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Top Chef DC Recap: Episode 2, Out of the Lunch Box

It is week two of Top Chef DC and our chefs are back in the kitchen - and this week they are pissy.

Who wants to see if I am physically capable of doing a three minute "Top Chef" recap?

Top Chef DC Recap: Episode 1, The First One

TOP CHEF D.C.! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Yes, I am excited. Of course the first episode is always a cluster you-know-what with 17 chefs to introduce us to and trying to get as many shots with the Capitol in the background as humanly possible.

Shut up. I can be cynical about Washington D.C. landmarks if I feel like it. I live here.

*spoiler alert*

"Top Chef DC" Preview: Chef Fun Facts!

 I hope nobody was disappointed that I haven't been recapping "Top Chef Masters" but I have trouble tearing people apart who are already successful and doing all of these challenges for charity. That being said, next week "Top Chef DC" begins and I have zero issues making fun of folks who are on reality tv for profit, and I cannot wait.

Top Chef: Just Desserts

It would appear that Bravo has been reading my diary again. The network has begun casting for a show called Top Chef: Just Desserts.

Mmmmm. Just desserts.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: The Reunion Episode

The reunion show. Unless you are talking Real Housewives these shows are usually boring as hell, but I watch them every time.

Plus this year there was that teaser about Kevin almost quitting in the middle of the season.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: We Have a Winner

Warning: If you just DVRed Top Chef and you plan on watching it you might not want to read beyond the break. There will be spoilers. There will also be wailing and gnashing of teeth. So don't say I didn't try to warn you.

...and then there were three.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Finale Part 1

Our remaining four heroes have made it to Napa. Ahhhh. Napa. I can smell the rotting grapes. No, really, I was there in October and on the last day I was a little hungover and the smell started really getting to me.  But this isn't about me. This is about Kevin, Jennifer and the Voltaggii, and as we join them, they are waiting for a train.

Top Chef Las Vegas: Before the Finals (Sarah's Predictions)

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me thrice, WTF? ANOTHER RERUN? Did somebody tell you I am a patient woman, Bravo because I fear you have been lied to.

Fine. I will try to gather my wits. Let us speak instead of the final four.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 12, Culinary Olympics

When we rejoin our heroes the top 5 chefs are getting ready for their most difficult challenge to date. Everyone is being sweet and and talking about our inspirations when Eli does something that I cannot abide.

The bitch misquotes "The Princess Bride".

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 11, Strip Around the World

Before we begin out weekly Top Chef recap I would like to apologize for anything you read below that doesn't make sense. I caught my daughter's cold and then I walked around in the rain and then I went to an ice hockey game so I am currently all hopped up on goofballs. Cold medicine makes me silly.

Also, I don't think "Strip Around the World" is going to mean what I think it means, but a girl can always hope.

Let's get on with the show.

Top Chef Recap: All Stars Dinner

Come on, Top Chef! Why do you mess with me so? I turned on my television last night ready and waiting to see Padma ordering room service. I saw the teaser last week. I knew what was coming.

But no, I was slapped down. Instead you gave me a reunion show. Well, sort of a reunion show, but less coherent. You called it the All Stars Dinner.

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 10, Meat Natalie, Craft Steak With a Twist You Saw Coming a Mile Away

As I accept the award for longest post title ever and episode 10 begins, our contestants are looking rough. Jennifer seems beaten down and people's metaphors have stopped making any sense.

Top Chef Recap: Episode 9, Restaurant Wars

Yes, yes. 'Tis I, Amalah, filling in for Sarah, who is off touring California wine country for her anniversary and not mothering her children, but is instead eating at The French Goddamn Laundry and I had some lousy pizza for dinner and am drinking a bottle of Big House Red and HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, YOU WHORE. (Which I of course say with nothing but love. We miss you, Sarah!)

Top Chef Vegas Recap: Episode 8, Pigs and Pinot

Oh Top Chef producers, have you been reading my diary? Pork and Pinot Noir? Charlie Palmer? Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings? Those are a few of my favorite things.

Especially the part where there is pork belly and wine.

The guest judge is Charlie Palmer who not only has a high end steak house near my house (Hi Charlie!) but also happens to be the former boss of not one, but BOTH Voltaggio brothers.

Cue the ominous music people.

Bryan worked with Palmer for 10 years. Michael worked with the chef for one year. Chef Palmer assures the other contestants that he won't show any favoritism.

It gets interesting here. I was starting to tire of the brother on brother competition but as we get deeper into the season Michael seems to be spazzing out. I think the pressure is getting to him. He actually admits that he doesn't think Charlie Palmer likes him very much (which his big brother assures him isn't true) which made me uncomfortable. Back to the competition part, Charlie Palmer starts taking about pairings. This gentleman has got my number. Red meat? Wine pairings? I freaking love this guy!

For the Quick Fire Challenge the chefs have to pair a snack food with a dish.

I know! They tricked me too! It is almost like me doing this to you:

Top Chef Las Vegas Recap: Episode 7, The Dinner Party

As our chefs begin the episode. It comes out that Jennifer is sick. We even get to see her run away to puke! If this were a drama or a sitcom I would think she was pregnant. Since this is reality tv I am going to guess H1N1. How trendy! Next week after she infects them all maybe we can have a scene like the pie eating contest in Stand By Me.

The Padma introduces our special judge for the quick fire. It is Tyler Florence.

Now I feel nauseous too.

I don't know if it is my distaste for Tyler's superior attitude, the fact that Florence always reminds me of Applebees and the thought of riblets makes me want to vomit or if I caught the swine flu through the television.

Dude, you never know with HD.

Anyway the quickfire is some corporate website for the home cook nonsense that requires the remaining chefs to use three keywords.

Their keywords for mood, taste and texture and what kind of cuisine were decided by slot machine.

Oh Bravo, you are really trying hard to tie in the Las Vegas theme, aren't you. Good effort, I suppose, but I am distracted by Padma's Frayne Fashion polyester jumpsuit.