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The Bachelorette Recaps Archive

June 22, 2010

The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT ICE SNAKES!)

Bachelorette-ali  Tonight! We go to Iceland, where it is cold. Dolphin Boy goes more insane, and we see another side of The Wrestler. Sadly, it's not his tushie side. That and SO MUCH MORE tonight on The Bachelorette!


June 15, 2010

The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT MENTAL PATIENTS)

Bachelorette-ali  Well well well. Here we are again. And to say this particular installment of The Bachelorette is over-dramatic is like saying I like Hostess products. You don't want to miss this one, cats and kittens.


June 08, 2010

The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (AT MAN-CRYING!)

Bachelorette-ali  Hello, cats and kittens! The nausea doesn't stop, and we're in for MAJOR DRAMZ so let's get started on Zee Bachelorette! 


June 01, 2010

The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (At PSYCHOS!)

Bachelorette-ali   Last week we met the schmoes "vying" for Ali's "heart." This week we get our first group date. The excitement (nausea) never stops, so let's get started!


May 25, 2010

The Bachelorette: Ali's Second Chance (At DOOM)

The-bachelorette-ali-federosky   Here we go, cats and kittens. It's Ali's time now, and we're along for the ride, so let's go!

Last year, Ali fell in love with Jake but chose her job at Facebook over him. Clearly this was not the love of her life, and nor was Jake all that into Ali, cause he couldn't swear on the teeniest tiniest of bibles that he'd keep her around. So here we are, back in San Francisco, with Ali looking wistful. It's hard for her to let romance lead her life. Well yeah, she picked a cubicle over Jakey. But it's her second chance at love, dammit, so let's bring on the MAN CANDY. And by "man candy" I mean "psychotics and freakshows." Ali's there to find love. I'm here to snark. This should all work out just fine. 


Ali left her job, and her apartment, and wants to give herself 100% to finding luuuuurve. Stock footage of Ali's perfect abs on the beach. Stock footage of Ali playing soccer. It's like all the stock photos that come with picture frames. Very typical blonde fun loving Ali, who is typical in all possible ways. Yeah yeah yeah, boring!  BRING ON THE FREAKS. 

Ooooh, stock footage of the guys getting drunk and violent. Nice. THAT'S what I'm looking for. All coming up on The Bachelorette! But first, 

COMMERCIALS! Sex and the City 2. Or, That Movie Wild Dingos Couldn't Drag Me To, Even If I Was Wearing A Suit Made Out Of Meat. 

Let's look at the goods. Frank, 31, has ironic glasses. He says he's 30, the chyron says 31. Someone make a damn decision. He's an aspiring screenwriter who lives with his parents. Hot. Unemployed AND living with the 'rents. Doesn't get sexier than that. He's EXTREMELY pleased that the Bachelorette is Ali. I'm not saying that ol' Frank is on meth, but I'm not saying he's NOT. Okay, I'm totes saying he's on meth.

Jay is a lawyer and 29. He's "super, super stoked" about meeting Ali. I'm super super stoked about his LA Law hair, which is terrible on so many levels. Jay himself is BORING on so many levels. 

Craig, 33, loves Toronto, his hairpiece, and himself. He's in "Dental Sales" and is ready to give up the playboy lifestyle for Ali. Right. Craig in Dental Sales is GROSS. Do not want. 

Kyle, 26, is a mountain man with a gap between his front teeth. He has a better relationship with the fish and wildlife in Colorado than he has with women. He shows off his PELT COLLECTION, and says he's not afraid of the other bachelors because he's killed a freaking bear. Do you think Meth-head Frank killed a bear? I think NOT.

Justin, 26, or "Rated R" is a PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER with a broken ankle and sympathy crutches. Awesome. At home, he hugs his granny. He loves his granny. He's not his "in-ring persona" at all. Granny says in another language that beautiful women are trouble. I love Granny. I kind of love Justin too, I have no idea why. Sometimes Miss Banshee makes poor life choices. 

Phil, 30, is an investment banker with a dead brother. He has a new lease on life because his brother died and now Phil does triathlons. One...follows the other, I guess? Whatever. Only thing missing is a chick. Phil doesn't say chick, I do, because that's how I roll, beeshes.

Oh god. Johnathan is a 30 year old WEATHERMAN. He's goofy and a typical weatherman, super cheesy and lame. We see him in boxer briefs for no reason. 

Ty, 31, is a Texas boy. He got divorced a few months back but doesn't regret it. DIVORCED! TAINTED! Not really, of course, but that's what the show makes it out to be. Because this show SUCKS. 

Chris, 32, is from Cape Cod, MA! Woot! And he's a teacher! Awesome! And he quit everything to take care of his sick momma, who died. Oh no! No regrets for Chris. I like Chris. Which means I'm sure he's going home, probably first.

Tyler V, Steve, Frank Meth-head again, Rated R and his sympathy crutches, and John C. get in a limo to meet Ali. There is lots of "woo"-ing. Chowderheads. Oh thank Jeebus, it's time for...

Commercials! Just brushing your teeth gives you a GERM. Like BARNACLES on a BOAT. Use Listerine to avoid mouth-barnacles. 

CHRIS HARRISON! Oh how I've missed you and your hair plugs, Harrison. Let's greet Ali and have a chat before the lads get here. Can she believe she's doing this? She cannot. She just wants love in her life. Conversation inevitably goes to Jakey and the Facebook debacle. Yeah, that was a mistake on Ali's part. Are we going to bring this up every freaking 15 minutes? Because it's boring. What does she fear most? Someone playing "the game" instead of being there for her. She's going to demand honesty and openness. Perfect life? One full of love. She wants to get knocked up asap. Let's meet the chumps first before someone impregnates you, Ali. Okay? Sloooooooow down. 

Commercials! Singing fish and crustaceans! Singing a jolly tune about green tea! What the HELL? Am I on Frank's meth?

Harrison throws Ali to the wolves. First up is Chris H, a real estate dude who is 27. He wants to get to know each other right away. Whatever. Jesse makes a lame joke about being from Peculiar, MO. Chris L! We like him, he's our Cape Cod boy. Man, this is going fast. Ty from TN has a cute accent and thinks Ali is gorge. Meth-head Frank and his ironic glasses climb a limo and smiles like the Joker. He tells Ali they're getting married. Drop the meth habit, Frank!!!!

Next limo carries Justin (Rated R) and his sympathy crutches. Jay and his smarmy lawyer hair are next. Ew, I don't like Jay, he has a smarm that looks like it's contagious. Blech, germy. Kasey is a nurturing type who talks really strangely through his nose. Ali doesn't look impressed. Kyle, the "outdoorsman" with the pelt collection is next. He sadly does not offer Ali a pelt.

Next! Roberto is our ONLY non-Caucasian! He wants to salsa with her. Of course he does. Ali laaaaaaikes Roberto. So do I. Muy bueno. Craig M of Dental Sales has HORRIBLE fake hair. He yelps that he's SO GLAD Ali isn't Vienna. Well, asshole, of course she's not Vienna, Vienna WON the Bachelor. You. Tool.  Ugh. John N is non-descript. Tyler looks like a nice schmoe, John C gets on one knee and gives her a CZ ring for some one on one time. Cheese.  Here comes Harrison with the next 10 guys (ARGH!) after...

Commercials! SJP can be in as many skin-care ads as is possible, but she'll still be so equine it's not even funny. Especially when her hair is pulled back. Neeeeeeeeeigh. That was unkind of me. I don't care!

Ali's met 15 bachelors, 10 left, 8 will thankfully leave tonight. Jonathan our weatherman from Houston brought a little sunshine magnet for Ali. Craig the Unattractive is a schlub who is vair nervous. Steve from Cleveland is a little smarmy, but he's Steve from the Cleve, so I kinda have to love him. Kyle makes Ali a rose from a napkin. Cowboy boots Tyler makes a big biff and says Ali was wearing cowboy boots the first time SHE was seen on the Bachelor. She was not. Yep, that was totally someone else. Oops. Hunter scratches his head like he has a bug. He calls her beautiful and skitters off like a bug too. Derek has no neck. None whatsoever. Phil's looking forward to talking to Ali, but not now. Ooooookay. "Shooter" (I don't want to know) will tell her the story of his nickname (I DO NOT WANT TO KNOW) inside. Jason does a backflip off the top of the limo. Harrison rescues Ali, who has to enter the shark tank after...

Commercials! Is that Snooki in that Oil of Olay spot? It can't be, can it? Doppelganger, tho. Scary shit, people. 

First impression rose will be given out tonight for immunity. Into the lion's den! Ali just wants openness and honesty and of course booze, which is a-flowin'. Oh god, Meth-head Frank is pulling Ali away to talk about how awesome he is. He swerves the whole "living with the parents" thing by bragging about the time he SUPPOSEDLY spent as a screenwriter in Paris. Well played, Meth-head Frank, but I bet you meant Paris, TX.

Kirk made Ali a scrapbook and the guys mock him. He gets one on one time tho, and has brownie points for the arts and crafts. Kasey has the weirdest voice ever. He immediately tells Ali that his dad cheated on his mom, and that will never happen with him. He still talks like he's underwater, though. Freaking Dolphin Boy over here. So weird! 

Hunter has a ukulele and makes an ass out of himself in an endearing way. Derek of No Neck realizes he has no uke or anything to impress Ali. Jason thinks Hunter's a loser. I smell sour grapes! 

So..."Shooter." Yeah, it's a college days premature ejaculation joke. That's...studly, man. Not. MOVING ON. QUICKLY. AFTER SEVERAL SILKWOOD SHOWERS.

Craig the cheeseball in Dental Sales is getting a total cockblock from the weatherman, Jonathan, who isn't impressed with Craig or his heinous hair. MEE-YOW! 

Roberto steals Ali away, as the dudes wax non-poetic about the first impression rose as we blessedly go to commercials. 

Instead of commercials, I will now recap What Is Happening On My Lap Right Now. One of my kittens, Finn, is trying to sprawl out on my stomach and he's so small that he keeps rolling off me and onto the floor. Cute, yes. Bright? Not so much. 

The guys continue to kvetch about the rose as Roberto talks about his awesome parents and his awesome life with his own awesome business. At the end of the day, he wants love. His parents still have it, and he wants it. Roberto GOT GAME, Y'ALL. They salsa dance. GAME. ROBERTO HAS IT. 

Our Cape Cod boy says that Ali looks "wicked hot." I love him, but I have a soft spot for Massachusetts boys. He doesn't bring up his dead mama, cause that would be a wicked buzzkill, kid. Pissah. 

Kyle of the Pelts yammers about the great outdoors. He gives her a fishing hook. Jay the boring lawyer with the bad James Spader hair gets cockblocked by the fishhook. D'oh. Justin of the sympathy crutches talks wrestling and puts on his "Rated R" persona for Ali. The other guys are pissed that he has game AND crutches AND a personalized t-shirt. Craig in Dental Sales rips on Justin, but Justin ain't playing that. Craig the Unattractive (different Craig) takes the big brother role and tells Ali to be careful around some of "these guys" because they're not in it for the right reasons. He gives Ali a yellow keyring and a healthy paranoia complex about guys being dishonest. 

Oh no, here comes Harrison with a box. What's in the box?!?!?! Nothing. Yet. On bits of paper the lads will write the names of guys who they think are not there for the right reasons. Someone's going home because of this. These guys are vicious bitches, man. I love it.

Commercials! I can't decide if I love or hate the "Pure Imagination" commercial with the weird drawings. "Happy 5th Birthday again" is pretty adorbs, but there's something vair weird about that ad. Jury is still out!

The guys write down dudes' names and get catty. Jesse is a creative guy who made Ali a necklace using a jigsaw. Jesse's only 24 and loves his big sister. Aw. 

Meanwhile back in the house, everyone is hating on Craig in Dental Sales, and for good reason, he's a douche. Let's get to cutting some dudes, this is getting ridic. 

Ali picks up the First Impression rose and it goes to Roberto, he of STELLAR GAME. Well done, Roberto. Not only are you the only non-gringo in the house, you're also hot and have personality, which is a hell of a lot more than, say, Jay the lawyer, who has terrible hair and has not shown a single iota of personality. 

And it's JUSTIN of the sympathy crutches who got the most votes for "Person Not Here For The Right Reasons!" So Ali needs to either boot him immediately or give him a rose and immunity. Justin defends wrestling and his actions and isn't jive-talking at all. What will Ali do? She's gonna give him the rose! ZAPOW! Plans? Foiled, gentlemen. Everyone without a rose? You are feeling mighty small in the peen department right now, eh? The Latin Lovah and the Professional Wrestler are safe and YOU CHUMPS get to go to Rose Ceremony! Muahahahaahahhaa!

I'm way too invested in this damn show.

Instead of commercials, let's play "What Are The Kittens Destroying Now?" If you guessed "Miss Banshee's knitted cap she made with her own two hands" you're RIGHT and YOU get a rose too! Actually you just get the stem. The kittens ate the rose.

Rose Ceremony! So Roberto and Justin are safe, as are others such as Meth-head Frank and Craig The Unattractive. Others get picked. There are just too many of them, so we'll skip right to those who are getting the shaft, shall we? We shall. However, in a shocking twist of events, Craig in Dental Sales? TOTALLY GETS A ROSE. WAT? So does the weatherman. And the final rose goes to Dolphin Boy. I'm not saying anything against psychiatric medication, lawd knows I take it by the fistful, but methinks Dolphin Boy takes more. I think he has little sea creatures that live in his head and tell him to do things. 

Going home? Kyle of the Pelts, who feels like a failure, probably because he didn't get to kill a defenseless woodland creature or go ice fishing for Ali.  Shooter, for obvious reasons that even *I* am too classy to extrapolate on, and Jay the boring lawyer who made not a bad impression, but no impression at ALL, and says he'd send himself home, so lame was he tonight. No argument from this recapper, my friend. Get out and take your gross hair-don't with you. Also going: Jason of the limo-back flip, Phil of the dead brother, Tyler M, of the biffed cowboy boot comment, Derek of no neck, and John N. Who is John N? Exactly. 

This season on The Bachelorette? Stuff happens! They'll travel the world! Someone has a girlfriend! Lots of crying! Dolphin Boy may or may not be a self-injurer?!?!? There are authorities involved. Lights! Sirens! Yikes! Well, THAT'S something I didn't expect. We best tune in, shan't we? 

Thanks for playing along, folks! I swear this'll get easier. The first eppy is always the hardest, but we'll divide the wheat from the chaff, don't worry. Miss B has your back. 

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