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Science Archive

June 17, 2010

Ozzy Osbourne's DNA to Be Mapped, Played Backwards to Find Satanic Messages

Ozzy-osbourne A group of scientists at a genetics firm have plans to analyze Ozzy Osbourne's genetic code purportedly to better understand how drugs are absorbed into the body. Osbourne was chosen for this project because of his notoriously excessive abuses and seemingly miraculous survival.


May 11, 2010

BREAKING: Isabella Rossellini is a Porn Star. A Green Porno Star. FOR OUR CHILDREN.

Isabella-rosselini-green-pornoIsabella Rossellini gets f&cked by a duck. 

You think I'm kidding? 


March 15, 2010

National Geographic Gives the Lowly Sperm Its Due

Sizing_up_sperm1 We all know a highly fertile couple or two. You know, the folks who spout such lovely gems as, "I get pregnant if my husband looks at me." Funny, perhaps obnoxious, but obviously a gross exaggeration. National Geographic has set out to break down just how big of a chance it is to successfully conceive with their new special, Sizing Up Sperm.


February 25, 2010

Are You Ready for Some Mother*%&#%@$ DINOSHARK?


The Earth gets warmer. The glaciers break apart. A prehistoric egg thaws and hatches. It's Dinoshark. HOLY $%*(#)^ @&^*!!!!!!ONE!


November 23, 2009

Weird Science: Galileo's Missing Fingers Found at Last

Severed Fingers I know it is a little late for Halloween but do you guys want to hear something really scary? They just rediscovered two of Galileo's fingers in Italy.

Actually, two of his fingers and a tooth.


November 12, 2009

Great Lagomorph Lingams! That Rabbit's Got a Brand New Penis!

Bunny_chicken If my e-mail spam folder is any indication, humans are obsessed with the length, girth, and efficacy (see also: the ability to "subdue se7ven w0men w 1 blow") of the male penis. Medications, manual pumps, visual stimuli, and animals driven to endangerment in the name of longer, harder, faster can try as they might, but all the tadalafil in the world can't fix what's truly broke, which is why science has taken it one step further and created artificial rabbit penises.


October 21, 2009

In Which I'm Kanye'd by Pluto. The Planet, Not the Lovable Disney Dog.

Exoplanet In science-y, smart mo-fo news, and exoplanet conference was held a few days ago in Porto where a team of Smart MoFo's did a massive TA-DA(!) regarding their fancy new High Accuracy Radial Velocity Planet Searcher, or HARPS as it's known to the Fonzies of the telescope crowd, has discovered some 32 new exoplanets increasing the number of low-mass planets by a panty dropping 30%.


September 03, 2009

Chicks with Dicks: Why Is Lady Gaga Asked for Proof but Prince Gets a Pass?

Lady_GagaLady Gaga has been put under the microscope for supposedly being misleading when it comes to her gender representation, by which I am referring to a recent video crotch shot of her at the Glastonbury Festival which supposedly reveals a larger bulge between her legs than one might expect. Personally, I don't really see it, but enough people have been so moved by her supposedly monumental mound that they have been typing out the word hermaphrodite all over the internet with the feverish zeal of a witch hunt.

Why does a barely-there crotch bump on someone publicly identified as female cause people to feel that they have the license to ask her for proof of her genital structure when Prince, a somewhat feminine male whose crotch bump is often barely apparent, is left in relative peace as it concerns his specific anatomy?


August 27, 2009

Loch Ness Monster Found on Google Earth

Loch_ness_2_lg Even modern-day cryptids cannot escape the all-seeing eye of those blasted satellites. They're like the new paparazzi, snapping images of a pissed-off Bigfoot who's all, I'M JUST GETTING A GODDAMN LATTE. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Unbelievable, unconfutable evidence after the jump!


August 18, 2009

Somebody Get This Giant Rat-Eating Plant a TV Deal Quick!

Anna_Paquin Before I go any further, I'd just like to remind everyone of how I predicted two weeks ago that the box office take for G.I. Joe would drop 58% on the second weekend.  So now the numbers are in, and how much it did drop?



Okay, so have you seen this giant rat-eating plant? Is this giant rat-eating plant the future of show business?  Bear in mind that I've pretty much got my foot on the future's neck here.


August 17, 2009

The 80's Will Not Die: Hauntings, Deadbeats, Arrests Oh My!

Michael_jackson Just when we thought we were out, they pull us back in. Oh, 80s musicians! When will you have done with your wacky high jinx?

Didn't grunge kill you? Then why won't you stay dead? Stop insisting on us to wake you up before we go-go. We're already gone-gone. And yet everywhere we look, there you are.

When did the alternative to making music become getting arrested? And good God, Michael Jackson rest in peace. You've got no business in LL Cool J's dreams.


District 9 Is Not Where They Keep The Sexy Aliens

District_nine I just got back from the premier of District 9, (but it was only the premier in that it was the first time I watched it, not the actual tuxedo one that I NEVER seem to get invited to) and I really have no idea what I just watched. Or whether or not I liked it. I think I did. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did. I might have to get back to you on that one. Also I'm not sure how to categorize it. Is Surgery Channel-Sci-Fi-Fake Documentary-Horror a category? Because if it is, this movie is getting the fucking Oscar. Because it was definitely the best one of those I've ever seen.


July 16, 2009

Oldest Woman to Give Birth Dies Leaving Two Year Old Twins

Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara and twins Remember a couple of years ago when that woman lied to a fertility clinic and told the doctors that she was 55 and she ended up having twins at 66?

Yeah, her of upstanding morals and no fucking clue what a multiple pregnancy can do to one's body.

Her name was Maria del Carmen Bousada de Lara and she died this week. Now her two year old twins are orphaned.


May 01, 2009

Hulu Ate Mah Braaaaains PLUS Kelly Video Winnahs, Ahoy!

Eliza_dushku_dollhouse Look at me, I'm multitasking! I'm dang near multitasktastic! Huzzah!

Sooooo you might have heard by now that I've gone cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs over this Dollhouse show, to such a degree that I'm practically harassing the internet about it. The internet might have to take a restraining order out on my ass, in fact. I mean, I am after all a documented stalker. BOO! FEAR ME!!!!

Oh c'mon, please? sigh.

But to give credit and/or blame where credit and/or blame is due, I watched almost all of Dollhouse entirely by way of Hulu.com, that new-fangled TV on the internet thing all the kids have been talking about. And it's really quite remarkable. TV! On your computer! It's like we're living in the 21st Century or something!!! Oh, wait...


April 28, 2009

Factory Farming Partially to Blame for Swine Flu?

Swine_flu I am already so sick of hearing about swine flu. On the off-chance that this really is the pandemic that wipes us all out, I will gladly accept many I-told-you-sos. For now, I'm leaning toward believing that it's a "glamorous" story that the media can beat to death.

It is a serious issue, though, particularly for people living and working in Mexico, who have been the hardest hit by the illness. As of today, 152 deaths and 1,600 illnesses are believed to be swine flu.

Residents and workers near a Smithfield Foods plant in Perote, Mexico, think that the factory-farming giant may be at least partially to blame for the outbreak.


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