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Things That Suck Archive

June 25, 2010

Summer Movies 2010: You Gotta Know When To Walk Away. And Know When To Run

Knight_and_day_poster  Knight and Day, the Tom Cruise / Cameron Diaz action movie that asks the question "Why the hell am I sitting in this theater?" opens today and it's only real competition is Grown Ups, that movie about Adam Sandler and his friends acting stupid for the millionth time,  which looks equally horrific so maybe this is the weekend where we all just stay indoors. What do you say? I'll rent Memento. It'll be awesome.


June 24, 2010

Troll Dolls: The Movie. Seriously.

Wizard-troll-dollRemember those hideous looking Troll dolls from the '60's?  Troll Dolls, Leprocauns, Dam Dolls, Gonks, Wishniks, Treasure Trolls, or Norfins?  Ugly little bastards, is what they were.  An ugly fad that never seemed to go away completely.  They made comebacks in every subsequent decade, for some reason, but they never got any cuter.  But they were just dolls.  Dolls made to scare the bejesus out of kids for no particular reason. 

Their decades-long trendiness is apparently enough to warrant a movie deal. 


June 22, 2010

From The Bad Moms Club: Adam Carolla: Bad Dad And Not Funny

Adam-Carolla  Ooooooh boy, does the Bad Moms Club nail it on this one. Adam Carolla, someone I have never found funny, has become ESPECIALLY not funny, I mean, WICKED PISSAH not funny by making horrible jokes regarding his daughter's weight. AH. MAH. GAH. 


June 17, 2010

Neil Patrick Harris Brings You The Smurfs

Smurfs3 Remember way back yesterday when I worried about the quality of the pending Fraggle Rock movie? Well. At least you don't have to wonder about the Smurfs movie. Neil Patrick Harris introduces the new teaser trailer after the jump.


June 16, 2010

Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead Lives. Is Nothing Sacred?

Dont_tell_mom_the_babysitters_dead Because every movie concept that could ever possibly exist has apparently already been imagined and fully- realized, every fucking week another studio announces another inevitably-terrible, uncalled-for remake. This week's impending-bastardization announcement comes courtesy of the creative geniuses at The Mark Gordon Company, who are reportedly looking for writers for a Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead remake.


The Slo-Mo Walk: A Good Thing?

Robert-pattinson I've been watching a lot of Twilight lately. I've forbidden my husband from deleting it off the DVR and I've put a secret lock code on it because I don't trust him. The thing is, I don't really like Twilight that much. I think it's an extremely so-so movie with poor acting, laughable dialogue, and a distracting blue wash over the film that does a terrible job convincing me that sunny Oregon is actually rainy Forks. Why do I watch it then? I'm obsessed with the slo-mo walk.


June 15, 2010

NBC's 100 Questions - Why Did I Watch This Show?

OneHundredQuestions So, there I was. It was a hot Thursday night in the good old Midwest and I was bored something fierce. The summertime television schedule had already smacked my face like a pimp looking for his money. I had an unconscious, drooling baby affixed to my chest and the remote was nowhere in sight.  Panicked, I instantly yelled for my four year old to find the remote and neatly place it in my hand. Not tonight. He was already fast asleep in his bunkbed. My last option was the wifey. Nope. No help there either. "I'm in the shower!", she screamed back. 


June 14, 2010

Tom Cruise Voo-Doos Hollywood into Les Grossman Movie.

Cruise_tropic_web  HAHAHAHAHA! Tom Cruise's Les Grossman character is HYSTERICAL. He's overweight and hairy and despicable and swears a lot and does unnecessary hip-hop dancing! Get it? He's white! Man! I haven't seen anything that funny since 7th grade when a bunch of bully assholes beat up a weak kid and then called him "Fag-aro" instead "Figgaro". Someone ought to make a movie about Les Grossman! Wait... What? I was being sarcastic! NO!


June 09, 2010

Miley Cyrus' Camel Toe (I Was Going to Be More Subtle About It, But Why Beat Around the Bush)

Miley-cyrus I am going to be very up front and honest and confess that I am irritated by Miley Cyrus. I don't mean her personally, of course, because who of us even knows who that is. I mean her celebrity-making-the-news self. Also, I am feeling pretty cranky, which makes me even more prone to Miley-related irritation, so, bear that in mind when I show you the latest in my personal list of yucky Miley Cyrus moments...


June 08, 2010

Things Go Boom In The A-Team

The-A-Team I don't know if you've heard, but they've made that old tv show The A-Team into a movie!  I mean, there hasn't been much press on this little film, but after some intense research, I've dug up a thing or two about it.


May 31, 2010

Frat Party Is a Thing to Behold

Frat-party-movieSo, I know that I wrote awhile back that I had discovered the worst movie ever made in New York City Serenade, but I'm going to have to recant that claim for a new and obvious successor: Frat Party.


Prince of Persia is [Adjective]

Jake-prince-of-persia  I took the kids to go see The Prince of Persia this weekend as a further extension of the anger I feel about how they stole my life, and to say the movie was generic is to say [generic analogy].


May 27, 2010

Rage Against the Baby Bump Watch

Halle-berry-baby-bump1 You know what pisses me off? The baby bump watch.


May 25, 2010

MacGruber Climbs on Top of Pile of Failed SNL-Based Movies

Macgruber Shocking to, perhaps, four or five people, MacGruber, the feature-length adaptation of the Saturday Night Live skit, is officially a box-office bomb.


May 21, 2010

HAHAHAHA! Tell The "Fat and Ugly" Joke! It NEVER Gets Old!

Shrek-4-mike-meyers  So the new Shrek Movie opens today and while that might sound like awful news to most people, I'm looking at it as a God-send. I'm going to use the existence of this film to prove, once and for all, the parentage of my children. I'll say "Do you want to see the new Shrek movie?" and if they say "Yes"...they're not mine.


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