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American Idol Recaps Archive

March 24, 2010

American Idol Should Go To Prison.

Prison This is the space that used to be sacred. This is the space that was built on love. I used to reminisce here about my favorite pass time. This used to be American Idol Recap. Not anymore. I am turning my back on you American Idol for deceiving me. You have committed a crime and now you must stand before a jury. Your actions will not come without consequences. This is America and we still have a choice and a remote control.


March 12, 2010

American Idol's Top 12

AmericanIdol This week, America voted. And this week America lost its damn mind. Before I get into who gets to start making cheesy Ford commercials and who doesn't, it should be said that I truly don't think this season of American Idol is the worst of the show's nine years. Not by far. To prove that point, let's take a quick look back at who sang (horribly off-key) before.


February 25, 2010

American Idol Recap - Top 24 Suckage

Randy-jackson Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, American Idol gave us the Top 24 and reason to believe that we might be in for a long season of useless, judging panel banter and dumb-ass nicknames. But hey! What else is new? Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap.


February 11, 2010

American Idol Recap - A Coming Of Ellen Story

Ellen-degeneres-american-idol Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, American Idol took us to Hollywood. It also gave us our first glimpse of the new American Idol judge, Ellen DeGeneres. Not much else was worth talking about. So that's what we're going to do this week.. Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap. 


February 04, 2010

American Idol Recap - The Austin Paul D-Bag Award

After-american-idol-its-time-for-vietnam-idol_14 Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, American Idol took us to Denver and ended with a look at the Road to Hollywood. It also brought a new face for returning guest judge, Victoria Beckham and one of the greatest douchebags to ever audition for the show.  Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap. 


January 28, 2010

American Idol Recap - Strong Feelings Of Distaste For Avril Lavigne.

After-american-idol-its-time-for-vietnam-idol_14 Welcome to American Idol recap. This week, the American Idol auditions took us to Los Angeles and Dallas. They also brought a motley crew of guest judges, two contestants that wore Han Solo vests and a plethora of reasons to hate Avril Lavigne. Without any further ado... THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! recap. 


January 13, 2010

Why American Idol Needs Howard Stern

Stern On Monday, Simon Cowell announced that he will be leaving American Idol at the conclusion of this season. Cowell has been threatening to leave Idol for some time now and quite frankly, his timing may be spot on. It may appear as if the show is at a crossroads. It was only months ago that Idol announced the departure of resident wackadoo, Paula Abdul; Only to replace her with the completely inappropriate Ellen Degeneres.


May 21, 2009

Expect The Unexpected And The Unexpected Never Happens

With the usual dosage of pomp, and an extra shot of circumstance, American Idol's 8th season came to a thunderous close tonight.

The entire season was full of twists and turns.  Where the show lacked in talent this year, it made up for itself amply with surprises.  The first and possibly most noteworthy of which being that Mamapop let me post on their site. More than once.  Talk about lowering your standards.

And so, before I say one more word, I just wanted to say thank you to Amalah and Sweetney and these crazy kids who write here all the time.  I may have nightmares about your email distros for years to come, but I'll still miss you all.

And thanks to all their regular readers for patting my head and waiting me out.  It's over, I swear.

And for the record, I hate glitter and I think unicorns are weird.

And now, onto tonight's show.  Adam Lambert.......


May 13, 2009

American Idol Season 8 Episode 300

Last week on Idol, Alison Irehetta got sent home.  And I'm glad.  Because she's 16, and being 16 and a pop star just doesn't work out well for anyone.

Britney Spears

I don't know who was more traumatized...her, or us.  Either way, at least we learned last week that America can learn from it's mistakes.

The thing with the beast that Idol has become is that makes us feel better about ourselves, in much the same was porn does.  It gives us reason to be more confident in the choices we've made in life, and more conscientious about the sorts of faces we're willing to make in mixed company.  Idol gives us a small window of opportunity in which to feel superior, even though most of us couldn't carry a tune in *this* bag.  But at this point in the show, once we're down to the final three, it stops being something silly and mockable and starts being a serious, hardcore competition.  And so we embark tonight, AI's 300th episode, on an eight day siege of America's hearts and minds, a battle of good against evil, of endurance in the face of crushing odds, an epic saga the likes of which the world hasn't seen since the Spartans faced the Persians and fought to the pain.


May 06, 2009

American Idol Season 8 Top 4: Jesus Christ, They're Superstars!

Last week on Idol, Matt went home.  Praise be to your deity of choice.  I'm going with the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Paula_abdul_drug_problem This week on Idol, nothing at all is going to be as good as Paula Abdul finally admitting that she has a drug problem.  Which is really sad for her, what with her new single coming out and her career finally re-launching.  I mean, there's no way she can survive this.  No one does.  Just look at how it took Rush Limbaugh down.

Oh, wait....


April 29, 2009

American Idol Season 8: Ratz Travel In Packs. Brats Sing In Them.

Last week on Idol, the pressure finally got to Anoop Desai and after he went missing from a few rehearsals, the token lesbian and the guy who touched Tupak once went to his apartment and found him dead in a pool of his own blood.  This week on Idol, my kids are still up.  Because it's 8pm and April and at 8 pm in April it is still fairly sunny out in that way that you know you've lingered entirely too long after the garden party but you haven't quite stayed long enough to interrupt the host and hostess's drunk-off-the-melted-frozen-margarita-leftovers sex.  I dare tell my kids to go to bed with that much sun in the sky, and they find creative new ways to tell me to piss off.

So this isn't guaranteed to make so much as a lick of sense.  Like it ever does.

Powerpuff Girls Blossom *Breaking news flash!*  Reports are rolling in that Paula Abdul was involved in a hit and run accident on her way to the Fox Theater earlier this afternoon.  Reports indicate that during her commute from LaLa Land to the Fox Theater in Hollywood, when Ms. Adbul's tricycle failed to yield at a school bus crossing in Townsville, USA she ran dead smack into Blossom Puff.  Blossom' was last spotted splattered all over the front of Paula's dress.  


April 22, 2009

American Idol Season 8 Top 7

American Idol Season 8 Top 7 Disco Night Last week on American Idol, I was reallyreally drunk in a bar in Los Angeles when I was supposed to be watching Matt Giraud getting served his walking papers.  In a impressive display of karma's favorite dance move she likes to call Retribution, my passport was stolen by a pair of teal shoes, I caught strep throat from a baby who made three calls from my cell phone at 35,000 feet and Matt got a Get Out Of Jail Free card for the week.  Hell hath no fury like an overrated reality TV show scorned.

This week on Idol, it's casual Tuesday and we're stuck with Matt for yet another poorly-Timberlaked week.  The theme is disco and the weekly mentor is non-existent.  I got to wondering why and so I hit pause on the PVR, zipped to the airport and headed off to interview the Disco Greats of the world.


April 15, 2009

American Idol and Hollywood Unite in Borefest

American_Idol_Lookalikes Mr. Lady is not available for her usual American Idol recap.  The Palinode will be donning the hazmat suit and antigrav boots this week.

Last week on American Idol the kids took on songs from the year of their birth, which meant that the lamest power ballads of the eighties were hauled out for enjoyment.  Oh hai high school, you sucked the first time around.  The show ran eight minutes over, causing DVR users across the nation to kick their pets and head out to the bar, brokenhearted.  Also, Scott MacIntyre tried playing guitar, and for his presumption he was pushed into the giant Idol promotional vat of Coca-cola voted off the show and sent into the void of unwatched life.  I’ve seen those wastelands where former Idol contestants eke out their days, and it is not pretty.  And it’s off-Broadway.

We’re left with seven survivors bachelors contestants:

Fieldberry-haired Allison Iraheta
The magnificently endowed (eyebrow-wise) Anoop Desai
‘Guy who’s going to win this thing so why are we watching’ Adam Lambert
‘Murderable Matt’ Giraud (I swear that was his nickname in high school)
Regular breather Danny Gokey
Pulse haver Kris Allen
Actually good Lil Rounds

This week the plucky gang takes on music from the movies.  Expect an hour of midtempo porridge sweetened with the raisins of soulful howling.

Yes, this is the cross-promotional pimptastic orgy known as American Idol.  Cue cheesy graphics.


April 08, 2009

American Idol Season 8 Operation Piss Off Gen X. All Of It.

Megan Joy American Idol Top 9 eliminated Last week on Idol, Megan Joy went home.  Her bio on the AI site quotes her as saying that what she thought made a great performer was passion.  I'd say that, and not looking like a thrift store jewelry case.  Oh, and talent.

This week on Idol, Paula is wearing a strapless dress for the third week in a row and her back is pouring out of the top of her dress for the third week in a row.  It's all I can look at. And those crazy kids are performing songs from the year they were born. 

This should be oodles of fun.


April 01, 2009

American Idol Season 8, The Top 9 Sing The Top 40. And It Made Jesus Cry.

American Idol Season 8 Top 9

Last week on Idol, Michael Sarver went home to begin his career as Brett Favre's stunt double. This week on Idol, Paula is wearing a strapless pinata with a rock candy necklace. I already hate this night.


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