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Signs Of The Apocalypse Archive

December 31, 2009

Tooth Fairy Trailer Makes My Head Hurt

Tooth_fairy I don't even know what to say about this.


December 28, 2009

22 People Who Died In 2009 & A Couple Who Didn't

Skull For a lot of people who started out alive in January, 2009 sucked because they died. I guess we made out pretty good, didn't we? Being not dead is the way to be. So here's a list of the best people who died in 2009. That sounded awkward. I don't know how else to say it. If you're dead and didn't make the cut, I'm sorry you're dead. I'm serious. It sucks that you died.


December 15, 2009

Domino's Pizza Resurrecting the Noid

The_noid Until I had heard about this the other day, I had blissfully forgotten about Domino's ill-conceived advertising campaign of the late 1980s. But now, the Noid is making a slow comeback. And...argh!


December 10, 2009

R. Kelly to Pen Memoir; I Predict a Call from Oprah's Book Club People

R_kelly_zorro_mask I think, as a writer, I should be irritated or offended that R. Kelly has a deal to write his memoir, and I should use this opportunity to rant about how they'll give book deals to anyone, but I'm not.


December 09, 2009

Jessica Simpson and Billy Corgan? Excuse Me, I Just Threw Up A Little

Jessica-simpson1  I'M SORRY, WHAT?!?!?!??


December 07, 2009

Meet Mr. Su-Su Kumar - The Person Who Pees in Public.

BigDaddy_peeing_on_wall I don't know what the hell is going on in New Delhi, India but apparently it involves a good deal of public urination.

I mean, it is enough of an issue to require an ad campaign with cute little guys with adorable names.


December 04, 2009

Lock Up Your Daughters: Roman Polanski is Out on Bail

Roman-polanski Frigging Roman Polanski is loose again. 

Sort of.


November 18, 2009

WTF Times Three: Johnny Depp Is the Sexiest Man Alive, Fish Are Being Eaten That Are Still Breathing, and Anissa Mayhew Had a Stroke

Johnny_depp_people_magazine I woke up this morning to three pieces of news that made me just want to crawl right back into bed. Johnny Depp has been named Sexiest Man Alive by People magazine, people have taken to eating deep-fried fish while the fish are still struggling to breathe on their plates, and Anissa Mayhew suffered a stroke yesterday.

I think the universe needs to go back on its anticonvulsants.


November 16, 2009

MTV's 'Jersey Shore': Yet Another Cross For My Beloved State To Bear

New-jersey-map So MTV has this new show about a bunch of self-professed "guidos" who rent a house down the shore. They're idiots, there's lots of booze, fights, sex, and all other things that makes MTV the braintrust it is.


November 13, 2009

Get Ready To Lose Your Breakfast: Jon Gosselin Sex Tape Rumors are Rampant

Jon-gosselin-cocaine Well kids, it was bound to happen: The Enquirer is reporting that there's a sex tape of Jon Gosselin floating around.  That excites me so much that my clitoris just shrunk inside my body in horror and I may never see it again.  Thanks Jon, you take douchebag to a whole. new. level.


November 10, 2009

I'll Have a Large Popcorn, a Coke, Some Reese's Pieces, and Some Post-Apocalyptic Paranoia

2012_movie_poster1 I'm going to tell you a secret and then immediately after this post is published you'll probably never hear from me again because I'll be whisked away to a secret location and killed or be forced to undergo extensive plastic surgery and a total identity change. Kurt and I are the same person, much in the same way Janet and LaToya and Michael Jackson were the same person, just with different hats. Kurt and I go to see the same movies because we are one and the same. Then we have differing opinions on said movies just to mess with you.

I'm pretty sure this is true. Or maybe the trailers that I saw before The Men Who Stare at Goats got to me.


November 05, 2009

Weezer Snuggies: The Perfect Marriage of Nerdery and Warmth

Weezer_snuggie Before I get into this, I want to remind you that I will not tolerate any Snuggie haters. Snuggies are awesome and if you can't deal with my luxurious, ultra-soft fleece, get out of the kitchen. Or off of my couch. Whatever. I'll cut you and your trapped hands.


November 04, 2009

Speidi Transmogrify Themselves Into Jon & Kate Gosselin: How to Make Me Lose My Faith in Humanity in One Easy Step

SpeidiHeidi and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi, are one of two of the greatest traffic accidents going on reality television these days, and by "traffic accident", I mean that I love to watch The Hills just to see if Spencer is still wearing that completely ridiculous, oversized cowboy hat and if Heidi will invite the neighbour kid, Enzo, over for Spencer to throw golf balls at again.

It all just goes too far, though, when they are hybridized with reality television's other greatest traffic accident, Jon and Kate Gosselin.


October 27, 2009

Fresh Hell: Mall Cop Director to Remake Short Circuit

Short_circuit Here's some input I didn't really need: Steve Carr, the d-bag responsible for Paul Blart: Mall Cop, has been signed by Dimension Films to direct a remake of Short Circuit, the 1986 sci-fi-lite flick in which a robot out-acted Steve Guttenberg and Ally Sheedy, which is almost an impressive feat.


October 08, 2009

Levi Johnston's Playgirl Spread: Why Comedy Writing Is Hard

Playgirl Every day, the comedy writer waits, and waits, and waits, for something to happen to get snarky about. Sometimes there's very little to work with, sometimes, there seems to be NOTHING to work with, as if every batshit celeb took the day off, just to spite the writer.  And then there are the times that comedy writing seems to take a life of its own, and the words spring forth like so many crested waves upon the ocean, covering the sand with laughter.

Friends? This is one of those times.


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