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"Food" Archive


December 03, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Finale Part 1

Picture 3 Our remaining four heroes have made it to Napa. Ahhhh. Napa. I can smell the rotting grapes. No, really, I was there in October and on the last day I was a little hungover and the smell started really getting to me.  But this isn't about me. This is about Kevin, Jennifer and the Voltaggii, and as we join them, they are waiting for a train.

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December 01, 2009

Subway's Mostly Disastrous Advertising Record Redeems Itself...Slightly

Jared-pants The smell of Subway made me sick when I was pregnant and I still can't really eat there now, almost 8 years later. So, really, their advertising has no effect on me one way or the other. Therefore, I can offer a totally objective assessment.

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November 26, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas: Before the Finals (Sarah's Predictions)

Picture 2 Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, WTF? ANOTHER RERUN? Did somebody tell you I am a patient woman, Bravo because I fear you have been lied to.

Fine. I will try to gather my wits. Let us speak instead of the final four.

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November 19, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 12, Culinary Olympics

Picture 4 When we rejoin our heroes the top 5 chefs are getting ready for their most difficult challenge to date. Everyone is being sweet and and talking about our inspirations when Eli does something that I cannot abide.

The bitch misquotes "The Princess Bride".

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November 18, 2009

The Chocolate War - Let's Get Ready to Rumbuuuuuuuuuul!

Willy You like Chocolate.  Don't lie.  Everyone likes chocolate.  Wait.  That's a fairly broad interpretation/assumption.  Let's say that most of you like chocolate and the rest of you molest Collies.  Wait.  That's terrible too.  Okay.  Let's turn this crazy talk around.  You, at the very least, know someone who is crazy about chocolate.  Word?  Word.

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November 12, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 11, Strip Around the World

Picture 4 Before we begin out weekly Top Chef recap I would like to apologize for anything you read below that doesn't make sense. I caught my daughter's cold and then I walked around in the rain and then I went to an ice hockey game so I am currently all hopped up on goofballs. Cold medicine makes me silly.

Also, I don't think "Strip Around the World" is going to mean what I think it means, but a girl can always hope.

Let's get on with the show.

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November 09, 2009

Sarah Jessica Parker Speaks For None Of Us

Sarah-Jessica-Parker-Elle-Magazine-December-2009 Remind me to never to eat the cupcakes at Sarah Jessica Parker's house, because, seriously, when she says shit like this:

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November 06, 2009

Beyonce, What In God's Name Are You Wearing?

Beyonce-smTalented, beautiful, and undeniably fabulous... So explain this outfit to me.

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November 05, 2009

Top Chef Recap: All Stars Dinner

Top_chef_logo-mamapop Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.

But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.

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October 29, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 10, Meat Natalie, Craft Steak With a Twist You Saw Coming a Mile Away

Picture 2 As I accept the award for longest post title ever and episode 10 begins, our contestants are looking rough. Jennifer seems beaten down and people's metaphors have stopped making any sense.

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October 21, 2009

Let's Talk Biggest Loser For a Second

The-biggest-loser  And by a "second", I of course mean "a good 45 minutes" in Biggest Loser two-hour bloated-ass episode time. If I really want to capture the spirit of this show, I'll go ahead and repeat this entire opening bit after the jump, just like they do after each and every commercial break. Quick! Show me the last 30 seconds that I just saw a minute ago! I cannot remember! Dr. Rob says all my body fat has settled in my skull and is destroying my memory.

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October 15, 2009

Top Chef Vegas Recap: Episode 8, Pigs and Pinot

Chef tattoos Oh Top Chef producers, have you been reading my diary? Pork and Pinot Noir? Charlie Palmer? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? Those are a few of my favorite things.

Especially the part where there is pork belly and wine.

The guest judge is Charlie Palmer who not only has a high end steak house near my house (Hi Charlie!) but also happens to be the former boss of not one, but BOTH Voltaggio brothers.

Cue the ominous music people.

Bryan worked with Palmer for 10 years. Michael worked with the chef for one year. Chef Palmer assures the other contestants that he won't show any favoritism.

It gets interesting here. I was starting to tire of the brother on brother competition but as we get deeper into the season Michael seems to be spazzing out. I think the pressure is getting to him. He actually admits that he doesn't think Charlie Palmer likes him very much (which his big brother assures him isn't true) which made me uncomfortable. Back to the competition part, Charlie Palmer starts taking about pairings. This gentleman has got my number. Red meat? Wine pairings? I freaking love this guy!

For the Quick Fire Challenge the chefs have to pair a snack food with a dish.

I know! They tricked me too! It is almost like me doing this to you:

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October 08, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 7, The Dinner Party

DSC_0014 As our chefs begin the episode. It comes out that Jennifer is sick. We even get to see her run away to puke! If this were a drama or a sitcom I would think she was pregnant. Since this is reality tv I am going to guess H1N1. How trendy! Next week after she infects them all maybe we can have a scene like the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

The Padma introduces our special judge for the quick fire. It is Tyler Florence.

Now I feel nauseous too.

I don't know if it is my distaste for Tyler's superior attitude, the fact that Florence always reminds me of Applebees and the thought of riblets makes me want to vomit or if I caught the swine flu through the television.

Dude, you never know with HD.

Anyway the quickfire is some corporate website for the home cook nonsense that requires the remaining chefs to use three keywords.

Their keywords for mood, taste and texture and what kind of cuisine were decided by slot machine.

Oh Bravo, you are really trying hard to tie in the Las Vegas theme, aren't you. Good effort, I suppose, but I am distracted by Padma's Frayne Fashion polyester jumpsuit.

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Gourmet Folds But Curiously Miniature Donkey Talk Magazine Survives

Gourmet-magazine-2
Gourmet magazine announced earlier this week that it would cease publication after nearly 70 years in print. I wasn't a regular reader of the magazine since I could never understand why fifteen steps were required to make a scrambled egg, but I would pick it up occasionally if I wanted to get more adventurous and cook up something that required exotic ingredients and fancy gadgets. I think I remember a recipe that called for the use of a food mill, a nutmeg grater, a stapler and a pound of butterflies and it was delicious.

Not surprisingly, Gourmet's publisher Condé Nast blamed the magazine's demise on the tough economic climate. But how to explain the survival of some other more obscure publications that seem to be weathering our economic downturn? Yes, rest easy - you'll still be receiving your issues of Miniature Donkey Talk in the mail and your Girls and Corpses magazine subscription won't be running out anytime soon either.

Here's a rundown of some choice titles that have managed to outlive Gourmet at the newsstand:

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October 01, 2009

Top Chef Las Vegas: Midterm Report Card

Topchef__butcher_knife

Dig if you will a picture of me at 10:00 pm last night with a beer and my laptop just settled down to begin my weekly first viewing of Top Chef. Imagine my confusion when it seemed to be the same episode as last week. Visualize me mashing buttons on my remote control to figure out how I am accidentally watching something I recorded instead of the new "live" episode. Hear my words, ye people, as I yell profanities at my television when I realize that it is just a rerun and there will be no new Top Chef this evening.

Thumbs up their asses.

At first I panicked about what I was going to write about today, but then I realized that this was a perfect time for a midterm recap - a Top Chef state of the union. We won't discuss any members gone (even Mattin and his red kerchief) but instead let us focus on what is left, and I'll grade them, because that is always fun!

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