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Teh Sex Archive


August 18, 2009

This Week in Nekkid "Celebrities" Part 2, Electric Boogaloo

Eric_dane_rebecca_gayheart And we're not just talking blurry cellphone pics and Playboy pictorials, ladies and gents. Today's edition features a videotape with a Grey's Anatomy star, his wife, and a fallen beauty queen!  Aren't you lucky little duckies? And you might even be interested in seeing some of the people in it naked this time!

Thar be links below the fold, but if you're in a NSFW or dial-up situation, have no fear. Because I'm so dedicated (read: pervy), I have watched and painstakingly recapped for those of you in the cheap seats. 

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August 12, 2009

Some Vampire Eric Northman for Your Hump Day

Alexander_skarsgard Based on comments on the True Blood recaps over the past couple of weeks, everyone seems to agree that the character of Eric, played by Swede Alexander Skarsgard, has grown immensely.

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August 06, 2009

Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhardt: Who Kisses Like That?

Paris_hilton_doug_reinhardt So these two got back together. 

I saw this photo and the first though that flew through my head was WTF WHO KISSES LIKE THAT? Who aims their head at their beloved with their jaw unhinged and their mouth tentacle hanging below their chin? People who kiss like this? It's GROSS. STOP IT.

I thought about the million different ways that I could Photoshop this photo: Paris Hilton lapping up a bowl of water, Paris Hilton vomiting, Paris Hilton licking an ice cream cone, Paris Hilton superimposed into a "Predator" still and hunting Schwarzeneggar in the jungle. 

She's got her Gollumn claw up on his shoulder and appears to be attempting anything other than a kiss.


Had your breakfast yet? LET'S LOOK CLOSER! 


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July 30, 2009

Gisele Bundchen's Baby Bump Retouched for London Fog Ads; In Other News, Photoshop Lessons Now Available Online!

Gisele-bundchen-pregnant-london-fog-retouched Pregnant Gisele Bundchen, who is expecting her first child with husband Tom Brady, appears almost nekkid in a sexy new London Fog ad campaign but her baby bump is nowhere to be found. According to a press release from the company, "...Most of the shots have been retouched to respect her privacy during this wonderful and personal time in her life.” Although, curiously, the statement then goes on to read, “Nobody is sexier or more beautiful than Gisele Bundchen in nothing but a London Fog trench coat, even with her visible baby bump."

Which leaves me with two questions:

1) If nobody is sexier than a pregnant Gisele Bundchen, why Photoshop her pregnant belly?

And

2) What kind of lame ass airbrushing job is that?

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July 08, 2009

The Test Is Positive: I'm Addicted to 16 and Pregnant

16_and_pregnant_mtv When I first heard about MTV's new show, 16 and Pregnant, I cringed a little. In my opinion, MTV is not exactly a somber source for commentary on social issues, at least not lately. Think back to the first season of The Real World, when the cast members discussed things like finding a job, being young and broke, race, sexuality, AIDS, politics. More recent seasons have found the cast members discussing pressing issues like hot tubs, alcohol, and being a bitch.
I really did not want to see some sensationalized, Springer-esque depiction of teen pregnancy.

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June 18, 2009

Hugh Hefner Can't Tell His Girlfriends Apart

Hugh-hefner *big sigh*

Hugh Hefner admitted to Fox News that he has trouble telling his girlfriends apart.

Sure at 83 some of it might be that he is addled, but another part of it is that they are identical twins.

They are also 20 years old. 

Fortunately for Hef, one of them (I'm not sure if it is Karissa or Kristina) has a mark on her neck.

Dear Sluts,

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June 08, 2009

Black Hockey Jesus Interviews Megan Fox - Not Much More Than Meets The Eye

Megan_fox_4 I recently sat down with Megan Fox in her sprawling library (see left) to interview the stunning Transformers star. OK that's a total lie. Because you know: books. But I'm lying about the interview too. See. Normally, interviewers lie about what people actually say. But I lie about the whole interview itself. Because MamaPop is a groundbreaking collective of Pop Culture reporting that pushes the boundaries of lying and deception. Anyway, I interviewed Megan Fox in her library (nudge nudge) and she assaulted me with pearl after pearl of luminous wisdom. It was like she had an automatic pearl weapon of mass wisdom and she was like ratta-tatta-tatta with the wisdom. She blew my face off with wisdom.

Interview is after the jump. It's actually a collage of things that Megan Fox has actually (I'm serious) said (genuine quotes are in italics) in various recent interviews. Let me repeat: yes, she really said these things. Just not to me. But that doesn't detract from their profundity.

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May 28, 2009

Shirtless Vampire Thursday

Okay, so I've devoted TWO Thursday afternoon posts already to shirtless True Blood promo photos. It's clearly time to change things up a little. Develop some new hobbies, outside interests.

New moon promo 1

Baby steps, people. It's a process.

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May 21, 2009

China Has a Sex Theme Park? I'd Better Renew My Passport!

Giant_penis_statue_sex_theme_park_china "Love Land" that is what the sex theme park was going to be called. China, of all places, was building enormous representations of genitals. I guess the developers felt that the Chinese people were too repressed and that they needed to learn how to enjoy sex more.

They might have been right.

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May 19, 2009

Deep Reflection as Lindsay Lohan Returns to the Big Screen

Lindsay_lohan Lindsay Lohan will be returning to her feature film acting career when she stars in next year's The Other Side. Details are, of course, rather vague at this point. The only hints of plot are: "Story centers on a grad student who must spend the summer working at a scientific institute on a remote island. She discovers an eccentric community of characters who are hiding a secret about a tragedy that took place many years before." This essentially tells us that there are people at a place and something happened, which is, uh, the plot of pretty much every movie ever. But hey, it's something.

A peek at the IMDb page for the movie shows an interesting cast. Woody Harrelson and Giovanni Ribisi will also star, along with Eddie Izzard (squee!), Alanis Morissette and Dave Matthews. Also, in the role of Hippie/Chauffeur/Pilot/Bartender/Butler/Bait Shop Clerk will be Maynard James Keenan, aka the dude from Tool. Am scratching my chin.

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May 18, 2009

And the Tree Was Horny

Shel_silverstein One of my favorite books ever is The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein. For me and a lot of other moms that I know, the simple story of a boy and the maternal tree who gives herself completely for him perfectly describes motherhood. I've heard a lot of criticism of the story, about how it implies that mothers/women/parents/guardians must sacrifice everything. But I've never felt that way about the story or motherhood. I don't have to sacrifice or give any of my self, but I choose to because that's the kind of love that I have for my child and it just so happens that a LOT of moms feel the same way.

It's often surprising to learn about the humanity of the artists that create our most cherished works, especially when their actions in life seem somewhat at odds with their works. Considering how perfectly Silverstein captured the relationship between a parent and a child, it's very surprising to learn that his relationships with his own children, while still very loving and I'm sure full of the emotions found in The Giving Tree, were perhaps not the most content.

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Grey's Anatomy Shattered Me Into 16 Fragments

Katherine_heigl NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOO inhale NOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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May 11, 2009

Sitcom Mom Fantasies

Carol_brady Ah, the day after Mother's Day.

It follows that I should write down some of my hottest fantasies about sitcom Moms.

It's always the same. I'm visiting their sons. I'm there for cookies and milk and wholesome fun. But they have other plans. They always have other plans. They want to teach me things. Take me places. They want to show me the room where all the secrets are kept.

These sitcom moms provide maps to navigate the geography of the dark.

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April 29, 2009

Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick Expecting Twins

Sarah_jessica_parker_and_matthew_broderickWell, here's some light and happy news for your Wednesday: Sarah Jessica Parker and husband Matthew Broderick are expecting twins!

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April 23, 2009

Jill Scott and Jennifer Hudson Have Apparently Been Listening to Their Own Music

Jill_scott Purveyors of fine babymaking music, Jill Scott and Jennifer Hudson are both up to the family thing this week.

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