in my dungeon...erm, house.

Also, I agree that the Bill/Sam gay dream was hot. Sam is omnisexual! Bill? Bill is OLD.

How can Sookie be so fucking STUPID as to not know vampires can call each other that way? She's called Bill quite a few times, and he came a'runnin'.

I love Jessica and her awkward teenage-ness.


Oh Happy Day - I'm so glad to be back with TrueBlood recaps!

I was wondering about Eggs’ postmortem bleeding too but then got distracted by Northman butt. Eric. Butt. Naked. What? Oh, yeah. I agree with season opening awkwardness. It was good - and 'I hear the water is hard in Arkansas' will go down as one of the best lines ever - but I was a tad disappointed. There was nothing new really. I think there have been too many spoilers and previews put out by the Ball crew. I hope to be surprised a little more next week.


Sam and Bill and naked Eric--oh my goodness. Major hot and a great beginning.


Soooo glad True Blood is back. I loved all the great one liners this week. Still not sure which is my favorite but I think "pussy overflow" might win - lol!

And oh sweet heaven - naked Eric. I would be very happy to have a full hour of just Eric in various stages of nakedness. Yummmmmmm.

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