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Balls Archive


March 11, 2010

Brittany Murphy's Widower Continues to Display Classiness

Simon_monjack_brittany_murphy I'm not going to tell anyone how to react to grief. I have never had anyone really close to me die, and I would be willing to bet that once I got past the initial shock, I might drift to more douchey, lashing out behavior. The anger stage of grief might just be a nice way of saying that people trying to cope with tough events become really irritating and do things that are just very questionable. However...Simon Monjack should really think twice before taking a fresh, new date to an Oscar party just three months after Murphy's shocking death.

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March 08, 2010

Meet the Woman Who Kanye'd the Oscars

Elinor-burkett-oscars There was precisely one moment of genuine drama during last night's Oscars -- and I know, because I watched the whole thing, down to the bitter overlong end, going down with the ship much like Avatar's hope of avoiding the James Cameron backlash -- and that was during the acceptance speech for (of all things) Best Documentary Short Film winner Music by Prudence. It was weird! And awkward! And awesome!

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February 12, 2010

Carrie Prejean and Kyle Boller Engaged!

Boller-prejean Everyone's favorite surgically enhanced, anti-gay marriage, sex-tape making, evangelical Christian, Larry King backtalker dethroned beauty queen is getting married! To a football player! How American of her.

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January 28, 2010

From Paris with Love Shaping Up to Be My New Favorite Movie

John_travolta_from_paris_with_love Early last year, images of a bald and goateed John Travolta dressed in some kind of militant hipster outfit began circulating the internet. It seemed safe to assume that the get-up was for a movie, but I couldn't be sure. Perhaps the whole Scientology thing was moving into some next level business. Who knows?

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January 22, 2010

What I Wasn't Expecting Was This Stupid Movie

089480829X.l  So I made this hilarious joke on Monday about how Eli's Book in The Book of Eli wasn't "What To Expect When You're Expecting" and that's hysterical because what a stupid idea it would be to make a movie based on a reference book for expectant mothers! So guess what movie has been announced for 2012. Wait for it...  

What to Expect When You're Expecting. 

That it should open during an Apocalypse year only makes the rumor more credible.

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January 21, 2010

Captain Obvious Strikes Again! John Edwards Finally Admits That the Kid Is His

John_edwards John Edwards, in a bold move called telling the truth, has finally admitted, two freaking years after his ex-lover Rielle Hunter had his love child, that Frances Quinn Hunter is, indeed, his baby. Everyone knew it, and his wife Elizabeth Edwards pretty much said that she was, but he held out on the truth anyway.

How do we describe John Edwards' character? Sound it out now. S-H-A-D-Y.

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Conan O'Brien Gets SWEET Exit Deal

Im-with-coco The ugly Jay Leno/Conan O'Brien controversy that began a few weeks ago is coming to a pretty good resolution. Today, NBC announced that it reached an exit deal with O'Brien to the tune of $45 million. 

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January 15, 2010

The MamaPop Biggest Loser Challenge: Week 1

The_biggest_loser I was humbled by your response and participation in MamaPop's commitment to becoming way hotter. We're already smoking hot on the inside. And we're all smoking hot on the outside too, beneath all the fat. So let's work together to find our hotterness. Here's some advice from our new fitness consultants and also how Week 1 treated MamaPop.

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January 11, 2010

MamaPop Losers Want You To Join Them In Their Quest For Pride

The_biggest_loserThe MamaPop staff is just like you. Fat. But enough is enough. If 12 Step groups have taught us anything, it's that we need each other. So that's why the MamaPop staff started their own Biggest Loser competition. If we can't motivate ourselves, then we need to resort to clashing egos in search of bragging rights. AND YOU'RE INVITED. Unless you're scared.

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January 06, 2010

Kathy Griffin Is F**king Banned From CNN?

Kathygriffinpants  Oh come ON, CNN. Like your virgin ears were soiled. 

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January 05, 2010

BeautifulPeople.com Reminds Us of What Is Important in Life

Jocelyn_wildenstein The holiday season is about reflecting on what is good in life and finding some sense of gratitude and contentment, even in the darkest corners of existence. And New Year's is about obsessing over your flaws and embracing any superficial tendencies you have and resolving to become a better person and having nightmares about the plate of cookies that you ate. And one dating site is helping you to weed out the less-thans in life.

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January 04, 2010

Top-Played Songs of the '00s Paints a Bleak Musical Picture

Staind  Most people I know sort of shrug their shoulders about popular music. Some of it is okay, very little of it is really good, most of it is lowest-common-denominator crap deemed fit for human consumption, like so much Grade D beef. A necessary evil of sorts.

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Why I Will Not Be Recapping "The Worst Chefs In America" Or Conversely, Screw You, Cablevision

Foodnetwork_logo  People. I was all set. And then the inconceivable happened. Grab your hankies, this is a sad, sad story.

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December 31, 2009

Tooth Fairy Trailer Makes My Head Hurt

Tooth_fairy I don't even know what to say about this.

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December 25, 2009

Neil Patrick Harris Has His Balls Hung for Christmas

Nph-christmasNeil Patrick Harris decorated his Christmas tree and tweeted to the world:

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