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Lame Archive


April 26, 2010

Comedy Central Censors South Park Because Of Death Threats From Nerds Posing As Muslims

Trey-Parker_Matt-Stone South Park has a long history of insulting religions because religious people are funny when they're mad. If religious people weren't so funny when they get all frothy and sputtery, South Park wouldn't make fun of them. But that's just not going to happen. For example, South Park pissed off some Muslims who want the creators dead. Like, dead dead. Because of a fucking cartoon. Yay monotheism!

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April 19, 2010

Bob Dylan Is Still A Communist Threat But The Beatles Are No Longer A Hassle For Jesus

Bob-dylan black and white bernard ratzinger Bob Dylan is such a badass that China still fears him. However, in other 60s counterculture news, the Vatican finally made peace with the Beatles. "With all these pedophiles running around in vestments, who's got time to worry about the Beatles?" asked the Pope. Not really. But burn, man - I just burned the Pope hard.

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April 16, 2010

Kiefer Sutherland Gets Thrown Out of Strip Club: For Stripping

Kiefer-sutherland No, no, no, Kiefer. When you go into a strip club the people who work there take of their clothes. You and the other patrons are supposed to keep your clothes on. Jesus, Sutherland, how do you expect a stripper to pay her way through college if you do her job for free?

I don't know what was going through his mind - maybe he thought he was in the champagne room, but a topless Kiefer Sutherland got thrown out of a "lap dance club called Stringfellows" in London on Thursday night.

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April 14, 2010

Fuzzy Wuzzy Was Disgusting, or Was She? It's a Hairy Situation When It Comes to Mo'Nique, Amanda Palmer, and Their Shaggy Sisters

Julia-roberts-hairy-armpit We have been conditioned to see body hair on women as brazen and unpalatable. While men's armpit, leg, and chest hair is out and about all over the globe, an otherwise pulchritudinous Julia Roberts is suddenly seen as unclean, her hirsute armpit a shameful slap in the face of social decency.

In an age when remaining as hairless as a nine-year-old girl is seen as a nearly mandatory social requirement for women, there is a slow swell rising against the tide of our present definition of femininity. Who are these women who have dared to bare their hair and brave the finger-wagging masses?

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April 12, 2010

A Picture of Heidi Montag Is How We Should All Kick Off Our Week

Heidi-montag-breast-implants-boobs Because after a picture of Heidi Montag, one's week can only go up from there, don't you agree? Also, now that I peruse MamaPop some, I've lately become fond of talking about Heidi and that's a depressing topic to talk about ad nauseum. I'm going to make a strong effort to avoid any post topic that is about Heidi or Spencer or The Hills or, hey, even really huge, fake breasts for a while. My promise to you. You're welcome.

Unless you like these topics and I'm willing to wager some of you do. Ahem.

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April 07, 2010

Bristol Palin Wants Poor Girls to Know That They Shouldn't Have Sex Like She Did Because They're Poor

Bristol-palin Bristol Palin, daughter of Sarah Palin, former Republican nominee for Vice President of the United States in 2008, and public face of wealthy teen motherhood, wants you to know something: 

It's okay for girls with money and famous mothers to have baby's outside of wedlock, but if you're poor and unknown, you had better think twice, or "pause before you play", as she terms it in a recent PSA.

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April 01, 2010

Madonna is a Hypocrite

Madonna-daughter-lourdes Madonna wants her 13 year old daughter, Lourdes, to dress more conservatively.

Ahem.

I myself am the parent of a young girl. I agree with the sentiment that thirteen year olds shouldn't dress like sluts. However, I do not feel like this particular woman has a leg to stand on.

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March 26, 2010

Robert Pattinson Hits Like Girl

RobertPattinson Ah, Robert Pattinson. He may be dreamy, he may be sparkly, he may be sexy and rich as hell, but he punches like a little girl.

RPattz said that the stunt personnel on the set of "Remember Me" laughed at him. They laughed at him when he had to punch them in the face for a fight scene.

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March 16, 2010

Corey Haim's Family Sells His Stuff on E-Bay

Haim_shirtless_corey As if the fact that Corey Haim died at 38 while battling drug addiction wasn't sad enough - now his family is raising the money for his funeral by selling the cuter of the two Corey's belongings on eBay.

Dark.

So you know, you have about a day and a half left if you want to buy Corey Haim's used toothbrush.

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March 05, 2010

Heidi and Spencer Plan Their Next Gimmick

Heidi-Spencer Pratt Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are famous for being ridiculous; it seems like every headline I read with their name in it is more ridiculous than the last.

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February 24, 2010

Spencer Pratt Tries to Outdo Heidi Montag's Fake Addiction with His Own Fake Addiction

Spencer_pratt_crystal_thumb HA HA HA HO HO HO. This Spencer Pratt character is such a card.

Remember how his once-cute wife, Heidi Montag, suddenly came down with an addiction to plastic surgery that expressed itself all in one day? I think Pratt figured that they were on to something with this addiction thing, and, because they need attention to get paid, he decided that he needed to one-up her brand of fake crazy (see: bland, also boring) with an even stupider brand of fake crazy.

Spencer Pratt has decided that he is ADDICTED TO CRYSTALS.

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February 17, 2010

Snooki and JWOWW Only WISH They Were Proper Guidettes. Wannabes.

Jwoww_snooki_thumb Snooki and JWOWW of Jersery Shore fame only WISH they could rightfully lay claim to the high status of guidette (pronounced gwee-dett), but they cannot.

Why? JWOWW let it slip on an episode of FoxNews.com's The Strategy Room that neither she nor Snooki are even Italian, as they would have had us believe with all their proud guidette posturing on MTV over the past many months. It seems that the inflati-boobs, the Bump-Its, and the New Jersey high life were just too alluring for these two non-Italians to pass up.

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February 11, 2010

Did Evander Holyfield Hit His Wife?

Evander_holyfield All domestic violence is terrible. All of it. So why am I always more offended when a boxer is charged with hitting his spouse?

Oh, right. Because they are trained fighters. They punch other large men for a living.

This is why I am mortified that Evander Holyfield's wife has filed a protective order against him.

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February 10, 2010

John Mayer Doesn't Know When to Shut Up

John-mayer John Mayer just did a pretty personal interview (as far as Hollywood interviews go) for Rolling Stone where he talked about masturbating and Jennifer Aniston, not in the same sentence but fairly close together. I thought, "Well, hope he got all that out in the open and goes back to just tweeting his stupid thoughts." Apparently not. He has since done an interview with Playboy where he he goes on and on and on about things he perhaps should not be going on and on and on about.

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Kate Gosselin Is Coming Out with Another Book, And She Just Cut Off Her Stupid Hair Extensions, Because She Knows I Am So Right

Kate_gosselin_thumbOf course, you can't see Kate Gosselin's stupid hair extensions in the picture at the left, because that photo was taken prior to her stupid hair extensions when she had that other stupid hair that everyone mocked with Halloween wigs and she put out that other book called Multiple Blessings, only they put an 8 in for one of the Ses so the title read Multiple Bles8ings, which made it look more like Multiple Bleedings, but what do I know about publishing books?

Anyway, Kate Gosselin, formerly of the reality television show Jon & Kate Plus 8 and now a BESTSELLING AUTHOR — omigod, really? — is coming out with a third book.

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