MamaPop™

Gristle And the City: Vein Face Off

Can someone please explain to me what in the GD hell is going on with this new veiny gristle phase?  As a gal with an eating disorder, I can understand the screwed up mindset of being thin, but does the DSMV, when revised, need to include a new category for women who want to look like The Incredible Hulk, minus the Incredible?  Is this somehow the new "thing?"  If it is, I don't understand it at all. 

Don't get me wrong.  I try to be as fit as I can be and I enjoy any amount of leanness I can achieve.  And yes, everyone has different ideas on what is attractive, but... veins?  Arms that look like a slab of ground round?  

So, let's have the face-off, shall we?  Only, as we all know, there are no winners here.  Just some animated ground round, phone books torn in half and tears.

DEAR HULKY!

Dear Hulk,

I know that you are not a woman and probably will never have this problem, but I hope you can help.

I am currently pregnant (just leaving first trimester) and in a comfortable but boring job. It looks like I am very close to getting a new, more exciting, better paying job with a shorter commute. Here are my dilemmas:

The new job will be a lot of hard work, and what if I'm not up for it, given that I am pregnant and sleepy all the time? How to I tell them that I'm pregnant and I want a 12-week maternity leave without making them mad?

Help me, Hulky. You seem so smart.

-H

Dear Hulky!

Dear Hulk,

 

I am so stressed out. I am currently balancing a reasonably new (less than one year) marriage, an almost full-time job and a full course load at school. I have no energy, ever, no time to clean my house or cook a decent meal, and I feel like crying all the time. I'm gaining weight from all the crap I eat, since I also have no time for exercise and, therefore, I'm feeling really unattractive, too. As a result, I feel too tired, fat or preoccupied most of the time to have sex with my husband, something I used to really enjoy and something I know he still enjoys. My husband has been really supportive and hasn't been pressuring me, but I am still really bothered by my diminished sex drive and the fact that I don't have time to do the things that will make me feel better, like eating right and exercising. What should I do?

 

-Amber

DEAR HULKY!

if i have a crush on some1 what must i do?

Thomas

WELL, THOMAS, CRUSHES TERRIBLY EXCITING, DON'T YOU THINK! CRUSHES MAKE HULK ALL WOBBLY LIKE LIME JELL-O. PROBLEM WITH CRUSH, THOUGH, IS IF YOUR FEELINGS GET CRAZY OUT OF HAND AND THEN YOU SEE PERSON YOU HAVE CRUSH ON AND YOU RUN AWAY! HARD TO GET TO KNOW THIS PERSON WHEN YOU ARE ACTING LIKE A LUNATIC.

TAKE DEEP BREATH, THOMAS. GOOD, NOW TAKE ONE MORE. MY ADVICE, NEXT TIME THOMAS SEE CRUSH PERSON, DON'T THINK, DON'T PLAN OUT CONVERSATION IN ADVANCE AND THEN FORCE IT TO OCCUR, THOMAS JUST RELAX AND RESPOND AND BE GENUINE, MAKE SURE YOU TAKE SHOWER, LOOK SHARP. OKAY TO ACT A LITTLE GOOFY, SOMETIMES THAT CUTE, LETS PERSON KNOW YOU HAVE A LITTLE GIDDY FEELING. OR JUST SAY "HI" AND LET IT GO AT THAT! THEN NEXT DAY "HI, WOULD YOU LIKE ONE OF THESE DELICIOUS DONUTS I HAVE?" DONUTS NICE WAY TO BREAK ICE. GOOD LUCK, THOMAS.

NEXT: A LETTER OF THANKS!

Dear Hulky!

Salutations Hulk--

I just cannot believe it. What, you ask? My teenage daughter is rebelling and decided to pierce her ears on her own!! She didn't go to a professional but instead did it herself. Oh Hulk, what should I do? How do I refrain from grounding her for weeks on end? Should I only give her bread and water?

Thx,
A

BREAD AND WATER NOT ENOUGH NUTRITION FOR GROWING GIRL, POWER BARS AND BROCCOLI BETTER PUNISHMENT! NO, HULK BE SERIOUS NOW. GIRL WHO PIERCE OWN EARS VERY BRAVE GIRL, JUST IDEA OF PUSHING NEEDLE THROUGH SKIN MAKE HULK SICK. HULK THINK MOM SHOULD CUT LOSSES, ACCEPT PIERCING, EARRINGS COME OUT, NOT LIKE TATTOO. SAY, "OKAY! ME NOT LIKE THIS BUT YOU DID IT, YOU TAKE CARE OF EARS, NO INFECTIONS! ME STILL LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU PISS ME OFF." WHEN TIME TO PUNISH KIDS, HULK SAY, "HIT 'EM, THEN HUG 'EM." NOT LITERALLY HIT KID! HIT KID WITH WORDS, THEN HUG WITH ARMS. THEN CALL NEAREST TATTOO PARLOR, MAKE SURE THEY DON'T DO KIDS UNDER 18.

NEXT: OKAY TO BE NAKED AROUND KID?

 

DEAR HULKY!

Dear Hulk,

I am a 29 year old woman, in a very happy relationship with a wonderful man.  However, I've been thinking lately about an old boyfriend. I'm not interested in getting back together with him, yet I never really got closure.  What would you suggest I do to finally get over him and move on?

Anonymous

WAS OLD FLAME NICE OR A JERK? OPEN TO CONTACT? ENOUGH WATER UNDER BRIDGE, HULK THINK IT IMPORTANT TO LOOK PERSON IN FACE, SEE WARTS AND BAD BREATH, OTHERWISE FANTASY KEEP MEMORY ALIVE FOR LONG TIME.

THIS HAPPEN TO HULK ONCE, HULK HAVE FOND MEMORIES OF BRIEF ENCOUNTER, FIND OLD GIRLFRIEND ON INTER NET. READ GIRLFRIEND'S BLOG, OLD FEELINGS REKINDLED! BUT AFTER A FEW MONTHS E-MAILING, HULK REMEMBER REASON HULK AND OLD GIRLFRIEND BREAK UP, EVEN THOUGH SEX PHENOMENAL GIRLFRIEND HAVE BAD ATTITUDE ABOUT LIFE. HULK NOT TELL BETTY, HULK SEE NO POINT. MAYBE YOUR BOYFRIEND DIFFERENT. ANYWAY, CLOSURE OBTAINED.

HULK TELL YOU, HAVE STRONG HEART, SMASH FANTASY OF OLD RELATIONSHIP! GRRR! LOOK OLD LOVE IN FACE. WAS HE THE ONE? IF NOT, DESTROY FEELINGS AND MOVE INTO DEEPER LOVE WITH CURRENT BOYFRIEND! OKAY!

AFTER JUMP: MOM WON'T BUY GUITAR! TODDLER SLEEP ISSUES!

DEAR HULKY!

Hulk, I need help. I'm trying to become pregnant but I don't ovulate much. I have to take my temperature first thing every morning to help the doctor figure out what's going wrong, but I can't! It takes me ages to become fully conscious in the morning, and I really have to do it FIRST THING. I keep falling asleep with the thermometer in my mouth, forgetting the number, writing down an indecipherable number, or getting up to pee before I remember to take my temperature. What should I do to fix this?

Signed, Sleepy

DEAR SLEEPY!

HULK HAVE THIS PROBLEM! SO HARD TO GET UP IN MORNING. THEN HULK STOP DRINKING!

SLEEPY NEED BIG HORRIBLE ADRENALINE RUSH FIRST THING. SLEEPY NEED HATEFUL ALARM CLOCK! HULK SORRY TO RECOMMEND THIS BIG BIRD ALARM CLOCK. HAS BIG OBNOXIOUS BELLS ON TOP, WILL SCARE CRAP OUT OF YOU! PUT IT ACROSS ROOM, YOU LEAP OUT OF BED TO SHUT DAMN THING OFF! THROW IT ON THE FLOOR SMASH! GRRR, NOW YOU AWAKE! TAKE ACCURATE TEMPERATURE.

GOOD LOOK GETTING PREGNANT!

AFTER JUMP, HULK HELP ANNIE LOSE BABY WEIGHT!

DEAR HULKY!

Dear Hulk,

What skills, exactly, does it take to become a $5,500 an hour hooker? Please explain.

Nicole

HULK KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS ONE! NICOLE CANNOT STUMP THE HULK!

HULK ONCE VERY POOR, TRY TO CONVINCE RICH PERSON HULK DESERVE $5,500 AN HOUR. RICH PERSON TRY TO EXPLOIT HULK'S SEXUALITY, HULK GET VERY ANGRY! HULK EXERCISE HUMAN RIGHTS! EVEN THOUGH HULK NOT TECHNICALLY HUMAN.

HULK THINK THAT FOR PERSON TO EARN $5,500 AN HOUR, PERSON EITHER NEED LOTS OF EDUCATION OR BE REALLY GOOD AT PRETENDING TO ENJOY BEING ABUSED. HULK THINK SUCCESSFUL PROSTITUTE REALLY GOOD AT PRETENDING. ALSO HELPS TO BE PRETTY?

THIS QUESTION MAKE HULK SAD.

AFTER JUMP: ANN TOO PICKY TO FIND BOYFRIEND?

YOU NEED ADVICE FROM HULK!

HULK NOW WRITING ADVICE COLUMN FOR MAMAPOP!

OVERLORDS DECREE MONDAY TO BE "DEAR HULKY" DAY!

YOU SEND IN YOUR QUESTIONS!

HULK TALK KNOWLEDGEABLY ABOUT LOVE, SEX, ETHICAL DILEMMAS.

SEE HULK IN PHOTO, LISTENING TO BETTY?

HULK GOOD LISTENER.

NO PROBLEM! YOU ASK HULK!

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