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"Movies" Archive


May 07, 2010

Psychopathic Telekinetic Killer Tire? Psychopathic Telekinetic Killer Tire.

Rubber-poster-1  Rubber is a movie about a tire named Robert, who, upon stumbling upon a pile of burning tires, goes on a rampage and seeks revenge against the human race by using his telepathic powers to explode their heads. I was considering stopping this post at the first sentence. I couldn't write anything that good in infinity years. Wanna see a trailer? Click on...

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May 06, 2010

Die Hard 5: Die Really Super Freaking Hard

Diehard-john-mcclaneJohn McClane has terrible luck. First he went to L.A. and Hans Gruber took his Christmas Party hostage, then he is flew out of Washington D.C. and terrorists take Dulles hostage, then he was in New York and Hans Gruber's brother Simons tracked him down and messed with him, then he got mixed up with Homeland Security and had to help them save the United States from internet terrorists.

You would think John McClane would retire.

You would hope John McClane would retire. 

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Vincenzo Natali's Splice Brings Dren To The World

Splice-poster World?  Meet Dren.  Dren?  Meet the World.  Now, watch out World.  Dren will eat your face.  Or something.  Something scary and super creepy involving squirrelly noises and weird eyes and a spikey, unpredictable tail.

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May 04, 2010

Dates for New Batman Film Announced

Christian-bale-batman After much speculation, Warner Bros announced that the third Christopher Nolan Batman movie will be released on July 20th, 2012. Good thing they have a while. Because that's all they've said.

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May 03, 2010

Rupert Grint is a Wild Target. Terrible Name.

Wild-target-rupert-grint  Like many British Comedies, Wild Target is filled to the brim with English people. And I don't mean normal English-speaking people from Ohio or whatever, I mean the kind with tea and crumpets and monocles and Eliza Doolittles. Now as most people know, the British invented comedy so this one looks especially funny and one of it's stars is Rupert Grint, the man whose name is synonymous with laughing at it.

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April 30, 2010

Fox Will Digest "Commando" and Then Evacuate Its Bowels All Over Us

Arnold Schwarzenegger Commando movie poster  Every once in a while a film comes along that captures a moment in time so perfectly that the only way it's memory could ever be soiled is if the a-holes at Fox decided to remake it 25 years later effectively doing away with everything likable about the original and substituting in barf, garbage, and skanks. I'm actually not sure about the skanks, but that word goes great in a list that starts out "barf,garbage and....". Any way, Guess what they're remaking NOW? No seriously. Guess. If you're confident with your answer, or read the title of this post, click the link below to see if you win the prize. Which, in this case, is more of my genius writing.

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April 29, 2010

Who Is The Best Movie Villain Of All Time?

Anthony Hopkins Hannibal Lecter Silence of the Lambs I'm talking about the villains we hate to love. The ones who almost make the movie, and, in some cases, simply do make the movie. I have my own opinions, but which movie villain left you chilled and huddled in a corner? Or just captivated you with a gripping performance by the actor/actress? I'm sure some of my own choices will surprise you. 

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Upcoming 3D Movies I Might Pass On

3d-audience My family and I go to the movies a fair amount, usually at least once a month. And I'm one of those people who actually likes the 20 minutes of trailers that play before the movie. I like seeing what's going to be coming out so that I can say, "Ohh, that looks good, we'll have to see that," or mercilessly snark on it, a la Mystery Science Theater 3000.

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Are Back. The Internet Never Lies.


TMNT Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Raphael Donatello Michaelangelo LeonardoThe Internets are all a-buzz in anticipation of an all-new live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie.  Could it be true?  Are they bringing the lean, green, fighting machines back to the big screen?  It looks like it will be so.  I'm singing the theme song already.  And so will you be, shortly.

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April 28, 2010

Let's Pretend It's 2009 and 2012 Just Came Out

2012 movie poster roland emmerich Hey, kids. It's been a few months, but it's time for another cutting-edge film review for parents - meaning, "having all these kids means I don't get to see anything in a theater that doesn't feature talking animals, but thanks to the magic of DVD Blu-Ray, I manage to be only 6-10 months behind the zeitgeist." This month's installment brings us another banner addition to the long and proud tradition of craptastic apocalyptic cinema, á la The Core, Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, Deep Impact, War of the Worlds and the ne plus ultra of end of the world filmmaking (aka the greatest movie ever made) Armafuckinggeddon. Everyone, say hello to 2012.

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April 26, 2010

Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call...Do I Really Have To Type ALL This?

Bad-lieutenant-nicholas-cage I had a choice this weekend. I could've gone to the theater and watched The Backup Plan or just stayed home and watched Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans. That choice is like having a delicious dinner followed by just the right amount of ice cream so that your palate is cleansed but not so much that you feel bloated and gross or being forced to pay someone $1000 to crap in your mouth. I went with Nicholas Cage on this one. He was the "ice cream" choice for those new to metaphors.

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April 22, 2010

Brendan Fraser's New Movie, Furry Vengeance: What Say You?

Brendan-fraser-furry-vengeance Next Friday, April 30, Brendan Fraser's new movie, Furry Vengeance, premieres. If your first thought upon hearing this news was, "I don't know that America is ready for anthropomorphic lovin' and fightin'. Especially not if Brendan Fraser is sporting a fuzzy tail," you're not alone. 

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April 21, 2010

Steal From The Rich: Is Russell Crowe's Robin Hood Really Necessary?

Russell-Crowe-Robin-Hood So like millions thousands presumably more than a dozen other Entertainment Weekly subscribers, I was surprised this past weekend when reading through the annual Summer Movie preview to discover that Robin Hood is being remade... again... this time featuring surly Australian dude Russell Crowe as the titular onetime British-noble-turned-fight-the-power brigand.

All of which begs the question: why?

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Robert Downey Jr. To Star In The Wizard Of Oz Prequel - My Brain Might Explode

Wizard-of-Oz Production Weekly leaked some pretty significant news through Twitter yesterday:

'Sam Mendes is the front runner to direct "Oz The Great And Powerful" by Mitchell Kapner, with Robert Downey, Jr. circling to play the Wizard'

My computer nearly had a seizure, it was so excited. 

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April 19, 2010

Kick Ass Headline Lacks Stupid Play-On-Words.

Kick Ass cover issue 03 hit girl second printing  Kick Ass opened this weekend, and I was lucky enough to attend the premiere. okay actually it wasn't the "premiere" as in the gala press event held by the studio to drum up support for its film. It was the kind of premiere where I went the day after it opened and I had to pay for my ticket and instead of a red carpet there were two girls in the lobby chewing gum and asking each other if the new Twilight was coming out soon. But otherwise same thing. Was it a good movie? That's a secret I'll take to the grave assuming I'll die when you hit the link below.

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