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Horror Archive


June 18, 2010

Silly Bandz Bans?

Silly-bandz  Did you know that Silly Bandz were a thing? Because I've been wearing them in my hair for a couple of months now and I had no idea.  

Of course you did, didn't you? 

Is a five-year old going to cut me for my pig? 

That sounds all kinds of wrong. 

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June 15, 2010

NBC's 100 Questions - Why Did I Watch This Show?

OneHundredQuestions So, there I was. It was a hot Thursday night in the good old Midwest and I was bored something fierce. The summertime television schedule had already smacked my face like a pimp looking for his money. I had an unconscious, drooling baby affixed to my chest and the remote was nowhere in sight.  Panicked, I instantly yelled for my four year old to find the remote and neatly place it in my hand. Not tonight. He was already fast asleep in his bunkbed. My last option was the wifey. Nope. No help there either. "I'm in the shower!", she screamed back. 

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May 14, 2010

I Was Going To Go See "A Nightmare On Elm Street" But No Way, Man!

Freddy You don't understand. The original "A Nightmare On Elm Street" fucked me up. I was thirteen, I was alone, and what I thought was going to be a quiet evening of touching myself turned into a nightmare of my own.

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May 09, 2010

Miley Cyrus' "Can't Be Tamed": A Boon For Creepy Old Men Everywhere

Miley-cyrus-cant-be-tamed2 Happy Mother's Day to all my fellow Moms out there! Hope you have an amazing day! 

That said, I have some bad news for y'all...

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May 06, 2010

Die Hard 5: Die Really Super Freaking Hard

Diehard-john-mcclaneJohn McClane has terrible luck. First he went to L.A. and Hans Gruber took his Christmas Party hostage, then he is flew out of Washington D.C. and terrorists take Dulles hostage, then he was in New York and Hans Gruber's brother Simons tracked him down and messed with him, then he got mixed up with Homeland Security and had to help them save the United States from internet terrorists.

You would think John McClane would retire.

You would hope John McClane would retire. 

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New Machete Trailer Released

Machete One of the best parts of the Quentin Tarantino/Robert Rodriguez double feature Grindhouse was the fake trailers that played in between Planet Terror and Death Proof. And of those trailers, Machete stood out for being so over the top and awesome.

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Vincenzo Natali's Splice Brings Dren To The World

Splice-poster World?  Meet Dren.  Dren?  Meet the World.  Now, watch out World.  Dren will eat your face.  Or something.  Something scary and super creepy involving squirrelly noises and weird eyes and a spikey, unpredictable tail.

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April 29, 2010

FOX and ABC Still Hate Plus-Sized People

Lane-bryant-ashley-graham-bra-ad-underwear-lingerieFOX and ABC got caught being prejudiced again. The last time I wrote about them it was about how they wouldn't run a gay dating commercial. This time, ABC refused to air a Lane Bryant commercial because it showed too much cleavage.

(commercial after the jump)

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Upcoming 3D Movies I Might Pass On

3d-audience My family and I go to the movies a fair amount, usually at least once a month. And I'm one of those people who actually likes the 20 minutes of trailers that play before the movie. I like seeing what's going to be coming out so that I can say, "Ohh, that looks good, we'll have to see that," or mercilessly snark on it, a la Mystery Science Theater 3000.

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April 26, 2010

Comedy Central Censors South Park Because Of Death Threats From Nerds Posing As Muslims

Trey-Parker_Matt-Stone South Park has a long history of insulting religions because religious people are funny when they're mad. If religious people weren't so funny when they get all frothy and sputtery, South Park wouldn't make fun of them. But that's just not going to happen. For example, South Park pissed off some Muslims who want the creators dead. Like, dead dead. Because of a fucking cartoon. Yay monotheism!

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April 19, 2010

Bob Dylan Is Still A Communist Threat But The Beatles Are No Longer A Hassle For Jesus

Bob-dylan black and white bernard ratzinger Bob Dylan is such a badass that China still fears him. However, in other 60s counterculture news, the Vatican finally made peace with the Beatles. "With all these pedophiles running around in vestments, who's got time to worry about the Beatles?" asked the Pope. Not really. But burn, man - I just burned the Pope hard.

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April 12, 2010

The Insane Clown Posse Ponders Some Science and S#*t

Insane-clown-posse In September 2009, the Insane Clown Posse released their eleventh studio album, entitled Bang! Pow! Boom! Recently, they released a music video for the single "Miracles." And, folks, it's EPIC.

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March 25, 2010

Birdemic: My New Cause

Birdemic I opened the New York Times site today and glanced at the headlines. Depressing. So I navigated my way to the Arts section to see if I could find something to write about today. And then, just like that, Birdemic: Shock and Terror entered my life.

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March 16, 2010

Corey Haim's Family Sells His Stuff on E-Bay

Haim_shirtless_corey As if the fact that Corey Haim died at 38 while battling drug addiction wasn't sad enough - now his family is raising the money for his funeral by selling the cuter of the two Corey's belongings on eBay.

Dark.

So you know, you have about a day and a half left if you want to buy Corey Haim's used toothbrush.

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March 11, 2010

Serial Killer Won "Dating Game"

Picture 11 Not that you need another reason not to go on "The Dating Game", but if you were considering using your hot tub time machine for this purpose I should tell you something - Bachelor #1 is going to start killing people in about nine months.

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