MamaPop™

Kids Do The Hills Better Than The Hills Does The Hills

So I watch The Hills.  SO WHAT?  It's not like I'm proud of it or anything.  It's not like I like the show so much that I followed one of it's spawn across the country and now also watch them every week in The City.  SO WHAT if I did?  It's for research, is what it is.  Yes.  And this research has shown me that The Hills is a really, really stupid show.

There Are So Many Things Wrong With This Cover, I Don't Know Where To Start

Punch #1 to the nuts of feminism: Kim Kardashian has lost 5 lbs in 5 days to exact revenge on her former boyfriend, Reggie Bush, for moving on too quickly.  Because that's healthy.  Not just the pound-a-day diet, the idea that she needed to get skinnier to make her ex jealous. 

And that's just the beginning of wrongness that is splattered all over the place with this week's Life & Style cover.

A Picture of Heidi Montag Is How We Should All Kick Off Our Week

Because after a picture of Heidi Montag, one's week can only go up from there, don't you agree? Also, now that I peruse MamaPop some, I've lately become fond of talking about Heidi and that's a depressing topic to talk about ad nauseum. I'm going to make a strong effort to avoid any post topic that is about Heidi or Spencer or The Hills or, hey, even really huge, fake breasts for a while. My promise to you. You're welcome.

Unless you like these topics and I'm willing to wager some of you do. Ahem.

Where There's Smoke, There's Hopefully a Speidi Divorce

I once swore never to refer to Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag as Speidi because it made me want to vomit and why do that to myself? I wanted to throw up every minute of the nine months I was pregnant, why make the decision to feel that way one minute longer than necessary? But, those two crazy kids recently said this, "We are no longer Speidi but Spencer and Heidi" so I'm just totally denying their wishes and loving every minute of it.

Heidi and Spencer Plan Their Next Gimmick

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are famous for being ridiculous; it seems like every headline I read with their name in it is more ridiculous than the last.

Heidi Montag is Using More Words Incorrectly

Last time we spoke of Heidi, she was trying to convince us "obsessed" wasn't two shakes away from "addicted" and absolutely no one on the planet was convinced. She's still talking about the plastic surgery that frightened an entire nation, but this time she's even more out of touch with the English language than before.

Heidi Montag's Mommy Make-Over

Spencer Pratt might want to think twice before curling up by the fire with his newly-buxom wife, Heidi Montag. Girlfriend is so full of plastic, she might just melt.

Heidi Montag Isn't Addicted to Plastic Surgery But She Is Obsessed, Which is Totally Different

Oh, Heidi. As much as I find you ridiculously intolerable and also downright stupid, I also feel very, very badly for you because you are 23 and you have now racked up more plastic surgery than most celebrities twice your age. What's more, you see nothing at all wrong with that or the message it sends. And not that MTV reality stars are exactly known for their stellar role modeling, but I would say even the densest of the bunch (I'm looking at any one of the stars of the last ten seasons of The Real World) would call ten plastic surgery procedures in one day "addicted" and also "slightly messed up OMG."

My Top Ten Celebrity Memory Making Moments of 2009

Is it just me or has 2009 been chock o' full to the brim with unusually  head-scratching celebrity stuff? I found all the following stuff weird, interesting, or baffling and it just seems this year offered more fodder than usual. Either that or my memory is retaining more information which seems highly unlikely considering I can't even remember if I ate today.

Friday Combo Platter: Wait...Am I on Nitrous? Edition

Usually, when I transcribe the email threads for the combo platter, I edit them slightly so that the replies are in order. But sometimes, Gmail plays tricks on me and sends me emails out of order, but then looking back they seem to be in order, and maybe I just dreamed that. And...hey...is that a unicorn?

Spencer & Heidi: Name the Married Liars' Baby!

I know you're as sick of Speidi as I am, but bear with me.  So Spencer Pratt revealed this week that he went and saw a doctor about a vasectomy.  Without telling Heidi. But wait, she's just as bad:

I Might Pick Watching Jon Gosselin Over This

So, it seems Heidi and Spencer aren't content acting like the worst-matched couple in reality-television history on "The Hills" alone each week and would prefer to "branch out" to a show of their very own. Because, OH YES, that's precisely what this world needs: a little more Heidi and Spencer.

Speidi Transmogrify Themselves Into Jon & Kate Gosselin: How to Make Me Lose My Faith in Humanity in One Easy Step

Heidi and Spencer Pratt, aka Speidi, are one of two of the greatest traffic accidents going on reality television these days, and by "traffic accident", I mean that I love to watch The Hills just to see if Spencer is still wearing that completely ridiculous, oversized cowboy hat and if Heidi will invite the neighbour kid, Enzo, over for Spencer to throw golf balls at again.

It all just goes too far, though, when they are hybridized with reality television's other greatest traffic accident, Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Is Spencer Pratt The New Andy Kaufman?

Because seriously, as I sit here writing about him for the umpteenth time, vowing, as I always do, that I will never write about him and his facial pubes ever again, ever ever ever, I have to give the little bastard credit. He knows exactly what he's doing. He loves what he does, and he's extremely successful at it. So as much as you and I hate him (and I hate him, oh, we hateses him so much) there's a kind of poetry to what he does.

Case in point: Spencer has decided, if his sound byte to US Weekly is to be believed, to legally change his name to "King Spencer Pratt." Now after you clean up the spit take you just did, let that sink in for a minute. And then you tell me if this isn't the greatest performance art this side of professional wrestling.

Heidi Montag, Pratt, Whatever: The Joke Was Never Very Funny

Heidi Pratt (née Montag) performed at the Miss Universe 2009 pageant last night, and, somehow, I don't think that she has gotten the joke yet.

Or maybe she has and I am just not giving her enough credit, but she is a punchline, isn't she? Whether she realizes it or not barely matters across a broader cultural context, though, because the joke isn't very funny no matter how you look at it. It's pathetic.

On the one hand, she praises Jesus on Twitter and thanks God for all her prosperity whenever she's in front of a microphone, and yet, on the other hand, this Jesus-blessed prosperity is partially born from her pimping out her own ass for cash and fame.