One year ago today I was sitting in a terrible college summer dinner theater performance, killing my iPhone battery from relentless under-the-table Googling and scrolling through a deluge of "Michael Jackson is dead" updates on Tweetie.
My mind was blown. It was a weird day. Farrah died. Michael died. Scroll scroll scroll.
Knight and Day, the Tom Cruise / Cameron Diaz action movie that asks the question "Why the hell am I sitting in this theater?" opens today and it's only real competition is Grown Ups, that movie about Adam Sandler and his friends acting stupid for the millionth time, which looks equally horrific so maybe this is the weekend where we all just stay indoors. What do you say? I'll rent Memento. It'll be awesome.
You guys. This is it. This is our big chance. Last night, DinoShark appeared before me, awash in heavenly light, and said, "Raaaahhh!" And because I operate on a higher plane of existence, one where DinoShark and I dish, I knew that that meant, "Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their made-for-TV cinema!"
Remember those hideous looking Troll dolls from the '60's? Troll Dolls, Leprocauns, Dam Dolls, Gonks, Wishniks, Treasure Trolls, or Norfins? Ugly little bastards, is what they were. An ugly fad that never seemed to go away completely. They made comebacks in every subsequent decade, for some reason, but they never got any cuter. But they were just dolls. Dolls made to scare the bejesus out of kids for no particular reason.
Their decades-long trendiness is apparently enough to warrant a movie deal.
OH THE HUMANITY. Um, I haven't seen the new Toy Story movie, but this parody, found for us by our sisters at The Bad Moms Club, proves that I'll never look at Buzz and Woody the same way again. Check it.
The first official poster for the new Facebook movie, The Social Network, has just been released and DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU READ. Because it's full of lies. Well, maybe not so much lies as probable future forecasts, but whatever. LIES, I tell you. LIES.
Alright Pixar. We get it. Enough already. We KNOW you make films with impeccable quality and wonderful story that play with us while at the same time redefining our understanding of what an animated film can be. We've been with you THE WHOLE TIME. Making Toy Story 3 that good, is just showing off. Think about poor Fox Studios. They just released Marmaduke. How Do you think this makes THEM feel?
Maybe you live in a world where a movie like Middle Men, a fictionalized account of the guy who discovered how to charge for porn on the internet, is not completely interesting. But Sir/Madam, I don't want to live in that world. I believe in truth, justice, and looking at threesomes for a reasonable monthly cost. Without brave patriots like Christopher Malick, where would we be. Where. Would we. Be?
Remember way back yesterday when I worried about the quality of the pending Fraggle Rock movie? Well. At least you don't have to wonder about the Smurfs movie. Neil Patrick Harris introduces the new teaser trailer after the jump.
Entries were trickling in until the late hours of Wednesday night. Well, not so much "trickling in" as "blasting in with the crippling force of a fire hose". And so the time has come, the walrus said, to talk of many things. Like shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings. But mostly to announce the winners, of course.
Random Number Generator had PLENTY of entries to choose from, so let's see what it came up with...
Because every movie concept that could ever possibly exist has apparently already been imagined and fully- realized, every fucking week another studio announces another inevitably-terrible, uncalled-for remake. This week's impending-bastardization announcement comes courtesy of the creative geniuses at The Mark Gordon Company, who are reportedly looking for writers for a Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead remake.
HAHAHAHAHA! Tom Cruise's Les Grossman character is HYSTERICAL. He's overweight and hairy and despicable and swears a lot and does unnecessary hip-hop dancing! Get it? He's white! Man! I haven't seen anything that funny since 7th grade when a bunch of bully assholes beat up a weak kid and then called him "Fag-aro" instead "Figgaro". Someone ought to make a movie about Les Grossman! Wait... What? I was being sarcastic! NO!
Ah, June - the month when the schools close forcing me to take care of my own children ALL. DAY. LONG.
*hyperventilates*
June is also the month where I go to buy my husband a father's day card only to be inundated with graduation cards reminding me that I graduated from high school almost 20 years ago. True story. I graduated from high school 19 years ago in good old 1991. Remember 1991?
Dogtooth is a film from Greece that won some award at Cannes that I could totally read if I cared what French people had to say ever. And from what I can gather from the trailer, everyone in Greece is huffing paint fumes and doing 8-balls of cocaine pretty much all the time.
For now, we are safe from the scourge of a Friends movie. But Courteney Cox has tentatively expressed to the Los Angeles Times her desire to see it happen. Now that the idea is out there, floating in the universe, there's really no reason to think that it's impossible.
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