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Why Toddlers and Tiaras is Horrible

Toddlers-and-Tiaras  I watched the premiere of the third season of Toddlers and Tiaras last night because I hate myself. I wish someone had stopped me but they didn't. The damage is done. 

This horrible show is horrible and it has left me futilely pondering imponderables: 

Why does it exist? Why would anyone subject a child to the beauty pageant complex? Does TLC really still stand for The Learning Channel?

And when I started out thinking about Toddlers and Tiaras (I can't even deal with the name, really, right?) I thought I'd have all sorts of deep analysis about why it sucks but I think it upset me to the point that I'm having trouble synthesizing all of its horrible components into a coherent thesis statement. So allow me to hit upon a few salient points here, and perhaps I'll work something out that way. 

It's horrible because it involves little Louisiana girls at a pageant called La Maison de Paris with creatively spelled names wearing cowboy hats and booty shorts and midriff-baring shirts acting all crazy. 

It's horrible because it features Taylor's mom saying "We cant change her facial beauty. There's nothing we can do about it. We'll have to go home with what we got."

You know what you got, lady in the stupid get-up with the unfortunate hair? A child, who you just trashed, who will wake up screaming "I can't change mah facial BEAUTY!" Good job. 

It's horrible because four-year-old Makenzie screams a lot, and Makenzie's mom, Juana, just sits there all slack-jawed and trophy-hypnotized, saying stuff like, "Makenzie has one goal, and that is to get on stage." Makenzie is clearly cast as the "bad girl," given her frequent loathsome scream that makes her sound like a miniature Liza on a three-day bender. Except she was screaming "I WANT MY NI-NI! Where my ni-ni GOOOOOOOOOOOO?????" And guess what that was? 

Her pacifier. Of course she'd need one for this horror show. 

I want my nini all the time, baby. It's called a glass of wine, now. Good lord have mercy, Juana. Wake up. Take her to the pool or the playground or one of those bouncy house places. Go. Now. 

It's horrible because it features a child named Madison who refers to her stage persona, Tootie, in the third person. As in, "Tootie did real good out there" and "I'M NOT MADISON I'M TOOTIE RAWRRRRRR." 

It's horrible because Daisy's mom gives her three (yes, three) cans of Red Bull and outfits her with fake teeth called flippers that look like nothing anyone should wear on purpose. And then Daisy growls like a tiger. YOU THINK SO?  

It's horrible because Taylor's dad, one of the two or three robo-dads interviewed as they lolled about on the sidelines, said the pageants are "just for a bunch of psycho moms. I think as a dad I would draw the lines at leather and chains, fishnets. As long as it's tasteful."

It's horrible because it makes me make notes to myself like, "WTF TAMMY???" and "God I hate these women. I want to pound them with my hands," when I would never do that. Really. 

It's horrible because at the end the skeevy announcer says, "Who will take home one of these beautiful little puppies?" and that's really the prize for  Ultimate Grand Supreme Child in this here beauty pageant.

A puppy. 

And the Ultimate Grand Supreme Child, whose name I don't recall, said "I think I was gonna win the little cute little puppy and I did."

There are easier ways, Ultimate Grand Supreme Child. Let us speak of them.  


. . . . .

Laurie is no beauty pageant winner.

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This makes me sick. I know these psycho women live in all states, but it's amplified for me since I live in Louisiana. It doubles the sickness closer to home. I want to hurt everyone involved in the production of this garbage. I've never watched an episode, nor do I plan to, and I suggest everyone do the same so that it will go away. Far far away.


Oh hell, I watched these last night. The Red Bull, the stripper dance moves, Makenzie screaming. Oh and what about the 10 year old their with her ‘boyfriend’?!? It was enough to make my ovaries shrivel up and boycott humanity.

Seriously though, parts of those shows just hurts my heart. Sometimes you have the mother/daughter duo that are really out to have fun and they both really seem to enjoy it and whatever, more power to them. But more often it seems to be mothers that are just batshit crazy that are seriously damaging these kids. I have a five year old daughter and I just can't imagine doing that to her.


Geez, I thought Little Miss Perfect was bad. Have you ever seen that? At least the girls are older than, say, four. I watched it once to punish myself.


I'm with you, baby. Yuck.


Those poor dogs! Puppies shouldn't be prizes :( That's almost as bad as goldfish and rabbits as county fair giveaways.

Fairly Odd Mother

I hate TLC for putting this garbage on the air. Unless they promise to give every one of these little girls the years of psychiatric help they'll need when they hit puberty, and a swift ass-kick to all the parents involved.


Thank you for watching so the rest of us need not. Here's hoping the "winner" doesn't work the puppy into her next act.


Seroiusly! It was horrible when Taylor's (I think) mother asked her "Are you workin' off that Honey Bun you had for breakfast?" Taylor was 4.

Hello, welcome to influencing your child into disordered eating, have a nice trip.


UGH. GAH. I need to take a shower now.


My 11 year old flipped to it last night and we watched in horror for a while before he remarked, "they look like baby strippers." Then we switched it off. Some of those parents need a good smack.

The Social Frog

I think these parents have problems and now are creating all kinds of problems and issues for thier child. The parents are more annoying than the kids...They need to cut this show BUT if people keep watching it, it will not go away. I feel sad for the kids...

Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah

Next time I will stop you.


Can we start a count of how many young kids TLC has ruined, or at leasted how many parents they have paid so they can film them ruining their kids?


Three cans of red bull is going to give that poor child a heart attack - as if all the psychological damage wasn't enough!


@JenGid -- I love Louisiana anyway. It makes "the higher the hair the closer to God" bit make more sense but eh, too much work for a five year old!

@Rhonda -- I said when I was watching it that the moms seemed really unassuming, plain clothes, understated makeup. It's some definite vicarious living. When Makenzie got the chocolate facial I said the only chocolate in a little girls face should be a bag of M&Ms!

@Karen -- I think I saw it once. Memory is likely repressed. :)

@Bethany -- Right? And they barely looked old enough to be weaned. Gross.

@FOM -- TLC seems to specialize in kids as sideshow acts. Not sure what that's about. Unless, as one of my Twitter friends said, it's to make her feel like she's not doing so badly as a mom. ;)


@Patois -- Oh no. The more I think about that puppy the more irritated I get.

@Txtingmrdarcy -- I missed that. I had to look away occasionally because I couldn't take it. Everything was wrong with the way those people were talking to those kids. I left out some choice comments, indeed.

@sweetney -- I know. So bad.

@Karen -- I had a hard time going the whole way through, honestly. Very uncomfortable.

@TheSocialFrog -- I know, it's just like gawking at any subculture, it's hard to stop but it doesn't necessarily feel good, particularly when children are involved. Very important to remember that even though kids are exhibiting (really) horrible behavior that they're being trained to be superficial attention hounds.

@Sarah -- You are in charge.

@Poshie -- I know. I wonder if these people are getting paid? That hadn't even occurred to me. Kate would have been a prime candidate for the pageant circuit, unfortunately.


I cringe for those poor puppies.


Laurie, you got me with, "Does TLC really still stand for The Learning Channel?"!!! Too funny, but unfortunately so true. This show and it's concept is disgusting! This channel and all of it's shows now are simply about marketing and maybe 10% entertainment. It has become the "National Enquirer" of TV! A freak show. Good job fellow Reggie!


Ick. I suppose when little Daisy is found dead from a heart attack, her mother will sue Red Bull for her lost earnings, right? And then her mother will make a shrine to her and console herself that at least Daisy died before she got old and lost her beauty.

People like that really disgust me. I feel so sorry for those little girls and the body image problems and eating disorders they are being taught by their mothers. They're shaping them to be sad women when they grow up.


My four year old loves to sing and dance. Whenever we go anywhere that she can even pretend to be on a stage she starts performing. It is sweet and innocent with her repertoire consisting of "Itsy Bitsy Spider" and "Say-Say Oh Playmate". I do not encourage nor discourage her behavior. I would never dream of putting her in a beauty pageant or doping her (and yes I think it is doping!) with red bull.

These "parents" have issues that would be better worked out on a psychiatric facility.

Sybil Law

Exactly why I avoid watching that show. I'd want to smack a bitch or two if I watched it.



Katie Kat

There isn't even enough space here to BEGIN to write about how horrifying this show is. And the fact that TLC actually made it into a show is practically CRIMINAL. I don't care what anyone says, this is child pornography. These little girls are HORRIBLE and it is 1000000% their parents' fault. I cringe at what these children will be like as they grow older (notice, I did not say grow UP. THAT will never happen). It's just SICK. They ought to have those kids taken away from them and then be forcibly sterilized so they don't have more.

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