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Teh Sex Archive

January 11, 2010

Jane Lynch: Obama is "a huge disappointment to me"

Jane-Lynch-001 Sorry, Mr. President. It's time to get on board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: AWESOME.


December 14, 2009

Grey's Anatomy Is STILL Not On, But I Got Some Of Dr. Shepherd's New Cologne And It's Liquid Sex

Patrick_dempsey Patrick Dempsey has his own Avon fragrance called Unscripted and I never smelled it because I never got a free bottle. But Avon sent me his second fragrance, Patrick Dempsey 2, and it smells really good. Talk about a lazy name, though. I would've called it McEau de Toilette. I bet Patrick Dempsey was having a bad day and Avon was bugging him about a name and he just barked "PATRICK DEMPSEY 2!"


December 10, 2009

When a Philandering Golf Pro Is Named Tiger Woods, Spin-Off Porn Is a Hole In One

Tiger Woods scream

With a name like Tiger Woods, spin-off porn was probably going to happen. Couple that with a suddenly public sexual track record like Tiger Woods', and spin-off porn had to happen.

I mean, come on, he is a philandering professional golfer with a reported nine mistresses (unearthed so far), and in golf the 18 holes are called the front nine and the back nine... The porn just writes itself, people.


Creepy Sculpture Dude Molds "Brangelina Forever"

Brangelina-sculpture Daniel Edwards, the artist behind the sculptures of Suri Cruise's turds and Britney Spears' squat-birthing a baby, has just released his latest creation: "Brangelina Forever."


December 09, 2009

One of These Things Is Not Like the Others, and Don't You Forget It: Sandra Bullock, Jesse James, and Janine Lindemulder

Sandra Bullock Jesse James Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, that handsome couple you see at the left, have been fighting a custody battle against James' ex-wife, Janine Lindemulder, with whom he biologically shares Sunny, their five-year-old daughter. What you will notice in every article about the custody battle is that Lindemulder is never mentioned without the words PORN STAR next to her name. Bullock's and James' careers are rarely even mentioned in these articles, because the important thing is that Lindemulder is a PORN STAR, and don't you forget it.


November 26, 2009

I Am Thankful for Sade

Sade I'm not really exaggerating when I say that I can't remember life without Sade. Her first album came out in 1984, when I was about six years old, and my parents, displaying a somewhat rare moment of "we should get on this bandwagon," bought it and played it constantly.


November 24, 2009

Five Things That Offended Me More at the AMAs Than Adam Lambert Kissing Another Guy

1258990496_adam-290 The Internet was most definitely abuzz with shock and awe and a little more shock after Adam Lambert gave the last performance of the night at the AMAs Sunday. For those who missed it, Lambert -- while performing his new single "For Your Entertainment" -- got all crotch-pushy on one of his dancers, kissed a band mate and then flipped off the audience. He also fell, apparently, but I missed that part completely. I wonder what COULD have been distracting me?


November 18, 2009

Oprah Teaches Us All About This New Thing Called "Porn"

Mudflapgirl Yes. Oprah, yet again, with the help of "investigative reporter" Lisa Ling, teaches us about a completely new phenomenon. It's called PORN.


November 12, 2009

Great Lagomorph Lingams! That Rabbit's Got a Brand New Penis!

Bunny_chicken If my e-mail spam folder is any indication, humans are obsessed with the length, girth, and efficacy (see also: the ability to "subdue se7ven w0men w 1 blow") of the male penis. Medications, manual pumps, visual stimuli, and animals driven to endangerment in the name of longer, harder, faster can try as they might, but all the tadalafil in the world can't fix what's truly broke, which is why science has taken it one step further and created artificial rabbit penises.


November 02, 2009

Wear Some Protection: A Recap of Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew

Sexrehabdrdrew Think of this article as a public service announcement. I sit down to watch Sex Rehab With Dr.Drew so you can learn from my mistakes. Grab your significant other and some protection and let's go!


October 23, 2009

Friday Combo Platter: Scrotal Humor Edition

Friday_combo_platterToday's Combo Platter has three main ingredients:

        • Testicles
        • Homances (the female equivalent of bromances)
        • Racists
There's also a bonus sub-thread. COULD YOUR LIFE GET MORE AWESOMER? I THINK NOT!


October 08, 2009

Levi Johnston's Playgirl Spread: Why Comedy Writing Is Hard

Playgirl Every day, the comedy writer waits, and waits, and waits, for something to happen to get snarky about. Sometimes there's very little to work with, sometimes, there seems to be NOTHING to work with, as if every batshit celeb took the day off, just to spite the writer.  And then there are the times that comedy writing seems to take a life of its own, and the words spring forth like so many crested waves upon the ocean, covering the sand with laughter.

Friends? This is one of those times.


Rick Springfield to Cameo on Californication

CalifornicationThe third season of Showtime's Californication premiered a few weeks ago and, not surprisingly, Hank Moody's antics have already made for many cringe-worthy moments. Karen is working at her dream job in New York, Hank landed himself a teaching gig at a university after pushing the original instructor right the hell off the wagon, Runkle is trying to get back into Marcy's good graces and the agency industry after his pr0n career and pr0n girlfriend failed miserably, and Becca is navigating the extremely choppy waters of adolescence made even more turbulent by her wacky parents.


September 10, 2009

Jon & Kate-Inspired Pr0n Exists. Commence Barfing Now.

Jon_gosselinThankfully, the pr0n in question is not of the estranged Gosselins. Not yet, anyway. But you know with their meteoric rise to "fame" a sex tape is due any day now.

No, the *ahem* film that I'm referring to belongs to that mainstay of the adult film genre: the parody.


September 08, 2009

Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard Are Dating. We Think.

Alexander-skarsgard01I won't lie. This news made me cry and throw things a little bit this morning. Word on the street is that Evan Rachel Wood and Alexander Skarsgard are dating.


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